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Internet Oracularities #920

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920, 920-01, 920-02, 920-03, 920-04, 920-05, 920-06, 920-07, 920-08, 920-09, 920-10


Internet Oracularities #920    (117 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 16:35:59 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   920
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

920  117 votes 8jmEs grBqb 7hAEh buArd 1dBEq kqEo7 uEva6 4cBDp 5jBvp 8lvst
920   3.2 mean  3.5   2.9   3.4   3.0   3.7   2.8   2.3   3.6   3.4   3.4


920-01    (8jmEs dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of wondrous power and stability,
>
> Will you please tell me why it is that when I plan vacation time to do
> improvements on the home, that it ALWAYS turns madingly hot and humid?
> (also as a sidelight, could you please do something about it just for
> me... I'd like the remainder of the week to be just a little more
> comfortable... I really need to get this stuff done)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most of your hominid brethren are merely pathetic when they pick up a
} tool and try to improve their sad little shanties. A few actually are
} capable of doing solid, respectable work. But then there's you.
}
} You are so inept with tools that you threaten the very structure of the
} universe. Others nail things together slightly crooked. You manage to
} make bizarre angles that exert severe strain on the gravimetric lines
} of force that hold stars and planets in their place. Others slip and
} drill holes where they didn't intend them. You plough away with such
} zeal that you stir up tiny eddys in the fabric of reality, little black
} holes that float about, wreaking havoc.
}
} In short, you are a cosmic menace. And this is not news to the powers
} that be.
}
} The universe, just like your grotty little carcass, has an immune
} system. It senses dangerous infections and responds. And whenever you
} leave your house with tools in hand, my little disaster area, the
} universe contracts a fever.
}
} Take the hint, eh? It's been a while since a *really* big asteroid hit
} the Earth. You don't want to give any cosmic entities the idea that
} it's time for another >Aspirin<, now do you?
}
} You owe the Oracle vinyl siding for his temple. No, I insist that you
} pay to have someone else install it.


920-02    (grBqb dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "You are old, Mr. Oracle," the Supplicant said,
> "And your hair has become very white;
> And yet you incessantly stand on your head--
> Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
>
> "In my youth," the Oracle replied to B1FF,
> "I feared it might injure the brain.
> But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
> Why, I do it again and again."
>
> "You are old," said B1FF, "as I mentioned before,
> And have grown most uncommonly fat;
> Yet you turned a back-somersault at the door.
> Are you a lemur?  How'd you do that?"
>
> "In my youth," said the Oracle, as he shook his grey locks,
> "I kept all my limbs very supple
> By the use of this ointment--two shillings a box.
> Allow me to sell you a couple?"
>
> "You are old," said B1FF, "and your jaws are too weak
> For anything tougher than suet;
> Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak--
> Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
>
> "In my youth," said the Oracle, "I took to the law,"
> And argued with Lisa, my wife;
> And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
> Has lasted the rest of my life."
>
> "You are old," said B1FF, "one would hardly suppose
> That your eye was as steady as ever;
> Yet you balanced a woodchuck on the end of your nose--
> What made you so awfully clever?"
>
> "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
> Said the Oracle; "don't give yourself airs!"
> Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
> Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'You are bold, Supplicant,' the Oracle said,
} 'You labour through day and through night
} 'To paraphrase familiar poems by Lear;
} 'Tell me, do you think that is quite right?'
}
} 'You're old hat, Oracle,' the Supplicant said,
} 'Your answers are really a bore;
} 'The strength of my question alone will make this
} 'Oracularity nine-nineteen-four.'
}
} 'Don't count on it, B1FF,' the Oracle said,
} 'You don't know what this Orrie's got;
} 'He's got what it takes, and you're no great shakes,
} 'So to thee, I say "begone!", and ZOT!'
}
} You owe the Oracle a lettuce, o let us, o lettuce leaf.


920-03    (7hAEh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I have been kidnapped by aliens.  Thankfully, they are friendly, and
> are allowing me to use their e-mail.  However, After some of the
> injections they gave me, I can now see through time.  Is this a bad
> thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course it's a good thing; isn't it wonderful?  If you're polite,
} they'll also give you the injections that let you see through parsley,
} sage, and rosemary.
}
} You owe the Oracle the head of Art Garfunkel.


