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Internet Oracularities #921

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921, 921-01, 921-02, 921-03, 921-04, 921-05, 921-06, 921-07, 921-08, 921-09, 921-10


Internet Oracularities #921    (116 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 13 Jul 1997 10:15:52 -0500 (EST)

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921  116 votes 9pCue 8eHzg 9qFz5 7pHtc 7juws iBEg5 9vvtg 7lAwk cevEj ggApn
921   3.2 mean  3.1   3.3   3.0   3.1   3.5   2.6   3.1   3.3   3.3   3.2


921-01    (9pCue dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Internet Oracle who is worthy of all our letters.
>
> What is the best color hair for a women to have on her pussy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have never, and I mean NEVER, been so offended by a Supplicant's
} question.  You assume that, somehow, when a human being and a cat
} form a bond, the human *owns* the cat.  (And why a woman, Supplicant?
} Is it possible that you are a sexist as well as a speciesist and a
} human chauvinist?)  Nothing could be further from the truth.  As
} enlightened humans are aware, a cat is a free spirit, and anyone, man
} or woman, that attempts to forcibly change its hair color, is due for a
} surprise. Hmmmmm.... I wonder...
}
} Yes, checking the Oracle archives reveals that, only weeks ago, you
} submitted the question "How many ways are there to skin a cat?".
} This tells me why you've asked your repugnant question, you want ME
} to do your market research, and find out what kind of cat fur is most
} prized by the crowd that's grown too jaded for mink, sable or baby
} seal.  I'm afraid I have no choice: you will be throughly *ZOT*ed
} (allow 2 to 3 weeks for delivery), and your remains will be used
} as skin grafts for rodents maimed by animal testing.
}
} Your heirs and assigns owe the Oracle Bach's Air on the G String.


921-02    (8eHzg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Super neato keen Oracle, whose surfaces come pre-glued, please
> enlighten your humble and fumble fingered supplicant.
>
> What kind of wallpaper should I buy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It doesn't matter.  Just buy the cheapest kind you can find, because
} it's going look like hell when you get it up on the wall anyway.  No
} one can hang wallpaper.  You can read books, go to classes, spend
} hundreds of dollars on equipment and tools, but it won't do you any
} good.  You're going to end up with bubbles, tears, gaps, overlaps,
} misaligned patterns, and a severe departure from verticality that will
} make you think that your house is about to fall into a sinkhole.
} Actually, by the time you're finished you won't *care* if your house
} falls into a sinkhole.  There's nothing like a nice session of
} wallpapering to convince a person that life isn't worth living.
}
} Afterwards, be sure you tell anyone who visits your house, the instant
} they walk in the door, that you have done the wallpapering yourself.
} That way they will pay you lying little compliments on the quality of
} the work ("Is that a *tear*?  It looks like a boa constrictor.  I
} thought it was part of the pattern.") instead of suggesting that you
} sue whomever you hired to do the job.
}
} One last piece of advice:  Never try to hang wallpaper with a spouse,
} lover, good friend, or anyone else you are not prepared to murder at
} three o'clock in the morning when your very last strip of wallpaper,
} the end of that spare roll you knew you wouldn't need but bought just
} to be on the safe side, tears in half and falls down on your head.
} Take it from me. Remember, the Oracle knows all things.
}
} You owe the Oracle some very, very large posters.


921-03    (9qFz5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose brain never hurts, please tell me...
>
> Who is that little dude, and why does he insist on running a jackhammer
> against the inside of my skull?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From "Field Guide to Minor Gods, Goddesses, Spirits and
} Elementals", published by Olympus University Press, price 2 silver
} talents:
}
} Bichus, minor god.
}
} Provenance: Offspring of Juno. Born nine months after
}             Feast of Saturnalia. Juno claims no memory of
}             circumstances of conception, but Bacchus has
}             subsequently been struck by lightening more
}             often than pure chance would suggest.
}
} Appearance: Pale face, bloodshot eyes, lank hair, unkempt.
}
} Habitat:    Dark rooms, gutters.
}
} Distinguishing marks, gestures, calls:
}             Perspires heavily.
}             Frequently holds hands to head.
}             "Omigods, I swear, never again!"
}
} Regalia:    Traditionally, a muffled drum with a peculiarly
}             penetrating beat, but will use anything that can
}             make an unpleasant monotonous noise.
}
} Relatives:  Sislatsirep, green-faced minor goddess. Frequently
}             seen in her company.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new year resolution.


