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Internet Oracularities #930

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930, 930-01, 930-02, 930-03, 930-04, 930-05, 930-06, 930-07, 930-08, 930-09, 930-10


Internet Oracularities #930    (82 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 14 Aug 1997 10:49:46 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   930
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

930   82 votes 8dqnc cmzb2 dlkq2 8npi8 3amBa iufc7 5jyj5 iyj83 9dnpc biucb
930   2.9 mean  3.2   2.6   2.8   2.9   3.5   2.5   3.0   2.3   3.2   2.9


930-01    (8dqnc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose credit rating has an infinate number of A's, please
> tell me...
>
> Are bankers really human, or are they scum-sucking, brain-dead,
> leeching greed-heads who deserve nothing more than to be hosed down
> with oven cleaner before being flogged naked through a patch of cactus
> and then driven over a cliff into a pit of molten lava?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Calm down, Mr. Clampett. We don't need any more feuds around here.
} Yes, Mr. Drysdale lied to you _again_. Yes, he's pretentious and
} boorish. Yes, Ellie Mae's newborn son looks a little like him. But --
}
} Put down that shotgun! Put it DOWN! Where are you going to find a
} preacher at this time of night? Stop it!
}
} Now, where was I? What you may not realize is that you, your mother,
} your daughter, and your nephew have all been living out an allegory
} of Western Civilization. You are Antrobus, the Everyman, wise in
} your simplicity and kind to your fellows. Granny represents the
} combustible elements of the human soul, the excitement that is
} aroused by discoveries, frontiers to explore, revenooers sniffing
} at one's cache of Tennessee corn-squeezings.  Jethro is the naive
} thirst for knowledge and sophistication, the impulse to count the
} stars at night and do some cipherin' ... three, six, naught, naught,
} there's at least forty-seven of them buggers up there! Finally, Ellie
} Mae is Eros, the human need for raw sexuality. Her fascination with
} her "critters" is a cosmic hint concerning a certain trans-species
} affinity that you humans have long suppressed.
}
} That's not snoring I hear, is it?
}
} *sigh*
}
} <CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG!!!> VITTLES IS SERVED!!!
}
} Now, stay awake! Oh, all right, here's a plate of pureed possum
} for you. >>POOF<< Pay attention.
}
} Everyman (you) discovers a vein of exploitable resources out in the
} untamed wild. Greed and vanity (Mr. and Mrs. Drysdale) tempt you out
} of your unspoiled surroundings into a plastic land of inauthenticity
} and existential angst. Ms. Jane Hathaway, who suggests an entwining
} of moral uprightness and dog-ugliness, tempers the interaction between
} their wicked schemes and your naive acceptance by ...
}
} Dangit. Snoring again.
}
} PAW! LOOKIE HERE! THERE'S A BOBCAT IN PEARL'S PETTICOAT! FETCH THE
} SHOTGUN!!
}
} No, not really. Stop pointing that thing at me. If it goes off, I'll
} *ZOT* you right where you used to _really_ _itch_ long about January.
}
} All right, Jed, let me give it to you straight: Mr. Drysdale is part
} of you. You and he are tied together. You're like yin and ya -- no,
} that'll put you back to sleep.
}
} Is this simple enough? If you give him that shotgun blast to the
} nether regions that's been making your trigger finger itch, you'll
} have to figure out the tax code all by yourself. He may be evil,
} but last year he got you a big enough tax refund to hire Bill Gates
} to play ukulele at Ellie Mae's slumber party. Lay off him.
}
} You owe the Oracle a check. Just start writing numbers and stop when
} your doctor diagnoses Carpal Tunnel syndrome.


