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Internet Oracularities #914

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914, 914-01, 914-02, 914-03, 914-04, 914-05, 914-06, 914-07, 914-08, 914-09, 914-10


Internet Oracularities #914    (106 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 22 Jun 1997 08:50:42 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   914
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

914  106 votes 7otAa 5mHnd 4aFyh pfyie 3csKh dyAf8 jsvia 8jtyg swqb9 8ewwk
914   3.1 mean  3.2   3.2   3.5   2.8   3.6   2.7   2.7   3.3   2.4   3.4


914-01    (7otAa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oh Oracle, who must know just about everything past, present *and*
>      future, tell me this:
>
>      I want money, lots of money ... how can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MAKE MONEY FAST!
} WORK FROM HOME!!
} BE YOUR OWN BOSS!!!
}
} Make money from home by dropping the endings of sentences, as this
} supplicant has done.
}
} He turned:
} >      I want money, lots of money ... how can I do it?
}
} into:
} >      I want money, lots of money ... how can I do?
}
} In so doing, he saved himself 10c off his Internet bill (25c for
} AOL users)!  He can then go to a word-meet, and swap the word with
} other entrepeneurs, eventually being able to create whole sentences
} from the offcuts of other people's email.
}
} So, not only do you save money by not typing the word, but you also
} make money selling it to others.  The clever people amongst you now
} realise that to really win at this, treat it like a game of scrabble -
} try to end sentences with expensive words, and them drop them.
}
} Bill Lucas, 25, has retired after using this method for the last four
} years - he started out dropping the words off the end but he eventually
} escalated to not writing any email at all.  With the money he saved
} off his Internet bill, and the money he made from selling the words
} on the literary market he is now a multi millionaire.
}
} You too can follow his example, and comfortably retire in just a few
} short years!
}
} You owe the Oracle.


914-02    (5mHnd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: noe@lccsd.sd.platsol.com (Dr. Noe)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I put this on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Put the device on a glass topped table.  Now, connect flap A to tab B
} after making certain the flange on the outside of the lid makes
} contact with the staple indentation on side 3.  Now apply the glue and
} press firmly, holding for a minimum of 30 seconds.  At this point, if
} you have not glued your hands to the outer casing raise the top of the
} casing with your left hand.  As you lift, look for a red and a green
} wire.  When you can get the wire cutters under the top of the casing
} and the wires are visible, stop.  The timer should cease at this
} point.  You have exactly thirteen seconds to cut the wire leading from
} the positive terminal.  Don't cut the wrong wire!  Once this is done,
} take the metronome and set it to 67 beats per minute.  In time with
} the metronome, turn the combination dial to the serial number listed
} on the bottom of the device, but DO NOT TURN THE DEVICE OVER.  That's
} why you have to use a glass table.  Once the combination is entered,
} put your left thigh on the edge of the swivel table taking care not to
} knock off the melon.  Put both elbows in the supplied sockets inside
} the casing, turning the device over and above your head in one swift
} motion.  Now simply extend your arms inside the box through the holes
} in the bottom (the plastic wrap should break when you do this) and
} extend.  Presto!  It's on.
}
} You owe the Oracle one case of Oreo(tm) cookies (if you survive).
}
} To get it off, send the Oracle $2 million in unmarked bills, postage
} prepaid, and I will answer.  No dough, no answer.  Capisce?