921-04    (7pHtc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a Great Peppered Lake to go with the other one in Utah?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  The Great Salt Lake was formed by the accidental mixing of the
} Great Acid Lake and the Great Base Lake millions of years ago.  Only
} the relatively recent human discovery has turned it into a condiment.
}
} You owe the Oracle a really big pepper grinder.


921-05    (7juws dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O Mighty Oracle, Supreme Protector of our Gastronomical Ideals,
> please explain something to this humble, cringing supplicant.
>       I just came from the grocery store.  In the bakery section, I saw
> packages that were clearly marked, "JUMBO FILLED DONUTS."
>       Where did they get the elephant meat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, my boy, you're all confused.
}
} The donuts aren't filled with Jumbo. They were filled BY Jumbo.
}
} Do not ask The Oracle with WHAT they are filled.


921-06    (iBEg5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise please "tell me"...How do I obtain NT 4.0 training on
> the internet

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Rummages around in debris and pulls out a catalog*
}
} ORACLE UNIVERSITY - FALL 1997 SCHEDULE
}
} Let's see...
}
} CS201   Advanced Batch File Programming for Macintosh   MWF  0900-1000
} CS201L  Lab to Accompany CS201 - Required               MWF  1000-1100
} CS299   Seminar: Wood-chucking Algorithms and the
}         Programmers Who Love Them                       TR   1300-1430
}
} Hmn..  better flip back to the easy stuff...
}
} CS010   Our Friend, the Mouse (NON-CREDIT)              MWF  1000-1100
} CS020   Pointing & Clicking (NON-CREDIT)                MWF  1100-1200
} CS030   Plug & Play Installation (NON-CREDIT)           MWF  1200-1300
} CS031L  Plug & Play, Required Lab (NON-CREDIT)          TR   1000-1200
}
} There?  Would that be what you're looking for?  Oh, and here's one you
} won't want to miss!
}
} CS199   Seminar: "On Hold"; The Psychodynamics of
}         Voice Mail and Technical Support Paradoxes
}         (INTERDISCIPLINARY)                             MW   1900-2030
}
} You owe the Oracle $350 per credit hour.


921-07    (9vvtg dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yittish Oracle, answer question # 1:
> Oracular Oracle,  answer question # 2:
> Mighty Oracle, answer question # 3:
> Omniscient Oracle, answer question # 4:
> Magnificient Oracle, answer question # 5:
> Majestic Oracle, answer question # 6:
> Amaxing Oracle, answer question # 7:
> Better-than-ever Oracle, answer question # 8:
> Oceanographical Oracle, answer question # 9:
> Young and Restless Oracle,  answer question # 10:
>
>      1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
>      2) Which country makes Panama hats?
>      3) From which animal do we get catgut?
>      4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
>      5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
>      6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
>      7) What was King George VI's first name?
>      8) What color is a purple finch?
>      9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
>     10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Many moons.
} 2) This year Banana Repbulic is contracting out to Mexico. Blame NAFTA.
} 3) The same one that gives us "roof rabbit".
} 4) They no longer celebrate it.
} 5) Camel's brand hair brushes are made with real hair.
} 6) Canary birds are named after the islands they are were first found
}    on.
} 7) When 'e was a wee lad, 'is mutha called 'im Georgie, guv'.
} 8) Inside it is mostly red and pink, with some white and lessor colors.
} 9) Chinese gooseberries (now called kiwis) are from New Zealand.
} 10) Several fewer moons.
}
} Pitiful supplicant, you owe the Oracle #1.
} Saddening supplicant, you owe the Oracle #2.
} Supple supplicant, you owe the Oracle #3.
} Wobegone supplicant, you owe the Oracle #4.
} Humble supplicant, you owe the Oracle #5.
} Mortal supplicant, you owe the Oracle #6.
} Tedious supplicant, you owe the Oracle #7.
} Simple supplicant, you owe the Oracle #8.
} Lazy supplicant, you owe the Oracle #9.
} Foolish supplicant, you owe the Oracle #10.
}
} 1) A Mars probe with von Braun's autograph.
} 2) A deadly banana spider in a glass jar.
} 3) A lucky rabbit's foot.
} 4) A round trip Aeroflot ticket to see the May Day parade.
} 5) A nice shaving set.
} 6) A copy of Darwin's _Origin of the Species_
} 7) A statue of Queen Anne.
} 8) A better recipe for pigeon.
} 9) A better advertising campaign for Kiwi produce.
} 10) A lunar probe with JFK's autograph.


