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Internet Oracularities #926

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Internet Oracularities #926    (84 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 4 Aug 1997 15:07:56 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   926
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

926   84 votes 9khki cqwb3 5onma 6bvqa ieoee 39dvs jlpg3 2fnqi 5cote 7rxe3
926   3.1 mean  3.2   2.6   3.1   3.3   2.9   3.9   2.6   3.5   3.4   2.8


926-01    (9khki dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, I remember you!  You're the supplicant who asked what color
} Smurfs turn when you choke them!
}
} You're the one who asked why kamakazi pilots wear helmets!
}
} You asked me the one about...
}
} Hey!!!  You asked me every single darned question from
} http://www.concentric.net/~sriramch/deep.htm !!!  No wonder I've been
} so busy!
}
} I'll answer them all at once and get it out of the way.
}
} >If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
} >If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
} >If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
} >When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
} >Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank
} >   machines?
} >How did a fool and his money GET together?
} >If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
} >How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
} >If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
} >What's another word for thesaurus?
} >Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
} >What do they use to ship styrofoam?
} >Why is abbreviation such a long word?
} >Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
} >Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
} >How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
} >Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
} >Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
} >When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
} >Does fuzzy logic tickle?
} >Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
} >Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special
} >  Olympics?
} >Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
} >Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
} >If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
} >What was the best thing before sliced bread?
}
} Technically, yes.  Factories.  Friction.  No.  They don't manufacture
} special ATM buttons WITHOUT braille keys for drive-through use just
} to make you happy.
}
} Generally, fools work; some win lotteries.  Not difficult at all.
}
} They don't.  We can't.  There isn't.
}
} Dumb laws.  Boxes.  Blame the Latin root word brevis which means
} short.
}
} Because it goes bad.  Tradition.  When it sounds out of tune.
}
} No.  No.  You can't.  No.  No.  No.
}
} Because of the many parts inside the first ones.  That's a myth.  If
} you want to lessen your chances of being caught.
}
} Me.
}
} As payment, you must write "From now on I will make up my own
} questions for the Oracle" 100 times on the chalkboard.


926-02    (cqwb3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To:   Internet Oracle
> From: Undersecretary to William Cohen; Department of Defense
> RE:   United States Security
>
> Dear Mr. Oracle:
>
> It has come to the attention of Secretary Cohen and myself that you
> possess a weapon of mass destruction known as the "ZOT Staff."  We feel
> that no foreign entity should have such power and destructive
> capabilities, and we therefore ask that you turn this device over to
> the United States immediately.  Should you not comply, we will be
> forced to send in UN Peace Keeping Forces to forcibly retrieve this Zot
> Staff from you.
>
> If necessary, we will remove your Most Favorite Deity status, thus
> making trade and commerce with you impossible.  We will not go into the
> back taxes owed on the many items you have received in payment for your
> advice.
>
> Please see to the Zot Staff situation within 72 hours.  Your
> cooperation is appreciated.
>
> Sincerely,
> Joseph Schmoozeldorf
> Undersecretary, United States Department of Defense

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me get this straight.
}
} You say that I'm a foreign entity that posesses an item your country
} says I'm not allowed to have, and that you will punish this entity
} with back taxes?
}
} Even if we ignore the glaring flaw of logic here, you still can't
} touch me.
}
} Look back in the old presidental records and examine Executive Order
} #2281.  Yes, thanks to the Reagan era and Nancy's dependancy on me, I
} got this neat little provision in U.S. law drafted for me.
}
} Basically, it "exempts all omniscient beings from the jurisdiction of
} all Federal departments and entities..."  I don't want to bore you
} with the details.  Suffice it to say that you should never contact me
} again, lest you wish to be zotted yourself.
}
} Oracle


