[IO]
Internet Oracle
20 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 11:52:26 GMT

Internet Oracularities #916

Goto:
916, 916-01, 916-02, 916-03, 916-04, 916-05, 916-06, 916-07, 916-08, 916-09, 916-10


Internet Oracularities #916    (109 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 29 Jun 1997 12:58:19 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   916
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

916  109 votes 8ACl6 5bIAd lAud9 hDvg6 7cDCd 4gFzd ixyj5 rFq96 5qssm hxrn9
916   2.9 mean  2.8   3.4   2.6   2.6   3.3   3.3   2.6   2.3   3.3   2.8


916-01    (8ACl6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O Unflutterable Oracle, who would not be afraid of the Apocalypse
>      even it did fall on a Monday morning, I have recently taken
>      on an internship in the offices of Gabriel, Archangel, Esq.
>      One of my responsibilities is organizing his daily planner, and
>      I noticed that marked on January 1, 2000, he has an appointment
>      for something called "The Great Calamity."  I was wondering if
>      you might tell me what, exactly, the "Great Calamity" is, and
>      if it's unpleasant, where I might go to avoid being a part of it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         The late Martha Jane Canary, aka Calamity, is putting on a show
}         that day at the Pearly Gates Shooting Range. No doubt Gabe is
}         referring to that. Her specialty now-a-days is shooting pins
}         off the heads of dancing angels, it is really something to see.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 10k bug swatter.


916-02    (5bIAd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and profound Oracle, who never abuses his position,
>
> As a resident of a country that is not a part of the United States
> of America (yes, there are some) I am often confused by
> references to their curious political shenanigans.
>
> In order for me to better appreciate the humour of Oracularities
> that involve American politics and politicians, can you tell me:
>
> Who is Newt Gingrich?
> Who is Rush Limbaugh?
> Who is Senator Packwood?
> Who is Janet Reno?
>
> I think I've figured out the others, but these four are still a
> mystery.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Newt Gingrich: The love child of Joan Crawford and Douglas MacArthur,
} he has risen quickly in power in the US House of Representatives. An
} Aries, he simply oozes charm wherever he goes. During the House's
} hiatus he often appears as "Clint Buckingham", the carefree bachelor
} and heir to the WD-40 lubricant empire on "The Young and the Restless".
}
} Rush Limbaugh: A widely-popular comedian, he can stretch
} ultra-conservative ideas to the limit and then say them with a nearly
} straight face. His claims that nicotine is not addictive, and that
} there are more acres of forest land in the US now than two hundred
} years ago, are considered to be classics. (My personal favorite is when
} he said that the New York Times hadn't covered the Whitewater story.
} That wacky Rush!)
}
} Senator Packwood: Once the powerful and influential and influential
} chairman of the Senate's Ways and Means Committee, he was forced to
} resign in disgrace after evidence was produced showing that he had once
} asked the Oracle the question, "How much wood would a Packwood
} pack...."
}
} Janet Reno: A technical term for a species of mold discovered in the
} condiments rack at the White House Commissary, now thought to be nearly
} extinct except for some laboratory specimens which are used in
} endocrine research.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of Tony Blair.


