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17 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:58:44 GMT

Internet Oracularities #925

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925, 925-01, 925-02, 925-03, 925-04, 925-05, 925-06, 925-07, 925-08, 925-09, 925-10


Internet Oracularities #925    (102 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 31 Jul 1997 08:08:10 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   925
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

925  102 votes cCrdc cpuob 9hyz7 ixpga 6lEq9 2bBFb lhpof cnvjh bmktk gtwh8
925   3.0 mean  2.8   3.0   3.1   2.7   3.1   3.5   3.0   3.1   3.2   2.7


925-01    (cCrdc dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@brisbane.sgi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh oracle most mathematical and wise,
>
> what are mixed motives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Mixed motives are what you get when you cross sane motives with
} loco motives.
}       Choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo
} choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo
} choo choo choo choo choo!
}       Whoo!  Whoo!


925-02    (cpuob dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To:  The Oracle Singles Dating Service
> Subj:  Woman seeking Man
>
> Hi!  My name is Jackie, and I may be the Ms. Right you're looking for!
> I'm 5'4" tall, 144 pounds (it's all where it counts, baby!).  I don't
> smoke, social drinker, no kids.  I have a college degree, and am a
> professional.  My likes are writing, photography, and the Internet
> Oracle.  My turn offs are closed-mindedness, bigotry, hatred, and
> people who respond to my Oracle questions with wit and wisdom rivaling
> a kindergartner.  If you're willing to share special times, romantic
> walks, and... oh yeah, be my Master and teach me how to be sexually
> submissive to you in every way, please respond to Oracle Match-Box
> #2473

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm, how did I get this? I'll have to look at that server software.
} Well, in the mean time personal ads are fun to translate. Let's see
} what this one really says, OK kids?
}
} > > Hi!  My name is Jackie,
}
} Translation: Hi! My name is Jack
}
} > > and I may be the Ms. Right you're looking for!
}
} Assuming you're looking for a cross-dresser...
}
} > > I'm
} > > 5'4" tall, 144 pounds
}
} I'm short and fat...
}
} > > (it's all where it counts, baby!).
}
} (I mean _REALLY_ fat! I don't have a waist, I have an event horizon!)
}
} > > I don't smoke,
}
} I smoke
}
} > > social drinker,
}
} society makes me drink, it's not my fault..
}
} > > no kids.
}
} My one brat is all I can deal with.
}
} > > I have a college degree,
}
} I wasn't able to find a husband before I got my psych degree...
}
} > > and am a professional.
}
} and I'm hooking to make ends meet...
}
} > > My
} > > likes are writing, photography,
}
} Oh, wait, that should read "writing pornography"
}
} > > and the Internet Oracle.
}
} But who doesn't like the Internet Oracle?
}
} > > My turn offs are
} > > closed-mindedness, bigotry, hatred, and people who respond to my
} > > Oracle questions with wit and wisdom rivaling a kindergartner.
}
} That was some fluff to scare off the real FREAKS.
}
} > > If you're willing to
} > > share special times, romantic walks, and...
}
} Conjugal visits...
}
} > > oh yeah, be my Master and teach
} > > me how to be sexually submissive to you in every way,
}
} Because I've always wanted to be on the Ricky Lake show! (I'm the only
} one left in the trailer park who hasn't been on it!)
}
} > > please respond to
} > > Oracle Match-Box #2473
}
} C/O Fulsom prision, Cell block D
}
} You owe the Oracle tickets to the Ricky Lake show you'll be appearing
} on.


925-03    (9hyz7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Orrie!
>
>       Are you pondering what I'm pondering???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but where are we going to get rubber pants, a portable generator,
} four gallons of distilled water, floral foam, a straw cowboy hat, one
} of those paintings of poker-playing dogs, a stick of butter, a 10-amp
} fuse, popsicle sticks, a birdbath, a tape measure, flippers, those
} little silver cake decoration thingies, a spatula, a clown suit, two
} cantelopes, a miniature replica of the Washington monument with a
} themometer on it, a ream of legal paper, pine tree car fresheners, a
} vat of bannana pudding, two boxes of Junior Mints and a swizzle stick
} at this hour?
}
} You owe the Oracle all of the above.


