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Internet Oracularities #915

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915, 915-01, 915-02, 915-03, 915-04, 915-05, 915-06, 915-07, 915-08, 915-09, 915-10


Internet Oracularities #915    (121 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 26 Jun 1997 10:03:00 -0500 (EST)

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915  121 votes hsoxj 6wHv9 etoyk cDzpa ckGvg 7qOlh gAyob 5jHuo 5jHBh crwtl
915   3.1 mean  3.1   3.0   3.1   2.9   3.2   3.1   2.8   3.4   3.3   3.2


915-01    (hsoxj dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, to whom no one can deny. To the great and omnipotent
> one. To the one necessary being that Anselm spoke of, I direct this
> question.
>
> Is Riothamus Arthur?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unlikely, though I suppose the chronology would just about allow
} it. Riothamus was a leader of the Britons escaping from the Saxon
} revolt in England and settling in northern Gaul around 458 AD.
} The only historical record we have are the letters sent to him by
} Bishop Sidonius of Clermont-Ferrand in 460. Riothamus is remembered
} in the legends of Brittany along with Gradlon and other leaders of
} the mid-fifth century.
}
} *yawn*
}
} Oh, excuse me, supplicant. I've been up all night clearing the
} backlog in the questions queue and, frankly, I'm knackered.
} Exhaustion seems to bring out the pedant in me.
}
} Where was I? Oh, yes. It is generally agreed that Arthur was the
} victor at the Battle of Badon Hill, which Gildas asserts took
} place 43 years before he wrote his chronicle, say around 495.
} The Cambrian annals put the death of Arthur... mmmm, this is so
} soporifically boring... er, put the death of Arthur 21 years
} after Badon Hill, say, at a conservative estimate, 515. Now
} if *yawn*... mmm... say, if Riothamus was about 20 at the time
} of the emigration, then... then... zzz... he would have been, if
} he was... zzz... Arthur, he would have been... zzz... zzzzzz...
}
} zzzzzzzzzzzz...
}
} Arthur: Whom dost fancy for the 3:30?
} Oracle: Zzzzz... *snuffle*... What? Eh, eh, what?
} Arthur: Awaken, Merlin, thou dozy old beggar.
} Oracle: I wasn't asleep! I was momentarily distracted. Sorry - you
}       were saying, Sire?
} Arthur: The 3:30. Prithee, on whom wouldst have me place my bet?
} Oracle: Oh, ah, Lancelot, every time.
} Arthur: Sir Launcelot du Lac is gone from our midst, is he not?
}       Longtime hath he been ensnared by the wiles of the Fair
}       Maid of Astolat withal.
} Oracle: Oh yeah, I forgot. Er, I meant Galahad.
} Arthur: Gramercy, Merlin! Sir Galahad the Pure hath not been spied
}       in the kingdom sithen he departed on the Quest for the Holy
}       Grail, everybody knoweth that! Fie, man, what ails thee?
}       Meseemeth ye are getting senile! Is't time I took unto my
}       employ a new magician?
} Oracle: No, no, Arty! I'm onto it, no sweat! Erm, what's the form?
} Arthur: Sir Gawain 5:2, Sir Perceval 4:1, Sir Breunis Saunce Pitie
}       16:1, Sir Hontzlake de Wendtland 33:1...
} Oracle: Riothamus!
} Arthur: What sayest thou?
} Oracle: Put the lot on Riothamus!
} Arthur: There is listed no knight of that name .
} Oracle: There isn't?
} Arthur: I'faith not. There is a Sir Roger the Ridiculous at 200:1.
}       Mayhap this is he whom you mean?
} Oracle: Er... yeah. Probably.
} Arthur: This is no cozenage? Thou art sure?
} Oracle: Yeah, absolutely. It's a cert. Go ahead, Arty - you'll
}       make a packet.
} Arthur: Very well. Sir Tote! Five thousand ducats on Sir Roger
}       the Ridiculous!
} Bookie: If thou sayest so, Your Majesty, but thou'lt lose thy
}       doublet.
}
} *yawn*
}
} You owe the Oracle... mmm... You owe the Oracle a... zzzzz...
} zzzzzzzzzzzzz


915-02    (6wHv9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the moon changing its shape all the time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The moon is in the federal witness relocation program.  It has to keep
} changing so that the bad people who are after it won't catch on.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lunar eclipse.


915-03    (etoyk dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you make a woodchuck float?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Take your foot off it's head.


