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Internet Oracularities #929

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929, 929-01, 929-02, 929-03, 929-04, 929-05, 929-06, 929-07, 929-08, 929-09, 929-10


Internet Oracularities #929    (90 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 12 Aug 1997 00:10:37 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   929
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

929   90 votes gqte5 jjoj9 5iura 8lGe5 6amxj 4fwu9 9qtk6 anwn2 7cquf 5gmti
929   3.1 mean  2.6   2.8   3.2   2.9   3.5   3.3   2.9   2.8   3.4   3.4


929-01    (gqte5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH! high netted one; giver of heart, finder of courage, pointer to ~,
> having a brain.
>
> Please bestow me the knowing, has Bill Gates made enough money to buy
> his soul back from the Devil, or should we just give him Sun.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, Bill Gates can't buy his soul back from the Devil
} with money -- however, he can get it back through luring
} souls to hell in his place.
}
} You see his plan is to plant seeds of evil all of the world,
} which will bother people just enough to take out aggressions
} on their friends, who take it out on their friends, etc.
} Tiny ripples of evil spreading all over.
}
} This seed is known as "Win95", and at last count, had spread
} enough evil to buy back hundreds of souls.
}
} You owe it to the Oracle to use a RISC based machine.


929-02    (jjoj9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O solemn yet hilarious Oracle, who sees the humor in all things,
>
> Which are better:  elephant jokes or knock-knock jokes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I prefer one-liners, actually.


929-03    (5iura dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What were the most important moments in the Battle of Gettysburg? This
> isn't for homework.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's good. I hate homework.
}
} There were three important moments in the Battle of Gettysburg. First
} came the attack by the North, which was known as the Tet Offensive
} because of the North's chronic shortage of "Tet", a popular deodorant
} of the day. During the early minutes of the attack, fully one-tenth of
} the South's forces were killed and the remainder were thoroughly
} dispersed.
}
} The battle continued uneventfully until Tuesday, when the South's
} reinforcements arrived and began to push back the North. This upset the
} North, who cried "Hey, stop that!" to which the South said "You started
} it!" This quickly degenerated into "Did so!", "Did not!", "Did so no
} reversals!", "No reversals doesn't count in wartime!", and "Does too!"
}
} Finally, on Sunday, after the big game, around dinnertime, the South
} began to retreat. This was often said to be the turning point in the
} entire war. It wouldn't have been the turning point except that North
} had missed the sign thirty minutes back, and then kept arguing that the
} turn was just about to come up, thereby dragging the whole war for
} another twenty miles, all the time threatening to "just turn this war
} around if you can't keep things quiet."
}
} You owe the Oracle a twelve-part series on PBS.


929-04    (8lGe5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Welcome to the Burger Czar, where the burgers are!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll have a char-broiled Peasant Burger, Imperial Fries, and
} a Fair Shake.  Oh, wait a minute, that's not on your menu...
} Gimme a child-size vodka, then.  Oh, and a dozen Despotic
} Doughnuts too, please, to go.  You don't allow take-out
} orders?  Well I guess I don't have any choice then - I'll
} eat here.
}
} You owe the Oracle a passport and an exit permit.