925-04    (ixpga dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> Do French people really talk like this?
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Mon cher Jack,
>
> Je suis a bit fromaged off avec votre decision to blow up La Pacifique
> avec le Frog bombes nuclears. Je reckon vous must have un spot in La
> Belle France itself pour les explosions. Le Massive Central? Le Quay
> d'Orsay? Le Champs Elysees? Votre own back yard, peut etre?
>
> Frappez le crows avec stones, Sport! La guerre cold est fini! Votres
> forces militaire need la bombe atomique about as beaucoup as poisson
> need les bicyclettes.
>
> Un autre point, cobber. Votre histoire militaire isn't tres flash,
> consisting, n'est-ce pas, of battailles the likes of Crecy, Agincourt,
> Poitiers, Trafalgar, Borodino, Waterloo, Sedan et Dien Bien Phu. Un
> bombe won't change le tradition. Je/mon pere/mon grandpere/le cousin
> third avec ma grandmere/la plume de ma tante fought avec votre soldats
> against Le Boche in WWI (le Big One). Have vous forgotten?
>
> Reconsider, mon ami, otherwise in le hotels et estaminets de
> l'Australie le curse ancients d'Angleterre - "Damnation to the French"
> will be heard un autre temps.
>
> Votre chums don't want that.
>
> Millo

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Usually it's only the less intelligent one's who mangle the heady
} language of Beaumarchais or Moliere in a manner such as that you
} demonstrate.
}
} On the other hand, all Quebequois speak like that. Which is why they
} are so protective of their language.


925-05    (6lEq9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> BILLUM PORTAE NECARE VOLO

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, supplicant. You seek to test the Oracle's knowledge of obscure
} languages without first groveling before me. For this I should ZOT
} you, but I'm feeling especially indulgent today (but don't push it).
}
} The sentence actually has two translations, the first coming from
} a rather archaic latin dialect:
}
}         "the bill for your dead Volvo"
}
} which is, of course, an anachronism, because Volvos did not exist
} while that dialect was in use. You must therefore be seeking the
} second, somewhat more arcane translation from the language of the
} Portuguese hill people:
}
}         "Help, my caps-lock key is stuck."
}
} I suggest you pry it up with a bent paper clip.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ROT13 plug-in for Eudora Light.


925-06    (2bBFb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Wonderous Oracle, who has more e-mail accounts than the
> Easter Bunny,
>
> What is Santa Claus up to these days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SANTA CLAUS SPENDS OFF MONTHS RAISING MONEY
} "Sometimes I Wonder If It's All Worth It," Depressed Saint Nick Cries
}
} NORTH POLE -- Jolly Old Saint Nicholas isn't very jolly these days.
} He's spending most of his time working and saving money, knowing that
} he will have an incredible urge to spend it all on little children
} come next December.
}
} "Call me Obsessive-Compulsive," Santa told Oracle reporters, "but
} it's just something I feel I have to do.  Every year, I use my mystic
} powers to deliver gifts to all the good little Christian boys and
} girls."
}
} Saint Nicholas goes through this giving ritual once a year on
} December 25, according to sources.  He claims to use the aid of nine
} reindeer and a flying sleigh to get from house to house.  He also
} claims to have incredible control over the laws of space and time.
}
} "Relavistic time distortion my right buttock," Santa declared after
} being quoted the basics of Einstein's theory of relativity.  "I do
} it, and when I'm done, it's ten minutes later, not ten centuries."
}
} Santa makes most of his money from shopping mall appearances.  "I
} travel back in time to last Christmas all year, appearing at malls
} and retail outlets across the country.  It gets very tedious and very
} tiresome, but I get to see firsthand all the good little boys and
} girls."
}
} He also has special contractual deals with rich entities.  "Michael
} Jordan is a big client," Nick indicated.  "I sell him the elixir I
} use to allow myself to fly.  Of course, he doesn't take nearly such
} large doses."
}
} Santa also plays a big role in military operations.  "The Air Force
} uses me and my sleigh to represent unusual enemy forces in training
} missions.  I throw lumps of coal at their cockpit windows with
} incredible accuracy."  Adds Santa, "I haven't taken a hit yet."
}
} Santa's life isn't all nose against the grindstone, however.  "Most
} people don't seem to realize that if I can see all the bad things
} little girls and boys do, I also get to see all the bad things
} Elisabeth Shoe and Jenny McCarty do.  And let me tell you, they've
} been really naughty.  I'm considering hand-delivering their coal to
} them next season."