921-08    (7lAwk dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Look, Orrie, I need a favour.
>
> I could do with a great bug thunderstorm right over Birmingham, like,
> right now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A bug thunderstorm, eh?  You have something like a plague of locusts in
} mind, I take it.  That's really more Yahweh's line.  My view is that
} being human is torment enough all by itself.  There's no need for us
} Immortals to rub your noses in it.  Still, a bug thunderstorm is well
} within my powers.  Let's do it with some style, though, without the
} gratuitous death and destruction.  For your bug thunderstorm we'll use
} *lightning bugs*! We'll do it at night!  Imagine millions of shimmering
} fireflies fluttering down from the heavens.  This will be a thing of
} beauty, Supplicant, a wonder for the ages!
}
} Now:  which Birmingham?  I wish you Supplicants would be more precise
} about these things.  We have quite a number to choose from:
}      Birmingham, Alabama.  I think we can agree that the citizens of
} this city have put the sins of the Jim Crow era behind them.  They
} deserve to be left in peace.
}      Birmingham, England.  This is really quite a large city.  We would
} need an immense number of lightning bugs to outshine the urban glare.
} Zeus would be on my case like you wouldn't believe for busting the
} Plagues and Pestilences budget.
}      Birmingham, Michigan.  This is an affluent suburban community.
} Any concentration of rich people is of course a good candidate for a
} destructive plague; however, these people already have too much
} pleasure in their lives, and we don't need to encourage their dissolute
} ways by gracing them with our glorious firefly display.
}      Birmingham, Stephen.  The same argument applies to this successful
} author of numerous books about Americas wealthiest families, especially
} since at this time of year he's vacationing in the Hamptons.
}     There are also small communities named Birmingham in at least a
} dozen states.  A lightning bug thunderstorm in these places just
} wouldn't have the impact we're looking for, I'm afraid.
}
} It looks like were going to have to scratch your Birmingham idea,
} Supplicant.  We need just the right location, someplace that will
} really capture the public imagination.  Maybe we can tie in with that
} Pathfinder thingy you humans have up on Mars.  Houston maybe, or Mt.
} Wilson . . . hmm . . . *I've got it!*  I'll do it tonight in:
}
}                       Roswell, New Mexico.
}
} You owe the Oracle an alien breeding facility, complete with aliens.


