} The Internet Oracle
} p r e s e n t s
} 101 Uses for a Drum of Polyvinyl Acetate
} 1. Dress it in an XXLarge tux, invite it to your wedding.
} 2. See how many library books you can secretly glue shut.
} 3. Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
} 4. Sell it to local burger restaurant as "even-more-secret sauce".
} 5. Insert a 2x4, harden the resin, remove the drum. Giant lollipop!
} 6. Paint polyvinyl acetate over the lines on the freeway.
} 7. Start your own ad campaign: "Got polyvinyl acetate?"
} 8. Send it to Cindy Crawford as a token of your affection.
} 9. Bang the drum slowly. Make a film with Robert De Niro.
} 10. Put it on the freeway, with a "DETOUR <====>" sign on it.
} 11. Pack it to the top of K2 or Everest, watch it roll.
} 12. Handy for long-term storage of pesky neighbor children.
} 13. (Not recommended for time spans of less than 75 years.)
} 14. Market it as "clear gravy": No additives, no calories. (SNL)
} 15. Leave it by the curb. See whether the garbage-men take it.
} 16. Put it into tiny bottles, sell it as "miracle glue" for $5 each.
} 17. It's good for bonding wood. Glue your neighbor's door shut.
} 18. Don't forget the windows, too. Pour the rest down the chimney.
} 19. Fill your rental car with polyvinyl acetate, ask for a refund.
} 20. Sink it in the municipal pool at midnight.
} 21. Take it to Congress, get Sonny Bono to vote against homopolymers.
} 22. Stand in the drum until it hardens. Sue the Oracle for millions.
} 23. Take it on vacation, let it ride the waterslide.
} 24. Use it to fill your old pantyhose and tuna cans.
} 25. Sneak it into a movie. (It wants to see Contact.)
} 26. Buy it popcorn, a large cola, and a box of Junior Mints.
} 27. Inject it into hams as a preservative.
} 28. See whether it works as a denture adhesive for Grandma.
} 29. Drop it into Crater Lake. Claim you were in Maine at the time.
} 30. Swear to the Senate that polyvinyl acetate never existed.
} 31. Use it to coat the interstate freeway.
} 32. Buy a sub-zero freezer. Pop it in.
} 33. Hide it in a Florida houseboat, tell the FBI, ask for a reward.
} 34. Read it the story of Br'er Rabbit and the tarbaby.
} 35. Polyvinyl acetate + dozen eggs + microwave oven. Pop! Pop!
} 36. Ask Joan Baez to write a song about polyvinyl acetate.
} 37. Wait for winter, hide it inside a snowman.
} 38. Sing "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" to it. Try to sing sincerely.
} 39. Polyvinyl acetate: It's not just for breakfast anymore!
} 40. Wondering whether this is the "year-old-tuna" incarnation?
} 41. Put polyvinyl acetate, one drop at a time, into Lake Michigan.
} 42. Yes, it's me again. I like this better than pantyhose, though.
} 43. Drop it from a plane. See whether you can hit Tabitha Soren.
} 44. Hey! Don't drop the drum, just its contents!
} 45. Buy it a Tamagotchi.
} 46. Take it for a test drive in a new car. (Love that smell!)
} 47. Use polyvinyl acetate on bananas for that "wax fruit" look.
} 48. Glue shut the last seven pages of anything by Agatha Christie.
} 49. A cupful by the side of the bed is handy for curing snoring.
} 50. Make sure it's on _your_ side of the bed, though.
} 51. Take it to Uzbekistan, sell it as "thick vodka". Leave quickly.
} 52. Wrap the drum in a big red bow.
} 53. Put it in old "Grecian Formula" bottles.
} 55. Take it back to Calvert City, it's homesick.
} 54. Invent a stapler which uses polyvinyl acetate to glue the paper.
} 56. Don't forget to pay royalties to the Oracle on your invention.
} 57. Dip a rental video. "It won't rewind. I want a refund."
} 58. Good for cleaning contact lenses. About 7.6e7 of them.
} 59. Get a scuba tank, sing karaoke from the bottom of the drum.
} 60. You'll sound like Randy Newman, and you'll look like him too.
} 61. Ask a priest to bless it so you'll have "holy polyvinyl acetate".
} 62. I got 54 and 55 in the wrong order on purpose, I hope you know.
} 63. Build a ten-story-tall toilet, and flush the drum away.
} 64. Dance around the drum, chanting "Me want-a you, baby".
} 65. Sell polyvinyl acetate as "paint-on swimsuit for supermodels".
} 66. Get Bill Gates to invest in polyvinyl acetate.
} 67. Lynda Barry is the queen of funkytown.
} 68. Use polyvinyl acetate to make a new color for M&M's
} 69. Claim that it was left to you by aliens from planet Wotan.
} 70. Ask UUnet what to do with it.
} 71. Don't you think this whole "101-uses" genre is about used up?
} 72. Make the drum into a tall round custom mouse pad.
} 73. POLYVINYL could be worth up to 216 points in Scrabble.
} 74. Paint the drum blue. Label it "US MAIL". Leave it on the corner.
} 75. Use polyvinyl acetate to starch your sweetie's undies.
} 76. Prepare for the 2000 Olympics. Win the silver in drum-tossing.
} 77. Think Super Soaker. 'Nuff said.
} 78. After this one, I've only got twenty-three more to go.
} 79. Coat the tips of the your buddy's pens and pencils.
} 80. Use the empty drum as a really big rain gauge.
} 81. Give it to your favorite Aquarius.
} 82. Paint the drum red-orange. Disguise it as a fire hydrant.
} 83. There's nothing like a quart of polyvinyl acetate on a hot day.
} 84. File it under S for Sticky.
} 85. Make paper dolls out of the MSDS pages. Teach them to dance.
} 86. Buy the drum a subscription to "Soldier of Fortune".
} 87. Sell it to the Mafia. "Polyvinyl acetate overshoes".
} 88. Target practice.
} 89. Investigate the drum for "60 Minutes" or "Dateline".
} 90. See how many teenagers will try sniffing polyvinyl acetate.
} 91. It's a floor wax _and_ a dessert topping. (SNL)
} 92. Light bulbs filled with polyvinyl acetate never burn out.
} 93. Run your car on polyvinyl acetate. 3 miles to the gallon!
} 94. Boil it at a luau, cook a pig inside. Extract it with a hammer.
} 95. Drop Tabitha Soren from a plane, see if you can hit the drum.
} 96. Save the drum. Collect the whole set!
} 97. A little on the favorite's horseshoes, and the long shot can win.
} 98. Use it as the star of a monster movie: "Drum of Doom".
} 99. Store Candice Bergen's dimes in the drum.
} 100. Tell the kids that's it's the toy from the happy meal.
} 101. Name the drum "Employee of the Month". Give it the parking space.
} You owe the Oracle an XXLarge tux, and an invitation to your wedding.