926-03    (5onma dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O beloved Oracle, who never runs out things to say, I have noticed that
> there seems to be a great deal of monk-bashing in this forum. What's
> wrong with being a Trappist monk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's nothing wrong with being a Trappist monk, but they don't have
} very good PR.  What they need is a jingle.  Fortunately we just happen
} to have one for them here.
}
} Monks are great! Monks are good!
} Monks are the coolest in the neighborhood!
}
} They may seem stiff, or rather weird
} But when they're alone, and no one's near
} Behind closed doors, they shake their bods!
} These guys get down!  They groove on God!
}
} Monks are cool!  Monks are hip!
} Monks won't give you any lip!
}
} They don't drink booze, or sing the blues
} but they shave their hair into freaky do's!
} When you're down, or in a funk,
} try chilling with a Trappist Monk!
}
} Monks are wild!  Monks are neat!
} Monks wear sandals on their feet!
}
} They love to pray, they wear brown robes
} You can find them all over the globe!
} Here's the proof that Monks are fun:
} That jazz guy named himself after one!
}
} Monks are boss!  Monks say vespers!
} Monks are better than court jesters!
}
} Here's the best part of this tale:
} A monk can bail you out of jail
} So when things go bad, and you think you're sunk
} Make your one phone call to a monk!
}
} Monks are great!  Monks are good!
} Monks are the coolest in the neighborhood!
}
} you owe the Oracle a quarter.


926-04    (6bvqa dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, whose limitless power and personal charismatic
> charm can slice through even the most tangled bureaucratic red tape,
> tell me...
>
> Ok, so I bought a car in California back in 1989.  A couple of years
> later, I moved to Texas.  A couple of years after that, I paid off
> the car and the financing company sent me a pink slip for this car --
> all nicely initialed and signed over to me.  I was happy.
>
> This year, I moved to Missouri.  I went to the Missouri equivalent
> of the DMV and said "I would like to register my car, please."
>
> They looked at all the paperwork I'd assembled - and said, "But you
> don't have a Texas title."  I said, sure I do -- look!" and pointed at
> the paper Texas sent me.  They said, "But that's orange and not green.
> Orange means the car is not paid for."  I said, "But it says "Title" on
> it, and besides this other piece of paper from California says that I
> own it.  Look!  I even have the Bill of Sale from the finance company."
>
> They shuffled the papers around and asked each other a lot of
> questions, confusing the issue further and further.  Finally,
> one of them says, "We're sorry, but you cannot register your car
> in Missouri.  You'll have to go back to California.  Or maybe Texas.
> We're not sure.  But you will never be able to register your car here
> without a valid title."
>
> I said, "Look!  See this pink piece of paper that says, "Certificate of
> Title" on it??  That is a valid Title from the State of California!"
> They said, "But it shows a lienholder name on it."  I exclaimed,
> "But look!  It says right here on this pink piece of paper that if
> it is initialed by the lienholder, the lien has been removed."
>
> They didn't care.  They just kept telling me to go back to California.
> Or maybe Texas.  They weren't sure.
>
> I beg of you, dear Oracle.  What can I do to convince these morons that
> a Bill of Sale and a Certificate of Title really do mean I own my car?!
>
> If you can't answer the above (I'm not sure there IS an answer,
> to bureaucracy run amok), I beg of you to tell me -- what's the job
> market like in California... or Texas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, your problem is complicated enough that I think
} we need to discuss it face to face.  Let me explain the procedure
} for getting a personal audience with Me.  You'll need to obtain
} a Supplicant's Special Invitation, which authorizes admission and
} divulges the location of my Secret Palace.
}  This Supplicant's Special Invitation can only be obtained from
} a certain staff member at Indiana University, the identity of whom, I
} cannot divulge.  To learn the identity of this staff member, you must
} obtain a Blue Slip, which can only be obtained from the token booth
} at the Times Square subway station in New York.  The salesperson in
} that token booth will only give you the Blue Slip, however, if you
} present him or her with the Big Nasty Form, which you need to have
} filled out beforehand.  However, the Big Nasty Form is only available
} at any of the commuter train ticket windows at 30th Street Station
} in Philadelphia.  The salespeople at these ticket windows will only
} give you the Big Nasty Form if you provide them with the Authorized
} Supplicant's Password.  For security reasons, I cannot send you the
} Authorized Supplicant's password through e-mail.  You must obtain it
} from me in person.  In order to speak to me in person, you'll need
} to obtain a Supplicant's Special Invitation ...