921-09    (cevEj dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [Beavis and Butthead enter the information age]
>
> Butthead:  Hey Beavis -- check it out!  I stole this e-mail address
>  from Mr. Van Driessen's computer.  It's for some guy named, like, the
>  Oracle, or something.  He can answer all of our questions about
>  whatever we want.  For free.
> Beavis:  So?
> Butthead:  Now all we need to do is ask him a question.
> Beavis:  Let's ask him about chicks... like, how soon before I get
>  some?
> Butthead:  Naw.  We already know you aren't gonna get any.  We
>  need a more difficult question.
> Beavis:  Ummmm... heh-heh ... ummmmmmmm ... heh-heh ...
> Butthead:  Uh, I've got one.  Huh-huh-huh.
> Beavis:  No way, buttknocker.  I've got one.
> Butthead:  Tough, @sswipe.  I'm at the keyboard.
>
> [Butthead begins to type:]
> H ... O ... W   M ... U ... C ... H   W ... O ... O ... D  ...
>
> Beavis:  Heh-heh.  Heh-heh.  You said "wood".
> Butthead:  Oh yeah, I did.  Huh.  Huh-huh-huh.
> Beavis:  Do you think, like, this Oracle dude gets morning wood?
> Butthead:  Uuuuuhh... I dunno.  Depends on his, uh, relationship ...
>  with, like, Lisa, or Michelle, or sumthin'.
> Beavis:  Oh yeah.  Heh-heh-heh.
> Butthead:  He's the MAN.
>
> [Butthead continues typing:]
> ... W ... O ... U ... L ... D ...
>
> Beavis:  Look Buttmunch, that's not how you spell "wood".  I think
>  it's, like, shorter.
> Butthead:  Shut up Dilweed.  It's not THAT "wood".
>
> [Typing again:]
> ... A   W ... O ... O ... D ...
>
> Beavis:  LOOK!  LOOK!  You said "wood" again!  Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
> Butthead:  Beavis, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna have to kick you in
>  the nads.
> Beavis:  No way, Butthead.  I'm gonna kick YOU in the nads.
>  Heh-heh-heh.
>
> [Typing again:]
> ... C ... H ... U ... C ... K   C ... H ... U ... C ... K   I ... F
> A   W ... O ... O ... D ...
>
> Beavis:  LOOK!  LOOK!  You did it again!  Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!!!
> [Butthead kicks Beavis in the groin:]  <CRACK!>  [Beavis finally shuts
> up.]
>
> [Typing again:]
> ... C ... H ... U ... C ... K   C ... O ... U ... L ... D
> C ... H ... U ... C ... K   W ... O ... O ... D?
>
> Beavis [wheezing]:  Hhhhh-hhh-hhh.  "Wood".  Hhhhh-hhh-hhh.  Cool.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Bart turns the TV off:]  *click*
}
} Bart:    I thought "Itchy and Scratchy" was on!
} Lisa:    Bart, you *know* that's only on Thursdays.  Besides, aren't
}          you curious about this mystical Oracle being?
} Bart:    No way, man.  I mean, Beavis and Butthead need to get a life.
}          And who cares about woodchucks?
} Lisa:    Bart, the woodchuck, also known as the groundhog or
}          Marmota monax, is a fascinating rodent closely related
}          to the squirrel.  It is also a burrowing animal,
}          hibernating for several--
} Bart:    Dad, make Lisa shut up!
} Homer:   Lisa, shut up!
} Marge:   Homer!
} Homer:   Doh!
}
} [Doorbell rings, and Lisa opens the door:]
}
} Ned:     Hey-dilly dey-dilly, neighbors!
} Bart and Homer:   Doh!
} Ned:     What'cha doin?
} Lisa:    I was telling Bart about woodchucks.
} Ned:     Woodchucks?  What's a woodchuck?
} Lisa:    The woodchuck, also known as the groundhog or Marmota monax,
}          is a fascinating rodent--
} Marge:   Lisa, shut up!
} Bart (to Homer):  Yeah, man!
}
} [Krusty enters through the kitchen:]
}
} Krusty (muttering and stumbling):  I can't find any more beer...
} Homer:   [belches].  Not anymore.  Hey!  Why are you looking for my
}          beer?
} Krusty:  Wha--  This isn't my house!
}
} [Krusty leaves through the front door.]
}
} Lisa:    As I was saying, the woodchuck is a burrowing animal.  In
}          fact, the volume of an average woodchuck's burrow is 6860
}          cubic inches, meaning that if a woodchuck could chuck as
}          much wood as dirt for the burrow, a woodchuck could chuck--
}
} [Oracle turns the TV off:]  *click*
}
} You owe the Oracle a better cable TV package.


921-10    (ggApn dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O Galaxy-Spanning Oracle, Knower of Deep Secrets, please
> enlighten this humble supplicant with Your mighty wisdom.
>       Why is it that, whenever someone claims to have been abducted by
> Little Green Men from Planet X, the "abductee" always claims to have
> been "anally probed?"  Are these "aliens" just a bunch of horny
> hillbillies from outer space ("Squeal like a pig!  Soo-eee!")?  Or is
> there something more, ahem, Freudian going on?
>       Enlighten me, pretty please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course it's not Freudian, you silly supplicant you. It's just
} that the Little Green Men from Planet X were informed that the
} earthlings' leaders invariably speak out of their backsides.
} They're just trying to make contact, that's all.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Clinton enema.


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