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Internet Oracularities #931

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931, 931-01, 931-02, 931-03, 931-04, 931-05, 931-06, 931-07, 931-08, 931-09, 931-10


Internet Oracularities #931    (86 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 16 Aug 1997 00:10:35 -0500 (EST)

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   931
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

931   86 votes 5cAna 4wsf7 eAlc3 kwo82 fpud3 bkphd 8kxh8 5kos9 bptf6 8fqne
931   2.9 mean  3.2   2.9   2.5   2.3   2.6   3.0   3.0   3.2   2.8   3.2


931-01    (5cAna dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does the telephone always wait to ring when you get in bath?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Immersing yourself in water completes a weak electrical circuit,
} connecting the alien implant in your right buttock with the
} government implant in your left buttock. The consequent magnetic
} pulse this causes triggers the phone's ringing mechanism, as well
} as draining the batteries in the remote control, blowing the
} lightbulb above the dodgy stair, causing your watch to lose five
} minutes and retuning your radio to Classic FM.
}
} Worrying as that may be, it's nowhere near the trouble that's
} going to be caused the next time a policeman points a so-called
} "radar gun" at you. The circuit causes the government implant
} to erroneously record that you have been receiving satisfaction
} of a personal nature from Ivan, an ex-member of the Russian
} Olympic Shotputt Team and known spy. These records are read
} by the "radar" gun and passed to MI6.
}
} Be afraid, be very afraid...
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of underpants made of tin-foil.


931-02    (4wsf7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle dearest, cuter than cheese,
> smarter than doughnuts and eager to please,
> Answer my question, shortly to follow:
> If a statue wasn't solid than would it be hollow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O supplicant supple, with Limburger aire
} There are more kinds of statues than you'd ever dare
} with your mortal mind, to imagine (if you could),
} There are statues of lava and grass and of wood.
} Statues of water sculpted by mollosks
} And statues of plasma by aliens near Pollux.
} Though some are not solid, they're not as hollow, you'll find
} as the average clueless supplicant's mind.
}
} You owe the Oracle a statue of himself in mile high pillars of fire.


931-03    (eAlc3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> g1ve me warez, d00dz!!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's get things straight...
}
} First: I am not a d00d.  You will address me as "O wise Oracle whos
} knowledge is exceeded by nothing and no-one", not as "d00d".
}
} Second: I have no need for warez.  Warez are for those supplicants who
} haven't learned enough to grovel for their answers and have not
} discovered how much wood woodchucks chuck on a particular day given the
} time of day, temperature, relative humidity, time since the woodchuck
} in question last ate, methane content of the woodchuck's lower
} intestine, woodchuck's weight, woodchuck's maximum benchpress, fear
} level of the woodchuck[1], vision of the woodchuck, and the height of
} the woodchuck at the shoulder.
}
} [1] distance and amount of wood chucked increases dramatically when the
} zoiks level is forty-two or greater.
}
} You owe the Oracle B1ff's head on a stick.


931-04    (kwo82 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise old Oracle, whither Punjabi micro-tigers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Why, back to their mommies, which are (of course) Punjabi
} macro-tigers.
}       You owe the Oracle the Greatest Show on Earth.


931-05    (fpud3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle you know more words than Webster.  You know history better than
> my high school history teacher.  You've looked at more stars than Carl
> Sagan.  Your strength exceeds that of the snail I stepped on this
> morning.  Call upon thy knowledge.  Use thy wit.  Delve into the depths
> of thy wisdom.  Tell me.   Why does it seem like all the writing
> programs (word processors etc.)use an icon of a fountain pen and never
> a ball point pen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Because the artists who create those icons live in caves in the
} Himalayas.  They don't know that a ballpoint pen looks like.  They've
} never seen a ballpoint pen.  They don't have a model--you might say
} that they don't have the balls to do it differently.
}       You owe the Oracle the scary disembodied head of Jerry Lewis.


931-06    (bkphd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was the conflict between Britain and Argentina in the 1980s
> orchestrated by the Ministry of Silly Wars?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Despite your complete lack of grovelling before my great and mighty
} presence (you lowly, gnat's dropping of a pathetically poor excuse for
} a sub-normal supplicant) I deign to answer your surprisingly
} intelligent (considering the source. PAH!) question and not to ZOT you
} with my Staff of Zot. (for now). Show more respect next time.
}
} The answer to your question (you malodourous excrement of a dung
} beetle) is "No".
}
} The Falklands conflict (even the British know it was too pathetic to be
} called a "war") was started by the British Ministry of Food and
} Agriculture attempting to remove all the sheep from the Falkland
} Islands and replace them with all the cattle they had accidentally
} infected with BSE, with a view to exporting them all to Argentina in
} pre-emptive retaliation for Diego Maradona's infamous "Hand Of God"
} trick during a soccer game between the two countries some months later,
} which they were warned of in advance by the well-known British psychic
} "Mystic Meg". The Argentines got  wind of this and decided to foil
} their plans by invading the Falklands and re-naming them the "Maldives"
} in the hope that this would confuse the British into sending their
} infected cattle to a holiday resort in the Indian ocean. When this plan
} backfired, and the British unexpectedly launched a full-scale military
} strike against the CORRECT group of islands, the Argentines panicked
} and decided to thwart the British plans by blowing up all the sheep
} with land mines. This only angered the animal-loving British who blew
} up the Argentines with precision bombing. The British knew that the
} Argentines posed little threat, since they had bought their weapons
} from the French, so when the Argentines actually sank one of their
} ships (with a FRENCH missile!?!?!?!?!?!) they did some investigating,
} and discovered that the French had long ago discovered that Britain and
} Argentina would be going to war(thanks to Uri Geller, a well-known
} foreign psychic), just in time to call in a German expert to build them
} a missile that actually worked, which they then sold to Argentina. In
} retaliation, the British torpedoed the Argentine navy's only working
} boat, and the French had to start blowing up south Pacific islands with
} thermonuclear weapons in order to deter the British from attacking them
} next. The Germans escaped military retribution by claiming (once again)
} that they were only following orders in the hope that it ought to work
} this time. It only partially succeded, and the British sent in a
} bulldozer to knock down their wall. The British won the Falklands
} Conflict, but the Argentines left so many land mines behind, that after
} all the sheep had been blown up (leaving rather messy, though soft and
} warm wool-lined craters behind) there wasn't enough level ground for
} the mad cows to wander around in circles and fall over on, so they sold
} the infected cattle to McDonalds, who by a staggering coincidence, now
} own several cattle ranches in Argentina. Beaten, but unbowed, Argentina
} now plans to start small and work their way up. Their next target is
} Iraq.
}
} You owe the Oracle a McChicken burger, a Harrier jump-jet, and a wooly
} cardigan.