926-05    (ieoee dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise and understanding, please tell me,
>
> I'm moving my company to another town and I have a bunch of stuff left
> over that I don't want to bother to move. Specifically, I have a
> nearly-full 55-gallon drum of polyvinyl acetate that weights well over
> 500 pounds. How do I get rid of this stuff?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                             The Internet Oracle
}
}                               p r e s e n t s
}
}                   101 Uses for a Drum of Polyvinyl Acetate
}
}    1. Dress it in an XXLarge tux, invite it to your wedding.
}    2. See how many library books you can secretly glue shut.
}    3. Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
}    4. Sell it to local burger restaurant as "even-more-secret sauce".
}    5. Insert a 2x4, harden the resin, remove the drum. Giant lollipop!
}    6. Paint polyvinyl acetate over the lines on the freeway.
}    7. Start your own ad campaign: "Got polyvinyl acetate?"
}    8. Send it to Cindy Crawford as a token of your affection.
}    9. Bang the drum slowly. Make a film with Robert De Niro.
}   10. Put it on the freeway, with a "DETOUR <====>" sign on it.
}   11. Pack it to the top of K2 or Everest, watch it roll.
}   12. Handy for long-term storage of pesky neighbor children.
}   13. (Not recommended for time spans of less than 75 years.)
}   14. Market it as "clear gravy": No additives, no calories. (SNL)
}   15. Leave it by the curb. See whether the garbage-men take it.
}   16. Put it into tiny bottles, sell it as "miracle glue" for $5 each.
}   17. It's good for bonding wood. Glue your neighbor's door shut.
}   18. Don't forget the windows, too. Pour the rest down the chimney.
}   19. Fill your rental car with polyvinyl acetate, ask for a refund.
}   20. Sink it in the municipal pool at midnight.
}   21. Take it to Congress, get Sonny Bono to vote against homopolymers.
}   22. Stand in the drum until it hardens. Sue the Oracle for millions.
}   23. Take it on vacation, let it ride the waterslide.
}   24. Use it to fill your old pantyhose and tuna cans.
}   25. Sneak it into a movie. (It wants to see Contact.)
}   26. Buy it popcorn, a large cola, and a box of Junior Mints.
}   27. Inject it into hams as a preservative.
}   28. See whether it works as a denture adhesive for Grandma.
}   29. Drop it into Crater Lake. Claim you were in Maine at the time.
}   30. Swear to the Senate that polyvinyl acetate never existed.
}   31. Use it to coat the interstate freeway.
}   32. Buy a sub-zero freezer. Pop it in.
}   33. Hide it in a Florida houseboat, tell the FBI, ask for a reward.
}   34. Read it the story of Br'er Rabbit and the tarbaby.
}   35. Polyvinyl acetate + dozen eggs + microwave oven. Pop! Pop!
}   36. Ask Joan Baez to write a song about polyvinyl acetate.
}   37. Wait for winter, hide it inside a snowman.
}   38. Sing "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" to it. Try to sing sincerely.
}   39. Polyvinyl acetate: It's not just for breakfast anymore!
}   40. Wondering whether this is the "year-old-tuna" incarnation?
}   41. Put polyvinyl acetate, one drop at a time, into Lake Michigan.
}   42. Yes, it's me again. I like this better than pantyhose, though.
}   43. Drop it from a plane. See whether you can hit Tabitha Soren.
}   44. Hey! Don't drop the drum, just its contents!
}   45. Buy it a Tamagotchi.
}   46. Take it for a test drive in a new car. (Love that smell!)
}   47. Use polyvinyl acetate on bananas for that "wax fruit" look.
}   48. Glue shut the last seven pages of anything by Agatha Christie.
}   49. A cupful by the side of the bed is handy for curing snoring.
}   50. Make sure it's on _your_ side of the bed, though.
}   51. Take it to Uzbekistan, sell it as "thick vodka". Leave quickly.
}   52. Wrap the drum in a big red bow.
}   53. Put it in old "Grecian Formula" bottles.
}   55. Take it back to Calvert City, it's homesick.
}   54. Invent a stapler which uses polyvinyl acetate to glue the paper.
}   56. Don't forget to pay royalties to the Oracle on your invention.
}   57. Dip a rental video. "It won't rewind. I want a refund."
}   58. Good for cleaning contact lenses. About 7.6e7 of them.
}   59. Get a scuba tank, sing karaoke from the bottom of the drum.
}   60. You'll sound like Randy Newman, and you'll look like him too.
}   61. Ask a priest to bless it so you'll have "holy polyvinyl acetate".
}   62. I got 54 and 55 in the wrong order on purpose, I hope you know.
}   63. Build a ten-story-tall toilet, and flush the drum away.
}   64. Dance around the drum, chanting "Me want-a you, baby".
}   65. Sell polyvinyl acetate as "paint-on swimsuit for supermodels".
}   66. Get Bill Gates to invest in polyvinyl acetate.
}   67. Lynda Barry is the queen of funkytown.
}   68. Use polyvinyl acetate to make a new color for M&M's
}   69. Claim that it was left to you by aliens from planet Wotan.
}   70. Ask UUnet what to do with it.
}   71. Don't you think this whole "101-uses" genre is about used up?
}   72. Make the drum into a tall round custom mouse pad.
}   73. POLYVINYL could be worth up to 216 points in Scrabble.
}   74. Paint the drum blue. Label it "US MAIL". Leave it on the corner.
}   75. Use polyvinyl acetate to starch your sweetie's undies.
}   76. Prepare for the 2000 Olympics. Win the silver in drum-tossing.
}   77. Think Super Soaker. 'Nuff said.
}   78. After this one, I've only got twenty-three more to go.
}   79. Coat the tips of the your buddy's pens and pencils.
}   80. Use the empty drum as a really big rain gauge.
}   81. Give it to your favorite Aquarius.
}   82. Paint the drum red-orange. Disguise it as a fire hydrant.
}   83. There's nothing like a quart of polyvinyl acetate on a hot day.
}   84. File it under S for Sticky.
}   85. Make paper dolls out of the MSDS pages. Teach them to dance.
}   86. Buy the drum a subscription to "Soldier of Fortune".
}   87. Sell it to the Mafia. "Polyvinyl acetate overshoes".
}   88. Target practice.
}   89. Investigate the drum for "60 Minutes" or "Dateline".
}   90. See how many teenagers will try sniffing polyvinyl acetate.
}   91. It's a floor wax _and_ a dessert topping. (SNL)
}   92. Light bulbs filled with polyvinyl acetate never burn out.
}   93. Run your car on polyvinyl acetate. 3 miles to the gallon!
}   94. Boil it at a luau, cook a pig inside. Extract it with a hammer.
}   95. Drop Tabitha Soren from a plane, see if you can hit the drum.
}   96. Save the drum. Collect the whole set!
}   97. A little on the favorite's horseshoes, and the long shot can win.
}   98. Use it as the star of a monster movie: "Drum of Doom".
}   99. Store Candice Bergen's dimes in the drum.
}  100. Tell the kids that's it's the toy from the happy meal.
}  101. Name the drum "Employee of the Month". Give it the parking space.
}
} You owe the Oracle an XXLarge tux, and an invitation to your wedding.