915-04    (cDzpa dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most lexicographically aware,
> Is "non-autonymic" an autonym?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, one of those smartarse questions from a language student. Where's
} that staff...wait a minute, perhaps there's a hidden meaning. I'll
} just reverse the letters...
}
}  ?mynotua ne "cimynotua-non sI
}
} Of course, Spanish. Missed the last character and a few spaces but I'm
} in a forgiving mood right now. OK, for all you non-Spanish speakers
} out there, the question reads:
}
}  My notua, no see my notua, yes?
}
} A literal interpretation, I think you'll agree, but the meaning is
} clear and as you are probably aware, notua is the indentation made in
} paella after the chicken drumstick is transfered to the diners plate.
}
} The answer, mi amigo, is you cannot see your notua because the hombre
} to your right filled it in when he stole your drumstick. He hid it
} under his sombrero and thinks you are stupid for not noticing. I
} suggest that you retreive it and insert it in his [DELETED].
}
} You owe the Oracle the recipe for [DELETED] and a green card.


915-05    (ckGvg dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, WILL I GET PROMOTED

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not with the lame kissing up technique you got going there.  You should
} know by now that the currency of the business world is FLATTERY of the
} most blatant, shameless sort and plenty of it.
}
} Now let's look at what you're doing wrong.  "Oracle most wise"--well,
} that goes without saying--any nit could come up with that one.  To
} really grease the tracks of a flagging career, you've got to venture
} into the dark regions of conscienceless hyperbole.  Much as I hate to do
} it, I've got to hand this one over now to the real god of ass kissing.
}
} [CALLS] Zadoc! Hoi, ZADOC!
}
} [ZADOC SHUFFLES OUT OF THE CLOSET, CRINGING, ON KNEES]
}
} ZADOC:  You called, Your Hyperhandsomeness?
}
} ORACLE: (ASIDE TO SUPPLICANT] See what I mean?
}
} [TO ZADOC]:  Yeah, Zadoc, I was just telling this supplicant that the
} way to get promoted is to hit the turbo switch on the sucking up, and I
} wanted you to demonstrate your technique.
}
} [ZADOC]: Of course, Ye Whose Every Ventilation is Like a Gentle Breeze
} from a Springtime Garden, Whose Stomach Grumblings Are a Symphony, Whose
} Nostril Hair Has More Body Than Anna Nicole Smith...um, did you say,
} "the way to get promoted"?
}
} ORACLE:  Yeah, yeah, you're doing great, keep going.
}
} ZADOC:  But Master, I've slobbered over you like an infant for eons, and
} I've never been promoted!
}
} ORACLE:  Yeah, well, thanks, Zadoc.  You can go now.
}
} ZADOC:  I didn't even know I COULD be promoted--you mean there's more to
} life than huddling in the closet and washing your underwear?  What's
} next for me?  Scrubbing your loo?  Giving you a pedicure?  I'M READY TO
} MOVE UP.....!
}
} [ORRIE SHOVES ZADOC BACK IN THE CLOSET AND TURNS THE KEY]
}
} ORACLE:  Well, supplicant, you get the idea.  Now get out there and
} brown-nose!
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of all the Dilbert cartoons taped to the walls
} of your cubicle.


915-06    (7qOlh dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most beloved of the really smart guys, please tell me...
>
> I've awakened alive everyday for the last twenty seven years.  I have
> never been dead for that time.  Wouldn't logic indicate that after 9,954
> consecutive mornings where I'm not dead, I should never die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SEEKER OF WISDOM ALSO SEEKS LIFE
}
} After nearly 10,000 consecutive days of not being dead, an anonymous
} seeker of wisdom ran out of luck.  Earlier this week he realized
} that in asking the question of the allmighty Oracle he has confirmed
} that he does not have a life at all.  His reaction was an obscure
} suicide note with the words "facinating proof" scrawled in the margin.
} All that remained of the body was a bit of ash where the victim had
} reportedly disappeared in a puff of logic.
}
} "He thought he had it all," the friend of the victim said, "he had
} a great run going, and felt that he was immortal because, after all,
} he hadn't died yet."


915-07    (gAyob dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't I have a shadow?
>                     -The Count

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've got Tracy hot on the trail of the Pruneface, Batman's got
} the Joker cornered up at the bus station, Mark Trail has a
} dangerous poacher in his sights, and Nancy is about to lower
} the boom on Sluggo.
}
} Now the Count feels left out, and wants a gumshoe on him too.
} Isn't that special?
}
} All I've got left is Inspector Clouseau, and he's stone drunk.
} This better be good.
}
} You owe the Oracle some suspicious behavior.


