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Internet Oracularities #913

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Internet Oracularities #913    (111 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 18 Jun 1997 08:26:24 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   913
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

913  111 votes 9hqnA 19wzy 59yBq 9jzwg byGg8 zxqc5 3fvHj 9wyqa 6yDma tGmd5
913   3.1 mean  3.5   3.8   3.6   3.2   2.8   2.3   3.5   3.0   3.0   2.3


913-01    (9hqnA dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are you so ugly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is an ancient Oracle,
}  And he stoppeth one of three.
} "By thy long grey beard and glittering staff,
}  Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?"
}
} He holds him with his glittering staff--
}  guest@wedding.com stood still.
} And listens like a newborn calf:
}  The Oracle hath his will.
}
} "The van was gassed, the 'fridge was packed,
}  Merrily did we drive
} Onto the street, and o'er the bridge,
}  and up I-65.
}
} And now the storm-blast came, and he
}  Was tyrannous and strong:
} The plugs were wet, the clutch did slip,
}  In short--something was wrong.
}
} The nearest exit we did take,
}  The tailpipe billowed smoke,
} With leaden hearts we took a poll:
}  Each one of us was broke.
}
} At length did cross a Woodchuck:
}  Along the road it moved;
} And for a time, with healthy whine,
}  The engine did run smooth.
}
} "God save thee, ancient Oracle!
}  From fiends that cause ill will!--
} Why look'st in trouble, you?"--"With my VW
}  The Woodchuck was roadkill.
}
} Oh I had done a hellish thing,
}  And it would work 'em woe:
} For all were bitter, I had killed the critter
}  That made the motor go.
}
} A "Quickie-Mart" did then appear,
}  But our pockets they were hollow;
} As empty as a our mouths did taste:
}  We had no beer to swallow.
}
} Lager, lager, everywhere,
}  Our eyes began to bug.
} Lager, lager, everywhere,
}  Nor any drop to chug.
}
} My travelmates did scorn me,
}  I was a nervous wreck.
} They scraped the Woodchuck off the grill,
}  and hung it 'round my neck.
}
} For hours, guilt and hellish stench
}  Did assail me from all sides,
} Till at long last, the miles passed,
}  And soon so did our ride.
}
} But I did not arrive unmark'd,
}  Pocks and wrinkles I acquired,
} As if a sentence for my crimes;
}  My eyes were dull and tired.
}
} And so I stayed in Bloomington,
}  Where I gained my omniscience--
} The knowing of every atom's goings,
}  All under one condition:
}
} That I do guard this terminal,
}  And answer every query,
} Although the e-mail never slows,
}  And though I may be weary.
}
} And all the time my countenance,
}  So hideous and creased,
} Shall mark the grey and dreary day
}  I killed that loathsome beast."


913-02    (19wzy dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: noe@lccsd.sd.platsol.com (Dr. Noe)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who could make *every* answer appear in the
> Oracularities, but apparently doesn't want to, please tell me...
>
> At the top of every Oracularity is a spiel about how to score the
> Oracularities.  Quite apart from the fact that mere mortals are
> actually *rating* your answers, what the heck does the first
> line *mean*?
>
> 906 106 vote 9jwzb 4eADd 5lAue axsob LBf70 2jnBp 4xDka azCh6 ckysc 4ovkr
> 906 3.0 mean  3.2   3.4   3.3   2.9   1.8   3.6   3.0   2.8   3.1   3.4
>
> At a wild guess the second is the average for each oracularity, but
> the first line is just line noise to me.  What does it all *mean*?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's the special "Oraclespeke" that the priests have to use to
} communicate with me.  (Why?  Because I can, that's why.)  Here's what
} they were trying to tell me this week:
}
} 9jwzb...9 jerks were zotted, boss.  [The priests have some authority to
}         zot people without having to get me involved.]
} 4eADd...4 e-mail addresses were added to the spam filter.
} 5lAue...The 5th line in this oracularity contained an unusual epithet.
} axsob...Please terminate the employment of a certain crying person.
}         [Or maybe this priest meant the other meaning of "sob."]
} LBf70...Los Angeles beat Florida 7-0.  [I have one priest assigned to
}         send me baseball scores.]
} 2jnBp...June 2nd is before Passover?
} 4xDka...This is the 4th time this supplicant has used "deka" instead of
}         "deci."
} azCh6...There's an attractive anchorwoman on Channel 6 in Arizona, so
}         swing the satellite dish in that direction.
} ckysc...Check your stun control.  [The zot staff has been acting up
}         again.]
} 4ovkr...I have 4's over kings, right?  [I've been teaching this priest
}         how to play draw poker.]
}
} By the way, your "wild guess" is incorrect...the numbers are an
} indication of how much of a priority I put on each one of these
} messages, with the lower numbers being a higher priority.  For example,
} I gave "LBf70" a high priority because I need to call my bookie about a
} few things; I gave "2jnBp" a low priority because the priest asked a
} stupid question which could have easily been cleared up by using a
} calendar.
}
} You owe the Oracle a translation of "A Tale of Two Cities" into
} Oraclespeke.  (I'll even get you started:  "8wBst, 8wWrs....")