920-04    (buArd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Then along that riverbank
> A thousand miles
> Tattooed cannibals danced in files;
> Then I heard the boom of the blood-lust song
> And a thigh-bone beating on a tin-pan gong.
> And "BLOOD" screamed the whistles and fifes of the warriors,
> "BLOOD" screamed the skull-faced, lean witch-doctors,
> "Whirl ye the deadly voo-doo rattle,
> Harry the uplands,
> Steal all the cattle.
> Rattle-rattle, rattle-rattle,
> Bing.
> Boomlay, boomlay, boomlay, BOOM."
> A roaring epic, the rag-time tune
> From the mouth of the Congo
> To the Mountains of the Moon.
> Death is an elephant,
> Torch-eyed and horrible,
> Foam-flanked and terrible.
> BOOM, kill the Pygmies,
> BOOM, kill the Arabs,
> BOOM, kill the white men.
> Hoo, Hoo, Hoo.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whoa there, Billy Blake.
}
} I think you need to listen again.  Those "warriors" and "witch doctors"
} were screaming "Bud,"  not "BLOOD."
}
} Here's the rest of the ad:
}
} "Whirl we the deadly Spuds McKenzie
} Sell to the kiddies
} with a big frog frenzy
} Rattle, rattle, long-neck bottle,
} Bing.
} Anheuser, Anheuser, Anheuser, BUSCH
} A tasteless beverage, we sell to you
} From the mouth of the Congo
} to the Mountains of the Moon
} Flat as an envelope
} pasteurized and horrible
} foam-topped and terrible
} BUD! Kill the Pilsners
} BUD! Kill the Ales
} BUD! Kill the Weissens
} Hoo, hoo, hoo


920-05    (1dBEq dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *    (__) BBBBBB--EEEEEEE-EEEEEEE-FFFFFFF
> *    /oo\\BB---BB-EE------EE------FF-----\\
> *    \\ / BBBBBB--EEEEEE--EEEEEE--FFFFF-- |
> *     oo  BB---BB-EE------EE------FF----- |
> *         BBBBBB--EEEEEEE-EEEEEEE-FF----- ^
> *          | |                       | |
> *          ^ ^                       ^ ^

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TWELFTH CASE OF "MAD SUPPLICANT DISEASE"
} Scientists, Priests Baffled At Spread Of Mysterious Virus
}
} Bloomington, Indiana (AP) -- Health officials seem stunned and
} frightened at the continuing spread of "mad supplicant disease" on
} the campus of Indiana University.  Today marked the twelfth case of
} the disorder, which bears the scientific name Bovine Stupidascii
} Expulsion (BSE).
}
} "We're very, very concerned about this," said campus BSE specialist
} Stephen Kinzler from his eighteenth-floor office in Lisa Tower, IU's
} newest faculty building.  "Not since the historical 1994 outbreak of
} CLFS - Chronic Lemur FAQ Syndrome - has so much annoyance
} been sent so quicky to the Internet Oracle."
}
} Symptoms of BSE include the creation of ASCII cows, sending of empty
} email, writing bad "fake" versions of well-known poems by
} William Blake or Emily Dickinson, and questions about the
} wood-throwing capacity of certain rodents.  Although most medical
} experts agree the condition is incurable, Kinzler holds out hope.
}
} "The Internet Oracle - the well-known dispenser of omniscient wisdom
} and cheerful good humor - has reported good results with shock
} therapy, using his proprietary 'Staff of Zot'," Kinzler claims.  "We
} would need to conduct further studies, under laboratory conditions,
} but anecdotal evidence does seem to indicate that several
} applications, or 'zots', might help reverse the infection."
}
} The Oracle, whose wisdom is available on the World Wide Web at
} oracle@cs.indiana.edu, declined to comment.


