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Internet Oracularities #928

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Internet Oracularities #928    (99 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 10 Aug 1997 16:14:58 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   928
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

928   99 votes c7biP 6fqBf 7gnI9 7bvpp eouq5 eofug 4hFv6 3eowq gApi4 gwE65
928   3.2 mean  3.9   3.4   3.3   3.5   2.8   3.1   3.2   3.6   2.6   2.5


928-01    (c7biP dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                THE ADVENTURE OF THE BLANK TELEGRAM
}
}       Sherlock Holmes had had a busy five months.  It had started with
} the celebrated case of Mr. Ian Davis, who, in spite of being known to
} have had a fear of heights bordering on the neurotic, was found dead
} atop the statue of Admiral Nelson in Trafalgar Square.  It continued
} with a trip to Turkey to clear up a trifling matter for the Ottoman
} Empire, and concluded with a string of cases around England which had
} culminated in the arrest of Paul Kelly, the most peculiar arsonist that
} Europe has ever seen.
}       So when, suddenly, all this activity stopped, I was rather
} relieved than otherwise.  My friend's ascetism bordered on mania when
} he had a case on his mind, even his iron constitution was beginning to
} show signs of strain after so long a period with so little food or
} sleep.  But as the time of inactivity stretched to two weeks, and then
} to three, I became worried once again, for the dull look in Holmes's
} eye and his caged-animal demeanor showed me that he pondering returning
} to the habit of cocaine self-poisoning from which I had so carefully
} weaned him. Every morning he would pick up the Times, eagerly glance
} over the headlines, and cast it aside with a sneer when there were no
} sensational murders or daring robberies to report.
}       "Ah, Watson," said he, breaking in on my thoughts, "you know me
} too well.  But no, I shan't bring out my needle if it shall bring upon
} me such a barrage of criticism as it did last time.  But where have all
} the criminals gone?"
}       This last was in an exasperated tone, and I felt my roommate's
} pain.  "It seems to me, Holmes, that you have arrested them all, and
} frightened all the potential criminals into good citizenship.  But,
} really, Holmes, isn't that the object of your career?  To get rid of
} crime?"
}       "Yes, I fear that I share with doctors the singular distinction
} of working tirelessly to eliminate the need for my own services.  But
} things are looking up, for unless I am very much mistaken, here is a
} client."
}       The ring of the bell showed the correctness of his surmise, and
} presently Mrs. Hudson showed up our visitor, a distinguished-looking
} old gentleman dressed conservatively.
}       "Come in, sir," said my friend with that easy cordiality for
} which he was remarkable.  I glanced over our visitor, endeavouring to
} use Holmes's methods to learn what I could about our guest, but soon
} gave up, none the wiser for my troubles.
}       "I am sorry to disturb you gentlemen, but I need to consult with
} Mr. Holmes.  Inspector Lestrade sent me here from Scotland Yard."
}       "Ah, indeed," said Holmes, rubbing his hands together happily,
} "pray have a seat and tell us what is troubling you."
}       "Well, sir, it may not be anything at all, but it troubles me
} just the same.  This morning I received a reply-paid telegram which has
} left me completely baffled."
}       "What did it say?"
}       "Here it is, sir, you can read it for yourself."
}       Holmes looked over the message.  He then handed it to me, saying,
} "Well, Watson, what do you make of it?"
}       The body of the telegram read:
}
}       >
}       >
}
}       "What on earth does it mean?" I ejaculated.
}       Holmes laughed with his breathy, noiseless laugh at my
} astonishment.  "I think we'll need more explanation, Mr. Oracle.  Do
} you--"
}       Our visitor jumped up with surprise.  "How did you know my name?"
} he cried.
}       Holmes smiled.  "It is my business to know things.  Besides, I've
} found that if I explain my methods, I do not impress so much."
}       Mr. Oracle sat down again.  "It's a neat trick, anyhow.  I
} suppose there's no harm in you knowing a bit about me.  My name is,
} indeed, Oracle.  The Oracle.  I come from the States.  Indiana, to be
} exact."
}       "Really!" said Holmes, more interested in this information than I
} would have expected.  "I hadn't noticed any eccentricities of speech.
} But what a peculiar name!  Why did your parents christen you 'The?'"
}       "Oh, that's just a family name.  But I'm sure it has no bearing
} on the case."
}       "Quite.  Is there anyone you can think of who might send you such
} a telegram, perhaps as a joke?"
}       "No, sir, and even if they did, why should they send it
} reply-paid?  That is rather obscure to me.  But Inspector Lestrade
} didn't think the matter was worth his time.  He simply waved me away
} like a child."  A flash of the purest, most violent rage shone in our
} visitor's eye for a moment, but he quickly regained his self-control.
} "But he said he thought it was rather in your line.  What do you make
} of it?"
}       "Nothing, yet.  But certainly I shall look into it if it will put
} your mind at ease."
}       "I would be most grateful, Mr. Holmes."
}       "All right, I will make inquiries.  But before you go, where can
} I reach you?"
}       "I live at Steve Corners, on Kinzler Court."
}       "Off Bloomington Road?"
}       "Precisely, sir."
}       "Well, I shall contact you soon."
}       "Really, sir, I thank you."  He bowed gracefully to us both,
} doffed his hat, and stepped out.
}       No sooner had the door closed than Holmes said, "There goes one
} of the worst liars these rooms have ever seen, and there have been