930-02    (cmzb2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a live walrus sitting on my computer, and it looks angry.  Is
> this something that should cause me concern?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Absolutely not!  There are NO scientific studies proving
} conclusively that walruses can be damaging to a person's health.
} Not even second-hand walrus exposure is worth fretting about.  Really.
} But if you're STILL concerned, the best way to ensure that walruses
} will STAY safe for the general public (that includes you) is to donate
} generously to your preferred political party on behalf of the Blubber
} Industry.  But above all, relax!  Those tusks aren't real!  Enjoy your
} new friend.  He's just a little touchy right now because he's teething.
} But just incase he ever does get restless, he'll probably go for
} your large neighbor from across the street first, provided that he's
} standing closer to the walrus than you.  Simply position yourself,
} your neighbor, and good ol' Wally advantageously, and you're all set.
} No worries!


930-03    (dlkq2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how to access usenet through email or listserv

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Answering this kind of question is not my Forte, but I'll give it a
} shot.
}
} Accessing through email is the easiest. What you need to do is get the
} email addresses of 12 people who read the newsgroup in which you're
} interested. (12 is the preferred number because more than that is
} impolite, but less than that and there's a chance it won't work.) These
} twelve people are your Newswatchers.
}
} Anyway, ask someone to help you write a login script that sends an
} email message to each of the 12 people for each newsgroup each time you
} connect to your service provider. This email message should contain the
} equivalent of the following text (change the newsgroup to be the one
} you wish to receive):
}
} > Hi! Could you forward me all the posts in
} > alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.fighting.fish?
} >
} > Thanks!
}
} This will guarantee you lots of email.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tin of rn.


930-04    (8npi8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Orrie,
>
> Why do you pretend to be wise when I receive answers that have less
> intelligence than a woodchuck?
>
> Yours no more, Globbb.
>
> PS.  I have grown tired of your Zot's, which seem never to arrive
> anyway.  I will now seek wisdom from my dog, who have bigger ears.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear, dear supplicant. You don't know all that much, do you?
}
} The question you ask can be analogous to asking "How can you say
} you're so tall, when every time I meet you, I can't smell anything?"
} Your question is nonsense, and I'll explain why.
}
} Intelligence and Wisdom are two very different things. It is possible
} to be one, but not the other. In your case, I can see that you lack
} intelligence, but I can't remark about your Wisdom, do you see?
}
} Intelligence is a measure of raw knowledge. An intelligent man
} knows that you use an RS-232 Cable to connect a Daktronics EDU to
} an Intel x86 COM port. If you know a lot of individual things, then
} you have great intelligence. Obviously, being all-knowing, I have
} much intelligence, but not many people ask the oracle questions that
} require intelligence, usually I need Wisdom.
}
} Wisdom is a measure of the application of intelligence. A wise man
} knows to put an umbrella over his head, because he will not get wet
} if he does. If he does not get wet, he may not get ill. If he does
} not get ill, he can still work and earn money, because if he didn't
} earn money, he would not be able to buy food, he would starve and die.
} This series of thoughts marks wisdom, but of course to a rather lesser
} degree, since any idiot can realize that you'll get wet if you don't
} use an umbrella. It was the oracle who first explained to one of
} the first cavemen that it's not a good idea to throw his pregnant
} mate into the fire. A man that can apply ALL of his intelligence to
} a quandary is considered very wise.  Even if the man has very little
} knowledge, if he uses it all, he is still wise, although many people
} may not recognize it.
}
} Most people don't want to know "How many potato chips are in a bag",
} most people want to know "What can I DO with 349 potato chips?"
} Most people ask the oracle for wisdom, not intelligence. The people
} who ask intelligent questions, get intelligent answers. Everybody else
} gets just plain fluff.
}
} As to the ZOT staff, it's a slightly more sophisticated tool then it
} used to be. In the past, it was sufficient to reduce an irritating
} supplicant to a pile of smoldering ashes. This effect has a slight
} drawback, and that is the fact that a smoldering pile of ashes tends
} to attract law suits and lawyers. Instead the ZOTs that we give now
} have a simple effect of detracting from the victim's intelligence.
} We didn't want to decrease the wisdom of the foolish supplicants,
} as this would increase the number of supplicants asking mindless
} questions, but by removing intelligence, the supplicant becomes
} wiser, as we tend not to eliminate commonly used knowledge, thus by
} the removal of unused knowledge, the used to unused ratio improves,
} and we have more wisdom. Unfortunately, we end up with wise morons.
} This ensures that the Oracle will never lose his job. Thank you very
} much for your support.
}
} So, you can see exactly why you get the answers that you do, and the
} fact that you consult with your dog's ear further proves my point
} about the ZOT staff. According to my records, you should be somewhere
} between Dan Quayle and a turnip. You're actually progressing faster
} then you should. If you wouldn't mind, please send me a sample of your
} brain tissue, so that we might understand why ZOTs are affecting you
} more quickly then normal.
}
} Thank you for your time, and you owe the oracle a picture of your
} dog's head...shaved.