926-06    (39dvs dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose ZOTting knows no bounds...
>
> In a previous answer, you mentioned the center of the Universe was
> (0,0).   How is that possible we live in a three-dimensional world
> (four if you include time, five if you include tesseracts)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, you wish to learn the concept of virtual paging.  The universe
} was, in fact, designed two-dimensionally, and as features were added
} we chose to maintain backward compatibility with the older
} two-dimensional version, known as Conventional Galactic Addressing
} (CGA).  Later we added the third dimension simply by creating
} infinite layers of virtual CGA spaces in an array, so that when an
} object moves along the Z axis, each virtual CGA address is swapped in
} and out to the original CGA as needed.  This is the Enhanced Galactic
} Addressing (EGA), but it was quickly superseded by the Virtual
} Galactic Array when we implemented time.  This is where it gets
} tricky.  See, there isn't really enough core memory to support an
} infinite fourth-dimensional array of EGA space, so we swap out EGA
} space to virtual memory around some of the power generators scattered
} through space - perceived by your astronomers as stars.  To conserve
} virtual space, we compress the data as it gets swapped out to virtual
} storage.  This has some peculiar side effects:  The faster you
} travel, the faster those virtual EGA pages have to be swapped in and
} out; as you approach the speed of light, some of the third-dimension
} arrays of two-dimension space get dropped, the result being that from
} the traveller's point of view, surrounding space moves abnormally
} fast, while from the observer's point of view, the travelling object
} seems to go into a state of suspended animation.  All too often the
} swap space exceeds storage capacity, resulting in what you perceive
} as a black hole, and then all space-time gets twisted beyond
} recognition.
}
} Currently we are experimenting with additional dimensions, but so far
} the Subspace Virtual Galactic Arrays have caused more problems than
} they have solved.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 1280x1024x32768x65536 monitor.


