} Dear Mr. Chuck, Chairman of the Board of Fools,
} Unfortunately the WCPB cannot be taken seriously. I, as the supreme
} Oracle, am aware that WCPB is actually an acronym derived from a one
} letter displacement to the left, on the 'qwerty' keyboard, from the
} famed woodchuck EVAN. Any self-respecting omniscient being cannot
} accept an agency cunningly named for a woodchuck who would wander about
} in the woods and, dare I say it, 'chuck wood.'
} You see, although Evan was a nice little woodchuck, as they go, he
} had his heart set on tossing timber. Trees were meant to stay where I
} place them--they make good tooth picks for me after a hearty meal.
} Regardless, I know that one time, long ago, Evan attempted to 'chuck
} wood' and this inspired an entire race of wood 'chuckers.' I, as the
} supreme Oracle, have the power to correct this terrible turn in the
} evolutionary process. I will eradicate the world of woodchucks!
} Therefore, it is imperative that you make copies of the attached
} file and make sure that every member of your Board signs and is in full
} agreement with the contract. Thank you.
} The Internet Oracle
} P.S. Incidentally, How can an agency designed to protect what you
} call 'innocent' creatures, not know that "quadropeds" is spelled, not
} that way, but rather, quadrupeds? Thanks again.
} P.P.S I expect never to hear from you again.
} File Attachment: signorbezotted.txt
} ----- CONTRACT 13a "Woodchuck Extermination" -----
} I, ________, hereby declare that woodchucks are in fact, not
} sentient life forms and are a mistake of mother nature. However, I
} realize that she can be forgiven of her sins by weeding out the genetic
} mishap that so long ago produced marmota monax, better know as
} I, ________, realize that by my signing this contract I am
} guaranteeing the safety of not only the world, but also of myself as a
} humble supplicant. I also am aware that by my willful signing, I am
} protecting both myself and my family from being ZOTTED.
} I, ________, hereby declare that I am not being forced to sign this.
} I realize that if I do not I will be burnt into a smoking mass of
} charred flesh. This, however, is not contributing to my signature. I
} want to sign. Therefore, I, _______, am going to.
} I, ________, also declare that I do not endorse the friendship with,
} the furthering of, or in anyway, the continued existence of any
} creature that is involved in any of the following:
} - Chucking Wood,
} - Tossing Timber,
} - Shooting Spruce,
} - Tumbling Trees,
} - Pitching Pines ,
} - Casting Conifers,
} - Pushing Palms,
} - Dislodging Deciduous,
} - Moving Maples,
} - Flipping Firs,
} - Discarding Dogwoods,
} - Shoving Sequoia,
} - Overcoming an Occasional Oak,
} - Slamming Cedars,
} - Hurling Hemlocks,
} - Shaking Cypress,
} - Launching Larch,
} - Accelerating Alders,
} - Blasting Birch,
} - Agitating Acacia,
} - Breaking Bonsai,
} - Heaving Hawthorns,
} - Propelling Perennials
} - Impelling Ivy,
} - Wasting Willows,
} - Pressing Poplar,
} - Ejecting Ebony,
} - Ramming Redwoods,
} - Beating Bushes
} - Hauling Hazels,
} I, _______, agree with all of the preceding. I am no longer an
} advocate of any animal belonging to the marmota species.
} _________ (please print)
} _________ (sign here)
} **TRANSMISSION ENDED**