925-07    (lhpof dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh innumerably gifted one, most omniscient one, omnipotent one,
> omni...omni one, whom this ignorant hominid, barely capable of counting
> up to twenty, and this only thanks to and with the help of the abundant
> number of protrusions at the end of its four (?) limbs, is unworthy
> of addressing in the first place, please answer this question:
>
> What happens when spam gets sent to oracle@cs.indiana.edu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it depends on the kind of spam.  On the Biblical philosophy
} (which I invented, by the way) of "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a
} tooth," I have designed an automated system which replies to spam sent
} to my address with appropriate retaliation.  The system is too robust
} to describe briefly, but here are some examples:
}
} SPAM YOU SEND ME      YOUR RESPONSE
}
} "MAKE MONEY FAST" or  All banks in which you have money
} any pyramid scheme    collapse; all of your stocks plummet.
}
} "Luck" chain letter   You slip on a waxed floor and break one bone
}                       for each forwarding address on the letter.
}
} "Sex" chain letter    You are suddenly hit with a sexual
}                       harrassment lawsuit with one plaintiff for
}                       each forwarding address on the letter.
}
} Chain letter for      The garbage collectors mysteriously
} Craig Shergold        stop picking up your trash.
}
} Mrs. Fields'          Every charge on your next credit card statement
} cookie recipe         has the decimal shifted one to the right.
}
} Petitions where the   Your name is placed on every junk-mailing list
} 25th signer must      in the country.  You are subscribed to all
} send a copy to the    existing magazines by the "bill me later" option.
} bad guys
}
} Addition to a         The US Postal Service returns all mail
} mailing list to       sent to you to the sender.  When you
} which I didn't        complain, their records show nothing wrong.
} subscribe
}
} Scores of ASCII-      Your home begins mysteriously smelling
} like cow pictures     of cow's dung.  Nobody can figure out why.
}
} Pictures of           In a rare use of eminent domain, the government
} cans of SPAM          repossesses all of your property and gives it to
}                       pig farmers as part of a pork subsidy package.
}                       Nobody notices.
}
} Green card offers     Your citizenship is revoked, and you are
}                       deported before you can complain.
}
} Any spam with "tell   The IRS starts auditing you every year.  Jehovah's
} me" or "tellme" in    Witnesses and Mormons show up at your door day
} the Subject heading   after day.  Your hubcaps are stolen.  A leopard
}                       escapes from the local zoo and roams your
}                       neighborhood.  Pizzas and chinese food which you
}                       did not order are delivered to your door.  The
}                       power company cancels your service.  You discover
}                       that your home has termites.  The state begins to
}                       build a correctional facility next door.  You
}                       lose your sense of smell.  Your job is downsized.
}                       You develop leprosy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a chain letter campaign telling everybody on the
} Internet not to mess with me.


