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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> emu > ratite > ostrich

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, I know this code!  To crack it, first I have to break the block of } letters down into individual words. } } e      m      u } r      at            it       e } os     t      ri     ch } } Now comes the interesting part - figuring out what the words mean. } This is where a working knowledge of Tarot cards comes in handy. } } Eros - This is easy.  It's a question about love.  An ever-popular } topic. } } Matt - Oho!  So Matt is the fellow you're in love with. } } Uri - What's this?  You're in love with two guys?  Well don't feel bad. } It's actually happened to quite a few people in the past.  Yes, there } can be difficulties, but generally not insurmountable.  Is Uri Jewish, } by any chance?  That could complicate matters. } } Itch - Uh oh.  I don't like the way this question is heading. } } E - What on earth?  You aren't Canadian, are you?  Even if you were, } it's spelled "eh". } } Oh, wait a minute, I see.  You left out an N.  Trying to make my job } difficult, are you?  Well I can see through your clumsy tricks, mortal. } The E goes along with the Uri and the N that you omitted.  So now we } have: } } Eros } Matt } Urine } Itch } } Now I understand why you're writing in code - you didn't want to say it } out loud.  Don't worry about it.  A shot of penicillin ought to do the } trick. } } You owe Matt a phone call.  But don't try the secret code business with } him.  Men are really bad at taking hints, you know.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what the hell is this crap?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You there, what are you doing in that closet?  I love it when you } supplicants avert your eyes when you approach my throne, but you've got } to watch out where you're going.  Let's put the light on and see what } you've gotten yourself into.  There.  Jeez, what *is* this crap?  Hmm, } Zorro cape and sword, Davy Crockett hat and ukelele, Dr. Memory's DEC } Internals, a case of Wildroot, 1953 street map of Syracuse, complete } set of 1963 Topps baseball cards, Stinking Desert National Monument } souvenir arrowhead, 1974 WABX wall calendar, Dr. Diag's Guide to } Classical Greek, Orr's Ocean Survival Manual, a World War II surplus } Army field oven, sheet music to "Malaguena" and "Climb Ev'ry Mountain," } the Time-Life Home Repair Library, a battery-operated pushover, two } cases of Space Food Sticks, a Sixth Finger, a registry of the Italian } population of Sausalito, a hydogen jukebox, a big bag of Acapulco Gold } and a postal scale, a leather-bound edition of "A La Recherche Des } Temps Perdu" . . . } } I haven't been in here in years.  Can you believe I actually *asked* } for all this stuff? Well, I'm sure I had my reasons.  I'm like a kid in } a candy store with you supplicants.  I can ask for anything I want!  I } tell you, it's even worse than watching QVC. } } You owe the Oracle a dumpster and a Superfund exemption.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>           ..............Tell me oh Oracle of Oracles............... > tell me honestly........... is chocolate taking over my life ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble Supplicant, }    I can assure you <chocolate> that chocolate is not in } fact taking <candy from a baby> over your life <has no meaning } without chocolate>.  You are a well balanced individual<ly wrapped } chocolate covered cherries...yum!> and are perfectly <blended mix of } chocolate and peanut butter> capable of controlling your <mine, all } mine, and oh so sweet and chocolatey> cravings for this highly } addictive substance.  I'm sure your friends <they're after my } chocolate!  thieves!> would let you know if your social life and grades } <grade A finest quality semi-sweet morsels, how I love you!> were } suffering <withdrawal! must have more chocolate> from your } <uncontrollable> cravings.  Rest easy, gentle supplicant, knowing <that } you will never be without chocolate, even if you have to kill for it> } that you are right on track. } } You owe the <oh so yummy chocolatey fudge covered> oracle a box of } chocolates for Lisa.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Immortal Oracle, whose wisdom shines brightly even on rainy days in > Seattle: > > Why are so many men attracted to bimbos and threatened by intelligent > and independent women?  What are they afraid of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 9-0 Supreme Court decisions. } } You owe the Oracle Paula Jones' hairspray.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of Oracles, whose DNA can only be reproduced by close contact > with Lisa:         Where is Site B?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The Oracle snaps his fingers.  Supplicant and Oracle appear in 1B Olin } Library, Cornell University -- the Map Room.  Library patrons stare in } amazement.  Several of the fraternity brothers present decide that a } keg of beer wasn't enough.  An engineer whips out his Powerbook } 3400/240 and begins taking notes.  The hotelies present are too } engrossed in their copies of _Sports Illustrated_ -- and wondering why } it is so difficult to read -- to notice the event.  The Oracle walks } over to the card catalogue, with the supplicant in tow.] } } OK -- this is a card catalogue.  Have you ever used one?  I didn't } think so.  