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Internet Oracularities #927

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Internet Oracularities #927    (94 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 7 Aug 1997 09:14:13 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   927
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

927   94 votes 4jAu5 5dCrb 25ivC clvo6 5jEn7 pBm73 avsk5 dnxh8 gnjqa anst4
927   3.0 mean  3.1   3.3   4.0   2.9   3.1   2.2   2.8   2.8   2.9   2.9


927-01    (4jAu5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Magister Artium Theologiae,
>
> Could God invent a religion so absurd that He couldn't believe it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, supplicant, God did not invent religion.  He started out with
} a few good ideas, which got all twisted up in was is probably the very
} first example of the game "Telephone".
}
} He would say something like "Hey guys, how about some nice fresh lamb
} for dinner?" to his prophets, who would say to the people "God wants
} some fresh lamb" who would then interpret this as "God demands we
} slaughter and burn our best animals in his honor", and then proceed to
} make the whole country side smell like burned veal.
}
} Eventually, God got fed up with this sort of behavior and lost his
} temper.  Being God, this was very noticable to the people, who cowered
} and groveled and made up all sorts of silly rituals and practices to
} try and make God happy.  They never really succeeded, of course, but
} eventually God cooled down a bit and decided to take a nice long
} vacation.  The people decided that this was due to their current set of
} rituals, so they wrote them all down and have been inflicting them on
} the world ever since.
}
} Anyway, the basic idea is more or less "Try to be nice to each other".
} Please don't repeat it to your friends, they will tell their friends,
} etc, and eventually we might end up with an even wierder set of rules
} than we currently have.
}
} You owe the oracle a philosophy of life of 50 words or less, carved in
} granite in large, block letters, containing no words longer than 2
} syllables.


927-02    (5dCrb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O Mighty Oracle, please tell me:  is it true that things are more
> like they are now than they ever were before?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not quite. Things are now more like they would have been if they hadn't
} been the way they were before they became like they are now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Mobius Strip.


927-03    (25ivC dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and wonderful,
>
>       I am at a career crossroads; should I become an astronaut, a
> fireman, or a sysadmin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the kind of question that these "handy comparison charts" were
} just made to answer:
}
} PURPOSE OF YOUR CAREER
} Astronaut:  Advancing scientific knowledge for the good of humanity.
} Fireman:    Saving lives and property.
} Sysadmin:   Assuring uninterrupted access to alt.binaries.erotica.sheep.
}
} ADVICE YOU'LL GIVE KIDS WHO WANT TO FOLLOW IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS
} Astronaut:  "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
} Fireman:    "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
} Sysadmin:   "DON'T DO IT!  RUN AWAY!"
}
} QUESTION YOU'LL BE MOST TIRED OF ANSWERING
} Astronaut:  "Where do you go to the bathroom?"
} Fireman:    "Do you really slide down a pole when the alarm goes off?"
} Sysadmin:   "Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been
}              getting?"
}
} WILL YOU EVER BE ON TV?
} Astronaut:  Yes!
} Fireman:    Occasionally.
} Sysadmin:   Only MSNBC's "The Site," which doesn't technically count as
}             TV.
}
} WILL YOUR JOB EVER GET ANY EASIER?
} Astronaut:  As computers get more and more advanced and able to control
}             more of the functions of the space vehicle, yes.
} Fireman:    As more and more people install smoke detectors in their
}             homes, yes.
} Sysadmin:   As more and more clueless newbies discover the Internet,
}             absolutely not.
}
} INSPIRING MOVIE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION
} Astronaut:  "The Right Stuff"
} Fireman:    "Backdraft"
} Sysadmin:   Uh...gee, I'm really drawing a blank here..."Wargames"?
}
} YOUR WORK HOURS
} Astronaut:  Fairly long days during the mission, but lots and lots of
}             time between missions to relax.
} Fireman:    24-hour shifts, but 48 hours between shifts to relax.
} Sysadmin:   Not really "work hours" or even "work days"...more like
}             "work millenia."
}
} FRINGE BENEFITS OF YOUR JOB
} Astronaut:  Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the
}             opposite sex.
} Fireman:    Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the
}             opposite sex.
} Sysadmin:   You get ALL of the jokes in "Dilbert."
}
} NUMBER OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION
} Astronaut:  A few, from people who think the government should be
}             spending its money in different ways.
} Fireman:    A few, from people who think you take too long to arrive
}             following a 911 call.
} Sysadmin:   You'll have to learn what comes after "trillion" to be able
}             to count them all.
}
} YOUR VEHICLE
} Astronaut:  Multimillion-dollar space vehicle atop multimillion-dollar
}             rocket.
} Fireman:    Big red truck with flashing lights and siren.
} Sysadmin:   1978 AMC Gremlin.
}
} In conclusion, if the sysadmin option has seemed the most appealing in
} even one of these categories, you should become a sysadmin.
}
} Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been getting?


