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Internet Oracularities #911

Goto:
911, 911-01, 911-02, 911-03, 911-04, 911-05, 911-06, 911-07, 911-08, 911-09, 911-10


Internet Oracularities #911    (105 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 12 Jun 1997 00:10:34 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   911
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

911  105 votes 9njDf euAi7 2iDth 1ezGd 5cCuk egyni 9hyyb 9lAli 6nxy9 ckuoj
911   3.2 mean  3.3   2.8   3.4   3.5   3.5   3.1   3.2   3.2   3.2   3.2


911-01    (9njDf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do some people talk so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [shrug]


911-02    (euAi7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In the gloaming, Oracle my darling, when the lights are soft and low
> Will you think of me and love me, as you did once long ago?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Having second thoughts about Zadoc, are we?


911-03    (2iDth dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most topologically correct Oracle,
>
> where can I find a ship in a Klein bottle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} COMING SOON TO A LOCATION NEAR YOU
}
} U. Clid's Toy and Hobby Shop
} Serving the mathematical community's entertainment needs
}
} Here you will find:
} -The world's largest collection of tangrams
} -A fine selection of compasses, rulers, and graph paper (custom grid
}  sizes available!!) for all your holiday craft projects
} -The exclusive distributor for
}      Calculate-my-surface-area Elmo: ages 3-5
}      Ship in a Klein Bottle: friends will spend so much time trying to
}        find the inside of the bottle, they'll never figure out how a
}        ship got there!
}      Mighty Morphin' Mobius
}      Gpagotchi: The Virtual MIT Applicant Keychain:  Answer the included
}        SAT Math questions wrong, watch him hyperventilate!
} -And Much, Much More!
}
} Mention this ad for a discount on your first purchase!*
}
} *discounts will be in the range of 5-20% based on a curve according to
} the total of your purchase compared to the totals of other customers
} purchases in the preceding 24 hour period.


911-04    (1ezGd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle whithout whom Chemistry itself would be impossible,
> I've got a tightly sealed bottle containing a super-saturated solution
> of carbonic acid in front of me.  I'm thirsty. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Plain carbonic acid? Yuk!  Let's see if we can flavor this up a little.
}
} Start by gently twisting the cap counterclockwise.  Observe the
} reaction as the carbonic acid (CA) comes out of solution as carbon
} dioxide (CO2) in the form of fizzy bubbles (or "effervescence",
} as we chemists call it.)
}
} Sip, and you'll discover that the carbonic acid tastes remarkably
} like...carbonic acid.  Find yourself some purified sucrose, C6H12O6,
} and mix until saturated.  Try it now, and you'll find it tastes like...
} sweetened carbonic acid.  Let's try harder.
}
} What have we got hanging around the lab?  A little kola nut, a little
} cinnamon oil, some of that unlabeled bottle over there... ahhhhh.
} Cool, refreshing.  I think I'd like to buy the world one.
}
} What shall I call my CO2/CA - kola nut solution?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Sprite.


911-05    (5cCuk dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ole wise and wonderful oracle.  Please give me the answer to
> my question!  It important to me to know the possibility of the
> continuance of the orbiting of the nine planets.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft
} Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the Solar
} System.
}
} "It was a natural outgrowth of our corporate policy," commented John
} Smackwine, Microsoft Director of Misinformation. "We were sitting
} around, having a few beers, wondering what we should buy next.
} Someone joked, 'Everything!'"
}
} Smackwine continued, "We all laughed, but then we saw Bill's face,
} and we knew we'd be on the phone the next morning."
}
} A senior official at NASA praised the move, stating, "This could
} well improve the financial situation with regard to exploration
} and exploitation of space resources. We welcome the private sector
} into space." Others, however, are worried about the possibility of
} exorbitant fees simply to observe the other planets.
}
} Initially, there are no plans to change the current operation of
} the Solar System, although it is rumoured that projects are in the
} pipeline to reduce the duplication and inefficiency so abhorrent to
} modern corporate structures. "Although I can neither confirm or deny
} any of these rumours," said Smackwine, "it is true that Microsoft
} intends to drag the Solar System, kicking and screaming, into the
} current Galactic Year."
}
} Suggested improvements include a reduction in the number of gas giants,
} and a correction to the orbit of Pluto to ensure that the outermost
} planet does not wander inside the orbit of Neptune.
}
} "That's always irritated Bill," commented one insider. "If it _is_
} the outermost planet, it should stay there."
}
} These rumours have alarmed astrologers, who claim that any reduction in
} the number of planets could have a serious impact on their profession.
} Legal advice is being taken to see whether a class action suit would
} be advisable in the event of any major changes being implemented.
}
} No one at the Flat Earth Society was available for comment.
}
} You owe the Oracle an automatic "Microsoft Acquires" answer generator.


