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Internet Oracularities #919

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Internet Oracularities #919    (113 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 8 Jul 1997 09:37:42 -0500 (EST)

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919  113 votes atEq8 3cmDB 4btJo 9lFqg cIuj8 mxyg8 37jJD lEri7 cuwjk euBn9
919   3.1 mean  2.9   3.8   3.7   3.2   2.7   2.6   4.0   2.6   3.0   2.8


919-01    (atEq8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise oracle, you see all, you know all, tell me
>
> Australian Rules Football......What's that all about then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not really hard. It's just like regular American football,
} except that lateral passes by the receiving team must be made in
} inverse fashion between two players of rank halfback or greater
} (but not the quarterback!) during the fourth and fifth downs, and in
} normal, reciprocating, fashion during first and third downs, except
} when a conversion has caused the "Second Interception Rule" to come
} into effect, which generally means that the alternate linemen are
} taken out of play for two minutes or until the designated hitter of
} the home team receives two or more qualifying fouls before the end
} of regulation play. And the opposite for kickoffs, of course.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the new rulebook.


919-02    (3cmDB dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who is most clever and all that, knowing pretty much everything
> there is to know etc etc, generally speaking a bit of a brainy box, you
> know?
> Can you tell me just how much NASA have spent getting that thing to the
> planet Mars and just what do they expect to find there ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, you'll be pleased to know the answer is - not a cent of
} public money. The program is being funded in line with a new government
} policy to cut taxes, which is that funds are to raised through
} soul-bartering. It goes like this:
}
} Dan Goldin, NASA Administrator: Damn, it's going to cost a couple of
} mill to get this little toy buggy thing to Mars. I'd sell my soul for
} the space program!
} *puff of smoke*
} The Devil (looking like Ned Flanders): That can be arranged!
} Goldin: Satan? You'll give me the money?
} The Devil: Sure, sign this paper.
} Goldin: (reads, and signs) "To The Prince Of Darkness, in exchange for
} a space program, One Soul".
} The Devil: ... And here's the cash! See you in hell!
}
} Impressed with the efficiency of this plan, other levels of government
} have been joining in:
}
} Bill Clinton: Damn, those Republicans are going to eat me alive if I
} can't balance the budget. And the courts are going to roast me over
} that Paula chick. I'd sell my soul to be out of this mess!
} *puff of smoke*
} The Devil: That can be arranged!
} Clinton: Satan? Gee, thems pointy horns!
} The Devil: Sign on the dotted line.
} Clinton: (reads, then signs) "To The Prince of Darkness, in exchange
} for one balanced budget and one not so messy court case, My Soul"
} The Devil: Aha! This is fun! See you in hell!
}
} Other prominent leaders are trying it too:
} Bill Gates: Hey, I *could* be richer! I'd sell my soul for a total
} stranglehold on the world!
}
} *no puff of smoke. A sinister voice floats up through the floorboards:
} Doesn't work twice, Bill!
}
} You owe the Oracle ...  your heart and mind, supplicant. (evil laugh)


