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Internet Oracularities #918

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918, 918-01, 918-02, 918-03, 918-04, 918-05, 918-06, 918-07, 918-08, 918-09, 918-10


Internet Oracularities #918    (93 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 4 Jul 1997 10:12:53 -0500 (EST)

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   918
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

918   93 votes 6etrh bsmlb btve8 8gmyd 3iqth 8ornb chqu8 fxog5 vtm74 lymd3
918   2.9 mean  3.4   2.9   2.8   3.3   3.4   3.1   3.1   2.6   2.2   2.4


918-01    (6etrh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I am rather suspicious of the Publishers Clearing
> House and Readers Digest and all these other places that have
> sweepstakes.  Several times, I have sent off for their list of winners,
> in an attempt to verify that the sweepstakes are legitimate.  But every
> time I try to call one of the $10,000,000 winners, I get a message from
> the phone company that "the number you have dialed has been changed to
> an unlisted number."  I think they're all a scam, and they're trying to
> hide from me.  Tell me, oh great one, is it so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Supplicant, it is even more sinister than you suspect.  I do not
}      share this knowledge with everyone, but in your case, because you
}      asked, I know that you can be trusted.  Let me turn you over now
}      to my assistant, Fox Mulder.
}
}      [The Oracle flips a switch and a teleconferencing screen emerges
}      from the panelling.  The TV comes on.  Fix Mulder is standing in a
}      smoky briefing room dimly lit by lowslung sunlight filtering
}      through venetian blinds.  Indiscinct figures sit in the
}      background.]
}
}      FM: Their Plan isn't obvious at first.  It's supposed to look like
}      a sweepstakes or a lottery.  They get you to buy magazines.  Good
}      Housekeeping.  Cosmopolitan.  Men's Health.  They get you to buy
}      Reader's Digest.  The content of this material that's then shipped
}      to your house is subtly hypnotic.  It gets to you.  You find
}      yourself believing things that make very little sense.  They'll
}      have you believe that floral print curtains look good, or that the
}      quality of life is higher in the suburbs than in the country or
}      the city, or that women want men who look like Fabio.  I know.
}      You're thinking that this is the norm.  It's only this way because
}      of the Master Plan.
}
}      The Plan's failsafe mechanism is the sweepstakes.  If you play
}      their game and then one day wise up to them, you've become a
}      danger, a threat.  You have to be disposed of, and you have to be
}      shown to be a heretic before all the true believers.  It's a cross
}      between sweeping you under the rug and burning you at the stake.
}      They make it look like your big break, pictures with Ed McMahon, a
}      big four foot long check with a big number on it... it's a check
}      you can never cash. Your friends get to think you got rich and too
}      good for them and moved away.  Very convenient.
}
}      I've been on this case for two months.  Yes, against orders.  But
}      I know who is responsible.  Always look to those who have the most
}      to gain from others' ignorance, those who can lord their knowledge
}      over others.  Gentleman, the person resposible is the Internet
}      O...
}
}      [Click.  The screen goes dark.]
}
}      Oracle:  Well, supplicant.  That's about enough to give you the
}      idea. So if I were you, I would rest assured that you called it
}      right and stay away from those evil sweepstakes.
}
}      BUT, I do have some good news for you.  Look at this!
}
}      [Noisemakers, flashing lights, confetti falls.  Zadoc and a bevy
}      of beautiful women enter the room.]
}
}      Zadoc:  Congratulations, Supplicant!  You've asked the Oracle his
}      one trillionth question!  You've won ten million dollars and an
}      all expenses paid trip to Delphi!  And you don't owe the Oracle a
}      thing! That's right!  You can leave tomorrow.  Here's your check.
}      Here, we even bought you some great luggage.  This Samsonite
}      here's so big, why heck, you could almost fit yourself in it!  Ha
}      ha ha ha!  And STRONG, too...
}
}      [Fade to black.  X-Files theme music plays.]