926-07    (jlpg3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most wise, would you please tell this poor, pitiful
> suplicant who can hardly remember how to integrate (let alone
> differentiate) without his TI-92 or how to tie his shoes (Velro Rules!)
> what are the official top 26 uses for an old 8088 based toteable
> computer with a 13 line LCD display and no hard drive?
>
> Respectfully,
>
> Seemore Zotsclose

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. You can go to the store and say "You think this is a pentium? What a
} ripoff!!" and hope for a refund.
} 2. You can plug it into your pentium, to do the divide
} operation(correctly)
} 3. You can plug the keyboard to COM1, the display to the altrnative
} display, write a device driver for linux to treat it as a file and
} voila! another window.
} 4. You can take the chips out, and give it to various girlfriends,
} claiming "it is a modern art pin" (implied "which cost me a fortune, so
} you can have sex with me now!)
} 5. You can take the chips out, and market them as collector's items.
} 6. You can take the keyboard, pretend to type on it when there's no
} computer around, and start marketing "The in-body computer, which can
} link up with an external keyboard".
} 7. You can use the keyboard keys for spares.
} 8. You can hope there will be a nuclear war, with no computers
} surviving but yours, at which time it will be the best computer around.
} 9. You can put a hard-drive in it, and read the famous article "100
} uses for a .... with a hard-drive"
} 10. You can hack into the pentagon, but the Oracle will not explain
} how.
} 11. You can use it for a very gadgety calculator, which will also
} "beep" after giving you an answer, impressing everybody around.
} 12. You can take apart the LCD display, and then try to put it back
} together.
} 13. You can void the warranty.
} 14. You can insure it as a "High-tech, modern calculating equipment"
} and then throw it off a cliff.
} 15. You can pretend to connect to the WWW with it, and remark on how
} quickly it loads all those GIF heavy sites...
} 16. You can try to get the micro-chips to buzz and warm.
} 17. You can heat the display enough so you can cook on it.
} 18. You can try to paint individual pixels on the display, as an
} aim-improving excercise.
} 19. You can run WIN95 on it, and see how it turns it into an even more
} useless thing.
} 20. You can comb your hair with the micro-chips.
} 21. You can sacrifice it to the ancients, so they will keep your
} current computer going.
} 22. You can sacrifice it to Bill Gates, to keep your windows(tm) going.
} 23. Whenever your current computer makes a mistake, you can bash the
} life out of it.
} 24. Whenever _you_ make a programming mistake, you can also bash the
} life out of it.
} 25. You can try to make it play music with it's floppy drive.
} 26. You can write a stupid text file, called "26 Things to do with your
} 8088".
}
} You owe the oracle a brand new MMX
}
} Posing as the Oracle -
} MZ


926-08    (2fnqi dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me : Why does it allways rain on a day off from work ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It doesn't... for anyone else. This only happens to you. Whenever
} anyone else takes a vacation day, it's sunny and warm.
}
} The reason is a scientific principle known as "The Conservation of
} Luck." In other words, *somebody* has to counter-balance those folks in
} Wisconsin who won $110,000,000.00 last year and the guy who fell 40,000
} feet from a plane, without a parachute, landed in a damp ditch and
} survived with nothing more than a slight headache. With all that
} incredibly good luck around, the universe demands that someone pay the
} price.
}
} Guess who got picked?
}
} This should also explain why the IRS computer has picked you for 17
} years running for the Deep Audit Program; why the Bureau of Alcohol and
} Tobacco has gotten the address wrong on that search warrant and stormed
} your house (twice); why your third wife left you for your 80-year-old
} neighbor; why your computer regularly has a hard disk failure just
} before you are about to back up a six-month project; why your dog bit
} that lawyer last week.
}
} Didn't you even notice when that volcano erupted in your back yard?
} Didn't you even *wonder* about that? I mean, you're in Iowa, man! You
} aren't even remotely *near* a tectonic plate edge! Can't you take a
} hint?
}
} And how many people have you heard of who have had a meteorite hit
} them... six times in three years? Think about it! This is not normal.
} This is the King Hell of bad luck, kiddo. Face it: You're screwed. Rain
} on your day off is the least of your problems. Just be grateful that it
} isn't a thunderstorm...
}
} >>>ZOT!<<<  >>>ZOT!<<< >>>ZOT!<<<
}
} That wasn't me! Wow... three times. I guess they're right...lightning
} doesn't strike twice in the same place.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise that you'll stay as far away from him as
} possible.