} quite a few liars in here.  I shall follow Mr. The Oracle; don't expect
} me back before dinner," and stepped out.
}       I had not been impressed with the importance of the case until
} Holmes made that singular pronouncement.  Suddenly my mind was filled
} with questions.  Who was this Mr. Oracle?  What had he lied about?  Why
} was he lying?  From whom had he received the telegram?  These questions
} so filled my mind that I could not concentrate on the little
} yellow-backed novel which I was trying to read.  I soon gave up on my
} reading and resigned my thoughts to this peculiar case.  But I made
} neither head nor tail of it, and spent a long afternoon waiting for
} Holmes's return.
}       And a long evening, too; dinner came and went, and still there
} was no sign of my friend.  Still I waited.  More hours passed.  I heard
} the servants leave, and, after that, Mrs. Hudson lock up for the night.
} My lonely vigil stretched on. . .
}       When I woke up Holmes was sitting at the table, eating
} breakfast.  I stirred, and Holmes said, "Ah, Watson, you're awake.
} Sorry about last night--my inquiries took a bit longer than expected."
}       "That's all right," I replied, eagerly.  "What have you
} discovered?"
}       "Oh, much what I expected.  Come, have some eggs, and we can
} discuss how the case has progressed thus far."
}       I did as I was told, but Holmes was too busy attending to a slice
} of ham to talk to me.  I waited impatiently, and eventually Holmes
} said:
}       "Sorry.  I have been to Manchester and back without time for a
} meal, and was absolutely famished.  Now, I believe you were interested
} in that Mr. Oracle."
}       "He seemed a fascinating man."
}       "Well, I noticed your examination of him; come, tell me what you
} thought of him, and we can compare notes."
}       "He seemed to me to be a refined, honest gentleman, a leader of
} his community, and extremely intelligent."
}       Holmes laughed.  "Watson, Watson, Watson.  Ever the same.  How
} many times must I tell you that the first places to look when you
} examine a man are the bootlaces, hands, and trouser-knees?"
}       I was somewhat hurt by his mocking and said, with some asperity,
} "So what did you discover about him by your examination?"
}       "Come, now, don't take it so hard," said he, replying to my
} thoughts rather than my words as was his wont, "I'm sure you did a
} great bit better than most fellows would have done.  And in my
} profession I must look for different things than most others do.
} Regardless, all I was able to determine about our esteemed visitor was
} that he was left-handed, had hurried to see us, had lived in England
} for about two weeks, and had been recently married but was now trying
} to hide all trace of having done so."
}       "How on earth--"
}       "You know my methods, Watson."
}       "Well, you probably noted that his left hand was larger than his
} right--"
}       "A clever deduction!" cried Holmes.
}       "--and you probably noted his hurry by the state of his toilet--"
}       "Excellent!" said Holmes.
}       "--and the style of his clothing, which was most likely more
} American than British showed you that he had not been long in
} England--"
}       "You scintillate this morning!"
}       "--but how the devil did you determine that he had recently
} married and so forth?"
}       "Really, Watson, we'll make a detective of you yet.  You were
} completely wrong with all your reasons, but you were able to come up
} with plausible reasons for everything, which is better than any of the
} incompetents at Scotland Yard could do.  His hands were the same size,
} his toilet was impeccable, and his outfit was entirely English.  His
} left hand had that characteristic smear of ink across it which
} left-handers get when they write hurriedly, from which I deduced his
} haste as well. Did you notice the state of his complexion?  Well, it
} was a fading sort of tan, the sort of tan one has when one has spent
} time in the sunny tropics and then come to this island's rather dreary
} clime for a fortnight.  However, there was a band around his left
} ring-finger which was still pale, but covered with make up to hide the
} fact.  However, the band was a curious one in that it showed that rings
} had been in two different but overlapping places at two different
} times: for a short time, some time ago, it had been more distal, but
} then it had been moved closer to the main part of the hand.  What would
} cause that?  Obviously, the ring had been re-fitted.  At first, it was
} too small, so he had it made into something larger to be more
} comfortable.  But he would have done that soon after he got the ring,
} for why should wear an uncomfortable ring any longer than one has to?
} From this I deduced that the marriage must be recent."
}       "Wonderful!" I ejaculated.
}       "Elementary," Holmes replied.
}       "But then why did you go to Manchester?  As I recall, the
} telegram was sent from Great Yarmouth."
}       "Indeed it was, Watson.  However, our friend was kind enough to
} show us the label of his hat just before he left, and it was made by a
} milliner in Newcastle.  Now, even though his speech was polished and
} proper, his accent was not, and it was evident that he was not a native
} of Lancashire.  But why would he have sent away to a Manchester
} millinery if he had not been there?  He had clearly spent time in
} Manchester."
}       "I see.  But what about his London address?  Kisser Court, or
} whatever?"
}       "You are doing brilliantly this morning.  I checked with the
} house-agent in charge of Kinzler Court, and found that the home known
} as 'Steve Corners' had only been let last Friday."
}       "So what was the purpose of the blank, reply-paid telegram from
} Great Yarmouth, then?"
}       "I am convinced it was a blind, Watson.  Mr. Oracle was trying to
