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Internet Oracularities #923

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923, 923-01, 923-02, 923-03, 923-04, 923-05, 923-06, 923-07, 923-08, 923-09, 923-10


Internet Oracularities #923    (105 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 22 Jul 1997 09:04:46 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   923
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

923  105 votes aruqc 8jDu9 oAud2 symg5 bqtrc ckvrf aiLn7 9mtyb boAoa 5huwl
923   3.0 mean  3.0   3.1   2.4   2.4   3.0   3.1   3.0   3.2   3.0   3.4


923-01    (aruqc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most ladylike, can you tell me 101 uses for old pantyhose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, trying to recapture the success of 883-10 (8dovJ 3.8), which was
} also written by this incarnation? Nice try, but everybody knows that
} there are only 51 really good uses for old pantyhose.
}
}    1. Filtering Lake Erie.
}    2. Put new pantyhose on over your old pantyhose.
}    3. More capacious than produce bags at the grocery store.
}    4. Sell them to convicted felons for eight cigs per leg.
}    5. Leave them in the church donation basket.
}    6. Put them on your robot, call it "Samantha".
}    7. Try, just try, to give them away in Tehran.
}    8. "old pantyhose" anagrams to say "deathly spoon".
}    9. You can also spell "penalty hoods", if you want.
}   10. Return them for your money back. "But one leg is shorter!"
}   11. Rub them with polyetheline for that "ghost leg" effect. (MG)
}   12. Fill the old eggs with jellybeans.
}   13. Bookmarks in the yellow pages. ("Let pantyhose do the walking.")
}   14. Return library books wrapped in old pantyhose.
}   15. Men: Hang them in the shower for that "got a girlfriend" look.
}   16. See whether anyone really knows what "taupe" is.
}   17. Put a crucifix inside each leg, make Jerry Falwell really mad.
}   18. Name your old pairs "Frankenberry" and "Count Chocula".
}   19. Wear them over your face, get free beer at the All-Nite Market!
}   20. Use pool sealant to make them watertight; fill them with bourbon.
}   21. Mail them to Ted Kaczynski. He'll be grateful.
}   22. Wear them in your sleep, and you'll have silly dreams.
}   23. Cut off the feet. Claim you're making a political statement.
}   24. Put old pantyhose on the Venus de Milo.
}   26. Ask how many pair you could trade in for a new Peugeot.
}   27. Paint the knees blue, keep wearing them.
}   28. Make a two-legged windsock.
}   29. Make a suit out of old pantyhose. Wear it to the Oscars.
}   30. Experiment: Put food in one leg, swallow it, pull it up later.
}   31. Bet you thought I forgot number 25, didn't you.
}   32. Take them back in time 50 years. Make a fortune selling them.
}   33. Ask Stephen King to write a novel about haunted pantyhose.
}   34. Refuse to touch another keyboard except through nylon.
}   35. Unravel them, and learn how to make your own.
}   36. Mail them to Ellen, beg her to wear them.
}   37. Draw a world map on them, wear them to Geography class.
}   38. Use a felt pen to draw a seam on the back, like they used to have.
}   39. Use old pantyhose to tie up your sweetheart for a special evening.
}   40. Makes a great hockey puck. Oh, wait. That was the year-old tuna.
}   41. Send it to your friends in Calcutta and Ho Chi Minh City.
}   42. Parachutes can be made of nylon. Try skydiving.
}   43. Complain that they don't make your legs feel energized anymore.
}   44. Someday, "pantyhose" will be seen as this century's silliest idea.
}   45. Except for "The Macarena", of course.
}   46. Hide old pantyhose in your friend's Sousaphone.
}   47. [Item 47 is classified "Confidential" by the US Air Force.]
}   48. Open a fast food restaurant. Give them away in the kids' meals.
}   49. Put your kittens into them. Your cats will hate it!
}   50. Wrap the phone to disguise your voice. (It works in the movies.)
}   51. Go without pantyhose. See who notices.
}
} You owe the Oracle two pair of "suntan", size medium.


