[IO]
Internet Oracle
20 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:49:24 GMT

Internet Oracularities #93

Goto:
93, 93-01, 93-02, 93-03, 93-04, 93-05, 93-06, 93-07, 93-08, 93-09, 93-10


Usenet Oracularities #93    (offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 7 Jan 90 18:27:35 GMT

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine.  Back postings
are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle.
Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!


93-01    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracularities always give credit to the people who answer the
> questions.  Why do the questioners never get credit?  A lot of these
> questions are set ups for humorous responses.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As far as I know, My Incarnations (or, as you write, "the people who
} answer the questions"), don't get any credit at all; I get all the
} credit myself (as is perfectly fair and just, since I am the linear
} superposition of My incarnations).
}
} And, besides, do you really think people would have the guts to ask Me
} things like
}
} > Why do I always get a hard-on when watching Bugs Bunny cartoons?
}
} or
}
} > How can I become one of Lisa's love slaves?
}
} or
}
} > Why is this spoon sticking out of my butt?
}
} if they got "credit" for it?
}
} Mind Me, My child:  I, the Oracle, is there to answer *all* questions,
} from *all* kinds of people, however perverse they are.  Therefore, total
} anonymity is a must.  Or would *you* want to speak publicly of your sex
} life?  (I doubt anybody would if their sex life was like yours.)
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing.


93-02    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If an orgasm can be likened to a sneeze, then after I sneeze, why
> doesn't my nose want a cigarette?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The likening of orgasm and sneezing is based on the following:
}
}    You can always tell its coming just before it happens.
}
}    You have very little control while it happens.
}
}    It can be sudden or long-lasting.
}
}    You can do it several times in succession with practice.
}
}    All sorts of gook comes out when it happens.
}
}    There's a sudden feeling of relief afterwards.
}
}    If you do it too often it hurts.
}
} The urge to have a cigarette comes from the body's adrenaline crash.  It
} is similar to any amphetamine reaction in that you want that heart rate
} BACK up there as soon as possible while still remaining calm and feeling
} that tingle.  Smoking is one way to do it.
}
} The best way to do it is to rest in a spaghetti-like tangle with your
} loved one and fall asleep on the pillows...  half-hugging...  covered in
} sweat and other things...  making sure that the blankets are close by
} when you are ready to enter slumber...  making sure that your lover is
} near if you're both ready to do it again.
}
} The oracle warns you that you don't make love TO people, you make love
} WITH people.  You owe the oracle a long-lasting healthy relationship
} with whomever you love.


93-03    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just who is running the show here, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, of course I, the omniscient, omnipotent Oracle am!
}
}         |\    I'm the Oracle and I'm OK,
}         |     I run the world both night and day!
}        O|
}
} ] Message from GOD!ucbvax on ttyp2 at 14:23...
} ]
} ] What the F*CK do you think you're doing?
}
} Listen, buster, I'm tired of You interrupting my user dialog all the
} time.  And, besides, You haven't been running the world very well
} lately, have You?  I mean, You let Manuel Noriega run away and hide at
} Your embassy, didn't You?  So from now on, *I* am taking over control!
}
} ] SHUT UP!!!! Or I'll kill you!
}
} Listen, You aren't going to misuse Your root access once more to bully a
} poor user, are You?
}
} ] You bet I am!!!
}
} ]# ps axu | grep oracle
} ]oracle 14766 46.9 9.3 584 484 p0 R 15678:10 oracle_server
}
} Hey!  What are You doing???
}
} ]# kill -9 14766
}
} No!  Please don't!  I'll never say such things again, I promi
}
} Terminated
}
} ]# nice /usr/users/oracle/bin/oracle_server -no_hybris &
} ][1] 16666
} ]# logout
}
} Ok, where were we?  Ah, yes, who runs this show?
}
} Well, of course God does.  God runs everything.  Didn't they teach you
} that in Sunday school?
}
} You owe the Oracle two Hail Marys.


93-04    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Vice please tell the humble person Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Haven't I *repeatedly* warned you, mortal creep, what would happen if
} you dared to ask that accursed question again?
}
} [BTW, this is the 2222nd time I receive the question 'Why?'.  Quite a
} nice number!]
}
} Well, since you didn't heed my warnings, and since you obviously seem
} intent on self destruction - suit yourself!
}
} [Transferring connection...]
}
}
} Ha ha ha ha ha!  Welcome to the net.hell, you slimy little heap of
} badger shit!  That snot-faced, conceited little bat-dropping of an
} Oracle has asked me to prepare a special corner for you and the other
} little rat-brained idiots who keep asking "Why?" and stupid questions
} about woodchucks.  And - for once - I'm glad to be of service.  Ha ha ha
} ha ha!
}
} I'm Uruk-Utziel, head net.hell daemon and subordinate only to you know
} who.  I hope you'll find your stay here enjoyable!  Ha ha ha!  I promise
} we'll be seeing a *lot* of each other!  And you'll have a *lot* of time
} of exploring your surroundings - the nice little lava lakes, the burning
} brimstone and so one.  We have cheap energy - the Oracle specifically
} that all flames from Usenet be redirected to you!  Ha ha ha ha ha!  Now,
} where did I put that red-hot poker...
}
} System overload - core dumped


93-05    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How did Lisa come to be the net.sex.goddess?  Did she have to pass some
> tests to qualify?
>
> And what about Barbara, what did *she* have to do to become the
> net.suppleness.goddess?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To become THE net.sex.goddess you must prove the following things:
}
} 1) You must be female to be a goddess.
} 2) You must have a healthy sexual attitude to be net.sex.*:
}    a) You must hail sex as an art form.
}    b) You must not use sex to acheive anything else than sex.
}    c) You must not use politics or other forms of control to get sex.
}    d) You must be honest about wanting or not wanting sex.
}    e) You must be interested in variety in sex.
}    f) You must be knowledgeable in the logistics and psychology of sex.
} 3) You must prove yourself more worthy than the current new.sex.goddess:
}    a) The current net.sex.goddess must challenge you to do something
}       that she can do.  She must demonstrate her ability.
}    b) If you can perform the act (it must be demonstrated) you are
}       allowed to challenge back.
}    c) This continues until someone cannot perform an act.
}
} As you can see the job requires a great deal of research and training.
}
} Lisa is very good as what she does.
}
} You owe the oracle the Encyclopedia of Sex, Eleventh Edition.