918-02    (bsmlb dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondrous Oracle, who MUST have a better answer for this than the
> last incarnation,
>
> Back in 1995, I bought the Pink Floyd "Pulse" CD set, and it was
> packaged in that box with the neat (at the time) little flashing light
> on the spine of the case. My problem is that the damn light is still
> blinking 2 years later! I keep my CDs in my bedroom, because that's
> the only place I can listen to them without disturbing others in
> the house. When I try to sleep, all I can see is this blasted little
> LED blinking on and off in the corner.  I've tried turning it to face
> away from me, burying it under a mound of stuff, and so on--no luck.
> I thought about either putting a piece of duct tape over the light
> or ripping the LED and battery pack out, but I don't want to wreck
> the CD case. Any ideas on how I can get rid of this nagging problem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} The LED as you call it is in fact an extremely rare Rubicus-Insanicum
} or "Insane Ruby" as it is more comonly known.
}
} It is the result of allowing a crazy diamond to shine on for too long.
}
} The only known way to stop this phenomenon is to cover the offending
} gem with Tipp-ex and then colour it in to match that of the rest of the
} case.
}
} Wish you were here,
}
} Orrie


918-03    (btve8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, wonderful, marvelous, magnificent, and omnipotent oracle
> whose prowess knows no limits, I humbly implore thee to answer my cry:
>
> What's wrong with this question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...  Let's analyze it.  "What's wrong with this question?"  Aside
} from being self-referent, nothing... so far.  So, let's try some other
} methods of analysis.
}
} Diagramming:
}             What | is | wrong
}                            \with
}                             \__this question
}
}       No. Looks Okay.
}
} Translate it into Oracle Scoring Speak (OSS):
} 59 18 11 30 28 33 28 25 24 17 33 19 30 18 30 18 19 28 27 31 15 29 30 19
} 25 24
}       Yes, those are my measurements.
} Add it all up:
} 668
}       Yes, that's exactly how much wood...
} Auf Deutch:
} Was ist los mit dieses Frage?
}       Ja, es ist OK.
} In Mesopotamian:
}       ...,, ,,...- ,.,.,, ..,..., ,.,.,.,,.,.-----|||?
} Ah ha!! It seems the answer is .,...,,-||..,
}
} You owe the Oracle the translation, and total of "War and Peace" into
} OSS.


918-04    (8gmyd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@brisbane.sgi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most quiet,
> Am I crazy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh...it's been a long time since i tackled a question as deeply
} nested and intrinsically convoluted as this one! First things first...
}
} The first level is Am, which is probably a westerniziation on the
} Hindish Om...which is, as we all should know, a measure of resistance
} to all things Spiritual (Om's law).
}
} The second level to the nested interogatory is I...another barely
} concealed misappropriation of the ancient Celtic Aye. Since the Celts
} used "Aye" mostly to indicate when their eyes were bleary from the
} unbridled consumption of too much stout mead, and to simultaneously
} request a refill, the I in the question roughly equivocates to Blind
} (as in blotto).
}
} And finally, the deepest level of the nest is expressed as crazy.
} This part is a bit tricky, but with some quiet analysis we see that
} crazy further dissembles into Cray and see. The allusions here are a
} little more obscure, all-the-more so due to their extreme seperation
} in timelike infinity. The "Cray" references a brand of modern super-
} computer, while the "see" most probably refers to the Papal See. Since
} the Vatican currently utilizes several Cray's to keep accurate track
} of tithes, "crazy", in this context, equates to the Pope's accountant.
}
} Therefore, the Oracle is now prepared to answer the REAL question...
} which now is seen to be:
}
}       How much can a Spiritually Bankrupt blind Catholic accountant
}       imbibe before mistaking the Pope for a Celtic beer stein?
}
} To which the Oracle shamlessly replies:
}
}       About 3 cups of Sacramental wine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Gallo & a box of Vanilla Wafers.