925-08    (cnvjh dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                 Tomblin, Purdy, pir, Young, and Pederson
>                          System Administrators
>                        nospam@kill_the_spam.*com
>
> TO:                                   FROM:
> Internet Oracle                       alt.sysadmin.recovery and
>                                       alt.tech-support.recovery
>                                       contributors
> oracle@cs.indiana.edu                 news:alt.sysadmin.recovery
>                                       news:alt.tech-support.recovery
>
> Sir:
>
> It have come to our attention that you have been in possession of a
> restricted weapon of great LART potential.
>
> Use of Luser Attitude Readjustment Tools (LART's) have been
> restricted to charter posters of moderated Internet newsgroups
> alt.sysadmin.recovery, alt.tech-support.recovery and non-posting system
> administrators, news administrators, web(Internet) administrators,
> and technical support people by the Geneva convention of 1887.
>
> More over, usage of weapons in which chemical element "ZOT" is present,
> such as Staff of ZOT, ZOT Cannon, and Great LARTing ZOT Machine Gun,
> have been specifically restricted by international treaty of Zalzburg
> of 1982 of which State of Indiana is a signee. In chapter 7, paragraph
> 3, sub-paragraph C it is explicitly stated that:
>
>   "Usage of Staff of ZOT, or any modifications, such as Rapid Firing
>    Stuff of ZOT, or Shoulder Mounted Stuff of ZOT should be
>    administered only by qualified personnel and only onto Certified
>    Computer Lusers"
>
> In paragraph 2, subparagraph A of the 2nd Amendment it is stated that
> "qualified personnel" is:
>
>   "Any posters of moderated Internet newsgroups alt.sysadmin.recovery,
>    alt.tech-support.recovery and non-posting system administrators,
>    news administrators, web(Internet) administrators, and computer
>    technical support people are considered as the only personnel
>    qualified for handling any weapons of LART potential higher then 7
>    megaLARTs, including the LART's utilizing ZOT as an integral part
>    of their design".
>
> In accordance to the Zalzburg Treaty, the LART potential of Staff of
> ZOT exceeds the safe 7 megaLARTs, and is 9.5 megaLARTs
>
> We are charging Internet Oracle with the following offenses:
>
>   o  Usage of restricted LART
>
>   o  Usage of a LART with LART potential of 9.5 megaLARTs by personnel
>      that is not qualified to handle LART of such potency
>
>   o  Usage of LART which uses ZOT chemical element in it's integral
>      design on subjects that are not qualified as Certified Computer
>      Lusers, such as woodchucks, supplicants, and Zadoc.
>
> The above offenses are punished by repeated subjection to ZOT Cannon
> with LART potential of 12.3 megaLARTs for the duration of 10 LARTings,
> or to subjection to 5 !plonk!'s at the choice of the offender.
>
> We have taken into consideration your usage of Staff of ZOT on Bill
> Gates, and decided that a following amendment to the sentence would be
> in order:
>
>    Please cease usage of Staff of ZOT, and return it to armory of
>    alt.sysadmin.recovery or become a "qualified person" as stated in
>    paragraph 2, subparagraph A of the 2nd Amendment within 24 hours or
>    the above sentence will be carried out.
>
> Peter (pir) Radiclif, Head Administrator
> [Signed]
>
> Sean B. Purdy   Eric L. Pederson   Paul Tomblin   Alister J. R. Young
> [Signed]        [Signed]           [Signed]       [Signed]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sirs:
}
}       I draw your attention to paragraph 2, subparagraph A of the 2nd
} Amendment:  "....and computer technical support people are considered as
} the only personnel qualified for handling any weapons of LART ..."  I
} also wish to point out the definition of "computer technical support
} people"  as defined by The Bylaws of The Committee for Preserving the
} Sanity Of Help Line Staffers (CoPSOHLS):
}
} "A computer technical support person is anyone who fields insipid
} computer related questions from the generally clueless in the course of
} their regular work day.  This may include, but is not limited to, help
} line staffers, your brother-in-law, the grad student unlucky enough to
} be in the computer lab right now, and the guy in the office who bothered
} to take five minutes to learn the stupid machine.  Insipid questions may
} include, but are not limited to, "How do I exit Windows?",  "Should I
} save this report?",  "How do I print this?", and "I just formatted my C:
} drive, and I had no backup copies.  Is this bad?"
}
} Now, if you realize that many of my incarnations are at work, and that
} the vast majority of the questions I receive are insipid, (" HEY D00D,
} WHERE CAN I GET GIFS OF N00D ASIAN CHICKS?????" and ASCII pictures of
} cows) you should realize that I am quite qualified for handling said
} LART weapons.
}
} Thank you,
} T. I. Oracle


