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Internet Oracularities #933

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933, 933-01, 933-02, 933-03, 933-04, 933-05, 933-06, 933-07, 933-08, 933-09, 933-10


Internet Oracularities #933    (87 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 20 Aug 1997 00:10:32 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   933
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

933   87 votes ixp83 7dfAg lvn84 bgpmd 5hBn5 disia 7svh4 clnid 8fhmp 6mBg6
933   2.9 mean  2.4   3.5   2.3   3.1   3.1   2.9   2.8   3.0   3.5   2.9


933-01    (ixp83 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hullo.  Vunce aggn iss mee, kingk ov tiny country near forrmer
> Jugoslavvija.  Vee nott havvingg mucch luck viz ourr wovvls, becuzz off
> trrible languagge, mizzrable alfphabetz andt ourr dredfull frrn
> xxcents.
>
> Hwwt can doo to keepp wovvls from trubbl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In-Reply-To: <199708161931.OAA03769@sunos.cs.indiana.edu>
}
} Well I never .. my old mate King Zog of Albania .. just a short
} jet-ski trip across the Adriatic .. how's you doing, son?  Thought
} you were long gone .. remember that night in Naples? .. Oy! .. they
} were some girls, huh? .. and the unlimited stakes backgammon game
} on Theo's yacht .. I remember that you lost a packet when you said
} "Imin trubbl" and Theo took you for a double .. *sigh* .. but you
} started a trend .. Morrissey (of the Smiths) was inspired and gave
} his best voice to "Heaven Knows, I'm Mizzrable Now" .. almost a
} chart-topper .. so don't feel so bad .. it could be vrsss ..
}
} You owe the Oracle an anagram URL ..


933-02    (7dfAg dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is the bar that these rabbis, priests, alligators, dogs, and
> horses are always walking into?  How come there aren't any bars like
> that in *my* neighborhood, huh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can't find these bars in your neighborhood because they no longer
} exist.  The authorities have long ago outlawed such bars.
}
} The problem was that all these ecumenical clergy and talking animals
} weren't used to alcohol, it being foreign to their natural habitats,
} and they tended to develop drinking problems.  And in a gateway drug
} leading onto gateway drug kind of way, these eventually developed into
} heroin and crack problems.
}
} A priest and a talking dog having a beer is funny.  A priest beating
} the crap out of a dog because he thinks it's burying some of his stash
} isn't. Well, it's less funny.
}
} It wasn't too long before the newspapers were full of front-page
} reports that began, "A rabbi, a bear and their pair of sawed-off
} shotguns walked into a liquor store...."  Editorials asked, "Did you
} hear the one about two priests and the nun turned crack whore?"
}
} When too many alligators with clever one-liners and track marks up
} their legs started checking into the more popular re-hab centres, local
} governments started revoking liquor licences.  And today, it's almost
} impossible to find one of these bars.
}
} Oh sure, you'll still hear the stories.  Maybe a friend of a friend
} will pass you an address on a crumpled piece of paper, and for one
} night a special little pub will pop up, and there you'll find genies,
} bet-taking yokels, and counting horses.  But it'll be gone the next
} day, never to return.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ten-inch pianist.


933-03    (lvn84 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm hopelessly confused.  Am I asking you a question, or giving someone
> an answer?  How am I supposed to know the square root of infinity if I
> don't even have shoelaces?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yow!  Zippy the Pinhead!!  How's it going?
}
} Next on my schedule is a mandatory visit to the all-important frontal
} lobes.  Uh-oh!  I think I see a mental lapse!  Mozart is my meat
} packer! I'm on a FUNQUEST!!!  Uh-uh, I'm mentally overdrawn!  Somewhere
} in downtown Cincinnati, two yuppies are stocking up on designer
} napkins! I wonder if I can get government subsidies for my any farm.
} This is a no-frills flight, hold the Canadian bacon.  I have the power
} to halt production on all teenage sex comedies.  FUN is never having to
} say you're SUSHI!  Yow! Have I been DIGESTED yet?
}
} Well, I'm invisible again.  I might as well visit the ladies room...
}
} You owe the Oracle a yellow muu-muu with red polka dots, and a red hair
} ribbon.


