[IO]
Internet Oracle
23 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 11:13:17 GMT

Internet Oracularities #912

Goto:
912, 912-01, 912-02, 912-03, 912-04, 912-05, 912-06, 912-07, 912-08, 912-09, 912-10


Internet Oracularities #912    (107 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 14 Jun 1997 00:10:31 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   912
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

912  107 votes 1etzs 5pzz7 4sIkb brmwf iJpf4 nEwb1 cowqd dfvnp 7gEpj 9jrvl
912   3.1 mean  3.7   3.1   3.1   3.1   2.5   2.3   3.0   3.3   3.3   3.3


912-01    (1etzs dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> emu
> ratite
> ostrich

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, I know this code!  To crack it, first I have to break the block of
} letters down into individual words.
}
} e      m      u
} r      at            it       e
} os     t      ri     ch
}
} Now comes the interesting part - figuring out what the words mean.
} This is where a working knowledge of Tarot cards comes in handy.
}
} Eros - This is easy.  It's a question about love.  An ever-popular
} topic.
}
} Matt - Oho!  So Matt is the fellow you're in love with.
}
} Uri - What's this?  You're in love with two guys?  Well don't feel bad.
} It's actually happened to quite a few people in the past.  Yes, there
} can be difficulties, but generally not insurmountable.  Is Uri Jewish,
} by any chance?  That could complicate matters.
}
} Itch - Uh oh.  I don't like the way this question is heading.
}
} E - What on earth?  You aren't Canadian, are you?  Even if you were,
} it's spelled "eh".
}
} Oh, wait a minute, I see.  You left out an N.  Trying to make my job
} difficult, are you?  Well I can see through your clumsy tricks, mortal.
} The E goes along with the Uri and the N that you omitted.  So now we
} have:
}
} Eros
} Matt
} Urine
} Itch
}
} Now I understand why you're writing in code - you didn't want to say it
} out loud.  Don't worry about it.  A shot of penicillin ought to do the
} trick.
}
} You owe Matt a phone call.  But don't try the secret code business with
} him.  Men are really bad at taking hints, you know.


912-02    (5pzz7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what the hell is this crap?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You there, what are you doing in that closet?  I love it when you
} supplicants avert your eyes when you approach my throne, but you've got
} to watch out where you're going.  Let's put the light on and see what
} you've gotten yourself into.  There.  Jeez, what *is* this crap?  Hmm,
} Zorro cape and sword, Davy Crockett hat and ukelele, Dr. Memory's DEC
} Internals, a case of Wildroot, 1953 street map of Syracuse, complete
} set of 1963 Topps baseball cards, Stinking Desert National Monument
} souvenir arrowhead, 1974 WABX wall calendar, Dr. Diag's Guide to
} Classical Greek, Orr's Ocean Survival Manual, a World War II surplus
} Army field oven, sheet music to "Malaguena" and "Climb Ev'ry Mountain,"
} the Time-Life Home Repair Library, a battery-operated pushover, two
} cases of Space Food Sticks, a Sixth Finger, a registry of the Italian
} population of Sausalito, a hydogen jukebox, a big bag of Acapulco Gold
} and a postal scale, a leather-bound edition of "A La Recherche Des
} Temps Perdu" . . .
}
} I haven't been in here in years.  Can you believe I actually *asked*
} for all this stuff? Well, I'm sure I had my reasons.  I'm like a kid in
} a candy store with you supplicants.  I can ask for anything I want!  I
} tell you, it's even worse than watching QVC.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dumpster and a Superfund exemption.


