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Internet Oracularities #917

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Internet Oracularities #917    (86 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 13:55:18 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   917
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

917   86 votes 7mxl3 6hzl7 btmea 9spdb chugb 8kxi7 amum2 fboqa deopa cfojg
917   3.0 mean  2.9   3.1   2.8   2.9   3.0   3.0   2.8   3.1   3.1   3.1


917-01    (7mxl3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle thou knowest all things of wit and wisdom and knowledge.
> Please mighty oracel call upon thy great knowledge with wich thou
> mayest tell me what shall be the third question that shall be posed on
> my calculas final next semester.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I do know, but an all knowing Diety must also have some ethics.
}
} Be that as it may, I can be generous and offer some hints.
} 1) It will not ask you to desribe the packet switching protocols of a
}    router.
} 2) It will not ask you to compare and contract collectivism and free
}    enterprise in 19th century Poland.
} 3) It will not ask you to demonstrate the power of Kenji in the
}    cultural fabric of China.
} 4) It will not ask you to answer a question for the Internet Oracle.
} 5) It will not ask you to create life in a test tube from stale water
}    and a spark coil.
} I know this will help.
}
} You owe the Great and Powerful Oracle a hand calculated definite
} integral in n-space of a complex trig function of your choice.


917-02    (6hzl7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most reliable, are you compatible with the MicroSoft Oracle '97

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} According to tech release MSOR45669-02, the Oracle is indeed compatible
} with Microsoft Oracle '97. To be exact, MS Oracle '97 is compatible
} with yours truly.
} Please note the following:
} MS Oracle '97 requires 24 mb of free memory to run. 32 recommended.
} MS Oracle '97 requires 100 mb of disk space for the basic install.
} Please note that the basic install can only answer "yes" or "no".
} For the full version, you will need at least 250 mb of disk space.
} Known incompatibilities:
} -Systems without MMX have been known to crash when MS Oracle '97 is
} asked a question containing the words "wood" or "chuck"
} -Systems with MMX have been known to spontaneously combust.
} -MS Oracle '97 currently is unable to handle questions containing the
} following characters: !, @, #, $, %, ^, &, *, <, >, and e.
} -MS Oracle '97 has been said to erase Linux or OS/2 if found on the
} system.
}
} Microsoft tech support also recommends that you reinstall Oracle '97
} every other day. It is also recommended to reinstall Windows at least
} once a week.
}
} What you can expect in the next version:
} * Support for special characters
} * Full integration with the operating system, the internet, and your
} checkbook.
}
} For the moment, although MS Oracle '97 looks to be able to handle
} regular Oracle questions, for stability reasons, you might as well
} stick with the current Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a round-trip ticket to Redmond, WA.


917-03    (btmea dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Dancing on the lips of intimate strangers, shallow as the city, now
> they're vivid like the sun.  Blinding me with spirit... in the night,
> my private soul can hear it.  Calming as the hummingbirds; they were
> only words.
>
>    But what words were they?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'MAKE MONEY FAST!!!!', of course.
}
} You owe the Oracle all your maxed-out credit cards, and the
} bill-collectors hounding you like you wouldn't believe.  This email has
} remained successfull due to the HONESTY and INTEGRITY of the
} participants.


917-04    (9spdb dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why I awoke this morning looking like a member of the crew of Star
> Trek.
>
> I am a professional boxer and the last thing that I remember is getting
> in the ring and fighting two and half rounds against my opponent who I
> seemed to be beating.
>
> The next thing I know, I'm wakening up in casualty with big pointy ears
>
> ! Not only that, I find that my fingers now make strange signs and
> everytime I touch someone's shoulder they pass out.
>
> What's happening ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, well, supplicant, this one is easy to figure out if we dissect
} the entire puzzle before you...
}
} Boxers are ferocious dogs -- everyone knows that.  But sometimes, when
} a ferocious dog is getting the upper hand on his opponent -- especially
} those insidious little "yippie" dogs (poodles come to mind) -- they
} will resort to new, undoglike, tactics... such as clubbing one with a
} small cat.  That is why you were out cold.
}
} As for the ears, well, they've been cropped.  Sorry to be the one to
} break this you.  The bandages will come off in a few weeks.  It was
} also necessary to neuter you.  Sorry.
}
} As for the "fingers" (how human!), that's where your nails were
} clipped. The bandages will come off in a few days.  And, it's not
} touching someone's shoulder that's knocking them out:  It's the doggie
} breath.
}
} You owe the Oracle plommek soup with Milk Bone crackers.