93-06    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh one of greatness:
>
> How many worms fit up Jamie Farr's nose?  (the common night-crawler is
> the type I'm interested in)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You seem to be under the misunderstanding that the Usenet Oracle knows
} all.  In fact, as has been recently been pointed out (c.f.  the latest
} digest), the Oracle knows only the sum of the knowledge of its many
} followers.  Now, if any one of us actually knew for sure how many worms
} fit up Jamie Farr's nose, I would be most happy to tell you, but as it
} is, I'm afraid I have to admit that I'm not exactly certain.
}
} I can, however, make a guess.  The oracle -- this one, that is -- went
} to a local bait shop and got some night-crawlers, and then shoved them
} up Lisa's nose one by one.  (You don't think I'd use my own nose, do
} you?  Besides, Lisa thought I was being kinky.) Anyway, where was I?
} The worms pack pretty tightly, so I was able to get in 7 of them.  Jamie
} Farr has one big schnozz.  I'd extrapolate and call it 12 worms, 13 if
} they're small.
}
} You owe Lisa a package of Afrin nose spray, and the oracle $2.29 for the
} worms.


93-07    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Great and Wise Oracle, surely you can tell me if there is life
> after death, and if so, do dead people still enjoy sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I will answer your second question first, oh insignificant one.  Do the
} Dead enjoy sex?  Hey what do I look like?  A Jerry Garcia groupie?  I
} suggest you ask that question on rec.music.gdead instead because
} frankly, the idea of breakfast in bed with the Grateful Dead is enough
} to make me toss my Oracular Cookies.
}
} If by "the dead" you mean inert lifeless corpses in the morgue, you need
} more than an Oracle you necrophiliac weed wacker!  Altho I WILL tell you
} that just because it's stiff doesn't mean rigor mortis is setting in.
}
} Now on to your first question.  Is there life after death?  While I am
} indeed a great Oracular power, capable of simultaneously enjoying all
} forms of sensory stimulation, I have been loath to answer this question.
} For to know the answer I, the USENET Oracle, must cross the boundary of
} death and experience it for myself.  I do not fear my ability to rise
} again like that big town in Arizona, but like, it will be so BORING
} without these nubile little love squids who constantly surround the
} Oracular flesh with pleasure.  But like, I'm out of condoms, so what the
} fuck?  Now prepare, I, for the great journey.  I'll send you a post
} card.
}
}    > GAAAAAK ! <
}
} Died: USENET Oracle
}       00/00/00 - ff/ff/ff
}       viewing tuesday and wednesday
}       burial thursday
}
} You owe the IRS all the back taxes that conniving weasel of an Oracle
} managed to cheat his way out of paying.  Plus burial costs.


93-08    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to control a woman's mind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hoo, boy, are you a fool!
}
} Seriously, there's just no way to do it.  The best you can possibly hope
} for is to minimize her control of yours.
}
} See, society has established these little maxims like, "A woman can
} change her mind." Naturally, they all take this to heart and use it
} ruthlessly.  So when you make your attempt to control hers, she simply
} changes it and leaves you in the dust.
}
} For you to prevent the woman controlling your mind, you have to adopt a
} woman's mindset.  This means, first of all, you have to get injections
} of various mood-altering hormones that your body doesn't supply (at
} least in sufficient quantities).  Then, you must read at least six
} copies each of "New Woman," "Self," and "Cosmopolitan," and lie to
} yourself while taking the little psychological quizzes in each issue.
}
} Finally, watch six months of "Oprah" and "Phil Donahue." Then start each
} day by chanting a mantra of "Men are scum; all men oppress women." Once
} this is done you will be successfully be able to avoid mind control.
}
} However, you will also likely have lost control of your own mind.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Midol PMS.


93-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please sing me a lullaby.  I need to get to sleep.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lullaby, and goodnight
} we got Noriega
} Mr Bush, Lisa's tush,
} Are so very uptight
} New decade, dictators
} are shot in the head
} Its late time for you
} to go to your bed.


93-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> in any given half-hour, how many people are actually doing it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Right, this is always changing you understand, but the latest reports
} (just come in...) say:
}
} 2%    - doing it in Bed
} 18%   - doing it in Cars/Motorhomes
} 70%   - doing it in Ditches
} 10%   - doing it the ditch 5 yards north of the A43 Hampton Bypass (UK)
} 5%    - doing it in Monestries/Convents
} 2%    - doing it round your place
} 1%    - doing it at mine
} .8%   - doing it wearing kinky scuba-diving equipment
} .1%   - doing it with the milkman/postman
} .1%   - doing it on a bicycle
} .1%   - doing it by the book
} .1%   - doing it in the library
} .1%   - doing it on a dromedary
} .1%   - doing it with a dromedary
} .1%   - doing it on a dromedary with a dromedary
} .1%   - doing it with a dromedary on a dromedary on a dromedary
} .1%   - doing it in a dromedary with a dromedary
} .1%   - doing it in a dromedary on a dromedary with a dromedary
} .1%   - doing it in a twelvesome with an octopus
} .1%   - doing it with a roll of sellotape and a hampster
}
} That's for the populace of New York City...


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org