913-03    (59yBq dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please wise oracle, answer my meaningless question:
> who is doctoring the tardis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And thus spake the Oracle:
}            Correct. Who is doctoring the Tardis. It's his job.
}
} [Supplicant] Who's job?
} [Oracle] Exactly!
} [Supplicant] Exactly?
} [Oracle] No, who! Exactly is a mechanic that works on the Tardis
}   occasionally, but Who is the one who takes care of it full time.
} [Supplicant] Who takes care of it full time?
} [Oracle] Exactly!
} [Supplicant] But I thought you said he was only a mechanic.
} [Oracle] No. He is a dentist. Who is a doctor. And the mechanic is
}   Exactly.
} [Supplicant] Exactly who?
} [Oracle] No, they are two different people. I suppose if they got
}   married...
} [Supplicant] Who got married to who?
} [Oracle] No, who can't marry himself.
} [Supplicant] Himself? Isn't he your insurance salesmen?
} [Oracle] NO! He is a dentist. Himself is the insurance salesmen.
} [Supplicant] That's not very good English!
} [Oracle] I said it perfectly!
} [Supplicant] No, you said himself is the salesmen instead of he is the
}   salesmen.
} [Oracle] But HE is a dentist.
} [Supplicant] Just stop. You obviously are so confused you cannot tell
}   your left from your right.
} [Oracle] Left is a direction. Right is the opposite of wrong.
} [Supplicant] You really need help.
} [Oracle] Help? He's a psychologist.
} [Supplicant] I though HE was a dentist.
} [Oracle] Well, yes, but help is a psychologist.
} [Supplicant] Again with the bad English. Just end it.
} [Oracle] Exactly!
} [Supplicant] Isn't he a mechanic?