} distract me--perhaps to get me out to Suffolk and out of the way--for
} some reason."
}       "But why?"
}       "I don't yet know.  I thought it reasonable to assume that it had
} some connexion with his recent marriage, so I went to Manchester and
} thence to Liverpool, and looked at the port's registers.  I've
} discovered that the yacht 'Indiana Coastline,' owned by a certain 'The
} and Maria Oracle,' docked in from Costa Rica exactly two weeks ago, on
} July 18."
}       "And?"
}       "Liverpool seems an odd place to take an expensive yacht.  Rich
} tourists are usually sensible enough to avoid that dreary town like the
} plague.  Why had they gone there?  Were they following somebody?  It
} seemed the most likely reason.  Few American ships had set in of late,
} but one caught my eye.  The dinghy 'Hoosier Hovel,' with a 'Zadoc and
} Lisa Worm' listed as owners, set in on July 15, also from Costa Rica.
} 'Hoosier,' I believe, is a nickname for residents of Indiana."
}       "Quite so."
}       "So I deduced that the Oracles were following the Worms for some
} reason.  But once again I have fallen into your evil habit of telling
} my story backward."
}       "How so?"
}       "Because I spent a wild hour in London before I even boarded the
} train to Manchester.  I followed Mr. Oracle to Willson's Private Hotel,
} which is an eminently unrespectable little shack run by a Mr. Richard
} Willson.  I've had a run-in or two with Mr. Willson in the past, and I
} dared not enter the place undisguised.  So I proceeded to Kinzler
} Court.
}       "There I found--nothing.  It was obviously not intended by its
} owners for long-term habitation, and was almost entirely unfurnished.
} No one answered the door, and I didn't have my burgling tools with me,
} so I left.  Next I proceeded to the house-agents in charge of Kinzler
} Court, Noe & Atkinson's.  Neither partner was in yet, but their
} secretary, a Ms. Chevalier, was.  She was an amorous little woman who,
} with a shocking lack of decorum, attempted to seduce me right in the
} office.  It was a simple enough matter to gain access to the
} information I wanted, though I was forced to flee before she got out of
} hand.  Then I hurried to Victoria and thence to Manchester, with the
} result you have heard."
}       "So your next step is to go to Willson's Private Hotel?"
}       "Yes, I think that the key to this mystery lies there.  I should
} be back in time for lunch."
}       With that he stepped into his room, and emerged a moment later,
} with one of his remarkable transformations, looking like a low and
} scruffy sailor.
}       He was, indeed, not gone long, and when he returned he came with
} a disgusted look uncharacteristic of him.  "A complete waste, Watson.
} A complete waste."  He through himself down in his favourite armchair.
}       "But what has happened?" I asked eagerly.
}       "I proceeded to Willson's, and pretended to be a sailor looking
} for a room.  However, one has to be fond of certain rather peculiar
} amusements if one is to be a guest at Willson's--I believe the man has
} the largest collection of lacy lingerie in his own size in the
} world--and he is quite suspicious of newcomers.  'Oo recommended ya?'
} he said, in his deliciously low accent.  I gave the name of a
} confederate I had worked with in the past, and Mr. Willson's humour
} rose tremendously.
}       "'Well, cacoethes cantati,' said he--the man's only respectable
} passion is for injecting random and irrelevant Latin phrases into
} conversations for no apparent reason-- 'e's uh good customah.'  I soon
} found myself in Room No. 3 of Willson's.
}       "Having been admitted to the hotel, it was easy to gain access to
} Mr. Oracle's room and menage.  And what a menage it was.  When Mr.
} Oracle first let me in, it was impossible to determine what was going
} on.
}       "Soon I discovered that there were five people besides myself in
} that small room.  Two, a simpering little man and a lovely brunette
} woman, were chained to one bedpost.  Another woman, a dark,
} Spanish-looking beauty, was tied with all the sheets to another.
} Another woman--another beauty, this one bleach-blonde--was cavorting
} about with a whip, thoroughly enjoying whipping everyone else: Mr.
} Oracle, the other man, the other women, herself, and even, after I
} entered, myself. Everyone was screaming, blabbering, or howling--it's a
} wonder no one had called the police, but I imagine the neighbors are
} used to it by now--and Mr. Oracle was crawling around pretending to be
} the whipping-lady's pet dog.
}       "At length I determined that the whipping lady was Lisa Worm, and
} that the other man was her husband Zadoc.  The Spanish woman, bound
} with sheets, was of course Ms. Maria Oracle.  The other woman--the
} brunette--was 'Michelle,' but I don't recall her last name as having
} been mentioned.
}       "It seems that Maria, who was fiery with all the heat of her
} tropical blood, was so insanely jealous of her husband's old amours
} that she had determined to kill them.  Lisa and Michelle were
} apparently his old favourites--I tell you, Watson, the man is a worse
} Don Juan than was Don Juan--so he couldn't bear to have them killed.
} However, before I had arrived there had been a mass reconciliation, and
} they were having this sort of party to celebrate the event before
} heading back to Indiana as one big, happy harem.
}       "Since it was evident that they were trying to distract me from
} the planned murder, and that was no longer going to happen, I slipped
} off as soon as I could, which proved to be when Mr. Willson entered,
} wearing his favourite doilies.
}       "So this case that began with nothing, ended with nothing, and
} now I'm plunged back into the nothingness of ennui."
}       He reached for his violin, and lamented the normalcy of the
} world.


