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Internet Oracularities #910

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910, 910-01, 910-02, 910-03, 910-04, 910-05, 910-06, 910-07, 910-08, 910-09, 910-10


Internet Oracularities #910    (103 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 10 Jun 1997 00:10:41 -0500 (EST)

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

910  103 votes iwlp7 elAq6 8hBub 8kyre 9frxj cmxoc 6pqth 4iAwd bxGc5 gCtg4
910   3.0 mean  2.7   2.9   3.2   3.2   3.4   3.0   3.3   3.3   2.7   2.6


910-01    (iwlp7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much wood would a man walk down before you can call him Lisa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dylan isn't even dead yet, and we already have applicants for his job.
}
} Incredible.


910-02    (elAq6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle oh so wise and wonderful, tell me
>
> Who were Little Orphan Annie's parents?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's suprising noone has yet figured this out.  They really
} look quite similar, with hollow eyes, freckles, and red hair.
}
} She is the "love child" of Raggedy Anne & Andy, who knew
} that if word ever got out, their careers would be over.
}
} You owe the Oracle a "Mr. Natural" doll.  The one with
} that comes *with* pants.


910-03    (8hBub dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great one, tolerant of all things lactosian, enlighten this poor
> soul,
>
> What would you do for a Klondike Bar(TM) ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Klondike Bar... <sigh>
}
} One of my fondest memories of the last century was my days spent at the
} Klondike Bar up in the Yukon. The separation of the various colonies
} from  the influences of Eurpoean politics generated a seemingly endless
} torrent of questions ("Whye dost ye ingrateful settlers wishe to part
} from Our Soverign protection?" "Forsooth, howe many fallen trees could
} one of the Colonies' industrious woodland creatures transferre were he
} predisposed in such manner?") In those days, I needed to be in the
} goose business just to keep myself supplied with quills. Immediacy was
} not nearly the concern it is today (carrier pigeons and messengers were
} fine back then, now Kinzler gets his shorts in a bunch when I have to
} fall back to only a T3 line).
}
} I decided I needed a break and headed for the Canadian mountains. I
} found the Klondike Bar in what first looked like a rough and tumble
} mining town, but when I settled in, I found a number of fellow
} travelers and intellectuals there. It seems that the reports of the
} gold strike were so compelling that even the educated classes were
} getting into the act. (Today we have History Ph.D's driving taxi cabs,
} back then, they were panning for gold.)
}
} I had a marvellous time, holding court in the back of the saloon,
} talking about philosophy, politics, religion, science; anything and
} everything. I didn't even have to answer all the questions. I really
} enjoyed myself.
}
} The only thing that brought me back to "civilization" was a growing
} hatred of Jacques Offenbach's music. Even an immortal begin can listen
} to "Can Can" only so many times before beginning to lose touch with
} one's sanity.
}
} I would do lots of different things to recreate that kind of experience
} here.
}
} In rereading your question, it appears that you refer to a particular
} brand of hard chocolate-covered ice cream confection developed by the
} Isaly's company. For one of these, I would spend some time reminiscing
} about the "good old days" with a Supplicant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Klondike Bar (TM).


910-04    (8kyre dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O labyrinthine one,
>
> The toilet down the hall from my office has a white seat in the
> traditional open-oval form used with high-volume commodes, i.e.
> ones with a pressurized flush instead of a tank.  Anyway,
> on the underside of the seat (you will divine that I am male)
> is imprinted the word "OLSONITE".
>
> I have never heard of Olsonite and am wondering what kind of
> material it is.  Can you enlighten me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should have checked the others...
} The first letter ("M") has been scratched off.
} A Molsonite is a used beer repository.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dry bud.


910-05    (9frxj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who is wiser than Ziggy and Garfield, please tell me:
>
>       Assuming that the characters in Peanuts were to ever start aging,
> what would they grow up to be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble supplicant, I shall endeavor to persevere.  Now, let me just
} start up the Way-Back Machine...oops, wrong gadget.  Let me get down
} the crystal ball...
}
} Schroeder grows up to be a frustrated grunge musician; despite his
} obvious talent, he's never discovered and spends the rest of his life
} bagging groceries during the week and playing in grubby clubs on
} weekends.  He becomes the bitterest living human being before he's
} forty.
}
} Pigpen grows up to be the drummer in Schroeder's band.
}
} Linus, that pathetic weakling, overdoses on heroin and dies a week
} before his twentieth birthday.  Sally commits suicide upon learning of
} this.
}
} Rerun grows up to get a degree in psychology, and will draw on his
} experiences watching the screwed-up antics of the others to write a
} bunch of touchy-feely pop-psychology books.
}
} Roosevelt gets a football scholarship to Stanford, and, after the end
} of a professional career, becomes a motivational speaker, and, later
} on, a daytime talk show host.
}
} Lucy becomes a professional dominatrix.
}
} Peppermint Patty, along with what's-her-name with the glasses, becomes
} a nationally-known lesbian activist.
}
} Snoopy dies of rabies around the time Charlie Brown's voice changes.
}
} Woodstock is caught and eaten by Heathcliff, on a raiding foray from
} another strip.
}
} And Charlie Brown grows up to get a job with the postal service; one
} day he brings an AK-47 to work, and kills eighteen of his co-workers
} before the cops cut him down.  All the statements given to the police
} afterwards agree on one thing--"He was such a quiet man, and he seemed
} like such a nice guy."
}
} You owe the Oracle some extra magazines for this AK-47.