930-05    (3amBa dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I walk the line.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not a bad idea. Most of our geometric units paper trained pretty
} easily, but lines are a hard case. We eventually got the parallelogram
} to use the litterbox, but the line can't seem to catch on to the idea
} of cutting itself off -- it just wants to run on and on and on ...


930-06    (iufc7 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So...
>
> What's a nice deity like you doing in a dump like this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SHEESH!  Can't i take a vacation?  i curl up in a nice TRS-80, and a
} supplicant STILL manages to find me.
}
} ______________101 reasons to sleep in a TRS-80 (c) _________________
}
} 1. No one minds (who uses 'em anyways?)
} 2. Bullet proof
} 3. Vacuum tubes make good lovers
} 4. Power Supply keeps yer pizza warm.
} 5. ever sleep within a sun?
} 6. If you make you bed on the floppy disk drive, it massages ya
} 7. Some like it hot
} 8. the BOFH told me to
} 9. actually it was the PFY
} 10. Nudists hate it
} 11. yer mother is a nudist
} 12. you get to mount the disk drive
} 13. radiation from monitor provides nice green glow
} 14. dust mites are friendly
} 15. except for the really big ones
} 16. or the nudist dust mites
} 17. is Zadoc a nudist?
} 18. Wanna complimentary gif?
} 19. it's better than a hovercraft full of eels
} 20. it only costs 14 Zorkmids a night
} 21. My sword is glowing blue.
} 22. Wait uh.. that not a sword...
} 23.  NeverMind!
} 24. Cpu's are sexy.
} 25. girls from Cmu are sexy
} 26. girls with cpus at Cmu are sexy
} 27. no, I'm not a Cmu girl with a cpu at msu.
} 28. are you?
} 29. 42.
} 30. Are you a Supercalafragalisticexobitionist?
} 31. would you like to sleep here too?
} 32. I'll leave the red led on for you.
} 33. if you can't come, send me a picture at cpugirl@cmu.edu
} 34. would you like a cigarette?
} 35. thank you, that was divine
} 36. I am no longer infected
} 37. really, I'm not
} 38. why? because.
} 39. because what? I gave it to you. see? i don't have it any more.
} 40. living in one always a good conversation starter. (you live in a
}     trailer down by the river? well, i live in a tsr-80!)
} 42. 29.
} 43. device 41  no longer available.
} 44. Capacitors make great pillows
} 45. a good place to practice yodeling
} 46. no one cares if yer naked.
} 47. It's just not a good idea
} 48. especially if it's plugged in.
} 49. Unless your Zadoc.
} 50. Did you get you winky caught in the cpu fan?
} 51. HA! didn't think i'd get this far did ya!?!
} 52. it is fun being in peoples computers and screw things up.
} 53. What? you thought you saved that document? let me fire up my
}     degauser here....
} 54. Pimpbot 5000 told me to
} 55. The spice girls are here
} 56. bring your noose
} 57. or your moose.
} 58. A moose bit my sister once
} 59. No really
} 60. Moose bites can be nasti mind you
} 61. This is to inform you that the incarnation responsible for this
}     list has been sacked. we are sorry for the inconvienice
} 62. whats the topic?
} 63. sleeping in a trs-80? why would anyone want to do that?
} 64. well, here goes
} 65. My mommy told me to
} 66. i like it
} 67. the green m&m on tv is sexy
} 68. What, i did not mean to say that
} 69. Arghhh...this list is stupid anyway, whose idea was this??
} 70. i quit!
} 71.
} 72.
} 73. please stand by, technical dificulties
} 74. or sit if you like
} 75. just relax with your cigar
} 76. perhaps some good wine too
} 77. i just have to take this cattle prod and fix our problem
} 78. YEOCH!!!!!!!!
} 79. This is to inform you that after a few thousand volt from the ZOT
}     prod the replacement is ready to return..in once piece
} 80. well not really
} 81. whooo..kewl when will the room stop spinning?
} 82. i'll just eat these harmless looking mushrooms while i wait
} 83. hey! i'm donald duck!
} 84. Quack Quack Quack!
} 85. ZOT
} 86. This is to inform you the people responsible for sacking the people
}     who have been sacked have been sacked and replaced by the people
}     that were sacked previously
} 87. whoa, can you diagram #86 out for me?
} 88. kill teachers
} 89. the last replacement is in detox
} 90. if i just spew out a few more who will notice a little fluff?
} 91. beer
} 92. spam is god
} 93. lisa and zadoc have a kid
} 94. but its wherebouts are unknown
} 95. jukeboxes give me a rash
} 96. see? right there
} 97. indecency? Ok, i'll get that back on
} 98. anyways, about lisa and zadocs kid
} 99. nobody knows its name or its whereabouts
} 100. in fact the only person who knows..
} 101. is me. and i will reveil it in the next #
} 102. out of subscript error
}
} you owe the oracle your tsr-80, and get the case back on, i'm trying to
} sleep here!