928-02    (6fqBf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most net-savvy, please tell me what a "Tolkien Ring" network is.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes, the little known Tolkien Ring topology.  This is an English
} innovation, based on a minimalist interpretation of RS-232, which used
} a three wire cable ( left - command, right - response, and middle -
} earth). Originally designed for use by amateurs, it was routinely
} hobbed together (i.e. assembled by a hobbyist, from the verb to hobbit)
} with spare parts from unused serial ports.  As can be noted from above,
} the Tolkien Ring is a command-response type network where all peers are
} connected such that their "receive" is connected to the "command" line
} and their "send" is connected to the "response".  Of course the Lord of
} the Ring has the reverse configuration.
}
} Some Tolkien Ring trivia:  The nodes on a Tolkien Ring are usually
} referred to as a "fellowship" because of their equal status (other than
} the Lord). Because of an implementation of the TR using radio
} telemetry, the command and response lines are sometimes called the Two
} Towers or simply the towers.  A little known fact is that the security
} system at Graceland is a TR implementation.  It has a special peanut
} butter and banana detector poised to announce the return of the King.
} Error detection and correction is handled through a high speed
} pseudo-redundancy scheme. TR designers coined the term for its
} throughput based on the number of pseudo-redundant (similar)
} transmissions per second, or one similar-million per second --
} shortened and mangled into "silmarillion".
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of subway Tolkiens.


