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> Greatest Oracle, may you never find the floor to be sticky, please help
> me with this problem.
>
> When I visit the cinema, I like to have some popcorn to munch. (I get
> the child-size container, because the small one is nearly the size of
> the large one, but that's a question for another day.) The popcorn is
> especially tasty with a topping of imitation butter-flavored lipids
> (usually just called "butter"). The trouble is, I never seem to get the
> correct amount of butter. No matter how carefully I choose my words, I
> get a different amount than I wish. Here are some examples from recent
> weeks.
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Me: I'd like a child-sized popcorn with more than a little
> butter.
>
> (Result: I get a lot of butter.)
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Me: Could I get a child-sized popcorn?
>
> Clerk: Would you like butter on that?
>
> Me: Yes, I'd like a little butter. Thanks.
>
> (Result: I get three drops of butter.)
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Me: I'd also like a child-sized popcorn. And I need to get
> more than a little butter, but not a lot.
>
> Clerk: Let me check with the manager.
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Me: I'd like a child-sized popcorn with twelve milliliters of
> butter, please.
>
> Clerk: Huh?
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Me: Could I get a child-sized popcorn? And when you put
> butter on it, imagine the most butter anyone has ever
> wanted, and give me 60% of that.
>
> Clerk: You want butter up to _here_? (Pointing three-quarters
> of the way up the side of the popcorn cup.)
>
> Me: No, just a little butter will be fine.
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Me: I need just some butter on that. Not like a lot,
> you understand, but just a few squirts.
>
> Clerk: No problem.
>
> (Result: Texaco wants drilling rights in the cup.)
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Me: I'd like a child-sized popcorn with five squirts of
> butter, please.
>
> Clerk: How much is a squirt?
>
> Me: You know, one press of the plunger on the butter
> machine.
>
> Clerk: What's a plunger?
>
> Me: That knob on top of the butter machine.
>
> Clerk: That doesn't come off.
>
> Me: I don't want the plunger. I want you to push it
> five times.
>
> Clerk: I have to charge extra for that much butter.
>
> Me: How much butter can I get without paying extra?
>
> Clerk: A lot. An awful lot.
>
> Me: Well, I don't want that much. Just five squirts.
>
> Clerk: I don't think we have that much butter.
>
> Me: Can I have it just a medium amount of butter, then?
>
> Clerk: Okay.
>
> (Result: I get seven squirts of butter. But the clerk forgot to
> charge me for my drink, so that's a plus.)
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Me: Could you fill the cup about one-third full, then
> put half a squirt of butter into it? Then do the next
> third the same way, then the top third.
>
> Clerk: I can't put butter onto only part of the cup. It gets
> onto all the rest of the popcorn. I can sell you two
> cups, though, and only put butter into one of them.
>
> Me: How about if you make two cups that are half full.
> Put a lot of butter into one cup, and no butter in
> the other. Then mix the two together into one cup
> and give it to me.
>
> Clerk: I'll have to charge you extra for two cups.
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Me: How about if I come back there and show you exactly
> how much butter I want?
>
> Clerk: Sorry, sir, but it's dangerous back here.
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Me: On a scale of one to ten, the amount of butter I
> want is a six.
>
> Clerk: Gotcha.
>
> (Result: I get more butter than I've ever seen in my life.)
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Me: Just this much butter. [Holding my thumb and forefinger
> one centimeter apart.]
>
> (Result: At the bottom of the cup is a one-centimeter layer
> of butter.)
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Me: Is there some kind of scale I can use to specify how
> much butter I want? You know, like the Beaufort scale
> or the Richter scale?
>
> Clerk: I don't think so.
>
> Me: Dang. Well, just give me a light hailstorm of butter
> with no crop damage.
>
> Clerk: Huh?
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Me: I don't want to get too much butter, but I want
> a lot. How about if I tell you when to stop?
>
> Clerk: Okay. Tell me when it's enough. [Fills a cup about
> one-third full of popcorn, starts pumping butter.]
>
> Me: Stop! That's enough!
>
> Clerk: Don't you want more popcorn than that?
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Me: Could I get just a medium amount of butter?
>
> Clerk: You mean, on some popcorn?
>
> Me: Yes. I want a child-sized cup, please.
>
> Clerk: We don't have butter.
>
> Me: You don't?
>
> Clerk: It's this artificially butter-flavored coconut oil.
>
> Me: That's what I want.
>
> Clerk: It's not good for you, you know.
>
> Me: Butter's not very good for you, either.
>
> Clerk: But we don't have butter.
>
> Me: Okay, I'll have just a little of whatever you call it, then.
>
> Clerk: But it's not really butter.
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Me: Box of Junior Mints, please.
>
> Clerk: That'll be $3.75. Do you want butter?
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> So, great Oracle, please help me! How can I get the right amount of
> butter every time?
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