918-05    (3iqth dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So , Orrie, that's it then, is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, and please don't make fun of it.  I know it's a little small, but
} it's not size that matters, but the motion of the ocean.  And it's also
} amazingly well kept.  I clean it regularly, taking special care to
} scrape the mold off the sides.
}
} Now I'll beg you never to speak of my aquarium again.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottom feeder.


918-06    (8ornb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Orrie, tell me why you have such a h**d-on for my husband.  He's a
> perfectly nice guy.  Just because he's rich and successful, and has
> made life easier for millions of hardworking people all over the world,
> you'd think he's some kind of criminal.  > Why, you should just see him
> around the house, puttering around with his little maps and pushpins,
> and dressing up in that cute little uniform.    And he spends hours
> every day talking to our son--well, actually, just muttering, but the
> baby just loves it> .  Anyway, he's great, so why can't you just leave
> him alone?
>
> Sincerely,
> Mrs. Bill Gates

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because he's performed an illegal operation and must be shut down.
}
} If this problem persists, I'll send *him* to contact his vendor.
}
} You owe the Oracle a port of MS Office '97 for Linux.


918-07    (chqu8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and wonderful Oracle who knows all there has ever been to know,
>
> Does 1 + 1 really equal 3 for large values of 1?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think that you should call Intel about the Pentium
} replacement program.
}
} You owe the oracle an SGI Octane, and an SGI Octane.
} Ship all three to me directly.


918-08    (fxog5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My dad is buying cows, but he isn't a landwirt.
> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
} Do you want them to hear you foolish supplicant???  I mean, just cause
} you're not immortal and intelligent...well...  Oh geez...  You don't
} see them, do you?
}       Oh man!  How can you humans be so stupid!!  It's right in front
} of you!  Do you think that episode of the Outer Limits was a lie!?!?!?
} The cows have taken over three continents, and all you foolish humans
} can do is sit around at Mc Donalds and eat the beings you should be
} shooting by the dozens.
}       If you don't believe me just watch any news broadcast and you
} will see how little attention is paid to these forest sucking cows!
}       Any animal who burps and part of the planet is destroyed is a
} terrible enemy...
}       What's that?  Your dad is buying cows???
}       QUICK, SUPPLICANT!!!  LEAVE THE HOUSE!  THE COUNTRY!  HECK, LEAVE
} THE SYSTEM!  IT'S A FULL SCALE INVASION AND THEY'RE TAKING OVER YOUR
} FATHER'S MIND!!!
}
}       Either that, or your dad just wants to raise cows.
}
} You Owe the Oracle 50 acres of rainforest to raise a genetic cattle
} changing ranch on.


918-09    (vtm74 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. oracle,
>
>       My I please have some more?
>
>                       -O.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Help yourself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vodka martini, with a twist.


918-10    (lymd3 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty and meaty Oracle, please help me out here.
>
> I see that the patch to keep corrupt ICMP messages from crashing
> Windows NT/95 systems via the TCP/IP stack has finally become
> available.
>
> What other patches to known problems is Microsoft working on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MICROSOFT PRESS RELEASE 1998
} ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
}
} Bill Gates has authorised the product research team to develop the
} first self-producing computers. These computers, attached to the
} factory production line, will then be able to take over the entire
} plant from design to final delivery, distribution of the goods,
} marketing, helpdesk support and basic maintenance. By reducing the
} staff to a minimum (one), taxation, insurance and bathroom costs will
} now be almost entirely eliminated.
}
} The ultra-secret product research team have been given their own hidden
} base for this development. The project is currently known as the
} Computer Bill Gates, or colloquially by its initials - Ka Ba Ja.
} Although the details are not being released for some time, MS sources
} say that the creation of these new machines is not unlike a birth. More
} news will be forthcoming from the Ka Ba Ga Patch as it comes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Strawberry Shortcake doll.


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