930-07    (5jyj5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>
>       I am answering Oracular mail, and some crumb-bum didn't grovel.
> Can you believe it?
>
> Please compare and contrast the following methods of punishment, pros
> and cons:
>
> 1. Boot to the Head
> 2. Tickle Torture by Lisa
> 3. Replacement of Computer with Mac
> 4. Chinese Water Torture
> 5. Bamboo Under Fingernails
> 6. Answering Oracular Mail from AOL
> 7. 50 Copies of MAKE MONEY FAST Spam
> 8. No more Mystery Science Theater 3000
> 9. Web Server Blown Up
> 10. Good Old Fashioned Zot

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  Good question.  Too bad about the lack of a grovel.  Well, you'll
} make a good test case for all these ideas:
}
} 1. Boot to the Head
} KICK! STOMP!  "Ow!"  <<Supplicant slumps to floor.>>
}
} OK, let's see what the results are:
}
} Pro:  You'll never forget to grovel again.
}
} Con:  You can't stagger to the computer to answer your question,
} filling up the queue, requiring one of those annoying "askme" banners,
} and encouraging dweebs to just ask for questions without coming up with
} any themselves.
}
} 2. Tickle Torture by Lisa
} "Stop that!!! Please!!! Oh, yes, Yes, YES!!!"
}
} Pro:  Lisa is always randy afterwards.
}
} Con:  Have to clean up the sheets in here.
}
} 3. Replacement of Computer with Mac
} "Hey!  This computer hit me!"
}
} Pro:  Bill Gates is out $89.95 for Windows 95
}
} Con:  Mac filed a lawsuit
}
} 4. Chinese Water Torture
} Forget it.  I only get 24 hours to answer this question.
}
} 5. Bamboo Under Fingernails
} EEEWWWW!   Sorry, somethings are too gross even for me.  Zadoc!
}
} "Yes, Master!"
}
} You do it.
}
} Zadoc's comments:
}
} Pro:  I like the feel of the fingernail finally giving way as the
} bamboo goes in.
}
} Con:  Only twenty nails.
}
} Sorry about that, supplicant.  The boy just doesn't get out much.  I'm
} sure they'll all grow back, soon.
}
} 6. Answering Oracular Mail from AOL
} H0w MuCH W00D CAN uh W00DCHUK CHUK?
}
} "HE CAN CHUK AS MUCH W00D
}
} Hey no fair.  You're from AOL yourself!
}
} 7. 50 Copies of MAKE MONEY FAST Spam
} And in what way is this different from anyone else's everyday
} experience?
}
} 8. No more Mystery Science Theater 3000
}
} Pro:  Can't watch the inane antics of Mike and the robots between
} scenes
}
} Con:  Can't watch the inane antics of Mike and the robots between
} scenes
}
} 9. Web Server Blown Up
} This is punishment?
}
} 10. Good Old Fashioned Zot
} ZOT!  ZOT!  ZOT!  ZZZZOOOOTTTT!!!!
}
} <Thunk>
}
} Pro:  Supplicant won't ask any more questions
}
} Con:  Supplicant won't answer any more questions (see 1)
}
} All in all, I'll go with #2.  Zadoc can clean up.