919-03    (4btJo dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> Take pity on your poor supplicant,
> who is too base and putrid to even ask the Great Oracleness
> this question:
>
> How many lines of code,
> Would a Microsoft programmer code,
> If a Microsoft Programmer
> could write debuged code?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi. Welcome back to HackChat.  We're talking today with a Microsoft
} programmer who wishes to remain anonymous. I'm your host, The
} Internet Oracle, and this hour is brought to you by, um, Microsoft--
} makers of all your software needs for today, the year 2000, and
} beyond.
}
} Microsoft Programmer: (wiping nose on sleeve)  Hi.
}
} Just before the break, a poetically inclined caller wanted to know
} how many lines of debugged code you could write.
}
} MP:  Oh, tons, I suppose.
}
} Really?
}
} MP: Depends on what you mean by debugged.
}
} Let's simplify things and define that as meaning the program will
} operate, say, correctly.
}
} MP: Oh.
}
} Well?
}
} MP: I can almost guarantee that little boxes will pop up on cue every
}        time.
}
} You mean according to my cue, right?
}
} MP: (chuckles) God no. Ours.  But since I wrote the program, I'd know
}        better as to when the little boxes...
}
} Wait. You do understand that there's more at stake here than the
} interface, right?  Like whether the program does what it's supposed
} to do?
}
} MP: How can a consumer know what it's supposed to do without
}        actually having written it?
}
} Well, when you buy something expecting it to do what's written
} on the box...
}
} MP: Oh, you'd have to talk to marketing about that. I can't accept
}        responsibility for package design...
}
} Let me start over. Say you've written a program. What steps do
} you take to ensure the code has been debugged before releasing
} it?
}
} MP: I'm not sure I follow....
}
} Okay, Internet Explorer 4.0 is currently in beta testing, right? What
} is being done with the bug reports that--
}
} MP: I worked on that one! You can get web content delivered right
}        to your desktop!
}
} As opposed to having to undergo the laborious chore of clicking a
} button...that's certainly worth half a hard drive.
}
} MP: You bet!
}
} I was being sarcastic.
}
} MP: Being what?
}
} Sarcastic.
}
} MP: If that's a Mac program I can't really comment...
}
} Okay. I'm way tired of this.  <ZOT!>
}
} You owe the Oracle a course in LINUX and a non-formulaic ending.


919-04    (9lFqg dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To Whom it may concern.
>
> My clients, the Wood Chuck Protection Board (WCPB) are very upset by
> the lack of care to the furry quadropeds so unfairly mistreated by you,
> the "Internet" Oracle.
>
> You are being charged with slander, deciet, hatred to Wood Chucks,
> misappropriations of the truth on Wood Chucks, and denying the needs of
> Wood Chucks to Chuck wood.
>
> If this continues further the WCPB will be forced to take legal action
> against you.
>
> Sincerely,
>       W. Chuck.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr. Chuck, Chairman of the Board of Fools,
}
}    Unfortunately the WCPB cannot be taken seriously. I, as the supreme
} Oracle, am aware that WCPB is actually an acronym derived from a one
} letter displacement to the left, on the 'qwerty' keyboard, from the
} famed woodchuck EVAN. Any self-respecting omniscient being cannot
} accept an agency cunningly named for a woodchuck who would wander about
} in the woods and, dare I say it, 'chuck wood.'
}
}     You see, although Evan was a nice little woodchuck, as they go, he
} had his heart set on tossing timber. Trees were meant to stay where I
} place them--they make good tooth picks for me after a hearty meal.
} Regardless, I know that one time, long ago, Evan attempted to 'chuck
} wood' and this inspired an entire race of wood 'chuckers.' I, as the
} supreme Oracle, have the power to correct this terrible turn in the
} evolutionary process. I will eradicate the world of woodchucks!
}
}    Therefore, it is imperative that you make copies of the attached
} file and make sure that every member of your Board signs and is in full
} agreement with the contract. Thank you.
}                               The Internet Oracle
}
}  P.S.   Incidentally, How can an agency designed to protect what you
} call 'innocent' creatures, not know that "quadropeds" is spelled, not
} that way, but rather, quadrupeds? Thanks again.
}
} P.P.S  I expect never to hear from you again.
}
} File Attachment:      signorbezotted.txt
}
}        ----- CONTRACT 13a "Woodchuck Extermination" -----
}
}    I, ________, hereby declare that woodchucks are in fact, not
} sentient life forms and are a mistake of mother nature. However, I
} realize that she can be forgiven of her sins by weeding out the genetic
} mishap that so long ago produced marmota monax, better know as
} woodchuck.
}
}    I, ________, realize that by my signing this contract I am
} guaranteeing the safety of not only the world, but also of myself as a
} humble supplicant. I also am aware that by my willful signing, I am
} protecting both myself and my family from being ZOTTED.
}
}    I, ________, hereby declare that I am not being forced to sign this.
} I realize that if I do not I will be burnt into a smoking mass of
} charred flesh. This, however, is not contributing to my signature. I
} want to sign. Therefore, I, _______, am going to.
}
}    I, ________, also declare that I do not endorse the friendship with,
} the furthering of, or in anyway, the continued existence of any
} creature that is involved in any of the following:
}
} - Chucking Wood,
} - Tossing Timber,
} - Shooting Spruce,
} - Tumbling Trees,
} - Pitching Pines ,
} - Casting Conifers,
} - Pushing Palms,
} - Dislodging Deciduous,
} - Moving Maples,
} - Flipping Firs,
} - Discarding Dogwoods,
} - Shoving Sequoia,
} - Overcoming an Occasional Oak,
} - Slamming Cedars,
} - Hurling Hemlocks,
} - Shaking Cypress,
} - Launching Larch,
} - Accelerating Alders,
} - Blasting Birch,
} - Agitating Acacia,
} - Breaking Bonsai,
} - Heaving Hawthorns,
} - Propelling Perennials
} - Impelling Ivy,
} - Wasting Willows,
} - Pressing Poplar,
} - Ejecting Ebony,
} - Ramming Redwoods,
} - Beating Bushes
}
} and/or
}
} - Hauling Hazels,
}
}   I, _______, agree with all of the preceding. I am no longer an
} advocate of any animal belonging to the marmota species.
}
}                               _________ (please print)
}                               _________ (sign here)
}
} **TRANSMISSION ENDED**