913-04    (9jzwg dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does 2+2=5?  I'm close to finishing an M. Sc. in Mathematics, and
> I still haven't figured it out!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Permit me to suggest that your manifest talent is wasted in a field as
} restrictive and dogmatic as math when you have the makings of a top
} management guru. Your main difficulty is to make the transition
} between two such different fields. Fortunately, there is a discipline
} (sic) available in all self-respecting modern universtities which not
} only overlaps both Math and Management, but has the advantage that
} success in it requires neither the personal contacts of the first nor
} the rigor of the second. I refer, of course, to economics.
}
} Your first step is to enroll yourself to the Economics faculty. This
} needs some care; you won't have any trouble from the lecturers and
} professors - no-one working in a field which invented "seasonal
} adjustments" and "invisible imports" is going to blink at the sudden
} appearance of a new masters candidate - but the administrators are
} another matter. Best do it out of normal hours; Feynman has some
} useful hints.
}
} Now, your economics thesis. Your incomplete math one will serve nicely
} as a start, but you'll have to do something about those equations.
} It's not that they're wrong (they are but don't worry about that just
} now), it's just that there are too many of them. Economists don't like
} equations, they prefer human interest stories, though naturally they
} don't call them anything so understandable. You're a little short of
} time for a full-scale investigation, but fortunately a "small-scale
} survey" supplemented by "anecdotal evidence" will do just as well.
} Intersperse these with the more impressive of the equations from your
} math thesis, and include it, unedited, as an appendix. Make sure you
} identify it as "work in progress" (in small print) to explain its
} incompleteness to anyone who notices. Finally, you need a better title
} that intrigues without actually being innaccurate, something like
} "2+2=5? Possible effects of a new paradigm in an academic
} environment."
}
} The audacity of your central premise will guarantee success -
} economists are fashion junkies, sorry, they "place a high marginal
} value on novelty", and you'll be asked to join the faculty. Agree, but
} but *only on a part-time basis*, because you will need time to oversee
} your new economics/management consultancy company (which will
} conversely, of course, gain credibility from your position on the
} economics faculty). You will have little difficulty acquiring and
} satisfying clients - business is always on the lookout for someone
} with an air of authority and independence to reassure them that what
} they've already decided is the Right Way, and the management
} consultancy industry exists to service this need.
}
} Only one thing is now needed to achive guru-hood in your new
} profession: the best-selling book. Dust down that old thesis again,
} and rewrite it in a popular style. It's not difficult; cut out all the
} remaining equations, add the amusing tales you've heard when
} consulting (the corporations can't be identified, of course, but your
} author profile will mention who you've been "advising", and everyone
} will have fun trying to match the stories to the companies), simplify
} and exagerate the human interest, *make it sound as if it's something
} the person in the office cube needs to know*. Most important, give it
} a snappy title covering contemporary concerns, eg, "2+2=5! How to
} Succeed in the New Millenium!"
}
} From now on, your main concern will be which requests and offers to
} turn down. Lecture tours are OK, honorary professorships do no harm
} but visiting ones, being paid, are better. You don't advise
} corporations any longer, but you may be prepared to consider leading
} seminars for their top management. Instant opinions for the media: CNN
} is OK, Playboy Channel isn't (sorry about that). You can afford to be
} consulted by a few presidents and prime ministers - think of it as a
} loss leader.
}
} Whatever you do, don't allow yourself to become involved with the
} World Bank or even worse with the Federal Reserve Board. No-one likes
} accountants.
}
} You owe the Oracle 20% of the gross as creative consultant, and
} another 20% as agent, let me see, by your reckoning that makes 50%.


913-05    (byGg8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise one, who's wonderous thought process I cannot compete with
> by any means.
>
> It's the end of the year, and though I really like my spanish teacher
> cause she has taught us so much, and she is kind at heart and cares for
> the students, she is such a crab!!!  How can I get her to crack a smile
> and appreciate my thanks before the school year ends on Wednesday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sidle up to her and, when she's least expecting it:
}
} 1) Whack the bejeezus out of her with a pinata stick;
} 2) Ask, "Quanto costa por indecencia con un burro?";
} 3) Put a red blanket over her head and jab spears into her;
} 4) Enrage her and force her to chase you and 100 friends
}    through the streets of Pamplona;
} 5) Paella Diving.
}
} I'm sorry, I've had a downer on the Spanish since that nasty
} business with Torquemada. Something about "Soothsaying" or
} some such. Most unpleasant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a holiday in Portugal.


913-06    (zxqc5 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pray oh knowledgeable one what is the answer to this?
>
> Lou Reid has a song Perfect Day,
> What Album's is it on and what TV/film soundtrack uses it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Never heard of Lou Reid.
}       But Lou Reed's "Perfect Day" was in Trainspotting.
}       The soundtrack album of the same name has said tune on it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise that you'll have the neighbor kid show
} you how to do a web search.