911-06    (egyni dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for choosing DorkCo(TM)'s Keyboard For Idiots (TM). With its
} single drool-proof ABS plastic Return key (helpfully labelled "UG!")
} and accompanying MicroCeph Email For Dolts (TM), this latest revision
} of the best-selling DumbBoard (TM) allows you to automatically send
} null queries to Congressmen, Bill Gates and the Usenet Oracle ALL AT
} ONCE, giving you the chance to ACTUALLY USE the REAL LIVE INTERNET,
} just like the regular people.
}
} Tell your parent or State-appointed guardian to look out for DorkCo's
} newest products, InstaSpam (TM), MagiFlame (TM) and IRC Glossolalia
} (TM)!


911-07    (9hyyb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best place on the internet to find math activities for
> Algebra I and higher math for high school students?
> Jane
> .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, MAN.  I KNEW this was going to happen.  I HATE word problems.
} They're, like, CONFUSING, and there's always, like, a TRICK to them.
} I NEVER get them right, no matter how carefully I read them.  Let me
} analyze this carefully...
}
} > What's the best place on the internet to find math activities for
} > Algebra I and higher math for high school students?
}
} Hmmm, nothing unusual there...unless...wait a minute..."internet?"
} Shouldn't that be capitalized?  That may be a clue.  Okay, let me read
} a bit more...
}
} > Jane
}
} Uh huh.  Looks like a perfectly legit signature.  There's just one more
} line...
}
} > .
}
} What the...?  A lone decimal point?  This is definitely the trick
} part.  Shouldn't there be numbers before or after it?  There's gotta
} be more to this than meets the eye.  Darn, I KNEW I should have paid
} attention to Zeus in Omniscience 101.  Oh, drat.  My time must be
} running out; maybe I should just guess.  Yeah, that's probably--
}
} TIME! PLEASE STOP TYPING AND SEND YOUR REPLY.
}
} DARN! Just when I was about to get it!
}
} You owe the Oracle a trick answer.


911-08    (9lAli dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, when will those ****ing CyberPromo internet
> telemarketers get the message that I do NOT want to receive their
> ****ing advertisements?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} AMAZING NEW OFFER!
}
}       For a limited time only, we will POST your credit card number to
}       every USENET newsgroup, for just $19.95!!!!1!! Order Now
}
}               Send a Check or Money order, along with your CREDIT CARD
}               NUMBER, to
}
}                       D&P Promotions
}                       P.O. Box 42
}                       Dogpatch, IA 51241
} --
} To be removed, send an email message to remove@cyberpromo.com and we'll
} laugh ourselves silly at your naivete.
}
} ^C
}
} Apparently, not yet.
}
} You owe the Oracle A WAY TO F***ING ELECTROCUTE PEOPLE VIA THE
} INTERNET... *ahem* Sorry.


911-09    (6nxy9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle whose wisdom never falters and advice is unerringly perfect
> in every respect, please answer this most difficult question.
>
> Why are baby sitters called baby sitters when they don't sit on babies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It actually dates back to the Middle Ages, when they actually _did_
} sit on the children in their care. At the time, this was considered
} a "sovrain remedie" for the ills of childhood.  Tragically, children
} raised in this fashion often suffered from oxygen starvation to
} the brain, and when they grew up the only jobs open to them were as
} writers and chroniclers. This is why Olde Englishe is spelt so badly.
}
} Coincidentally, the Quayles had a very traditional approach to the
} raising of J. Danforth.
}
} You owe the Oracle documentary evidence of this method so that I can
} use it on Lisa's annoying nephew.


911-10    (ckuoj dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@brisbane.sgi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's been well over a week since the last Oracularities Digest came
> out... it seems to be slowing down a bit.  You must be getting an awful
> lot of utter dreck from the clue-disadvantaged Incarnations, eh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pot, Kettle, Black


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