928-03    (7gnI9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, what should I do next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are at a computer console in the university. Many people are
} working here. There is a computer here
} >inventory
} You have:
}  A biology textbook
}  A never used study guide
}  A pair of blue pliers
}  A pillow from the love suit of the leather goddes of phobes
}  Your sword is glowing blue
}  You also have 96 zorkmids
}
} >stand up
} You cant stand up with the keyboard in your lap
} >take keyboard off lap
} You remove the keyboard from your lap...and drop it. KLUTZ!
} >look at lab aide
} The lab aide is talking with somebody. She is not looking over here
} yet.
} >get keyboard
} The keyboard was attacked by an army of army ants and is destroyed
} The lab aide is heading over here
} >RUN!
} how?
} >Stand up
} with your chair still pulled in???
} >pull back chair
} You pull back from the desk.
} The Aide says, 'are you aware of our damage policy?'
} >say no
} the aide replies 'If you damage any part of a computer here, you must
} pay for the entire thing.'
} >smash computer with textbook and pliers
} In a fit of vengance, you decide if you have to pay for it anyway, it
} must die! You smash in the crt with the textbook and remove many wires
} with the pliers. The aide stares at you in terror.
} >stand up
} The aide is running to the phone
} >north
} As you head to the door you notice the campus security aproaching, and
} they look angry.
} >Fight guards with sword
} You do your best, but you just lack the training.
}  YOU ARE DEAD!
} you reached the rank of sophmore in 453 moves
} (R)estore (U)ndo R(e)start
}
} Zadoc! I told you never to link my text adventure games to the
} suplicant answerering machine!..oh well, save me from having to zot
} him.
}
} You owe the oracle, well..i'll visit you in purgatory once in awhile