910-06    (cmxoc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of Oracles, worthy of the highest odium, answer me this:
>       Wh_r_ h_v_ m_ v_w_ls g_n_? C_n y__ h_lp m_ f_nd th_m? Pl__s_!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Embarrassing isn't it? But it happens to us all.
}       Whenever I have loose vowels I use Pepto-Vanna.
}       It's expensive, but it works!
}
} You owe the Oracle a "p".


910-07    (6pqth dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <Lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, dear Oracle, tell me, how I can get the file 'SONIC2.ZIP' for the
> SEGA Genesis Emulator

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble supplicant, the answer to your question is a complex one.
}
} You must build a bonfire and use it to heat a 55-gallon drum full of a
} 50-50 mixture of muriatic acid and carbon tetrachloride.  Take a piece
} of chalk and draw a pentagram on the ground in front of the bonfire.
} Then get a rat and a magic marker.  Write on its back:  SONIC2.ZIP
}
} When the carbon tetrachloride starts to simmer, sacrifice a rat by
} biting its head off.  Spit the head into the flames.  Then take the
} carcass in your left hand, by the tail, and swing it nine times
} clockwise around your head.
}
} As you swing the rat, chant thusly:
}
} 1 @m a h@c|<3r aNd I Ne3d kEwl w@r3zzz!
}
} Throw the rat into the barrel.  Walk home, and do not think of camels.
}
} The G0dZ oF w@r3z will then grant your wish.  And when you get back
} home, the file SONIC2.ZIP will be on your hard drive, in a hidden
} directory with the path c:\w@r3z\g0dz\s+uFf.
}
} You owe the Oracle some k3wl w@r3zzz that will run on this old
} Commodore VIC-20.


910-08    (4iAwd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I see we have a new Spam King on the net.  I
> speak, of course, of Sanford Wallace, President of Cyber Promotions.  I
> was just wondering:  is Sanford Wallace in any way related to Jeff
> Slaton, the former self-styled SpAmKiNg?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} GLASGOW, FRIDAY - Scientests have admitted that Dolly the Sheep is
} not the only animal to have been cloned since the cloning technology
} was developed last year.  Professor Robert Gordon Clyde McPherson,
} head of the Genetic Research Unit, revealed yesterday that there was,
} indeed, an attempt to clone a human; but that the results were "not
} what we expected".
}
} "Actually, it was a pretty horrifying experience," recounted
} Professor McPherson.  "We knew that attempting to clone a human would
} not be acceptable, so we used Joel Furr instead, hoping to
} avoid any possible outrage.  What happened next was, I hope,
} something that will never be repeated in scientific history."
}
} Professor McPherson went on to describe how one of his lab
} assistants was handling the cell samples and eating a Spam sandwich
} at the same time.
}
} "We never realized that the samples had been contaminated until  the
} cell cultures were incubated.  When we opened the incubator, we were
} immediately attacked.  Two creatures calling themselves Jeff and
} Sanford leapt out and attempted to sell us computer paper and life
} insurance.  They escaped the facility shortly after, despite the
} tight security we placed on them while we decided what to do."
}
} Worldwide condemnation has resulted from the Glasgow revelation.
} The scientific community has joined in, and an international ban on
} cloning humans has been announced.
}
} "I just hope that others learn from our experience", stated Professor
} McPherson.  "Cloning humans is just too dangerous."
}
} You owe the Oracle an international ban on woodchuck cloning.


910-09    (bxGc5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, on the 'net,
> tell me and I won't forget:
> why do people's bodies sweat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <MODE = PROFESSORIAL>
}         A level III examination (using an HP579 NMR, an MS MEDCAD 7.2,
} and a 50 MHz EM) of the subdermal hematic layer of the tarsal,
} metatarsal, and cerebral meninges will reveal that they contain a
} partially compacted layer of epithelial structures.  These structures
} "bond with" dihydrooxgenase (water) molecules in an attempt to enrich
} the quantum p-levels of their innermost Dirac shell...to steal an
} analogy that one of my freshmen made recently, these structures bond
} with water molecules in an attempt to "fill up their lives, dude."
} When these structures are thermally excited, their p-level capacity
} fluxes away from the volume provided by the currently-bonded
} dihydrooxygenase molecule, causing them to seek a bonding which
} provides a closer match to their new level.  This displaces the
} currently-bonded dihydrooxygenase molecule, which is now repelled
} by the previous bonding site.  Since the epithelial structures are
} partially compacted, they provide a more efficient barrier to the
} molecules, whereas the epidermis superior to the molecules is quite
} porous; therefore, the water molecules migrate upwards and ultimately
} to the surface of the skin.
} </MODE>
}
} <MODE = LOCKER ROOM>
}         In other words, when you get hot, you sweat because all of your
} partially compacted epithelial structures are looking for new
} girlfriends and the old ones have to go somewhere.
} </MODE>


910-10    (gCtg4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> % man spam

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} According to the official SPAM nutrition facts label, the total % RDA
} (recommended daily allowance) of "man" in "SPAM" is "0%". It does not
} actually however reveal the recommended daily allowance of "man" or
} "woman" for that matter. Further questions are refered to the NMMC
} (National Miscelaneous Meat Council).


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