915-08    (5jHuo dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh hot 'n' hairy Oracle, whose toenail clippings are worshipped as
> holy relics in 43 minor religions, pray tell me:
>
> I am an the verge of turning into reality an email relationship
> with girl of the female variety. She has invited me to view her art
> exhibition and meet her, and I shall travel south to peer, leer and
> hopefully shag her senseless in the next couple of days. Her emails
> are horrendously funny and paint a picture of a warm and wonderful
> hooming bean.
>
> There is one thing bothering me though. She is creative and Romantic
> where I am analytical and cerebral. Her emails are peppered with
> spelling mistakes (many intentional) and grammatical errors. Even a
> boring old pendant such as I can overlook such transgressions, save
> in one instance.
>
> And so finally to my question: can I *really* trust the sanity and
> emotional stability of someone who uses more than one question mark
> per sentence - ie. like this: ???? - ? I fear that this seemingly
> innocuous quirk of personal puntuation use may be a pointer to serious
> inner turmoil and insecurity. Any advice oh great one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} News bulletin: the toenail index is up to 45 -- we last week we got
} a clipping request from a small sect of Zoroastrian fundamentalists
} (in Des Moines, of all places!), and yesterday we signed a deal to
} ship some to the tail of Hale-Bopp (that wacky Marshall!)
}
} But I digress....
}
} Your query concerns me. You describe yourself as a boring old pendant;
} I'm glad you've come to me  for advice before hanging yourself around
} the neck of some anonymous e-babe.
}
} Let me make some salient observations ...
}
} 1. Grammatical errors and misspellings are often perceived
} as "cutesy" by libidinous males (Kinsey, M.& J., etc.)
} This fact has been discussed ad nauseum on several newsgroups
} (rec.desperate.women.trolling.for.husbands ,  sci.mate.catching,
} comp.email.tricks.to.fool.horny.geeks), all of which recommend saying
} things like: "Omigod! You luv sushi TOO???"  SUSPICIOUS!
}
} 2. The popular sexual mythology is replete with legends of sirens
} capturing the hearts of "analytical and cerebral" men by being
} "creative and Romantic".  Whether the legends are true or not,
} the fact that she goes out of her way to APPEAR as such should be
} indication that SHE believes them! Art exhibition, indeed!
}
} 3. You are correct to be frightened by the prospect of "shagging
} senseless" someone who overindulges in the application of question
} marks. According to current Freudian theory, the ability of the
} superego to restrain the subconscious in cyberspace varies from
} person to person. In some cases, the id is able to run rampant,
} explaining the profusion of "B1FFz" across the net. In other cases,
} the manifestations are more subtle.
}    The "????" quirk may be innocuous, but it more likely reveals a
} deep-rooted  questioning of the writer's sexual identity. It is, of
} course, difficult to know for certain what the sexual ambiguity may
} be without extensive psychoanalysis. Based on cues from your letter
} (and my own formidable Oracular powers), I have arrived at 2 scenarios:
}
} A) She is a 47-year-old widow named Myra from Queens. Each of Myra's
} five husbands bore an uncanny resemblance to Alan Thicke (for whom
} Myra has always harbored an unhealthy obsession). Each subsequently
} died from "mysterious and unexplained circumstances" shortly after
} the honeymoon, when Myra found that her husbands weren't "Thicke"
} enough for her.
}
} B) She is a 17-year-old boy named Terry, who insists that everyone
} call him Razor.  Terry (or Razor) is a highly intelligent young
} sociopath who has derived all the gratification he can from mutilating
} chipmunks; he's seeking bigger game. After spending some time online,
} he found that the easiest way to lure some boring geek who fancies
} himself analytical and cerebral is to pose as a sexy, young "girl of
} the female variety." Dangerous dude, this Razor. Hmmmm.... I wonder
} if he's experimented with woodchucks yet.... I'll have to call him.
}
} At any rate, my advice to you would be to forget about meeting a girl
} online, and get out to the pubs and clubs, where you can at least
} SEE what you're getting. And in the meantime, seek gratification by
} perusing alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.hooming.beans .
}
} That should hold you over...
}
} You the Oracle this chick's e-mail address.


915-09    (5jHBh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How the $%^& can I remove these damned staples from my hand?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't take them out!  That's all that's holding the darned thing
} together.  Now get back in the laboratory, before the townspeople
} see you and burn us all to a crisp.
}
} You owe the Oracle the lyrics to "Putting on the Ritz."


915-10    (crwtl dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most sophisticated Oracle, so wise in the ways of... well,
> everything,
>
> Why don't slugs like margaritas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Racial memory.  They still recall that dreadful day, long ago, when
} Sidney Slug slipped on a slightly slanted slope and slid suddenly into
} a sparkling margarita.  Well, it was terrible, let me tell you.  He
} sipped a bit, and spit a bit, then down he went!  He simply sank!  But,
} even worse, a clueless klutz picked up the glass, and then he drank!
}
} Well, Sidney Slug's slithering supine body slipped swiftly down the
} surface of the glass toward the swallowing throat.  Just in time, he
} found a lime, and launched it, like you would a boat.  He grabbed the
} edge, and slithered over, fell on the floor, got sniffed by Rover, ran
} the gauntlet, lost the crowd, found a bush, and cried out loud.  He
} told the tale to all his descendants, aunts, uncles, Independents.
} They hate margaritas to this very day, so use them (with lots of salt)
} to keep slugs away.
}
} By the way, the clueless klutz (who owned a weasel) had a great-great-
} great-grandson named Theodore Geisel.
}
} You owe the Oracle a star-bellied Sneech and an appetite.


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