912-03    (4sIkb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>           ..............Tell me oh Oracle of Oracles...............
> tell me honestly........... is chocolate taking over my life ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble Supplicant,
}    I can assure you <chocolate> that chocolate is not in
} fact taking <candy from a baby> over your life <has no meaning
} without chocolate>.  You are a well balanced individual<ly wrapped
} chocolate covered cherries...yum!> and are perfectly <blended mix of
} chocolate and peanut butter> capable of controlling your <mine, all
} mine, and oh so sweet and chocolatey> cravings for this highly
} addictive substance.  I'm sure your friends <they're after my
} chocolate!  thieves!> would let you know if your social life and grades
} <grade A finest quality semi-sweet morsels, how I love you!> were
} suffering <withdrawal! must have more chocolate> from your
} <uncontrollable> cravings.  Rest easy, gentle supplicant, knowing <that
} you will never be without chocolate, even if you have to kill for it>
} that you are right on track.
}
} You owe the <oh so yummy chocolatey fudge covered> oracle a box of
} chocolates for Lisa.


912-04    (brmwf dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Immortal Oracle, whose wisdom shines brightly even on rainy days in
> Seattle:
>
> Why are so many men attracted to bimbos and threatened by intelligent
> and independent women?  What are they afraid of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 9-0 Supreme Court decisions.
}
} You owe the Oracle Paula Jones' hairspray.


912-05    (iJpf4 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of Oracles, whose DNA can only be reproduced by close contact
> with Lisa:         Where is Site B?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The Oracle snaps his fingers.  Supplicant and Oracle appear in 1B Olin
} Library, Cornell University -- the Map Room.  Library patrons stare in
} amazement.  Several of the fraternity brothers present decide that a
} keg of beer wasn't enough.  An engineer whips out his Powerbook
} 3400/240 and begins taking notes.  The hotelies present are too
} engrossed in their copies of _Sports Illustrated_ -- and wondering why
} it is so difficult to read -- to notice the event.  The Oracle walks
} over to the card catalogue, with the supplicant in tow.]
}
} OK -- this is a card catalogue.  Have you ever used one?  I didn't
} think so.  You need to put your hands on the keyboard and type -- like
} this.
}
} [The Oracle noticed that the previous user left himself logged in on a
} MUD.]
}
}         <ZOT>
}                 Connection closed by foreign host.
}         <Cmd-N>notis.library.cornell.edu
}                 Enter search:
}         K=SITE B INGEN.AU. P.FMT.
}                 INTERNATIONAL GENETICS (INGEN)
}                   1     INGEN CONFIDENTIAL RECORDS <1996> map
}         DISP 1
}         LON
}                        TITLE:   InGen confidential records -- Maps.
}
}                  AUTHOR/NAME:   International Genetics, Inc.,
}                                 Cambridge, USA.
}
}                    PUBLISHED:   InGen Press, Inc., Cambridge, 1996.
}
}                  DESCRIPTION:   coll. map 100x100cm.
}                                 Scale 1:50,000.
}
}                     SUBJECTS:   Dinosaur raising.
}                                 Genetic engineering.
}                                 Law of the Sea -- gross violations.
}                                 Mercenaries -- incompetency -- case
}                                 studies. Costa Rica -- maps.
}                                 International Genetics, Inc. (InGen).
}                                 Jurassic Park.
}                                 Site B.
}                                 Cinco Muertas, Las.
}
}                        NOTES:   "Property of InGen -- Proprietary and
}                                   Confidential."
}                                 "Location of and plans for Jurassic
}                                 Park." "Includes Site B."
}                                 Includes index and location maps.
}
}                 --------------------------------------------------------
}
}                 LOCATION:           CALL NUMBER:        STATUS:
}                 Olin Library Maps   G4861.I6 1996 X42   Not checked out
}                 (Non-Circulating)
}
} I think that's our map.  Don't you?  [Supplicant meekly nods.  Oracle
} walks over to the G4800 row and pulls out the appropriate map, which he
} unfolds.]
}
} Right there.  On that "Isla Muerta" place.
}
} You owe the Oracle a scientific consultant -- he'd like to have one to
} loan to Amblin.