920-06    (kqEo7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most spiff, who could zot a zebra if he felt so inclined, who
> possesses enough restraint as to refrain from erasing lemurs from all
> existance and recent memory....
>
> I had a vision the other night and wish your interpretation.  I've
> heard you dabble in such interpreting and want your expert opinion.
>
> I saw you at a party.  I couldn't tell exactly where, but it looked
> like it might have been at a zoo woodchuck-burning party.  You were
> with Zadoc, Lisa, Darkmage, all the chums.  All of you were really
> drunk, and Zadoc was on the ground passed out with a bottle of Dewar's
> in his hand.  The rest of you had glasses of champagne.  Suddenly, all
> started counting down together...
>
> 10...
> 9...
> 8...
> 7...
> 6...
> 5...
> 4...
> 3...
> 2...
> 1...
> 2000!!
>
> Now, I know enough that if you count down from 10 to 1, after one does
> not come 2000, so I would gather that this is some kind of metaphor?
> Anyway, when you reached 2000, strange things began to happen.  The
> zoo's computer complex exploded abruptly (it was in vision at the top of
> a hill).  Sirens went off saying "Windows has reached a fatal error at
> E00T:23491.  Date does not exist.)  All the cages came open and
> woodchucks ran amok among the group.
>  Suddenly, a rumble was heard.  Above the hill appeared a GIANT
> WOODCHUCK with fangs the size of lemurs.  A scary sight indeed.  All
> screamed, and Zadoc, still on the ground passed out, sucked his thumb.
> The GIANT WOODCHUCK walked toward you (the Oracle), and picked you up
> between his (I saw, it was a he) second and third fingers (paws?
> appendages?) and as soon as he picked you up off the ground, you both
> disappeared.  I woke up in a cold shiver.
>
> Now, oh Oracle most worthy and good-looking, what does this mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You owe the Oracle a visit to your local de-tox centre.


920-07    (uEva6 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include <oracle/grovel.h>
> #include <oracle/more_grovel.h>
> #include <oracle/selfdenouncing.h>
> #include <linux/rules_the_universe.h>
> #include <windows/suck.h>
>
> {
> void main
> }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} #include <supplicant/drivescan.h>
} #include <supplicant/detectlinux.h>
} #include <supplicant/begin.h>
}
} {
} void/erase hard_drive
} }
}
} Drive cleared!
}
} #include <supplicant/owe.txt>
} #vi <supplicant/owe.txt>
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to keep accidental bugs and viruses from
} entering your computer like last time.


920-08    (4cBDp dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh innumerably gifted one, most omniscient one, omnipotent one,
> omni...omni one, whom this ignorant hominid, barely capable of counting
> up to twenty, and this only thanks to and with the help of the abundant
> number of protrusions at the end of its four (?) limbs, is unworthy
> of addressing in the first place, please answer this question:
>
> What happens when spam gets sent to oracle@cs.indiana.edu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it depends on the kind of spam.  On the Biblical philosophy
} (which I invented, by the way) of "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a
} tooth," I have designed an automated system which replies to spam sent
} to my address with appropriate retaliation.  The system is too robust
} to describe briefly, but here are some examples:
}
} SPAM YOU SEND ME       YOUR RESPONSE
}
} "MAKE MONEY FAST" or   All banks in which you have money
} any pyramid scheme     collapse; all of your stocks plummet.
}
} "Luck" chain letter    You slip on a waxed floor and break one bone
}                        for each forwarding address on the letter.
}
} "Sex" chain letter     You are suddenly hit with a sexual
}                        harrassment lawsuit with one plaintiff for
}                        each forwarding address on the letter.
}
} Chain letter for       The garbage collectors mysteriously
} Craig Shergold         stop picking up your trash.
}
} Mrs. Fields'           Every charge on your next credit card statement
} cookie recipe          has the decimal shifted one to the right.
}
} Petitions where the    Your name is placed on every junk-mailing list
} 25th signer must       in the country.  You are subscribed to all
} send a copy to the     existing magazines by the "bill me later" option.
} bad guys
}
} Addition to a mailing  The US Postal Service returns all mail
} list to which I        sent to you to the sender.  When you
} didn't subcribe        complain, their records show nothing wrong.
}
} Scores of ASCII        Your home begins mysteriously smelling of
} pictures of cows       dung.  Nobody can figure out why.
}
} Pictures of            In a rare use of eminent domain, the government
} cans of SPAM           repossesses all of your property and gives it to
}                        pig farmers as part of a pork subsidy package.
}                        Nobody notices.
}
} Green card offers      Your citizenship is revoked, and you are
}                        deported before you can complain.
}
} Any spam with "tell    The IRS starts auditing you every year. Jehovah's
} me" or "tellme" in     Witnesses and Mormons show up at your door day
} the Subject heading    after day.  Your hubcaps are stolen.  A leopard
}                        escapes from the local zoo and roams your
}                        neighborhood.  Pizzas and chinese food which you
}                        did not order are delivered to your door.  The
}                        power company cancels your service.  You discover
}                        that your home has termites.  The state begins to
}                        build a correctional facility next door.  You
}                        lose your sense of smell.  Your job is downsized.
}                        You develop leprosy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a chain letter campaign telling everybody on the
} Internet not to mess with me.