931-07    (8kxh8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh splendiforous Oracle...
>
> Where do circus kids run away to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most become merchant bankers.  One or two - the children of
} contortionists - go into politics.


931-08    (5kos9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ,{^O^A n ?_+_^T?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow.  This is a pretty complicated smiley.  Let's see what
} we have here...
}
} ,{       The one-eyed man with a moustache...
}
} ^O^A     standing on two boxes...
}
} n        balanced on a horse shoe...
}
} ?        being thrown off a teeter totter by a large rock...
}
} _+_^T?   lands with a broken neck (the + is the nose)...
}
} Hmm...
}
} I get it!  It's one of Wiley E. Coyotes' schemes to catch the road
} runner!
}
} Clever.
}
} You owe the Oracle a smiley of Foghorn Leghorn being dragged by
} a chicken hawk.


931-09    (bptf6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Heya Orrie, riddle me this:
>
> I work in the Accounting Department of a Major Insurance Firm (tm).
> My cubicle has an eastern exposure.
> The Auditing Department's cubicles all have a western exposure.
> The Tax Department's cubicles have a northern exposure.
> The employees' lounge (it's on my floor) has the southern exposure.
> What is the pattern here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, thou ignorant mortal, knowest not that it is written (in _The
} Internet Oracle's Big Book of Things That Are Written,_ by T. Internet
} Oracle, Delphic Press, $19.95---get your copy today!) that this is the
} only way for an office to avoid the ravages of the fearsome Punjabi
} micro-tigers of Kraal?  Whatever do they teach the youth in school
} nowadays?  Why in _my_ day---well, never mind.  I shall deign to answer
} thy most ignorant query, though it galleth me to abase myself thus.
}
} (Where is that book?  _Words of Wisdom..._ _The Mage's Guide to
} Power..._ _Annoying Your Supplicants With Snotty Answers..._ _GET RICH
} QUICK!!!_ (how'd _that_ get in there?))  Ah, here we are.  _The
} Internet Oracle's Big Book, etc., etc._  [flip flip flip]  Here's the
} relevent part:
}
}   To protect the office against the ravages of Punjabi micro-tigers,
}   Pink Elephants and other beasties that ordinarily come out only
}   after a particularly animated office party:
}
}      Pointeth the lounging place tow'rd the warm Southlands,
}      That the employees may lounge in the sun
}      Looking for menaces fang-ed and strip-ed,
}      While they take turns going to puke in the john.
}
}      Taketh the Auditors poised toward the West-view
}      That they may hear ev'n the lightest of treads
}      Quiet the micro-tiges wend their way officeward,
}      Auditors catch them, see their striped heads.
}
}      Tax-taking trolls are pointed to Northward
}      Cold are their hearts and colder their feets
}      Scanning for tigers, and bears, and hyenas,
}      Though these but rarely do prowl in the streets.
}
}      But from the East side come all the great predators!
}      Lo! from the Eastward will come your great bane!
}      Toward the East-lands put people dispensible,
}      That they may be eaten, good workers not slain.
}
} There you are, Supplicant.  This is the reason for your office's
} unusual arrangement.  You should have paid more attention when they
} were going over this in highschool.
}
} For your extreme lack of a grovel, you owe The Oracle to watch all the
} Batman movies, in sequence, 500 times.
}
} The Oracle has spoken.


931-10    (8fqne dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you remember, chalk hearts melting on a playground wall ?
> Do you remember, dawn escapes from moon-washed college halls ?
> Do you remember, dancing in stilettoes in the snow ?
> Do you remember, you never understood I had to go ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Do you remember, chalk hearts melting on a playground wall ?
}
} Sure.  You drew them, complete with lifelike drops of blood, and left
} me to take the blame.
}
} > Do you remember, dawn escapes from moon-washed college halls ?
}
} How could I forget Dawn?  You tied her up in the psych professor's
} office, waited until she almost got loose, then called me and told me
} my the prof had an urgent need to see me.  I spent several hours
} convincing the campus police that I didn't know anything about it.
}
} > Do you remember, dancing in stilettoes in the snow ?
}
} Only vaguely.  I was very drunk.  I had to be; after all, how many men
} will wear high heels even for you?  Nevermind, don't answer that
} question.
}
} > Do you remember, you never understood I had to go ?
}
} Damn right I never understood it.  My pet gerbil has a bladder bigger
} than yours.  We couldn't drive to the video store without stopping to
} let you visit the powder room.
}
} Psychotic I could stand; incontinent was too much for me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ticket to a poetry slam.


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