914-03    (4aFyh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> What is the future of the Internet in UK Secondary schools?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm. Interesting questions. Let me look into the future...
}
} 1998: Prime Minister Blair, following the lead of U.S. President
} Clinton, decides to wire all U.K. schools for the Internet.
}
} January, 1999: A "B1FF" virus from the United States infects U.K.
} schools, causing British schoolchildren to begin writing in alternating
} upper- and lower-case letters ("sHaK3Sp3r3 RuLz!"). The European
} Community, alarmed that the infection (dubbed "Mad Spam Disease" in The
} News of the World) will spread to the rest of the EEC, cuts all
} communication lines between the U.K. and Europe.
}
} May, 1999: Mad Spam Disease spreads throughout the Commonwealth.
} Children in New Zealand and Tasmania are particularly hard-hit. The
} United Nations threatens economic sanctions against the U.K. unless all
} schools are immediately disconnected. Prime Minister Dennis Thatcher
} threatens retaliation.
}
} July 1999: U.K. sends fleet to South Georgia and the South Orkenys to
} put down B1FF riots. On their way back to Britain, they stop to bomb
} Argentina just on general principle.
}
} October 1999: Dennis Rodman is finally hunted down and stoned to death
} by an infuriated crowd of basketball team owners.
}
} December 1999: U.N. Peacekeeping forces, comprised of units of the
} Bosnian National Defense Force, the 112th Azarbajaini Coastal Defense
} Brigade and the Northern Michigan Militia fight their way up the Kent
} coast towards London.
}
} January 1, 2000: All computers in the world lock up, due to the '00
} Effect.
}
} January 2, 2000: MS/U.S. President Bill Gates offers "foreign aid" to
} all countries affected by the '00 Effect in the form of free copies of
} "Windows 2000". In return, he requires that all schoolchildren
} throughout the world have bar-codes tattoed onto their left forearms
} and that they immediately become citizens of the People's Republic of
} MS/Seattle.
}         In MS/New York, the MS/UN offers its support of President
} Gates' aid package.
}
} Doesn't look good, does it?
}
} You owe the schools of the U.K. sets of flashcards, some good textbooks
} and enough pencil and paper to do their homework.


914-04    (pfyie dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> askme please!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} tellme why?


914-05    (3csKh dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Dear Oracle--
>
>      Yesterday my mom told me to reformat my room and I did and while I
>      was doing it, I deleted my little sister by accident.  My undelete
>      utility gave me an error message because one of its files was
>      corrupted.  Now what do I do?  Please help me, Mr. Oracle, or I'm
>      going to be in big trouble when my dad gets home.
>
>      --Billy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Billy, I'm very disappointed in you. I've told you before, *always*
} make sure tht you have a full back-up before you reformat. And *of
} course* one of the files was corrupted -- remember when you convinced
} your sister to swipe that candy bar from the 7-11 a couple of months
} ago? Well, then.
}
} You could just tell your parents and have them re-install your sister,
} but (1) that will take some time and (2) there will be a lot of lost
} data (about 6 years' worth, as I recall). Of course, that would mean
} admitting to your parents that you deleted your sister.
}
} Fortunately, there is a solution. Your room has an older backup
} program, but you can use the "restore" command to format into the
} proper version of your room's operating system. Find the disk marked
} "Sister 2.0", insert it into the a: drive and type:
}
}         restore a:\*.* /s
}
} Be sure and use the lower-case /s because it was your little sister. If
} it had been your older sister, you would use /S
}
} Since it's an older backup, you'll lose about five month's worth of
} data, which means that your restored sister won't know her addition
} tables that she learned in April and May in school. Big deal. She would
} have forgotten them by the end of summer anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle a back-up copy of Liv Lindeland.


914-06    (dyAf8 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise And Gracious Oracle
> We Know You're No Witch
> So, Please Can You Tell Me
> Why Life Is A Bitch..
>
> Why Not A Sod Or An Arse?
>
> Three Hundred Expletives Are Yours For
> The Taking Master...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have an itch, for the pitch,
} by men and women alike,
} Who say that life's a bitch
} and then preach on family life.
}
} The latest that has come to light,
} Is the Baptists vs. Disney fight.
} They thump their bibles, and raise their hands;
} Then speak in tongues, and shout demands.
}
} Mickey must be a rat they say,
} Because Ellen turned out gay.
} Mickey and Minnie they say are swell,
} But Goofy with Mickey shouldn't dwell.
}
} Suplicant to my word give heed,
} Enjoy your life in word and deed.
} Life isn't more of a bitch today
} Than it was on yesterday.
}
} My advice, which you may scorn,
} Is to consider this bit of wit:
} Life is like licking honey off a thorn
} and laughing at the sticky bits.
}
} You owe the Oracle, a smile.  :)


914-07    (jsvia dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and wonderful Oracle, who dwells at the end of the yellow brick
> road, tell me this:
>
> How do you solve the ADVENT text adventure?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You get to the 25th day, and then Santa comes and gives all the kids
} presents!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Red Tricycle, because he has been a good boy
} this year.