You need to put your hands on the keyboard and type -- like } this. } } [The Oracle noticed that the previous user left himself logged in on a } MUD.] } }         <ZOT> }                 Connection closed by foreign host. }         <Cmd-N>notis.library.cornell.edu }                 Enter search: }         K=SITE B INGEN.AU. P.FMT. }                 INTERNATIONAL GENETICS (INGEN) }                   1     INGEN CONFIDENTIAL RECORDS <1996> map }         DISP 1 }         LON }                        TITLE:   InGen confidential records -- Maps. } }                  AUTHOR/NAME:   International Genetics, Inc., }                                 Cambridge, USA. } }                    PUBLISHED:   InGen Press, Inc., Cambridge, 1996. } }                  DESCRIPTION:   coll. map 100x100cm. }                                 Scale 1:50,000. } }                     SUBJECTS:   Dinosaur raising. }                                 Genetic engineering. }                                 Law of the Sea -- gross violations. }                                 Mercenaries -- incompetency -- case }                                 studies. Costa Rica -- maps. }                                 International Genetics, Inc. (InGen). }                                 Jurassic Park. }                                 Site B. }                                 Cinco Muertas, Las. } }                        NOTES:   "Property of InGen -- Proprietary and }                                   Confidential." }                                 "Location of and plans for Jurassic }                                 Park." "Includes Site B." }                                 Includes index and location maps. } }                 -------------------------------------------------------- } }                 LOCATION:           CALL NUMBER:        STATUS: }                 Olin Library Maps   G4861.I6 1996 X42   Not checked out }                 (Non-Circulating) } } I think that's our map.  Don't you?  [Supplicant meekly nods.  Oracle } walks over to the G4800 row and pulls out the appropriate map, which he } unfolds.] } } Right there.  On that "Isla Muerta" place. } } You owe the Oracle a scientific consultant -- he'd like to have one to } loan to Amblin.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most blessed of Oracles, > > If bats are to belfries as beavers are to sheep, > then Pollen is to Dutchmen as Carp are to...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Enter, stage left, a tall and rather attractive woman with sunglasses } and curly black hair. She is dressed entirely in black leather and is } surrounded by vapid Baywatch-guy types doing a dance best described as } a combination between voguing and the Macarena. There is a powerful } disco/hiphop beat.) } } Michelle, the Oracular rebound girlfriend here. The answer is "heap". } } This may seem a bit strange, even random. But try and follow me. Don't } forget that minor deviations in early iterations cause messy situations } that put you off your medications. Now when you take a whack at an SAT } hack and get your friends in a muddle betwen betwixt and befuddle don't } get too mad cause it's not that bad but it is kind of sad that you fell } for this crap 'Cause I really can't rap. It may seem like a crime but } it's really about time I said I picked "heap" for the rhyme. } } You owe me a new catsuit, preferably something in nylon or fleece. } Orrie likes this leather one, but it's too hot...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is it that you beat me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: <N> } Gary, Gary, Gary, remember our little agreement?  After I caught you } with that tawdry little Powerbook on your lap?  And how you said it } would never happen again? } } But no, Mr. "I am the World's Greatest Chessplayer Ever", you couldn't } keep a promise, could you?  Just couldn't keep your grubby hands off } of strange trackballs, mice, keyboards, passed pawns.  ... Why, it } almost made me sick when Deep Blue telnetted me, sobbing and } heartbroken, and told me you were muttering "floating point decimal } approximation" and "Y2K convert _this_!" under your breath. } } Why is it that I beat you?  Because assimilation is too good for } you, Pawn-boy.  Think about _that_ the next time you're sacrificing } a Rook for a cheap bottle of muscatel in a bus station somewhere. } } You owe the Oracle a tiddly-wink.                 <N>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, please take no offense at the question I, > a humble supplicant, ask.  I would not dream of poking fun > of the families who have suffered, but my hate is so great > for the one who has caused the suffering, that I must pose > this query: > > Mary had a little lamb, > her fleece was red, white, and blue. > If T. McVeigh gets the electric chair > will it be shown on Pay per view?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If he's ordered to be shot, } A firing squad is what you've got. } For watching this on TV, then } You should try ESPN. } } Another way is not so fast, } Gasps of gas will be his last. } So if you like your drama slow, } PBS is where you'll go. } } If, instead, he gets the chair, } High voltage will burn off his hair, } His feet will fry inside his socks, } And you should watch it all on Fox. } } A poison shot is now in vogue; } Dr. Jack could do the rogue. } It just might be Must See TV - } So, of course, that's NBC. } } If he's sentenced to be hung, } Expect the protests to be sung. } The cov'rage which will be most fun } Will be found on VH-1. } } A guillotine would sure be quick, } And watching it might make you sick. } But if it's not too big a mess, } It'll be on CBS. } } But the saddest end might be } If he's given life, you see, } 'Cause then you'll merely have to wish } For something good on sat'lite dish. } } You owe the Oracle a large popcorn and a box of Junior Mints.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The flying monkey > Took my clothes up to his tree > and now I am free > > Why sit idly by? > Ants have more purpose than I > My soul is like wind > > Without clothes I'm lost > No shirt, no shoes, no service. > Must find that monkey.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a fine story. } Now step out of the car, please, } your hands in the air. } } Have you been drinking? } Whew! It sure smells like you have. } Pardon these handcuffs. } } Silence is your right. } Your words can and will haunt you. } The lawyer is free. } } That cameraman? } Oh, he is from that "Cops" show. } I hope you don't mind.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that my uudecode program does not do what I want it to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it does not like uu.