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Internet Oracularities #91

Goto:
91, 91-01, 91-02, 91-03, 91-04, 91-05, 91-06, 91-07, 91-08, 91-09, 91-10


Usenet Oracularities #91
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 5 Jan 90 01:29:38 GMT

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in the directory pub/oracle.
Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!


91-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My lover has been buying dozens of sex toys lately.  Should I take this
> as a sign that she is losing interest in me ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         No, Only that she has been reading too many oracular postings
} and feels that she is missing out on a lot of things mentioned here.
} Incidentally, she intends to introduce you into some of them tonight, be
} especially carefull with the bear traps.
}
}         You owe the oracle one plastic surgeon.


91-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the square root of a rutebega?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      ______________          ___________
}     /    __________         /    ga
}    /    /    ga      =     /   be
}   /    /   be           4 /   e
} \/   \/   e             \/
}
} For a common garden variety:
}
}  b = ln | 2 |
}  g = ln | 3.01 |
}  a = ln | 2.99 |
}
} so the square root of a rutabega is 2 * e^(3.01 * 2.99) = 16204.55
}
} You owe the oracle some candied yams.


91-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  My cat "Whiskers" was run over by a truck that was hauling a bunch of
> hari krishnas out to the airport.  I realigned the main BUS and checked
> all his circuits.  I did a load check on his back plane and got a plus
> minus of .025 volts, (not too bad for his age).  I also did complete RAM
> diags and I don't see any damaged chips.  His NAND gates seem to be
> processing properly with a 50 nanosecond relay.
>
>  But Whiskers keeps choking on hairballs that aren't there, and just
> yesterday he took a major dump in my older brother's VCR.  Bud's gonna
> be major honked when he tries to watch his tapes of "Dukes of Hazard".
> Oh Oracle, most wise, what did I miss?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are several more places to check:
}
}    The BUS, although transmitting properly, may be overloaded or can be
}    distorting transmissions due to pinching of the coax.
}
}    The power supply could have a low current even with the proper
}    voltage.
}
}    Undamaged RAM with scrambled data are not useful.
}
}    If the processor's elements are not damaged, the control circuit may
}    still be in an unknown state.  You may have to reset it.
}
}    Choking is an indicator of coolant misfeed.
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of Chilton's Tabby manual.


91-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Huh?  Oh, sorry.  I can't seem to get work off my mind, and that's why I
} came here too.  I just need to relax a little.  I actually thought you
} came to ME for an answer to some troubling question.  I'm an Oracle, you
} see.  Oops, sorry, here's my card.  You bet, questions, queries, wisdom
} for all, and at prices the average mortal can afford.
}
}  I think that's where the problem started.  I've been working my butt
} off over the holidays, and last night when the Mrs.  told me to clean
} the litter box or move out, I sort of went off the deep dive, (If you
} know what I mean).  Thank goodness my son only owns a Whiffle Bat and
} not the real thing, or half the neighborhood would be beaned to death.
} I'm supposed to keep taking these little blue pills till the script runs
} out then come back for another evaluation.
}
}  Anyways, that's why I'm here.  The boss was sympathetic to all of it
} and said, "Christ Bill, take a couple of weeks off and improve your
} stroke".  So, that's what I'm doing here.  So terribly sorry to disturb
} you, but do you mind if I just play through?  I don't need to get on top
} of your desk.  I'll just take one stoke and play it in the hallway.  I
} can't seem for the life of me to straighten out that slice, ever since I
} started taking those damned pills.  I feel much better, though.


91-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the sexual positions that are the best?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, the Oracle is miffed because your question is so wordy.  Only
} brisk and snappy questions provoke the Oracle's interest.  In this case,
} "What are the best sexual positions?" or "What sexual positions are the
} best?" would suffice nicely.  Snappy; that's the ticket.
}
} Having overcome my snit, I reply:  the best positions are positions of
} responsibility, such as Chief Condom Procurer, Chief of Configurational
} Protocol, Reverend Fundamentalist Guilt Spreader, Head Liberal Ethics
} Attenuator, Master Iteration Counter, and so on.
}
} You owe the Oracle a safe-sex manual and a copy of "The Elements of
} Style".


91-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are so many of your answers in rhyme?  I think that's kind of lame,
> myself.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I like to write things that rhyme
} It's something to do with my time
} If you don't like my verse
} I'll just start being terse.
}
} You owe the oracle...


91-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do we have two nostrils, instead of one?  Is this a manifestation of
> the broader dichotomy of Good and Evil?  Is one nostril Good, and the
> other Evil, in that case?  Is there any telling which is which?  If I
> use one more than the other, could I become more holy?  Could I be
> tricked, use the wrong one, and thereby suffer my own personal Fall from
> Grace?  Any comments on the interesting rhyme of "grace" and "face" (the
> most popular location for human nostrils).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, PLEASE!
}
} You have two nostrils because ONE would look silly.  How many prom dates
} would you get with one nostril, hose nose?
}
} "Space" also rhymes with "face".  As does "acetylcholinesterase".  Go
} figure.


91-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How is it that you know everything?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The phenomenon is known as "Infinite Sum Omniscience" or ISO.  The
} Oracle really does not know any more than the populace that it serves,
} but it can take advantage of the pseudo-synergistic application of ISO
} which allows that even though the whole is no more than the sum of its
} parts, if you use a lot of smoke and mirrors and put the word "Usenet"
} in front of it, it looks like more.  Here is a more precise explanation:
}
} Let K be the total Knowledge of the Usenet Oracle
} Let X(i) be the knowledge of one of the Oracle's users
} Let N be the number of users of the Usenet Oracle
}
} The Infinite Sum Omniscience equation says that:
}
}             N
}          -------
}          \
} K =        \    X(i)
}            /
}          /
}          --------
}           i = 1
}
} As N, the number of users, gets higher and higher, K, the total
} Knowledge of the Oracle, climbs accordingly.  For very large values of
} N, K approaches infinity, thus approximating the sum total of knowledge
} in the universe.
}
} You owe the Oracle three hours of Calculus tutoring.