914-08    (8jtyg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel*
> *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel*
> *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel*
> *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel*
> *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel*
> *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel*
> *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel*
> *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel*       *question*
> *question*
>  *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*
> *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*
> *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*
> *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*
> *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*
> *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*  *question*
> *question*  *question* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion*
> *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion*
> *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion*
> *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion*
> *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion*
> *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion*
> *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion*
> *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oraclular question statistics generator beta v1.0
}
} 0x3d "grovels"
} 0x28 "questions"
} 0x26 "conclusions"
}
} Grovel / Question ratio: 1.525 (passes auto*ZOT* filter)
} **Warning - Error code 37:  More questions than conclusions.
} **                        02 excess questions, 2 conclusions needed.
}
} **Error - Error code 13: 00 viable questions found.
} **Analysis terminated at 14:37:03 Fri June 20, 1997
}
} Autogenerate reply? (Y/N/ZOT) Z^M
}
} *ZOT*
}
} You owe the ora**Error - Error code 0: supplicant not found.


914-09    (swqb9 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Lucifer

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I know him.  Tell him I said hi... *ZOT*
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of Dante's 'Inferno'.


914-10    (8ewwk dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I wire up a lead to connect 2 computers by their parallel prots?
>       --J

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi J!  Glad to see you got the tachyon multiplexor fixed on that
} theta-band phase space generator...  Those things are, like, LETHAL if
} you wire them up backwards.  Actually, I wasn't sure if the red plasma
} conduit or the blue plasma conduit went to the green duct when I
} answered, but since you're still here, evidently I guessed right.
}
} Anyway, here's my easy 10-step guide to parallel prot connections:
}
} 1. Make sure the two prots are EXACTLY parallel to each other.  Use
}    your laser collimator's highest setting for this.
}
} 2. "Iron" spacetime between the prots with a Hawking-class baby
}    blackhole. The objective is to get rid of any wrinkles which might
}    affect the parallelity.
}
} 3. Look up "parallelity" in the dictionary, to make sure it isn't
}    misspelled.
}
} 4. Solve the misspelled/mispelled spelling controversy once and for
}    all.
}
} 5. Make sure you are properly grounded.
}
} 6. Don't be such an idiot -- you don't have to route the wire all the
}    way to Terra (17 megaparsecs away), just to the nearest gamma-class
}    planet.
}
} 7. WATCH OUT!! No, not there, to your left! Cylons Attacking!!!
}    SCRAMBLE ALL SHIPS AND REPEL INVADERS!
}
} 8. Steal an X-Wing from the main hangar bay (distract the guards by
}    throwing a small pebble while hiding behind a barrel.  When the
}    first goes to check, cut open the other guard's throat -- this is
}    no time to get squeamish -- then hide the body and wear her armour
}    and the face-concealing helmet.  This will let you get close enough
}    to the other guard to dump him into the antimatter fuel dispenser.
}
} 9. No, I have no idea where you can get that pebble from while on a
}    starship.  Use your initiative, OK?
}
} 10. Fly the X-Wing to the closest Imperial Supply Depot.  Go into the
}    computer shop and ask for a "ECP/modified Centronix (tm) PLIP [PPP
}    variant] compatible bi-directional native client/server host--host
}    parallel connecting device for hispeed prots".
}
} You owe the Oracle a serial prot.


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