916-03    (lAud9 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, sir.
>
> Could you spare a few minutes for our survey?
>
> --
> Erin M. Umma (emu@univ.edu) | For Geek Code, PGP public key, and other
>                             | info, finger emu@univ.edu.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why certainly.  Let's see... "other info" -- That must be where the
} survey is.
}
} % finger emu@univ.edu
}
} [Oracle stares at results]
}
} Ah yes... here it is (cleverly disguised as a PGP key):
}
} mQCNAi4v3+UAAAEEAMhcIDoI0TCMB7pDycIOCXGfl+K5CWXt5YkAlQMFEDJ66ay3
} KAX5tRAZgRdbw51IXNzwxkWfUJUuuLRvnzXCRa7ybuqsN2Fk4FJbDXOoqlyrAbCx
} ZNpiPBuA3vI0+iOYhN5Lw7cA4n4QburNt+uieHj6Xc6zDPcoeLeirnNFYBihAAUR
} tBtBYXJvbiBNLiBVY2tvIDxhbXVAbWl0LmVkdT6JAJUDBRAye5MQFk0gijEAzQkB
} AZ27A/wN4sCancz3s8bcJdZ/WMHluxtiqyA8OmXeNWtMCgMPwfPiObzJIO5ADsqz
} WWnihEUAERjTOYO/v0L6ac4njflecZ3jA0wbmVYL6ANl1nDL3mhfnJki2jYOQ1gB
} M6aHL+laP/M6Clya4raHLpNaFAt1+d2olgM3JG1C4q6vB2ypp5ARRR5rFpwbHtCI
} oq5zRWAYoQEBEV4EAL4wmh77zqdQWmMF8noMDNl7AeZjk2XNHXJ1SbWxoQLuqarR
} PwXx4Zwks3m8NMfxLvtaMGSRJNYcj5CnKNurogVzvhYDqu1B3M+nbrJD4AoyZacj
} 7NWsI2HsYLF0MBFkPesFX9wmdHUGTR3fjPkg7XG1/Ma59qrZPlb72OMPMCr6tCdB
} YXJvbiBNLiBVY2tvIDx1Y2tvQHZheDEucm9ja2h1cnN0LmVkdT6JAJUDBRAye9rP
} t6Kuc0VgGKEBAdGaA/4wuSYWbF2Z6uQQhBttvp70N7zN7du5YFnvJeB+TgEUwNTM
} ig8KhUzqquitvXmR/DIxkYZRdR/Pscvh+EyOSZCcBeN2E3+HuLT5J3p1dYvV5Q6C
} V+2Emm3jUofDbUys6JoQgBOLW9u4Vui5U8utK0IS8VmtnHB93h95QBRK01C8jA==
} =cJYy
}
} Let's start with the first column
}
} > mKZtAWMoP7YtiV=
}
} Now, supplicant, how long has it been since TI made a decent processor?
} So, P7 definitely.  (Although, I assume you know that isn't it's actual
} name.)
}
} > QANBZW6qwNX6g+c
}
} Can busy work for 6 quarters with no customers bring in 6 billion plus
} commissions?  Um... no.  (Not unless the entity involved is omnipotent,
} of course.)
}
} > CXpt2na5XWJK82J
}
} 82 Jaguar... sure, but what's wrong with pointing to it?  So, yes, i
} suppose.
}
} > N5iB7iHzxsvuKEY
}
} Not sure about this one... I'll come back to it.
}
} > AtPYAhLR4Ibchmy
}
} Oh, I see, that last one was an encryption key for this one... OK,
} let's see...
}
} % perl -e 'print crypt("AtPYAhLR4Ibchmy", "N5iB7iHzxsv");'
} N5ee5a2DaRMww
}
} Much better... but I see it's out of order...
}
} N255MRww2Daee
}
} Yes, I'd say you need at least that much for any animated engineering
} simulation, regardless of discipline, but for more than 2 dimensions,
} you're going to need just a little bit more.
}
} > iRBX/E+WZ2i0Um
}
} Yes, if a human working with two other individuals, then they should
} certainly be able to move a roadblock acrross the street?
}
} What are these questions related to anyway? They seem a little random.
}
} > 4AuJwUlAwHBVz3
}
} Oh, they're for a small journal article about statistical mapping onto
} 3 dimensional complex space.  Oh, I see.. makes perfect sense now
}
} > vZAvNAaYksNgqj
}
} Yes, I know your survey is ruined because I know its purpose, but you
} don't have to get so upset.
}
} > 3g3b4EPosYLGqU
}
} What!!! Don't even think about pointing those triple-barrel shotguns at
} me.  Where did you get them from, anyway?  And I really am not in the
} mood to ignore that last comment.  *ZOT*
}
} > +RvisR/Q3LiKuo
}
} Certainly, it think revising your survey would be a good idea.  So my
} answer is "yes".
}
} Your semi-motile remains the oracle the results of the new survey.


916-04    (hDvg6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> US-ND-ORACLE DBA WANTED
>
> In a bind.  Need Oracle DBA yesterday. 1-2 years experience
> Will Relocate.  Will pay up to 60K plus benefits. Call today.
>
> Cachet Consulting Corporation
> Grand Forks, ND

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Where do you think this is? Delphi?
}
} You owe the Oracle 60k a day, at exponential growth.


916-05    (7cDCd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A HANDbag???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, Mrs. Alligator, I'm afraid your husband's been seeing her for
} some time now.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those really cool boats with the big
} propeller in the back.


