[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 5:07:18 GMT

Internet Oracularities #922

Goto:
922, 922-01, 922-02, 922-03, 922-04, 922-05, 922-06, 922-07, 922-08, 922-09, 922-10


Internet Oracularities #922    (110 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 18 Jul 1997 09:49:14 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   922
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

922  110 votes ssyh3 fDzh4 lyqib sznh7 ibqyl kiAme cpqvg 2buvA krskf keAnh
922   2.9 mean  2.4   2.6   2.7   2.5   3.3   2.9   3.1   3.8   2.8   3.0


922-01    (ssyh3 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which C++ compiler is the best one if you want to be able to port the
> source to Unix later on? Is DirectX worth using, if you're going to
> port to Unix anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} C'mon, pal, get with it.  All the money's in COBOL these days.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fat Y2K contract, at $140 an hour.


922-02    (fDzh4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle...
>
> Why is it that some of your replyers will insist on quoting the
> original message in the answer, thus returing the original question
> twice.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I see you've noticed our new Temple-wide Quality Initiative.  It
} was designed to ensure to you, the supplicant, that the question you
} asked was, in fact, the question answered by the incarnation.  In
} addition, this new service is provided at no additional cost to you.
} This is just a small example of our ongoing commitment to Total Quality
} and customer service, going forward.  Rest assured, we will continue to
} improve our service to you as long as you continue to choose us as your
} question-answering service.
}
} Sincerely,
}
} T. I. Oracle
}
} P.S. You owe the Oracle anything written by Scott Adams.


922-03    (lyqib dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yeah man, I tell ya what, man...That dang ol' Internet, man...You just
> go on there and point and click... Talk about W-W-dot-W-com... An'
> lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man... Click. Click. ClickClickClick...
> It's real easy man.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not gonna work, Bill........


922-04    (sznh7 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me... What is so fascinating about a woman's crotch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nothing. Nothing at all.
}
} You owe the Oracle all back issues of Playboy, and Textbook of
} Pathology of the Female Genital Tract, 3rd edition.


922-05    (ibqyl dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the fastest road to fame for a woman without money?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interstate 40 to Little Rock.
}
} You owe the Oracle a distinguishing mark.


922-06    (kiAme dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 555-3176?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} -2621
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent groveling including the words "pocket
} calculator"


922-07    (cpqvg dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy has this job got easier since I had the soundproofing installed!
}
} You owe the Oracle a pin to drop.


922-08    (2buvA dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle!
>
> Who can checkmate YHWH in less than four moves...
>
> Who regularly has the lowest score when golfing with Moses and Jesus...
>
> Who could beat up Allah even if he DID try to bite off your ears...
>
> ... I've got a problem. A few hours ago, I met this gorgeous lady at a
> local club, and after several extremely exciting slow dances and some
> of the most interesting, funny, wonderful conversation I've ever had
> with ANYONE, she agreed to come back to my place.
>
> As I was getting some drinks, she put some slow, cool jazz on the
> stereo and said she had to run to the bathroom to "freshen up". I
> finished pouring the wine, and started back to the living room,
> thanking all the gods for my incredible luck. And that's when things
> went wrong...
>
> Normally, to get from my kitchen to my living room, I have to go west,
> then north. I was so blinded with lust, however, that I accidentally
> went west, then SOUTH! Next thing I know:
>
> I am in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
>
> I am carrying the following:
>
>         a lantern (lit)
>         two glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon
>         a wallet
>
> The wallet contains:
>
>         a five dollar bill
>         a three-year-old condom
>         a credit card (maxed out)
>
> How can I get out of here, and back to the girl of my dreams?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, you're in quite a fix.  I believe that the way out is:
} west, west, north, west, south, west, north, east--now you're in a
} larger room, with XYZZY spray-painted on the north wall.
}       Examine the south wall.  You'll find a very small button and a
} hole.  Don't bother pressing the button, it just dispenses Babel Fish,
} and you don't have time for that, because your lantern will go out
} soon, and then you're likely to be eaten by a grue.  Anyway, there's a
} seam in the wall, left of the button.  Use your credit card to pry open
} the secret door.
}       Go south through the secret door; you'll notice that it's less of
} a maze and more of a cave.  Soon your sword will begin to shimmer,
} glowing with a pale blue radiance--uh oh.  You don't have a sword.
} Well, when you meet the troll, give him the wine, and put the condom on
} your head like Howie Mandel.  This is just the sort of lowbrow
} entertainment that trolls love; it'll help if you can quack like Donald
} Duck, too. While the troll is giggling helplessly, tiptoe past him,
} through the narrow passageway.
}       Now go north, then east.  You should be back in your kitchen.
}       You owe the Oracle that five-dollar bill.