929-05    (6amxj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey there Omnipotent One! One moment while I drop to my belly in a an
> abject grovel...
>
> No doubt for the zillionth time (Please don't ZOT):
>
> Was this whole Apple/Microsoft deal thing your doing? It seems very
> characteristic of your style...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Close, but no cigar.
}
} (Scene: the checkout at Toys'R'Us(tm), somewhere in Seattle. An
} ancient whitebearded man joins a line just behind a couple with a
} young toddler in a pushchair: the Internet Oracle (for it is he)
} observes them for a few moments, then realises that they are Bill and
} Melinda Gates with baby Jennifer. He taps Bill on the shoulder.)
}
} IO: Long time no see, Bill! The contact lenses almost had me fooled.
}
} BG: Oh, hi! Yeah, that was a good piece of advice, Orrie, what brings
}     you here?
}
} IO: I'm low on batteries for the ZOT staff. You wouldn't believe how
}     many woodchuck-fanciers there are. Hello Melinda, it's really nice
}     to see you again. (Stoops to pushchair) And helllloooo Jen- Jen-
}     Jenny- Jenny- Jennifer!
}
} MG: Hi, Orrie.
} JG: Gooogooogooo!
} IO: Ouch! Ow!
}
} MG: Jennifer, let go! Let go the nice man's beard! I'm sorry, Orrie,
}     she doesn't understand "not-mine" yet, anything she wants she just
}     reaches out and grabs.
}
} IO: Can't think where she gets that from. And what brings you all down
}     from the mansion?
}
} BG: Well, Jennifer's looking around and exploring and everything, so we
}     reckoned it was time to start showing her words and letters and
}     things, and I said -
} MG: And I said no, Bill, you learnt from a picture book and it didn't
}     do *you* any harm -
} BG: - she's right of course, so here we are. And this is rather a nice
}     one.
}
} IO: Ah yes, a traditional alphabet picture book. "A is for..."
}
}     Omigods.
}
} (BG and MG look at each other, then start laughing out loud)
}
} MG: Riiiight! I told Bill to go and buy an A is for Apple picturebook
}     for Jennifer -
} BG: - and I was busy, and asked a secretary to do it, and she misheard
} MG: - and the next thing Bill knew -
} BG: - was I had this note "MacWorld keynote speech by video, invoice
}     for $150M follows, love Steve"!
}
} (BG and MG collapse laughing)
}
} IO: Well, I sure wouldn't like to be in *that* secretary's shoes!
}
} BG: Hey, rich men are supposed to collect works of art. She just gets
}     called curator from now on.
}
} IO: And what about Apple?
}
} BG: We've already booked Steve as the conjurer for Jennifer's 5th
}     birthday party. By that time she'll know better than to  break
}     her toys.
}
} IO: Ouch! Ow!
}
} You owe the Oracle some insanely wonderful false hair and theatrical
} adhesive.


929-06    (4fwu9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, who is probably compatible with every hardware and
> software system known to mankind, pease advise me.  I have a Mac IIsi
> with a 68030 CPU, and I understand that OS 8 won't run on my Mac
> because OS 8 requires at least a 68040.  As I see it, I have the
> following choices:
>
>       *       try to upgrade my IIsi to a 68040 CPU
>       *       buy a new Mac
>       *       live without OS 8
>       *       switch to a PC
>       *       commit hara-kiri
>
> Which would you say is the best alternative, or, if there isn't a best
> alternative, can you advise me as to the pros and cons of each.
> (Regarding the last one, would I have to do it right away?  We have a
> deadline coming up at work, and I'd hate to leave everyone in the
> lurch.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Technically, your *best* alternative is to sneak aboard the Space
} Shuttle Discovery on October 25th, 1999, and then convince the crew not
} to land until September 3rd -- but you didn't ask about that, so I
} won't bore you with the details.  Here are the pros and cons for the
} options you've listed:
}
} * Upgrade to a 68040 CPU.
} Pros: Cheap.  Roughly a 40% speed boost.
} Cons: Replaces your six-years-out-of-date CPU with a
}       *five*-years-out-of-date CPU.  Won't be able to
}       to run the Rhapsody OS when it comes out in '98,
}       so you'll have the same problem all over again
}       next year.  Can't run PowerPC software, either.
}
} * Buy a new Mac.
} Pros: Not as expensive as you might think.  With the
}       G3-based machines just around the corner, prices
}       are falling rapidly on 604e-based Macs; Power
}       Computing's PowerCenter Pro 180, for example, is
}       only $1695 -- and it runs about eight times faster
}       than your IIsi.  Will be able to run Rhapsody.
} Cons: You don't *have* $1695; if you did, you wouldn't
}       still have a IIsi in the first place.
}
} * Live without OS 8.
} Pros: Free.
} Cons: Boring.  Half the fun of having a computer is
}       getting to do new things with it; your life will
}       go on even if you're not running the latest
}       version of the Mac OS, but you'll find that you
}       spend a lot of time wishing you were.
}
} * Switch to a PC.
} Pros: Conformity.
} Cons: Conformity.  Bill Gates gets your immortal soul.
}
} * Commit hara-kiri.
} Pros: The Japanese consider it an honorable way to die.
} Cons: Messy and slow.  Bill Gates gets your immortal soul.
}
} You owe the Oracle $1695.