927-04    (clvo6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Carboniferous Oracle, please answer my question:
>
> How can I do what I wanted to do if I had not intended to have done
> what I had been planning when I was going to do what I hadn't wanted
> after I didn't have to do what I wanted to do even if I hadn't realized
> that I was going to do what I wasn't going to have been preparing to
> do even though I wasn't even going to do when I had finished deciding
> not to persue what I wanted to do when I finally attempted to do what
> I was going to do?
>
> Thank you for your time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, everyone?  Ready to begin the department meeting?
}
} We had a supplicant this week ask a difficult question.  Let's diagram
} it on the white board:
}
} >How can I do
} >        what I wanted to do
} >if I had not intended
} >        to have done
} >        what I had been planning
} >                when I was going to do
} >                        what I hadn't wanted [to do]
} >                after I didn't have to do
} >                        what I wanted to do
} >        even if I hadn't realized
} >                I was going to do
} >                        what I wasn't
} >                                going to have been preparing to do
} >                        even though I wasn't even going to do
} >                        when I had finished deciding not to persue
} >                what I wanted to do
} >        when I finally attempted to do
} >what I was going to do?
}
} Okay, people: bottom line, we need to research to implement a
} department mission statement codifying the corprate goal of analyzing
} paradigm shifts to achieve maximum profibility, marketability,
} shareholderability, and woodchuckability.  We might have to rightsize.
} Zadoc, schedule a conference call with the Vice-Director of Temple
} Engineering's administrative assistant's intern to get time on his
} schedule for obtaining time on the administrative assistant's schedule
} to obtain a phone call to the Vice to arrange for the all-hands meeting
} pre-meeting where we'll celebrate our mission.
}
} You owe the Oracle a paradigm shift.


927-05    (5jEn7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most incredible, whose toejam I would eat if it was edible,
> whose prowess is unforgetable, whose complexes are never Oedipal,
> please tell me:
>
> Recently my friends have begun calling me "The Man." Even strangers
> greet me with, "You The Man!" I'd like to know when the official
> ceremony will be held in which I officially become The Man, who was The
> Man before me, and what are my official duties as The Man? For that
> matter, who is The Woman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant it is time for you to know your density - sorry I mean
} destiny.  Others have seen it in you so your time must be near.  "The
} Man" is the male individual selected by the gods to introduce a new
} genetic trait into the human gene pool.  Previous "The Men" have
} included Matt Groening (the merchandising gene), Michael Bolton (the
} bland gene) and Stephen Jay Gould (the 'smart arse' gene).  The special
} trait you possess is the corduroy gene.  Pervious attempts at
} implementing this gene have failed (Noam Chomsky, Carl Sagan).  You
} must now procreate to ensure the spread of this gene - this is where
} "The Woman" comes into it.
}
} You must seek out "The Woman".  She has been pre-programmed to be
} attracted to corduroy.  You will find her in the 'records' section of
} your local government department.  She will be further recognisable by
} the thick black rimmed glasses held together with a band-aid, long
} socks and tartan skirt (Campbell).
}
} Meet this woman.  Be fruitful.  Multiply.
}
} Soon the world will be echoing with the sound of "vit vit" as thousands
} of thighs encased in corduroy rub together.
}
} You owe the oracle a dissertation on the myth of stereotype.


927-06    (pBm73 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why can't time travel ever be possible?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It will be, but it takes time!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a TimeMachine!!


927-07    (avsk5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose spleen I am not worthy to polish, please
> tell me...
>
> What exactly do you do with all the stuff that supplicants give you?
> I mean, I can understand why you would want with a Madonna CD and a
> 12-gauge shotgun (I hope they arrived by now), but what in the world
> are you going to do with a nude photograph of Janet Reno?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Suppliant,
}
} Thank you for the materials received.  We are getting close to
} completing the Oracle's New Greenhouse/Toenail Clipper/Alarm Clock
} version 4.02, and will have it finished once we find the lower jawbone
} of a terrarium.  Your assistance in this matter will be appreciated.
}
} Sincerely,
}
} Rube Goldberg Construction
}
} You owe the Oracle a reliable contractor.


927-08    (dnxh8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> How much beav could a beaver beav if a beaver could beav beav?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Customer -
}
} We consider Beaver performance data to be highly sensitive
} information, because Beaver performance depends on the version of your
} Beaver, and its beaving environment. We hesitate to release absolute
} Beaver performance information to prevent comparison with other
} devices, such as the Woodchuck. This type of comparison is tricky,
} and can allow the customer to form inappropriate conclusions.
}
} For example, the hardware model of your Beaver greatly influences the
} performance of your Beaver system. Previous models of the Beaver base
} hardware were called "The Platypus", and while interesting from a
} technology point of view, they were rather limited in their beaving
} capabilities. If you find that you have one of these newer model
} Beavers, it is suggested that you upgrade your hardware to the most
} recent Beaver model.
}
} Do note that you can not simply change the bill and flipper
} peripherals to the newer flat tail, feet and teeth as the software
} needed to run the new devices will not run on the Platypus CPU. You
} will need to upgrade to the complete Beaver package.
}
} We do find it disturbing that you apparently are having trouble with
} your system beaving at all. If you could provide us with the version
} of your Beaver, a description of its environment (man-mad lake, damned
} river, etc) and your customer service contract number, we will be sure
} to have Technical Support contact you as soon as possible.
}
} We value our Customers,
}
} Oracle Beaver Services.


927-09    (gnjqa dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fee fie foe foo!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I smell the blood of a supplicant who:
}
} Neglected to grovel
} And asked a poor question
} So I'll issue something
} To block their die-gestion.
}
} == ZOT ==
}
} How many times must you be told.


927-10    (anst4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does the sky always fall on Chicken Little's head in the tales?  I
> mean, wouldn't it be more effective if it landed on one of the Other
> farm animal heads?  Keep in mind, I haven't finished the story yet, so
> please don't tell me how they keep the sky from falling.  Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The attraction between small chickens and falling skies is well
} documented. In. Sanders and Slye's landmark study (Sanders,Col. H. and
} Slye, L. "Twelve Piece Bucket, Lg. Coleslaw". KFC Press,1958) it was
} found that  actual impacts increase with the chicken's ability to
} speak. It is interesting to note that of all other animals interviewed,
} none could relate any instances of celestio-cranial contact. There is,
} however, a case (Goose, M. et. al. "The Three Little Pigs". Little
} Golden Books,1929) in which pigs reported two examples of houses nearly
} falling on them.


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