912-06    (nEwb1 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most blessed of Oracles,
>
> If bats are to belfries as beavers are to sheep,
> then Pollen is to Dutchmen as Carp are to...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Enter, stage left, a tall and rather attractive woman with sunglasses
} and curly black hair. She is dressed entirely in black leather and is
} surrounded by vapid Baywatch-guy types doing a dance best described as
} a combination between voguing and the Macarena. There is a powerful
} disco/hiphop beat.)
}
} Michelle, the Oracular rebound girlfriend here. The answer is "heap".
}
} This may seem a bit strange, even random. But try and follow me. Don't
} forget that minor deviations in early iterations cause messy situations
} that put you off your medications. Now when you take a whack at an SAT
} hack and get your friends in a muddle betwen betwixt and befuddle don't
} get too mad cause it's not that bad but it is kind of sad that you fell
} for this crap 'Cause I really can't rap. It may seem like a crime but
} it's really about time I said I picked "heap" for the rhyme.
}
} You owe me a new catsuit, preferably something in nylon or fleece.
} Orrie likes this leather one, but it's too hot...


912-07    (cowqd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is it that you beat me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: <N>
} Gary, Gary, Gary, remember our little agreement?  After I caught you
} with that tawdry little Powerbook on your lap?  And how you said it
} would never happen again?
}
} But no, Mr. "I am the World's Greatest Chessplayer Ever", you couldn't
} keep a promise, could you?  Just couldn't keep your grubby hands off
} of strange trackballs, mice, keyboards, passed pawns.  ... Why, it
} almost made me sick when Deep Blue telnetted me, sobbing and
} heartbroken, and told me you were muttering "floating point decimal
} approximation" and "Y2K convert _this_!" under your breath.
}
} Why is it that I beat you?  Because assimilation is too good for
} you, Pawn-boy.  Think about _that_ the next time you're sacrificing
} a Rook for a cheap bottle of muscatel in a bus station somewhere.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tiddly-wink.                 <N>


912-08    (dfvnp dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: noe@lccsd.sd.platsol.com (Dr. Noe)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, please take no offense at the question I,
> a humble supplicant, ask.  I would not dream of poking fun
> of the families who have suffered, but my hate is so great
> for the one who has caused the suffering, that I must pose
> this query:
>
> Mary had a little lamb,
> her fleece was red, white, and blue.
> If T. McVeigh gets the electric chair
> will it be shown on Pay per view?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If he's ordered to be shot,
} A firing squad is what you've got.
} For watching this on TV, then
} You should try ESPN.
}
} Another way is not so fast,
} Gasps of gas will be his last.
} So if you like your drama slow,
} PBS is where you'll go.
}
} If, instead, he gets the chair,
} High voltage will burn off his hair,
} His feet will fry inside his socks,
} And you should watch it all on Fox.
}
} A poison shot is now in vogue;
} Dr. Jack could do the rogue.
} It just might be Must See TV -
} So, of course, that's NBC.
}
} If he's sentenced to be hung,
} Expect the protests to be sung.
} The cov'rage which will be most fun
} Will be found on VH-1.
}
} A guillotine would sure be quick,
} And watching it might make you sick.
} But if it's not too big a mess,
} It'll be on CBS.
}
} But the saddest end might be
} If he's given life, you see,
} 'Cause then you'll merely have to wish
} For something good on sat'lite dish.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large popcorn and a box of Junior Mints.


912-09    (7gEpj dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The flying monkey
> Took my clothes up to his tree
> and now I am free
>
> Why sit idly by?
> Ants have more purpose than I
> My soul is like wind
>
> Without clothes I'm lost
> No shirt, no shoes, no service.
> Must find that monkey.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a fine story.
} Now step out of the car, please,
} your hands in the air.
}
} Have you been drinking?
} Whew! It sure smells like you have.
} Pardon these handcuffs.
}
} Silence is your right.
} Your words can and will haunt you.
} The lawyer is free.
}
} That cameraman?
} Oh, he is from that "Cops" show.
} I hope you don't mind.


912-10    (9jrvl dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that my uudecode program does not do what I want it to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it does not like uu.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org