925-09    (bmktk dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle so wise that he can calculate Pi to 5.65 x 10^598 decimal
> places,
>
> I have a loaf of bread which got mold all over it, rendering it not
> very edible.  Could you please inform me of the official top 100 uses
> for moldy bread?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd be glad to:
}
}  1. A nice doorstop.
}  2. Extract the penicillin to help you through those wild weekends.
}  3. Moldy sandwiches.
}  4. Save a bunch of them and build a shed in the backyard.
}  5. Pile a few in the back of your pickup for better traction in icy
}     weather.
}  6. Feed moldy bread to molting birds.
}  7. Use it as a throw pillow.
}  8. Use in rousing games of bread football.
}  9. Start a compost heap like you've been intending to.
} 10. The perfect murder weapon -- the mold will consume the evidence.
} 11. Moldy Bread anagrams nicely to dreamy old B.
} 12. Consume it as part of a vision quest.
} 13. Balance it on your head.
} 14. Make moldy toast.
} 15. Throw it in a lake.  If it floats, it's actually a witch.
} 16. Take it back to the store for a refund.
} 17. Put it on your coffee table as a nice conversation piece.
} 18. Take it to work and stick your pens in it.
} 19. Don't tell anyone I told you this, but the Freemasons will admit
}     anyone with a "moldy loaf" into their temple.
} 20. Throw it at squeamish muggers to buy time for escape.
} 21. Ward off vampires.
} 22. Sell it to pilgrims as the actual bread from the Last Supper.
} 23. Tile the bathroom with moldy slices.
} 24. Show it to your Grandma for an earful about wasting food.
} 25. It also anagrams to "red mob lady."
} 26. Put it under your pillow for 25 cents from the mold fairy.
} 27. Spin it on its end and it will mysteriously flip over.
} 28. Use it as a sponge.
} 29. Put away the phone book and use it as a booster seat.
} 30. Just keep saying "moldy bread" until the words lose all meaning.
} 31. Have the Oracle write 100 uses for it.
} 32. Just put it back in the fridge next to the year-old tuna and
}     pretend it's not there.
} 33. Take it to Mardi Gras and barter it for some beads.
} 34. Make moldy croutons.
} 35. Teach it to fly South with an ultralight painted to look like a
}     giant loaf of moldy bread.
} 36. Send it off in a letter to yourself.
} 37. Put a file in it and send it to an incarcerated friend.
} 38. Pick it up. Put it down. Pick it up. Put it down. Home gym!
} 39. Call your friends over to help you ponder its deeper meaning.
} 40. Thank it in your Oracularities Awards acceptance speech.
} 41. My moldy bread loaf
} 42. Sitting on the counter
} 43. Piece of fuzzy green
} 44. Use it as a metaphor of mortality in your philosophy class.
} 45. Shave it off -- oh wait, that's for moldy beards.
} 46. Have it bronzed for the mantle.
} 47. Send it to little David the cancer patient who is trying to get
}     into the Guiness Book of World records for having the largest
}     collection of rotten food.
} 48. Have Tim Burton come up with a blockbuster script featuring a
}     lovable moldy bread ghost.
} 49. Grind it into powder and make a fragrant sachet for your sock
}     drawer.
} 50. Think of 50 more uses for it.
} 51. OK, 49.
} 52. Smoke it with your crazy college buddies.
} 53. Maybe the dingoes stole your loaf of moldy bread.
} 54. Line up all the slices in a geometric pattern and write a
}     bestselling book _The_Bread_Code_ based on the startlingly accurate
}     predictions found in your loaf.
} 55. Scoff at those who doubt you.
} 56. Hide it in your hall closet.
} 57. Look at it under a microscope.
} 58. Feed it to your hated enemies.
} 59. Ignore it.  Maybe it will go away.
} 60. Pine for simpler times when all the bread was fresh.
} 61. Glue a slice to the sidewalk and watch the fun when someone tries
}     to pick it up.
} 62. Mummify it.
} 63. Put on a medieval peasant costume, go to a Renaissance festival,
}     and pester people with it.
} 64. Bang it around on the kitchen counter for a while as you sing the
}     Spice Girls' songs. Keep the beat. Go on. You'll be surprised how
}     much sense this makes.
} 65. Liven up your life with lots of important people asking you
}     questions by sending it to Bill Clinton.
} 66. Get your kicks above the waistline, Sunshine.  Carve a moldy
}     bread chess set.
} 67. Make crumbs for moldy fried chicken.
} 68. Clutch it to your chest while staring blankly and rapidly rocking
}     back and forth.
} 69. Dude!
} 70. Secretly replace it with Folger's Crystals.
} 71. Soak in it.
} 72. Bury it in the ice in Antarctica next to a meteor from Venus.
}     Giggle to yourself when everyone jumps to the wrong conclusion
}     upon its discovery.
} 73. Slices make creepy Yarmulkes for Jewish Marilyn Manson fans.
} 74. Ground it for sassing back.
} 75. Give it to your nephew as a science project.
} 76. Make moldy stuffing on Thanksgiving.
} 77. Aerate it regularly to make sure it doesn't become compacted.
} 78. Split the top and let the butter bake right in.
} 79. Give it a good coat of spit shine.
} 80. You know what they call moldy bread in France?  A Royale with mold.
} 81.
} 82. Give it to Jackie Chan and watch him fend off 25 attackers with it.
} 83. Sell it at the flea market as Chia Bread.
} 84. In case you were wondering, 81 is the NULL use.
} 85. Fling the slices around like frisbees with your friends at the park.
} 86. Sneak it into the grocery store and put it back on the shelf.
} 87. Wear it as an elegant broach.
} 88. Slices make good beer coasters.
} 89. Burn the loaf when you run out of firewood.
} 90. Hold it toward those who annoy you while you look away and say
}     "Talk to the loaf!"
} 91. Bang your head against it when you run out of ideas.
} 92. On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 loafs
}     a molding.
} 93. Up your nose with a moldy loaf.
} 94. Mold mold mold bacon mold eggs mold and mold hasn't got much mold
}     in it.
} 95. Make moldy French Toast.
} 96. Dress it in a lepruchan outfit.
} 97. Bring it with you to your job interview "for luck."
} 98. Talk about it for a half an hour on National Public Radio.
} 99. Make moldy maxi pads from the slices.
} 100. Throw it away, man.  Just let it go.
}
} Whew! You owe the Oracle the Top 100 uses for Top 100 Lists.