919-05    (cIuj8 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, whose management skills are beyond compare,
> please tell me:
>
> How can I get my staff to come to work on time?  I've tried jokes,
> bribery, & threats, but none of them work.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny, but I don't recall the jokes. The bribery was good, but I never
} saw the money. For some reason all I seem to have received were the
} threats and those big whacks over the head, which are still affecting
} my memory. And as long as I don't see those other things, I will get to
} work when I Damned well please.
}
} How about some PAY? THAT might work. Or didn't you think of it?
}
} But seriously: when someone tries to work hard but doesn't so much as
} get coherent, clear, English instructions, much less anything else,
} they tend to dislike the job. And that's the EMPLOYER'S fault.
}
} I don't know about others (actually I do because I'm The Oracle, but
} it's a common phrase), but whenever someone tries to coerce me into
} doing something by saying "You will do this OR ELSE!", I just won't do
} it. Period. Screw the consequences. Even if it is something I can
} easily do. This is not stubbornness, it is a form of self-defense.
}
} An ex-POW gave this advice: "If they give you lined paper, write across
} the lines. If they offer you a seat, prefer to stand." There was more,
} but you get the idea.
}
} On the other hand, if I have a clear, understandable contract, and I
} get the pay I contracted for, and the people are helpful and friendly,
} I will do my best. But I will see some pay or I won't work. Or at least
} I won't do the work you want me to do.
}
} And I have news for you: NOBODY else is even remotely qualified for
} THIS job.
}
} You still owe The Oracle - big time.