928-04    (7bvpp dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The land is plagued by a terrible curse.  The evil empire of Micro$oft
> has bought out Apple!  The elders of my tribe have sent me to you, o
> Oracle, to ask what may be done about this.  Are we doomed forever to
> use the horrid products of Bill Gates?  Is there no way to stop the
> Micro$oft juggernut? You are our last hope.  How may we fight this
> menace before it is too late?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle device not ready
} Abort, Retry, Fail?


928-05    (eouq5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Get Rich Quick!!!  Before he escapes!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, if it weren't for the fact that you allude to a very
} serious crime, I would ZOT you within a micron of your life.
} However, you bring to light the colossal miscarriage of justice
} surrounding the case of young multitrillionaire Richard Rich.
}
} One might assume that the Rich family fortune was built up over
} generations of careful saving and investment.  Not so.  In fact,
} Richie, using his boyish charm, defrauded millions and engaged in
} every possible criminal act to amass his considerable wealth.  Petty
} theft, drug running (who would suspect such an innocent-looking
} kid?), extortion, you name it - Richie Rich was involved.  As his
} wealth grew, so did his scope of operations; before he was six he
} controlled the entire world's illegal drug supply, all U.S. law
} enforcement, and many third world countries.  All the while he built
} himself up as a respected philanthropist, concealing his operations
} through numerous false fronts.
}
} By now, Richie's victims are legion, but they cannot convince anyone
} that such a charming young boy, known for his generosity, was
} responsible for such worldwide evil.  Just as you did, they cry "Get
} rich quick!" in advertisements, Internet messages, letters circulated
} via email and conventional mail, etc.  In a misguided effort to
} increase circulation of their message, some have even resorted to
} making drastic promises of wealth to all those who would spread the
} "get Rich quick" word.  Thus did an important warning about the
} Richie Rich empire go unheeded, as it seems to be only so much junk
} mail.
}
} You owe the Oracle evidence linking Richie Rich to the murder that
} turned Casper into a ghost.


928-06    (eofug dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  #####
> #     #
>       #
>    ###
>    #
>
>    #

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    ?   ?
} ???????????
}    ?   ?
} ???????????
}    ?   ?


928-07    (4hFv6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, only you can truly prevent forest fires,
> please hear my pleas for help!
>
> Orrie, why is police headquarters in England called 'Scotland Yard'?
> Shouldn't it be 'England yard'?
>
> Which of course leads to - what is police headquarters in Scotland
> called??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's all part of a government scheme for greater unity within the
} United Kingdom. Major public buildings _in_ England are named for
} parts of the British Isles lying _outside_ England, to ensure that
} none of the other regions think that England is getting favourable
} treatment.
}
} Thus the headquarters of the Fire Service is Ireland House; the
} Postal Main Office is located in Wales Street; and The Inland
} Revenue have their offices in Isle Of Man Outside Toilet.
}
} Scottish Police Headquarters is called The Fewking Sassenach
} Bastids Building. They're trying, but they haven't quite got the
} hang of it yet.
}
} You owe the Oracle a government subsidy.


928-08    (3eowq dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh you omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient omnivore tellme
>
> What's the next fad after the Internet? I think its time to move on.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    You've gone to the movies!
}
}    You've listened to the radio!
}
}    You've watched hours and hours of television!
}
}    But it's not good enough, is it?
}
}    No, all of these media just lack that special something.  And, more
} importantly, they're all passe.
}
}    Even the Internet -- the greatest thing since Jaws 3-D -- has turned
} out to be something of a disappointment.  Traffic is high, congestion
} is rampant, and you knew that it was no longer cutting-edge when you
} discovered that your grandmother has her own page on Geocities.  No,
} you need something new.  Something now.  Something with more sensory
} stimulation than anything before it-- and you can be among the first to
} get in on the action!
}
}                    *** REAL LIFE [tm] is the answer! ***
}
}    Real Life [tm] combines a total-immersion interface with complete
} sensory stimulation!  You can SEE an apple, FEEL it, SMELL it, and
} TASTE it, all in the comfort of your own home, while you HEAR a
} full-featured soundtrack of local noises!
}
}    Chat rooms?  Who needs chat rooms, when you can speak to others in
} real-time, in full-motion video -- in BILLIONS of colors, and analog
} sound exceeding CD quality -- with no lag!  On demand, 24/7!
}
}    And forget MUDs -- walk outside and find an entire environment to
} explore, featuring trees, mountains, suburban dwellings, various
} weather systems, and more religious systems than you can shake a stick
} at! And you'll even find a touch of magic in the eyes of a child...
}
}    And what about all those .gifs you have cluttering up your hard
} drive? You COULD ask one of our Real Life [tm] service representatives
} about available "red light districts," but a more rewarding option is
} to find a suitable partner and discover just what you've been missing
} out on while you were surfing.  You'll wonder how you ever managed
} without it!
}
}    Real Life [tm] is available around the globe.  To order, simply
} unplug your computer, sacrifice the CPU to the Internet Oracle, walk
} outside, breathe in deeply, and say "Helllooooo, WORLD!"  Very few
} people have tried this lately, so you're sure to be a trendsetter!
} Satisfaction guaranteed, or else you'll just have to buy a new
} computer.  But hey, that's life.
}
}    You owe the Oracle a CPU, freshly sacrificed.