913-07    (3fvHj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is my horoscope today and why should I care?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WHAT'S IN STORE for June 16, 1997
}
} ON THIS DAY:
} * BORN: Stan Laurel, comedian (1895)
} * HISTORY: Ford Motors incorporated (1903)
} * ORACLE: First woodchuck question received (1911)
} * BORN: Joyce Carol Oates, novelist (1938)
} * BORN: Patrict Stuart (no, the other one) (1968)
} * SPORTS: Chicago Bulls win fourth NBA championship (1996)
}
} YOUR HOROSCOPE:
} ARIES: The biological warfare lab secretly located in your city
} explodes in mid-afternoon, exposing thousands to
} genetically-engineered ebola virus.  New opportunities may come from
} an unexpected source.
}
} TAURUS:  That coworker you always had your suspicions about goes
} postal and takes out five of your friends before you heroically
} wrestle him to the ground.  Good thing you're wearing your Kevlar!
} Green is your lucky color today.
}
} GEMINI:  Thanks to your early-morning decision to fly to Mexico,
} Kenneth Starr finds your house empty when he comes by with a subpoena
} for Whitewater.  Romantic life causes you difficulties but keep an
} open mind.
}
} CANCER:  2.  8.  11.  16.  25.  32.
}
} LEO:  You are the one millionth customer.  Sure, it's only K-Mart
} crap, but $2,000 of free merchandise is $2,000 of free merchandise.
} Envy of other horoscopes is in the cards.
}
} VIRGO:  You talk to that girl at the party.  By this time tomorrow,
} your sign is happily ironic.  You will face problems with coworkers.
}
} LIBRA:  The first bungee cord you try will be defective and snap,
} causing you to plummet 300 feet to a splattery death on the concrete.
} A family member offers unexpected insights.
}
} SCORPIO:  The cyborgs eat your brain and everyone else's on the
} Skynet development team.  Don't worry about what you can't control.
}
} SAGITTARIUS:  You will find that selling your soul to the devil does
} not provide a good return on investment, and burn in hell (starting
} around six o'clock tomorrow evening) forevermore.  A friend asks for
} heartfelt advice.
}
} CAPRICORN:  She may be lovely, but her name is AIDS Mary.  Food
} provides a distraction from boredom.
}
} AQUARIUS:  Large, soft-spoken gentlemen of Italian extraction remind
} you that your gambling debts are past due.  Your doctors inform you
} that you will never regain full use of that knee. Your dedication to
} your work yields rewards.
}
} PISCES:  It may  look like a mosquito, but it is really an
} ambassador from an advanced space-faring race.  If you swat it,
} you will be declaring interstellar war.  You are in a creative mood.
} ....
}
} But hey, I don't care, so why should you?
}
} You owe the Oracle dirt from Jeanne Dixon's grave.


913-08    (9wyqa dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was wondering if you know why there seems to be only a few stars
> that we can see, when we know that there are trillions of stars out
> there in space and millions more being created.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One word: ratings.


913-09    (6yDma dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: noe@lccsd.sd.platsol.com (Dr. Noe)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, how many uses can you think of for an old cookie sheet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "987 Things to Do With An Old Cookie Sheet" by The Oracle.
} New York: Forward Movement Press, 1997. ISBN 0-1-488901-X
} 390 p.  $21.95
}
} Reviewed by Morris Markham
}
} The Oracle is back with another volume in his "Things to Do" series of
} books (see reviews of "102 Things to Do With A Staff of Zot" and "1039
} Things to Do With Supplicants Who Don't Grovel Properly" in previous
} issues). And, once again, he's in fine form.
}
} Most of his suggestions are what you might expect -- using old cookie
} sheets to hold flowerpots so any run-over won't stain the good table --
} but some are unusual and intriguing. Who would have thought of using
} them as a bullet-proof vest liner? Or using tin snips to cut out a
} Frisbee (TM) for some exciting Saturday-afternoon fun?
}
} There are even a few uses I don't quite understand. For example, #199
} reads, "Heat up the cookie sheet by placing it on two bunsen burners.
} Allow the sheet to reach at least 500 degrees. Working quickly and
} carefully (wear asbestos gloves!) place some fresh grass, carrots and
} celery stalks on the sheet. Move the cookie sheet to the entrance to a
} local woodchuck burrow. Stand back and watch the fun!"
}
} But the most wonderful, delightful and funny of all the suggestions
} is... Well, you'll just have to buy the book to find out.
}
} You owe the Oracle $21.95 (plus shipping and handling).


913-10    (tGmd5 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie! How's it going?
>
> My email at this new place doesn't seem to be working.
> I don't think I'll get your reply, so I'll have to read it in
> the Digest.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no you don't!  Trying to tear down the fourth wall AGAIN, eh?
} Well, it's gotten pretty drafty in here, and I'm sick of it.  I've had
} people in here all week trying to fix the fourth wall, and there you
} go trying to break it again.  Well, I've had enough, and you're not
} leaving here until you've fixed the thing. Here's some spackle.
}
} And you can just stay here and KEEP fixing it until you think of a
} decent question.


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