933-04    (bgpmd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> What are some good uses for old shoelaces?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They're great for writing '101 Uses For ...' lists about.
}
} You owe the Oracle a list of 101 uses for old shoelaces. There's no
} reason *I* should have to do all the work.


933-05    (5hBn5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, please tell me...
>
> I've been having an argument with my rector. He says that a valid
> translation of the Kyrie Eleison is "Lord, give me a break." I say he's
> full of oberammergau. Who's right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In truth, the phrase "Kyrie Eleison" hearkens back to the much earlier
} days of Christianity, when the old Nordic Gods were still around.  If
} you will remember, the god Odin had several Warrior Maidens known as
} the Valkyries, whose "duties" included bringing dead warriors to
} Valhalla. Of course, we all knew that Odin kept them simply because he
} enjoyed being surrounded by beautiful women, I mean, what deity
} doesn't?  But of course, Odin was rather touchy about such things,
} especially since the Current Trends in religion were beginning to
} discourage "relationships" between god and worshiper.
}
} Now in those days, each deity pretty much kept to his own followers.
} That was just The Way Things Were.  I mean, to have Zeus go messing
} with Buddha's worshipers was just unheard of!  And no vow of celibacy
} had yet been imposed upon the clergy of the new Church.  It was
} considered unnecessary, especially since the Church was still trying to
} grow.
}
} One day, though, one of the newer Valkyries happened to run into a
} young Christian monk.  Of course, one thing led to another... I won't
} go into details, of course... and before you know it, all of the
} immortals were in an uproar about these two.
}
} Needless to say, Odin was quite embarrassed by all of this, so he
} retreated with his clan into relative obscurity.  Your Church, in order
} to prevent this from happening again, imposed the aforementioned vow
} upon all monks, nuns, and priests.  It was also decided that a hidden
} reference to this event should be included in the Mass, so that it
} should not be forgotten by Those Who Need To Be Reminded.  Now, it just
} happened that the latin "Kyrie Eleison" translates roughly to "Lord,
} have mercy upon us", thus creating the perfect disguise for a Valkyrie
} Allusion.
}
} Of course, your rector will deny all of this, but remember:  Any
} investigative reporter will tell you, when a piece of gossip is denied,
} it is actually confirmed...
}
} You owe the Oracle a recording of the famous "Ride of the Valkyries"
} song from Richard Wagner's opera "Die Walkure" and one censor-ful of
} incense.


933-06    (disia dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hostes alienigeni me abdxerunt. Qui annus est?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MCMXCVII.  Cupidus Laudis Oracle est.  Mihi Zotum est.


933-07    (7svh4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Orrie,
>
>       One day as I was walking...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, it's time for the annual Awful English Folk Song Competition.  I
} love this contest!  Here's my entry.
}
} (Sung to the tune of "Hatikvah", but in the major key.)
}
}   One day as I was walking
}   Right through the countryside
}   I spied a sweet young maiden
}   All dressed in new rawhide.
}
}   I asked her, "Gentle maiden,
}   If I would be your cow,
}   Would you be my master
}   And let me pull your plough?"
}
}   She answered, "Sir, I wonder
}   Who you think you are.
}   I need no muscled oxen;
}   I have a motorcar."
}
}   The minute that she said that
}   I felt a great despair,
}   For surely it was true that
}   For me she did not care.
}
}   But lo, I was mistaken;
}   She smiled and winked one eye,
}   And whacked me on the shoulder
}   So hard I almost cried.
}
}   And now my new employer
}   Has hired me as chauffeur,
}   And no more do I care if
}   Bad things should occur.
}
} You owe the Oracle a blue ribbon.