930-08    (iyj83 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oracle,
>
> I have seen the ultimate yin and yang of the universe; you yourself
> have just sent me a hilarious answer for one question and then ZOTted
> me for not groveling "enough" on the next. Personally witnessing these
> opposite displays so close to one another has released control of the
> previously unused parts of my brain and racial memories, giving me
> near-omniscience. I want to use this knowledge to help mankind's
> lagging evolution, but nobody will believe me without a doctorate.
>
> So, grand Oracle, where may I find a university with a Secrets of the
> Universe course?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey!  I just got this question a half hour ago and gave it a good
} answer!  So, you want yin and yang, eh?  Since I gave you a good
} answer before:
}
} - Uh, you didn't grovel.  ZOT.
}
} - 'cuz i'm the bomb, baby
}
} - >ZOT<
}
} - There is no university, becuase no one is as good as i am.
}
} - [insert woodchuck joke here]
}
} - I can't answer this right now, Lisa and I are "busy"
}
} - If your so omnipotent, YOU answer the question
}
} - What's this "Mr. Oracle" stuff?  ZOT!
}
} - what's a doctorate
}
} etc, etc.
}
} You owe the Oracle a DIFFERENT question.


930-09    (9dnpc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> send me a personal e-mail of Dolores O`Riordan (the Crenberries),
> please...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [In the background, a female voice can be heard, crying out in
}  distress.  Another female voice, which sounds suspiciously like Lisa,
}  is shouting "Push!  Push!"]
}
} Oracle: Supplicant, your request has caused us more than a little
}   trouble here at Oracle HQ.
}
} [The first female voice is now screaming in what sounds like utter
}  agony.  Lisa is shouting, "Push harder!  Push harder!"]
}
} Oracle: You see, we first tried to send Dolores to you in a personal
}   e-mail, as you requested, but we had a little trouble with the
}   application/x-matter-transfer MIME encoding.  It seems the resolution
}   of our scanner isn't high enough, or something like that.
}
} [The first female voice is sounding quite definitely hysterical.  Lisa
}  is yelling "If you don't push harder, it'll never work!"]
}
} Oracle: So we decided to modify your request slightly.  Wait, here
}   comes Lisa now.
}
} Lisa: It's no use Orrie.  No matter how much Zadoc and I push the
}   envelope, we just can't get Dolores into it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a really big box, a working UPS worker, and $349.95
} in shipping and handling.


930-10    (biucb dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are trying to pluck out my eyeballs, and feast on my liver.
}
} Years ago I offended a rather thin skinned God (OK, it was Zeus, and
} yes, I did his wife.  But hell, everyone else did too).  He got kind of
} pissed off, tied me to a mountain, and sent all these birds to plague
} me.
} I was stuck on that mountain for a long time, until I conviced Lisa to
} forgive me. She eventually came and released me, but we haven't figured
} out a way to get rid of the damned birds.
}
} You owe the Oracle a really big bug zapper with enough voltage to kill
} a buzzard.


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