922-09    (krskf dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise, all-knowing, and eternal Oracle, at whose beck and call all
> life must remain, to whose whim the whole universe depends on to exist,
> tell me:
>
> What is the ultimate form of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silicon.


922-10    (keAnh dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the sky blue?
> Why does the sun come up in the east and not the west?
> Why can't I reach that place in the small of my back where it itches?
> Why doesn't Nightmare Ned OD on NoDoz and never fall asleep again?
> Why won't my insurance pay for SRS?
> Will SRS improve my love life?
> Will my love life improve?
> Will you prove my life?
> Why do pilots say roger?
> Why do I watch Mr. Rogers?
> Will you fix my watch?
> How do planes fly?
> How does Superman fly?
> Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
> What is a walk through?
> Can I walk though a wall?
> How does a can walk?
> Can a can be leash trained?
> Why does the only Scotsman in 'Highlander' play a Spaniard?
> Isn't he really an Egyptian?
> How did the Egyptians build the pyramids?
> Did aliens help them?
> Are aliens out there?
> Is THE TRUTH out there?
> What is THE TRUTH?
> When will we know?
> When will this list end?
> Why didn't I stop there?
> What's My problem?
> What the answer?
> Who?
> What?
> Where?
> When?
> Why?
> How?
> How Much?
> How much wood would a w--dchuck chuck if a w--dchuck could chuck wood?
> How much mix would a mixer mix if a mixer could mix mix?
> How many bats would a batter bat if a batter could bat bats?
> How can I get my batting average up?
> How can I get my math average up?
> How can I avoid math?
> How will math help me?
> Will you help me?
> How do you spell help?
> How do you cast a spell?
> What is the complete cast of Les Mis?
> Will Gen. Halftrack ever catch Ms. Buxley?
> What is half a track?
> Can you track only half?
> Will I ever stop?
> Will they end up taking me away?
> Where will they take me?
> Where is the funny farm?
> Who is Napoleon III?
> Was Napoleon ill?
> Am I ill?
> Are You?
> RU?
> R2D2?
> C D Puppies?
> Would you please answer my questions Oh Oracle most wise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because its girlfriend just left it.
} It doesn't want to confuse you.
} Because you're not a chimpanzee.
} Because OD'ing on NoDoz would kill him.
} Because paying for Some Real Sex amounts to prostitution, which is
}   illegal.
} Wouldn't you like to know?
} Nope, sorry.
} Only you can prove your life--look up Descartes.
} In honor of their greatest hero, Roger Ramjet.
} Simple pleasures for simple minds.
} No, but you _could_ start running west, really, really fast.
} By flapping their arms and thinking of Victoria Principal's little
}   sister, Bernoulli.
} If you wore pants that tight, you'd fly too.
} It wouldn't matter what you called it, it wouldn't come.
} It's sort of like a doorway, but it's not.
} Sure!  Give it a try!
} On its little legs.
} No, but it can be freight trained.
} It's called "creative casting."
} No, he isn't.
} They used Acme Instant Pyramid (just add water).
} Yeah, Jose and Enrico helped them.
} Sure, East Los Angeles is FULL of them.
} Yes, it is.
} That "THE TRUTH" is a figment of a writer's imagination--shh, it's a
}   secret.
} When you get this reply from Me.
} Not soon enough, that much is certain.
} It's genetic.
} See above; it has to do with inbreeding.
} Flossing is the answer.
} Me, the Internet Oracle.
} A thunderbolt.
} You're sitting on the spot marked "X."
} Immediately.
} Because I'm annoyed.
} At the speed of light.
} Until nothing remains.
} Two cords an hour until I <ZOT!> both of you.
} This question is the offspring of a demon and a woodchuck.
} So is this one; you need an exorcism, quickly.
} Bribe the kid who keeps the records.
} By turning off your computer.
} By showing you just how many Big Macs to make when you have to make
}   three orders at once.
} Sure I will.
} Z, O, T.
} I get Zeus to do that magic stuff for me--he's more flashy than I am.
} Me, Lisa, Zadoc, Darkmage, Zeus, Kirsten Chevalier; guest-starring Joel
}   Furr as "Lemur Boy," and Joann Worley as AOLisa.
} Nope.  Sad, isn't it?
} It's sort of a horseshoe shape.
} Yes; it's twice as easy, in fact.
} Definitely.
} Not if I can <ZOT!> you first.
} Away from that computer, I hope.
} Look around you.
} He was Emperor of France and Protector of Mexico in the 1870s, until he
}   made the mistake of declaring war on Prussia.
} When he got deposed, he was.
} I'd have to say, yes.
} Not yet, but I'm getting there.
} No, I'm not R. U. Sirius.
} C3PO.
} No, I don't see any puppies.
} Yes, I'd answer your questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a list of reasons _not_ to <ZOT!> you.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org