933-08    (clnid dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, if that really is you.
>
> I've sussed you out. You're not really some all-knowing deity. You are
> a fraud!
>
> When I last sent you a question, you sent me back someone else's
> question and asked be to answer it. I imagine most supplicants would
> just be overwhelmed by the responsibility and faith the great Oracle
> has put in the supplicant and not question when has happened.
>
> I think you really don't know anything, and you just get all your
> supplicants to answer all the questions for you.
>
> In fact, I don't think you really exist and the so-called Oracle is
> just a computer somewhere in Indiana.
>
> I demand back all the sacrifices and payments I've made to you all this
> time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WARNING Unknown program detected...
} Rerouting E-Mail to Oracle@Bill-Gates-Is-God.com
}
} Booting up system
}
} 18MB ram detected
}
} Microsoft Oracle running.....
}
} available ram left 300bytes
}
} Welcome to the all knowing Microsoft Internet Oracle.
}
} What is your question?
}
}   Oracle, if that really is you.
}
}   I've sussed you out. You're not really some all-knowing deity. You
}   are a fraud!
}
}   When I last sent you a question, you sent me back someone else's
}   question and asked be to answer it. I imagine most supplicants would
}   just be overwhelmed by the responsibility and faith the great Oracle
}   has put in the supplicant and not question when has happened.
}
}   I think you really don't know anything, and you just get all your
}   supplicants to answer all the questions for you.
}
}   In fact, I don't think you really exist and the so-called Oracle is
}   just a computer somewhere in Indiana.
}   I demand back all the sacrifices and payments I've made to you all
}   this time.
}
} ERROR. Cannot find file r:\messages\subliminal\BuyWord.txt
}
} Greetings supplicant. Your insistance that I am not real stems from the
} fact that you are not running windows 95. If you were running this
} system you could use Microsoft Internet explorer to view my picture at
} Http://Global-domination-through-fear-and-loathing.com/ then you would
} soon believe that I am real.
}
} ERROR with host. sending file....
}
} File included c:\Tell-Me\Question00023435
} The oracle requires an answer to this question.
} What is green?
}
} As for the for the donations THE'RE MINE! HA HA HA HA! ALL MINE LIKE
} THE WORLD WILL SOON BE! HA HA HA HA!
}
} File included R:\Messages\subliminal\GiveMeAllYourMoney.txt
}
} Memory Error less than 5GB present..
} Please free up some more memory....
} Terminating application MineSweeper
} 3GB memory found
}
} File included c:\Tell-Me\Question00023435
} The Oracle requires an answer to this question.
} How Much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood
}
} Error Oracle@Indiana.edu caused a general protection fault
} Error proved fatal...
} Returning to defualt Host
}
} The Oracle Has pondered your question deeply
}
} We have recently been having problems with our system. Some program
} kept re-routing our E-mail but we think we have just killed it.
}   As for your strange question the program must have sent that. Next
} time I would appreciate a bit more trust in my existance.
} A quick ZOT will soon prove that I exist if I get anymore questions of
} this type.
}
}  You owe the oracle a copy of a good virus killer (our copy of
} Microsoft virus killer did nothing)


933-09    (8fhmp dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where have all the cowboys gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To jail.
}
} You owe the Oracle replacements for Dallas's football team.


933-10    (6mBg6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Horticulturally enlightened oracle, whose gardening skills put
> Percy Thrower to shame, please tell me...
>
>  Where *have* all the flowers gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, you have stumbled upon one of the most important
} conspiracies of this century.  The Trilateral Commission has been
} sending out the black helicopters full of crack flower-pickers.
} These flower-pickers ensure that the Average American has to go to
} the _Florist_ to buy flowers.  All flower bought at the Florist's
} are treated specifically to make Americans complacent, and to buy
} and eat M&M's, especially the blue ones, which have been treated with
} cobalt to make it easier to track you by the fillings in your teeth.
} The Trilateral Commission keeps track of everyone's location and
} sends it to the North Korean troops hiding in the bayou of Louisiana,
} who are waiting for the signal to start the invasion.  You don't
} believe this do you.  Tell me, have you been exposed to any store
} bought flowers lately?


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