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20 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 11:55:26 GMT

Internet Oracularities #92

Goto:
92, 92-01, 92-02, 92-03, 92-04, 92-05, 92-06, 92-07, 92-08, 92-09, 92-10


Usenet Oracularities #92
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 5 Jan 90 17:17:09 GMT

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92-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is orange juice yellow?
> And what's so great about sliced bread?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, listen, man, you gotta understand
} that in orange juice the absorption band
} of the molecules lies in the green
} and blue - that explains the orange sheen.
}
} The Oracle has rapped.
}
} [
}   Re: Your second question.
}
}   Dear Mr. Scum,
}
}   I am sorry to tell you that the Oracle most definitely refuses
}   to answer more than one question at a time. So, if you want the
}   Oracle's opinion on sliced bread, you will unfortunately have
}   to mail It this as a separate question.
}   However, if I may add my personal opinion, sliced bread has
}   proved most effective in helping me achieve orgasm at least
}   once a month.
}
}               Sincerely Yours,
}               On behalf of the Oracle,
}
}               Erma J. Birnbaum Hornswiggle
}               (personal secretary of the Usenet Oracle).
} ]


92-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I stand up after holding my breath and spinning on my head, I often
> get dizzy and drop to the ground.
>
> Is there some way I could impart the proper angular momentum as I fall,
> so that I would land ON MY HEAD, SPINNING?
>
> It would save me the time of starting over.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This can only be successfully achieved in the five minutes before and
} after the equinox, for the same reason that one can balance an egg on
} it's end at that time.


92-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I can understand that so many people ask you about sex, especially kinky
> sex, 'cause after all that's what occupies 90 % of our thoughts.  But
> why are so many questions about lingerie, especially bras?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, all of the lingerie questions seem to come from North Dakota.
} I suspect that since underwear is not usually worn in that state,
} lingerie is considered to be especially arousing.
}
} You owe the oracle a pair of woolen knickers.


92-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there any questions you won't answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}


92-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HHhoooowww    ddo  III geeett rriiid   of  thhhisss ffaast
> aauuutooreepeaat??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Filter al your input through this litle program (writen in C):
}
} ---------------------------------
} #include  <stdio.h>
}
} main()
} {
}   char  c;
}   char  lastc = EOF;
}
}   while ((c = getchar()) != EOF)  {
}     if (c != lastc)
}       putchar (c);
}     lastc = c;
}   }
} }
} ------------------------------------
}
} I think that wil fix your anoying problem.
}
} (You may have some smal problems with double leters, though.)


92-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it more fun to play the Oracle when my lover is here than when
> s/he is away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't want to know.  Really, I just don't want to know.


92-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> /* WHY doesn't this work? */
> main(argc, argv, envp)
> int argc;
> char **argv, **envp;
> {
>   char c,mask;
>
>   mask=atoi(argv[1]);
>
>   while((c=getchar)!=-1)
>     putchar(mask^c);
> }
> /* Why doesn't it stop when finished? */

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} /* WHY doesn't this work? */ <-- comment offends the software gods
} main(argc, argv, envp)
} int argc;                  <-- semicolons! the gods require FULL colons!
} char **argv, **envp;
} {
}   char c,mask;             <-- masks! disguises! trickery! grrrrr!!
}
}   mask=atoi(argv[1]);      <-- "atoi" = "Ayatollah" in machine language
}                                  (although the "arg" is quite
}   while((c=getchar)!=-1)          appropriate)
}     putchar(mask^c);       <-- REMOVE your character masks! the gods
} }                                compile only HONEST code!
} /* Why doesn't it stop when finished? */
}                     ^
}        This should now be apparent.
}
} The Oracle demands you say three Hail Fortrans, and make a pilgrimage to
} Maynard, Mass.


92-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I sneeze, I sometimes have visions of ancient Incan laborers
> hefting huge stones up jagged mountainsides.  Sometimes, if it's a big
> sneeze, I can even hear them singing.  But it sounds so much like "Girls
> Just Wanna Have Fun" that I begin to doubt myself.  Perhaps I'm tuning
> into two psychic experiences at once.  Or perhaps Cyndi Lauper is Incan.
> I don't know.  I just know it frightens me.  Can you explain any of
> this?  And can you suggest a good podiatrist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Out-of-body experiences are common during sneezing, just like during
} orgasm.  Don't fight it (and don't get hooked on it).  The meaning and
} scope of such experiences is one of life's great mysteries (which means
} this is going to cost extra).
}
} 1) The laborers are indeed making the lost city of Cibola in your dream.
}    You are channeling through one of the architect's assistancts.
}
} 2) This assistant is indeed the REAL author of ``Girls Just Wanna Have
}    Fun.'' He wrote it between Pyramid Studies and Western Civ.
}
} 3) Cyndi Lauper, a noted archeologist, discovered the song while on a
}    vacation in Mexico.
}
} The fact that you found out means that a National Inquirer article is
} just waiting for your call.  I'd tell you the number but the FCC would
} read me the riot act...  <grin>
}
} You owe the oracle a dream sequence.


92-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In any given half hour, how many people are actually doing it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A better question, my son, is,
}
}       "Given a half hour, how many people will do it?"
}
} You owe the Oracle some KY jelly and a night on the town.


92-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does chaos reign on my desk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why does chaos rain on your desk?  Because, my friend, you don't have
} the amazing Chao-Brella(TM), new from Ora-Co Industries.  It's
} guaranteed to stop everything from a slightly confused drizzle right up
} to a totally random downpour!  And it comes in fifteen fashion colours!
} How much would you pay for something this useful?  But wait!  There's
} more!!  If you act today you will also receive...
}
} [loud, overly theatrical thunderclap]
}
} GOD:  'ELLO, 'ELLO, 'ELLO.  WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN?
}
} Oh, um, nothing really.  Just answering a few questions.
}
} GOD:  YOU WOULDN'T BE USING THE HIGH AND MIGHTY OFFICE OF THE ORACLE FOR
}       COMMERCIAL GAIN, WOULD YOU?
}
} Who me?  No, not really.  It's just that...  well, um....  my mother's
} phlebitis is acting up and I needed some extra cash for medicine and I
} thought...
}
} GOD:  IF YOU HAD READ ORACLE.ANNOUNCE.NEWUSERS YOU WOULD KNOW THAT
}       USING THE HIGH AND MIGHTY OFFICE OF THE ORACLE FOR COMMERCIAL
}       GAIN IS A GROSS INFRACTION OF RULE SEVEN.
}
} Yes, I realize that but I figured that in this case...
}
} GOD:  SILENCE.  NOW KNOCK IT OFF OR I'LL STICK YOU BACK IN THE FORTUNE
}       COOKIE FACTORY I FOUND YOU IN.
}
} Yes ma'am.
}
} You owe the Oracle [ominous rumble of thunder] ...  er, that is, the
} Oracle owes you one Chao-Brella(TM), no charge.


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