916-06    (4gFzd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To:      Chief Priest Kinzler
> From:    Exploited Priest Dr. Noe
> Subject: Resignation
>
> Steve,
>
> I wish to tender my resignation from the service of the Oracle
> effective one month from this date.  Rather than delve into a lengthy
> explanation of my reasons, I think the following will suffice:
>
>     There was an old Priest from Nantucket
>     Who cried, "Take this job, you can suck it!
>     These queries are too terse,
>     The answers are much worse,
>     If could I, then would I, woodchuck it."
>
> Please forward this to the boss and inform me when he has accepted it.
>
> Dr. Noe

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The Oracle's own Dr. Noe
}       Was feeling his sanity go.
}           He started writing in verse
}           So we called in a nurse
}       And we had him committed, you know?
}
} You can't quit that easily, doc. You owe the Oracle a straitjacket.


916-07    (ixyj5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do Fish, Marillion & The Cure not get decent airplay on big radio
> stations ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because they forgot to grovel to the Oracle when they asked me how they
} could get to be famous bands.  It's just not worth giving the best
} answers without getting a little respect.
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of a certain song by Aretha Franklin.


916-08    (rFq96 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help!  I seem to be stuck in a rut!
> Help!  I seem to be stuck in a rut!
> Help!  I seem to be stuck in a rut!
> Help!  I seem to be stuck in a rut!
> Help!  I seem to be stuck in a rut!
> Help!  I seem to be... oops!  See what I mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are not the only one!
} You are not the only one!
} You are not the only one!
} You are not the only one!
} You are not the only one!
} You are not the only one!
} ^C
} You owe the Oracle a large stick.


916-09    (5qssm dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle most computationally feasible,
> Am I caught up in a web that you are weaving?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Message from the CS042 TAs:
}
} Thank you for submitting your answers to today's pop quiz in Computer
} Science course 042, "Internet Buzzword and Technobabble Obfuscation"!
} Today's assignment was:
}
} Give a sample query to the Internet Oracle, indirectly asking him if he
} dislikes you or not.  Use buzzwords where possible, and use the
} oracularity hints we discussed in class.
}
} TA Grading form:
}
} Part 1: Grovel (10 pts)
} > Oracle most computationally feasible,
}
} Did the student grovel? Y   If yes...
} How many lines was the grovel? 1
} How many words? 4
} Did student insult self? N
}   in a vile and disgusting way? N
} Did student flatter Oracle? Y
} How many times? 1
}   with computer language? Y
}   about Oracle's reproductive prowess? N
}   with a word longer than 20 letters? N
}   with language suitable for a powerful entity? N
} Was 'Oracle' preceded by the following:
}   wondrous? N
}   Oh? N
}   great? N
}   nifty? N
}   powerful? N
}   other:
} Did the grovel have a pun tie-in to the question? N
}
} Score and comments
}
} 6 - please try harder. You did much better on the 'Usenet Trolling'
} assignment, it's unfortunate you didn't use that creativity here.  You
} could be a really good supplicant if you had more effort here.
}
} Part 2: The question (10 pts)
} > Am I caught up in a web that you are weaving?
}
} Was a question asked? Y
}   If no, was it a clever twist?
} Was the question:
}   one of the forbidden questions? N
}   a parody of a forbidden question? N
}   along the lines of the question that was assigned? Y
}     indirectly? Y - good, clever twist on the assignment
} Were buzzwords used? Y
}   correctly? N - webs are spun, not woven -2
}   too much? N
}   any lame coffee puns? N
}   any web/spider references? Y - excellent job
} Is the question answerable? Y
}   in a humorous way? Y
}   flexibly? Y
}   such that the assigned question may be answered? Y
} Did the question include Oracular inside jokes? N Check all that apply:
}   Lisa
}   Zadoc
}   woodchucks
}   lemurs
}   Joel Furr
}   Darkmage
}   Perth
}   anti-oracle entity (woodchuck oracle, etc)
}   AOL humour, B1FF, Marina Sirtis
} Was question poetry? N
}
} Score and comments:
}
} 8 - not bad, but a little disappointing.  I think you're capable of
} better.
}
} Miscellaneous / extra credit
} Penalty of -2 if accidently sent to the real Internet Oracle: Y -2
}   -10 if Teaching Assistant gets zotted for your error: N
}   Bonus +5 if it makes it to the Oracularities: Y +5 way to go!
}
} Final score and comments
}
} 14 -2 +5 = ** 17 **
} Pretty good, but try harder next time, you can do better! - your TA


916-10    (hxrn9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most soleful,
> How can I walk a mile in your shoes when you're wearing them all the
> time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is that you, Imelda?
}
} You owe the Oracle a date, now that Ferdinand is dead.  Just don't tell
} Lisa.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org