91-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please sing me a song about the eggplant threat. Thank You in advance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, you remind me of my childhood!  Let's see now, how did this go?
} Oh yes!
}
}       OH THE WIND WAS DARK AND PURPLE
}       ON THAT DAY WHEN LIGHTS WERE BLACK,
}       AND THE WOLVES THEY CAME A-HOWLING
}       WHEN THE EGGPLANTS THEY ATTACKED.
}
}       THEY CAME IN DROVES AND TROUSERS,
}       THEY CAME IN PICK-UP TRUCKS!
}       THEY CAME FROM EVERYWHERE
}       AND THEY TRAMPLED ON THE DUCKS!
}
}       THEY CAME WITH NARY WARNING,
}       THEY CAME WITH MURD'ROUS SPITE,
}       THEY CAME TO POUND OUR TOWN TO DUST
}       THAT HIDEOUS "EGGPLANT NIGHT."
}
}       WE LAY SLEEPING ON OUR RUSTY BEDS
}       TUCKED IN LIKE ALBACORE,
}       THE CHILDREN HUGGED THEIR HORNETS NESTS
}       AND DREAMED OF DINAH SHORE.
}
}       THE POUNDING! POUNDING! IT BEGAN,
}       DOWN BY THE WATERY DOCKS!
}       AND MEN GREW ILL, AND ALL STOOD STILL
}       THE TOWER'S ANCIENT CLOCKS!
}
}       "GEE WHIZ!" WE SHRIEKED IN FEAR AND HATE
}       AS EGGPLANTS CAME ON LAND,
}       "LOOKIE!" CRIED THE BRAVER SOULS
}       SOON SMASHED UPON THE SAND.
}
}       THE EGGPLANTS ATE THE STREETS AND STORES,
}       THEY ATE UP CITY HALL -
}       THEY ATE AND ATE (THEY BURPED) AND OH,
}       THE HORROR OF IT ALL!
}
}       BRAVE ANNIE GOT HER GUN OF COURSE,
}       AND DUMBO TOOK TO AIR -
}       BUT NOT UNTIL GREAT *GECKO* CAME
}       COULD WE THE EGGPLANTS SCARE!
}
}       GREAT GECKO!  HE WHO KNOWS NO GOOD
}       BUT KILLS WITH WANTON GLEE!
}       SOME SAID "OH GREAT, SURE, *THIS* WILL HELP"
}       THE REST, JUST "GOLLY GEE!"
}
}       GECKO STOOD FULL NINE LEAGUES TALL
}       WITH LEGS LIKE MIGHTY WILLOWS -
}       HIS PANT LEGS ARE NINE SIZES LARGE
}       AND THE WIND BETWEEN THEM BILLOWS.
}
}       WITH A MIGHTY RUSH HE GRASPED A 'PLANT
}       AND MASHED IT IN HIS JAWS.
}       IT SCREAMED AND CRIED!  AT LAST IT DIED,
}       BUT GECKO DID NOT PAUSE!
}
}       WITH SWEEPING HAND HE SCOURED THE LAND
}       ALL NIGHT, ALL WEEK, ALL YEAR!
}       UNTIL, AT LAST, HE BURST, AND PAST
}       BEYOND ALL EGGPLANT-FEAR.
}
}       BY THEN JUST EIGHT OR NINE OR TEN
}       BLUE DEATH FRUIT LAY ABOUT -
}       WE FOUND THEM, STAMPED THEM INTO MUSH
}       AND BEGAN TO SING AND SHOUT!
}
}       FOR THOUGH THEY CAME AND TERRIFIED
}       OUR HUMBLE LITTLE TOWN,
}       NOTHING STOPS COURAGEOUS FOLK
}       WHEN ALL THE CHIPS ARE DOWN.
}
}       FOR WE CAN CONQUER ANY FOE
}       WHEREVER THEY MIGHT LURK
}       SO LONG AS WE HAVE BIG DUMB GUYS
}       LIKE GECKO DO THE WORK.


91-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Most Wise,
>
> What should I tell my friend who wants to name her new baby ``Quincy''?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should list for her all the famous Quincies of history.
}
} 1. John Quincy Adams.
} 2. Quincy Marlboro, the inventor of dental floss.
} 3. Quincy Aaron Jones, the second superintendant (1841-1849) of the
}    Cleveland, Ohio school system.  Instituted uniform spelling of the
}    word "Principal" throughout the school system.
} 4. Quincy Hanks, one of the greatest Directors of the Division of
}    Roads in the whole world.  Under his supervision, the DOR filled
}    in over 150,000 potholes annually --- more than twice the number
}    for the previous Director.
} 5. John Quincy Public.  Generic kind of guy.
} 6. Quincy Armond-Dohicky.  First victim of malaria while wearing a
}    zoot suit and drinking at a speakeasy during Prohibition.
} 7. Quincy, a giant quince wearing a top hat, a promotional gimmick of
}    the American Quince Grower's Association from 1961-1965.
}
} Those are the highlights.  You then should point out to your friend what
} a wonderful list of people her son will join.
}
} You owe the Oracle your first-born son "Flopsie".


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