926-09    (5cote dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ding!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes. I remember this little sysadmin's trick. Let me see here....
}
} bash# man ding
} Formatting page, please wait...
}
} DING(8)             UNIX System Manager's Manual             DING(8)
}
} NAME
}      ding - annoy a user by sounding an alarm
}
} SYNOPSIS
}      ding [-ad] [-c count] [-i wait] [-p pattern] [-v volume]
}
} DESCRIPTION
}      Ding uses an undocumented function embedded in most TCP/IP
}      libraries which will sound an alarm attached to the remote host.
}      When sent to a remote host, DING packets will trigger any such
}      alarm.
}
}      The default alarm is a cross between a trumpet and approximately
}      one and a half billion bees buzzing. The default volume will be
}      set, depending on how the source code was compiled, to around 150
}      decibels.
}
} COMMAND LINE OPTIONS
}
}      -a
}            Sound an alarm which sounds like a Sears $5.99 Ringer Alarm
}            Clock. Excellent for morning wakeup calls to users who have
}            fallen asleep on their terminals.
}
}      -c count
}            Specify multiple DINGs to be sent. Be warned that if this
}            number is set anywhere over 100, it will take the host
}            computer nearly 2 years to stop processing the DING
}            requests.
}
}      -d
}            Sound the submarine dive klaxon. Amazingly, most computers
}            have one. This one is particularly good for scaring the
}            pants off of lusers.
}
}      -i wait
}            Specify the number of seconds to delay before starting the
}            DING packet sender. This is mainly to protect sysadmins from
}            immediate discovery.
}
}      -p pattern
}            Specify the pattern of the DINGs. This should be given in
}            industry- standard morse-code pattern (i.e.,
}            dit-dit-dash-dit-dash-dit).
}
}      -v volume
}            THIS OPTION SHOULD BE USED BY SYSADMINS WEARING PROTECTIVE
}            GOGGLES ONLY. Adjust the volume of the alarm. Values from 5
}            decibels to over 300 decibels are acceptible.
}
} BUGS
}
}      Intel-86 boxes do not have configurable alarms. Therefore,
}      ding(8) will merely cause them to bluescreen and lock up. We've
}      given a lot of thought to fixing this one, but, in the end,
}      decided that it wasn't worth the effort.  Besides, it's kinda
}      fun.
}
}      The maximum volume of most alarms will cause bleeding from the
}      ears and, in rare cases, severe concussion.
}
}      Flood dinging is not recommended in general, and flood pinging
}      the broadcast address should only be done inside soundproof
}      rooms.
}
} SEE ALSO
}      dingconfig(8),  dingd(8)
}
} HISTORY
}      The ding command appeared in 4.3BSD. It was subsequently removed
}      by a deaf Berkeley professor in the next version.
}
} 4.3 Berkeley Distribution       March 16, 1991                     3


926-10    (7rxe3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most powerful and wise Oracle, please answer this lowly supplicant's
> humble question:
>
> How many home pages must a man have before you can call him a geek?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This question harkens back to the Oracle's "Wild Period" when it was
} heavily influenced by the drug-crazed music of Bob Dylan, who asked
} something or other about roads and white doves.  However, this answer
} is not "Blowing In The Wind," as it were.  The true measure of geekdom
} is not in the quantity of one's homepages (although the proclivity to
} "geek" is stronger the more pages you acquire), but rather in the
} content placed on each one.  A true geek can accomplish total geekitude
} with just one homepage, provided it contains enough video captures of
} "Baywatch", more than six Klingon fashion tips, some Beck lyrics, and
} the phrase "XXXX is the greatest XXXX of all time!!!!!!!" (Note the use
} of seven or more exclamation points)  So, lowly supplicant, geekosity
} is not in the number of pages, but rather in their content.  It is
} perfectly possible for a computer professional to have dozens and
} dozens of homepages and never touch on actual geekiness.  Likely, no.
} Possible, yes, but so is spontaneous combustion.
} As an aside, there are few shortcuts in this world, but should you wish
} to attain geekility in just one step, the Oracle has but two words for
} you - "Pocket Protector."
}
} In payment for this answer, the Oracle requests a pair of Horned Rim
} Glasses strapped together with tape and a wrinkled plaid shirt.


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