923-02    (8jDu9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, it's one of those Jeopardy things where I get to make the
} question. So, here goes:
}
} 1. Are you going to grovel and ask a question?
} 2. Are you going to get lucky this weekend?
} 3. Did you pass that STD test?
} 4. Has your IQ risen to double digits yet?
} 5. Did you finally stop beating your wife?
} 6. What is the last name of that famous Doctor in the James Bond movie?
} 7. You want fires with that?
} 8. What does Hillary say to Bill every night?
} 9. Have you ever made it to the Oracularities?
} 10. What should you just say to Nancy Regan?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Yes.


923-03    (oAud2 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Oracle,
>
> Please explain webtv to me. It seems to rile strong feelings.
>
> Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Plug in a webtv, and you will be sent down naked into the fifth circle
} of hell! The one with all the very angry wasps and hornets.
}
} You have been warned!
}
} (Note to Philips/Magnavox lawyers - Not really)


923-04    (symg5 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the difference between a question with no answer and the annual
> report of Lockheed-Martin Corporation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About a cord an hour.


923-05    (bqtrc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> if thou art so wise..
> what is my question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Badly formed haiku,
} Wrong number of syllables.
} Better luck next time.


923-06    (ckvrf dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Splendiferous Oracle, who can prevent computers from
> crashing just by being in the same room with them, who has beaten
> every adventure game ever made (usually within minutes), who can
> chug a bottle of Dave's Insanity Sauce(tm), follow it up with an
> entire box of Altoids(tm), and then _*smile*_, why aren't there any
> questions about text-based adventure games anymore?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I see no text-based adventure here.
}
} You owe the Oracle 69 zorkmids and a xyzzy.


923-07    (aiLn7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most 'netted, guru of all that is connected, whose
> packets I am not fit to route,
>
> Usenet and e-mail should be plain text in my opinion. HTML and
> proportional fonts have no place there. My question is, am I waving
> the flag for reason and decency or being a HTMLuddite? Am I
> upholding standards or being a crusty old curmudgeon? Is it
> striving for a better net or resisting the inevitable?
>
> It's giving me gas. Please help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I agree with you wholeheartedly.Unfortunately, there are a lot of
} <STRONG>complete idiots</STRONG> out there who insist on boneheadedly
} assuming that everyone must be using the latest and
} &quot;greatest&quot; browser to do everything Internet-related.Me, I
} don't make such boneheaded assumptions: being omniscient<fnord>, I
} <EM>know</EM> that everyone who counts is using Netscape 5.2 or higher
} to walk their pets and bake calzones.Yo u owe me a promise that you'll
} enter the <A HREF="timewarp://1997/July.month"> 20th century</A>.


923-08    (9mtyb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o great oracle, who surely knows teh answer to anything,  i have a
> humble request...
>
> why do people want to get more hits on their web pages?
> i mean, getting more hits just means an overloaded web server, meaning
> they have to get a better computer, thus spending more money, and so
> on... so why do they do it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, it's in the hope that if they can't get hit on, at
} least their web pages can.
}
} You owe the Oracle a date.


923-09    (boAoa dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who has such great taste he managed to avoid disco the first
> time around,
> Tell me, is musical theater a valid art form?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Rather than quote from a randomly generated essay created by the
} Postmodernism Generator (Don't you have yours yet?  It's part of the
} Emperor Norton Utilities!), I shall answer with an honest Oracular
} opinion.
}       No.
}       Only slutty women and gay men actually enjoy musical theater.
} The rest of the human race can't stand it.
}       Whether it's comedy, tragedy, suspense, or drama, watching the
} major characters break unexpectely into song destroys the mood utterly.
} Musical theater is inherently stupid.
}       Wait a minute--most modern art is inherently pretty stupid, too.
} Pictures that don't represent anything, sculptures that don't represent
} anything--hmm...
}       Okay, musical theater is a valid art form.  It's still stupid,
} though.
}       You owe the Oracle the musical score from "Grease," written on
} the back of a painting by Jackson Pollock and wrapped around a statue
} that looks like a big bronze pretzel having an epileptic fit.


923-10    (5huwl dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great, wise Oracle, grovel, grovel, grovel,
>
> When is the Oracle help file being updated to recommend that
> incarnations reply with extremely long, extensive answers that take
> forever to write, instead of recommending short answers, which are
> less likely to make the Oracularities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Never.


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