920-09    (5jBvp dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most absolute, beautific, catastrophic, deep, edifying,
> fabulous, gargantuan, humility-inspiring, incredible, just, kind,
> mammoth, nice, opulent, powerful, qu-... qu-... quick (whew, almost
> lost it there), radical, super, technologically-enhanced, unequaled,
> venturous, winsome, xerochoric (yes, you're dry. Can't do much with X),
> yeoman-endowed (priests), zestful answerer of questions (whew, those
> last three were hard!). Please consider my unworthy question:
>
> Now I know my ABCs. Next time, won't you sing with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A is for Absolut, the Vodka I drink.
} B is for bubbles, the ones in the sink.
} C is for cat, the one with the hair.
} D is for dander, the stuff in the air.
} E is for error, those damned messages.
} F is for fault, yours, not MS's.
} G is for graffito, the singular of graffiti.
} H is for hot, which it is in Tahiti.
} I is for invite, that is, "Come on over."
} J is for jagged, like the white cliffs of Dover.
} K is for loser, so deep in debt.
} L is for Lemur, Joel Furr's favorite pet.
} M is for Mafia, who gave you some loans.
} N is for Nick, who will now break your bones.
} O is for "ouch," which you will say.
} P is for pain, Nick gives for no-pay.
} Q is for quick, I am so you said.
} R is for reading my dictionary in dread.
} S is for stuck, I get time to time.
} T is for tenuous, like many a rhyme.
} U is for ululate, a really fun word.
} V is for vocalize, loudly, I heard.
} W is for watching, us from the sky.
} X is for xenophobe, those aliens must die
} Y is for yikes, I am almost done.
} Z is for nothing, 'cause it's the last one.


920-10    (8lvst dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ooh La la!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...C'est Magnifi-que!
} When supplicants whine,
} I zot 'em, then feel fine,
} Oooh-la-lahhh.... Ces't Magnifi-que!"
}       - from Cole Porter's _Can Can_
}
} HI! I'm the Internet Oracle! And right now, for a limited time only,
} you can receive through this special TV offer:
}
}                               The Oracle Does Broadway!
}
} That's right! You can hear me, Orrie, sing your favorite Broadway songs
} in my own inimitable style! Just listen to these:
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} from _Les Miserables_:
}
} "One day more...
}  Another supplicant is questioning,
}  But they forgot to do their grovelling...
}  If Zadoc lets their questions through
}  I guess I'll have to ZOT him too...
}  One day more..."
}
} from _Cats_:
}
} "Memory,
}  All alone at the terminal,
}  I can smile at the old days,
}  There were no woodchucks then..."
}
} from _Guys and Dolls_:
}
} "I got the question, sir,
}  It's from that guy, Joel Furr,
}  Asking 'What should I feed to my new lemur?'
}  ZOT! (Ouch!)
}  ZOT! (Ouch!)..."
}
} from _A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum_:
}
} "Something familiar, something peculiar,
}  Something for everyone,
}  Oracularities!
}  Questions with woodchucks, written by dumb schmucks,
}  Something for everyone,
}  Oracularities!"
}
} from _West Side Story_:
}
} "My Lisa! I just caught a glimpse of my Lisa!
}  She's rarin' and she's ready!
}  She's got her leather teddy
}  on...."
}
} from _Evita_:
}
} "Don't cry for me, Stephen Kinzler.
}  The truth is, I never liked you..."
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}       ....And many, many more!
}
} Order now, through this special TV offer, and you'll also receive
} Kirsten and Maurice Chevalier singing "Thank Heaven for Little Girls"!
}
} Get your copy today! Or I might just have to...
}
} "Send in the clowns...
}  There have to be clowns...
}  ...don't bother.... they're here."
}
} You owe the Oracle _The Compleat Zamfir_.


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