917-05    (chugb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> why don't you give more answers in verse form?
> Don't the Priests like poetry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The story, my dear supplicant
} Is one of which you should take note.
} The Priests you see do rave and rant
} Over the question that you wrote.
}
} The Priests they have an arduous task
} Compiling every little bit
} Of questions that you mortals ask
} Which mostly are all full of... nonsense.
}
} They cannot be expected then
} To combat rhythm, rhyme and song
} As well as well as "how" or "why" or "when"
} and contemplations overlong.
}
} So there you are. You have at least
} An answer to your question got.
} And now, a message from the Priests
} "Thank you for your interest..." *ZOT!*
}
} You owe the Oracle a 15 page dissertation on "How to Eat a Poem."


917-06    (8kxi7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, burning bright,
> Moving faster than even light,
> Mightier than supermans tights,
> ZOTing woodchucks left & right.
>
> Answer me this one, unique and clever,
> Though I'm not worthy of your endeavor,
> Your notice now will mean good weather;
> In your quizzical debt I will be forever.
>
> I want to know something about the fights:
> Why Don King's hair reaches new heights,
> Why Mike Tyson continues to fight,
> And why my girlfriend likes to bite.  ( actually, I already know this
>                                         one *S* )
> Tell me this so I can be
> Worthy of your scrutiny,
> And be assurred immortality
> By making an Oracularity.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, supplicant, make no slight
} In the forests of the night.
} Even O.J.'d feel my might
} If he mentioned w**dch*cks left and right.
}
} Your question's neither unique nor clever.
} Worthy of my effort?  Never!
} Yet my Oracular Oath binds me forever
} 'Cause Lisa looks so cute in leather.
}
} So, you'd know about the fights?
} King's hair has Minoxidol might,
} And Tyson isn't very bright.
} Lisa, likewise, likes to bite.
}
} I tell you, though you cannot be
} Worthy of my dignity
} Your question betrays vanity
} And dubious morality.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rhyming dictionary.


917-07    (amum2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, drained your queue.
> Oracle, Oracle, boo-hoo-hoo.
> Good questions are so hard to find.
> No wonder I'm bored out of my mind.
>
> Can we just talk for a while and drop this whole question and answer
> thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, Supplicant, you're cringing in awe,
} Supplicant, Supplicant, it's 'gainst natural law,
} Good questions are indeed quite hard to find,
} But if you don't stop that, you'll surely go blind.
}
} Can we just drop this?  The answer is "no."
}
} You owe the Oracle another rhyming question.  That was fun.


917-08    (fboqa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So Kirsten Chevalier's become a Priest of the Internet Oracle, eh?
>
> What's she being punished for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For failing to grovel, of course.  Remind you of anyone?


917-09    (deopa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle:
>
> I'm concerned about my son. He hasn't called in months. And does he
> ever come to visit? Nooooo. Oh sure, he has plenty of time to answer
> questions about gophers, or something like that, and place whoopee
> cushions on Zeus' throne on Mount Olympus, but he's apparently "too
> busy" to write a note to his poor, neglected, grief-stricken old mum.
> This "oracularity" business is no fit occupation for a grown omniscient
> being anyway. He needs to settle down, take over a continent, have the
> locals set up temples to them. Maybe then he'll do the right thing by
> that girl, Lisa. If he's not careful, she'll run off with that skanky
> chief priest of his, Zardoz. I've never trusted that snivelling toady.
>
> So, Oracle, what does this ungrateful, good-for-nothing, thoughtless
> son of mine have to say for himself?
>
> An Anonymous Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc is not skanky.  He is just misunderstood.  All the toadyness, the
} grovelling, is really just a front for the wonderful person underneath.
} Mom, if you could just come to know him as I know him, the beauty that
} is Zadoc would inspire you.
}
} Mom, Lisa left me.  I know you told me she was trash when we you first
} met her, and you were right.  She ran off with a used car salesman
} named Ahmed, who wears lots of gold chains and has a cigarette boat.
} In the difficult times afterwards, Zadoc was always there for me.  He
} (sniff) helped me to see past the masculine "God" act, and taught me to
} love myself for the person I am.  I don't know what I would have done
} if he wasn't here for me then.  He showed me that I'm intelligent,
} funny, good to be around, and doggone it, people like me!
}
} Anyway, we are going to move to a state where same-sex marriages are
} legal.  I'll send the address when I know where we will be.
}
} Love,
}
} Little Orie.
}
} You owe the Oracle an appearance on the next "I love my gay son"
} edition of Opra Winfrey.  But only if it's not exploitive.


917-10    (cfojg dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where did I put my thingy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look in your other pocket.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to never shake hands with him.


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