925-10    (gtwh8 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most luminous!
>
> Sing me a song of wombats in the computer room.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (to the tune of Green Day's Basket Case)
}
} There once was a schmo
} (I think his name was Joe)
} Who visited the third floor computer lab...
} He wanted to hack
} But only on a Mac
} Which really was a contradiction in terms...
}
} The killer wombats came that day
} They ripped his guts out right away
} We sometimes wonder why
} He's a plain pathetic guy
} The killer wombats came
} To take their lives!
}
} The next guy, named Jack,
} A UNIX maniac,
} He came again to get on his shell acount
} "I'm better than you!
}  My OS proves it's true!"
} (Although he hadn't touched a girl in three years)
}
} During the next wombat attack
} The whole room pointed straight at Jack
} Jack was dead; though it seemed wrong
} The room broke into song
} The killer wombats came
} To take their lives!
}
} This song, it makes no sense...
} But neither did the sup...plicant...
}
} The next one to die
} Was Greg, a normal guy
} The room fell silent when they saw him offed
} Our friend Greg, it seems
} Had unusual dreams
} He wanted to go work for Microsoft
}
} Now though he's dead, we wish him well
} We hope in prayers he'll go to hell
} If he winds up there, it seems
} He can still fufill his dreams
} The killer wombats came
} To take their liiiiiiiiiiiiiiives..!


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