928-09    (gApi4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, please tell me:  what sort of "directed" e-mail
> spam could I expect to receive if I cross-posted a message to
> alt.skunks, comp.sys.apollo, rec.sport.cricket, soc.bi, rec.pets.herp,
> alt.binaries.cracks.encrypted, misc.books.technical,
> alt.flame.spelling, sci.agriculture.beekeeping, and
> talk.politics.mideast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I believe it would go something like this:
}
} GREETINGS FELLOW WEB SURFER!
} HERE'S THE LATEST NEW PUBLICATION FROM IDEEG BOOKS!!!
}
} CRICKET FOR DUMMIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
} HAVEN'T YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY, BUT JUST WEREN'T SURE JUST EXACTLY
} HOW TO GET STARTED?!!?  WELL NOW,  WITH THIS AMAZING BOOK, YOU CAN
} BEGIN YOUR JOURNEY INTO THE FASCINATING WORLD OF CRICKET!!
} LEARN ALL THE FUNDAMENTALS-  PITCHING, BATTING, STRUTTING ABOUT!!  AS
} WELL AS MANY INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT THIS AMAZING SPORT!!!!!!
} HERE ARE JUST A FEW OF THE MYRIAD POINTS COVERED IN THIS NEW BOOK!::::
}
} CRICKET TECHNIQUES!----
}
} -THE SNAKE IN THE GRASS PITCH
}
} -THE MONGOOSE TIED TO THE POLE BATTING RESPONSE TO THE SNAKE IN THE
} GRASS PITCH
}
} -THE HONEYCOMB DEFENSE!!!!!
}
} -THE POOH BEAR OFFENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
} -HOW TO SKUNK YOUR OPPONENT WITH FULL BOURGEOIS STYLE
}
} -ISRAELI RULES CRICKET!!!!    A FAST PACED, EXCITING NEW
} VARIATION!!!!!!
}
} CRICKET TRIVIA!------
}
} -THE GROWING INTEREST IN THE SPORT AMONG THE GAY/LESBIAN/BISEXUAL
} POPULATION, AND HOW TO KEEP YOUR BATS AWAY FROM YOUR BSDM FRIENDS
}
} -THE SECRET TO DECIPHERING THE INSIDER CRICKETONGUE FLOWING BACK AND
} FORTH ALONG THE INTERNET.  (YOU'LL REALLY "KNOW THE CODE" NOW!!!)
}
} -LEARN HOW THE MANAGEMENT OF APOLLO COMPUTER SYSTEMS IS ARRANGED LIKE A
} CRICKET TEAM, AND HOW THEIR OFFICE IS ACTUALLY SHAPED LIKE A CRICKET
} FIELD.
}
} AND BECAUSE IT'S PART OF OUR "FOR DUMMIES" LINE, IT'S ALL LAID OUT IN
} MIND BOGGLINGLY SIMPLE DETAIL!!!! YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED!!
} ORDER YOURS TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!
}
} You owe the oracle a cricket bat and a good spanking.


928-10    (gwE65 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> we have numerous birds that summer and nest in the northern hemisphere
> and spend our winters south of the equator.  why oh oracle most wise do
> we not have birds that  nest in the southern hemisphere in the summer
> and then migrate north to spend their winters in our summers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Birds don't like the Southern Hemisphere. The water in their birdbaths
} drains the wrong way.
}
} Those that can fly far enough to leave have already done so, leaving
} those birds unable to migrate. It's much like Detroit.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pheasant upside-down cake.


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