919-06    (mxyg8 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   "Go over what the abbot said again," said the first programmer, as he
> nudged his burro down the mountain path.  "I still don't understand why
> those monks need a Mark V out here in the middle of nowhere."
>   "He said," replied the second programmer, after a distant pause,
> "that they were programming the machine to be a question generator.
> That it would save them centuries of work, by generating all the
> possible questions you could ask the Internet Oracle in a matter of
> days."
>   "But why bother?  What's the point?"
>   "They think that once the Oracle has answered all possible questions,
> mankind will have fulfilled its purpose and the universe will end."
>   "Those nutty monks."  The first programmer shook his head as he made
> his way down the trail, putting distance between himself and the
> monastery.
>
>   In the Mark V's control room the acolytes pedaled furiously at their
> bicycles, providing electricity for the great machine.  A fanfold
> printout emerged from the depths of its circuitry, tended carefully by
> the monks:
>
> Q# 9205849463:
>   HOW MUCH SAND WOULD A SANDPIPER PIPE IF A SANDPIPER COULD PIPE SAND?
> Q# 9205849464:
>   HOW MANY BOOKS WOULD A BOOKMARK MARK IF A BOOKMARK COULD MARK BOOKS?
> Q# 9205849465:
>   HOW MUCH TIME WOULD A TIMEPIECE PIECE IF A TIMEPIECE COULD PIECE
>   TIME?
> Q# 9205849466:
>   HOW MANY FLAGS WOULD A FLAGPOLE POLL IF A FLAGPOLE COULD POLL FLAGS?
> Q# 9205849467:
>   HOW MANY CLOCKS WOULD A CLOCKWORK WORK IF A CLOCKWORK COULD WORK
>   CLOCKS?
>
>   The monks gathered around the machine in eager anticipation of the
> 9205849468th (and, according to their painstaking calculations, last)
> question.  The acolytes pedaled faster.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc, it appears we've stumbled on another IBM commercial:
}
} [Two monks are sitting in front of a cafe on the French Riviera]
}
} Monk #1: Hruffa, Szelek. Balasssoasmattacar. Wi con I B M macinadora.
}
}          <Hruffa, shut up. I know what I'm doing. I should be using the
}           IBM machines.>
}
} Monk #2: Wahayyata, Juan Valdez ni kai na ya vava baker.
}
}        <No way, Juan Valdez would object.>
}
} Monk #1: Waralla, wish wish basu basa. Zweekar sarovar Juan Valdez si
}          kayallat...
}
}        <Juan valdez is dead. His coffee is ground, if you know what I
}         mean...>
}
} Monk #2: Karakozka; dragnoyarsk'in krepertallen. Yuwaswissah swagat.
}
}        <I'll have no part in this; Soup only tastes good when boiled.
}         Goodbye.>
}
} Monk #1: Arra'tanaka biddun! Yu-Shi harakatallih 1-800-IBMSUCK?
}          You will...
}
}        <You idiot! Have you ever called 1-800-IBMSUCK? You will...>
}
} [Scene changes. Two monks, naked as nature, one behind the other...
}
} ^D
}
} [CENSORED] by ...NET NANNY...
}
} Transmission Error. Download failed.


919-07    (37jJD dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > > > > > > > > > > meow
> >
> > > > > > > > > > Meow!
> >
> > > > > > > > > me0w
> >
> > > > > > > > meow!!!
> >
> > > > > > > MEOW
> >
> > > > > > meow
> >
> > > > > Meow!!!
> >
> > > > m3ow !!!
> >
> > > Meow.
> >
> > meow
>
> Meow!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The Question is:
}         What is sound of one cat falling down the stairs?
}
} You owe the Oracle a guest spot on Jeopardy.


919-08    (lEri7 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle,
>
> Could you do that agin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure.
}
} Being omniscient, I do happen to know the actual 'agin' you want today
} is the one from Roget's Internatinal Thesaurus, so there we go:
}
} 790. OPPOSITION
}
} <skipping items .1 - .9>
}
} .10 PREPS
} opposed to, adverse to, counter to, in opposition to, in conflict with,
} at cross-purposes with;
} against, agin [dial], dead against, athwart;
} versus, vs.;
} con, contra, face to face with, vis-a-vis [Fr].
}
} You owe the Internet a bit more reluctance in the usage of dialect.
} It can be confusing and hinders the spread of English as a Lingua
} Franca.


919-09    (cuwjk dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty internet oracle of the far off land of indiana.edu.  Whose
> mastery of visual basic leaves Bill Gates grovelling, who can out think
> Deep Blue, who can code C++ faster than GNU, whose VRML web pages make
> picasso look like a 3 year-old with crayons, I ask the following
> question.
>
> Why can't Wile E. Coyote ever catch the Road Runner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wile is running in Windows.


919-10    (euBn9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise.
>
> What does the monsters under my bed keep disapearing when i look for
> them ? Everytime i crawl under the bed with a gun or a baseball bat
> they simply are gone. Still i can hear them gnawing and gnawing all
> through the night.  They are after me, I know it ! What can i do.
> I have even tried dynamite.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why get rid of them? Adopt them. Domesticate them. Train them to guard
} your house.
}
} Would you burgle a house patrolled by monsters?


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