929-07    (9qtk6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who is the master of all he sees and hears, and is more
> clever than Micheal Jackson's plastic surgeon, tell this most humble
> supplicant the BIG question. What is the meaning of life? (And please
> dont say "Forty-two")

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *sigh*
}
} I gave you writing, so you wouldn't keep asking me the same
} question over and over again. Then, when there were too many of
} you, I gave you the printing press. After a while, there were too
} many of you again, so I gave you radio. You just kept on increasing,
} so I gave you TV, although that was a mistake - too much MTV and not
} enough PBS. Finally I gave you the Internet, but it's becoming
} clear you weren't ready for that one.
}
} I'm beginning to think it was a mistake to make my first answer to
} this question, "go forth and multiply." I should have gone with my
} first instinct and said it in two words, total seven letters.
}
} In your case, the meaning of life is to serve as an example to
} others of the dangers of unrestricted net access.
}
} (See also: 899-07, 891-05, 843-07, 840-08, 825-01, 824-08.....)
}
} You owe the Oracle a search of the past Digests before asking your
} next question.


929-08    (anwn2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most holy Oracle, whose dust-crusted sandals I am less than worthy
> to clean with my Scooby-Doo toothbrush....
>
> I've heard a rumor that, just like the year 2000 problem everyone is
> having, the Oracle will have problems once the Internet-Oracluarities
> list reaches 1000.  We are currently on 922 and I was wondering what
> to do about it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ironically enough, it will have an unusual effect. Due to a small
} glitch in the oracularity server, it will take anyone who has
} asked more than a certain number of questions, without answering
} the questions they receive, a question of its own. The net result
} will be, simply put, nearly every member of America Online who has
} participated in the Oracularity concept will be asked "hO\/\/ /\/\uCh
} \/\/00d \/\/oU1d a \/\/o0dC/-/uck cHuck 1f a w00dc|-|Uc|< <0u|d C\-\uCk
} \/\/oOd?" And they will receive it several hundred times, overloading
} the server and causing a nationwide AOL busy signal. (If you get a
} busy signal around that time, now you know the REAL reason).
}
} Personally, I'm looking forward to it. What can you do to prepare...I
} would suggest first answering EVERY question that comes, and if you're
} on AOL...PRAY.
}
} You owe the oracle an evil cackle delivered under a full moon.


929-09    (7cquf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him,
>      is he still wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       "Master..."
}       "Yes, Grasshopper?"
}       "It's a koan, isn't it?"
}       "Very good, Grasshopper.  And what does the koan mean to you?"
}       "Well, Master, I think it's sort of like the old riddle."
}       "Which old riddle, Grasshopper?"
}       "The one that goes, 'How many feminists does it take to change a
} light bulb?'"
}       "And what is the answer, Grasshopper?"
}       "The answer is, 'That's not funny!'"
}       "And what does it mean?"
}       "It means that feminists have a trait in common with other
} unreasonable fanatics:  as a general rule, they have no sense of humor."
}       "Excellent, Grasshopper.  And how did the koan remind you of the
} old riddle?"
}       "Well, the koan isn't funny, either..."
}       *       *       *
}       You owe the Oracle David Carradine's autograph.


929-10    (5gmti dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, how's it hanging?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you're referring to your fate, by a thread.


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