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Internet Oracularities #934

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934, 934-01, 934-02, 934-03, 934-04, 934-05, 934-06, 934-07, 934-08, 934-09, 934-10


Internet Oracularities #934    (79 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 22 Aug 1997 00:10:29 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   934
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

934   79 votes 7rqg3 3czm7 bspa5 8kri6 29pxa bmue2 68upa 3dsnc 5kqj9 4lqhb
934   3.1 mean  2.8   3.2   2.6   2.9   3.5   2.7   3.3   3.4   3.1   3.1


934-01    (7rqg3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless
>   driving.  When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he
>   knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was.
>   His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The judge leaned back and cackled evilly.
}
} "Oh, nothing so benign as that, you poor sap," said he. He motioned to
} the baliff, who walked forward and dumped a barrel of glue on Emo.
} Another person approached and dumped red fuzz all over Emo. Finally,
} someone stuck two eyes, a nose, and a mouth on top of the fuzz.
}
} "For the rest of your days, you will be cute and annoying and giggle
} like a small girl when you are tickled. You entered this courtroom as
} Emo... you leave it as Elmo."
}
} You owe the Oracle a Tickle-Me-Emo doll. Make sure it hasn't been
} drinking.


934-02    (3czm7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle! tellme the answer to my question! NOW!
>
> What is the diffrence between a Yak, and a Turtle???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About 47 points depending on where the double word score landed.
}
} You owe the Oracle an s on the end of Turtle for an extra 50.


934-03    (bspa5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks!
> Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks!
>
> Zadoc the Priest sweeps up the ash in the temple
> Where a supplicant was zotted
> Lives in a closet
> Waits at the altar
> Wearing the robes that he keeps in a jar by the door
> Who is it for?
>
> All the lonely priests
> Where do they all come from?
> All the lonely priests
> Where do they all belong?
>
> Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks!
> Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks!
>
> Father McKinzler
> Writing the code of a diety everyone fears
> No one comes near
> Look at him working
> Reading usenet in the night when there's nobody there
> What does he care?
>
> All the lonely priests
> Where do they all come from?
> All the lonely priests
> Where do they all belong?
>
> Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks!
> Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks!
>
> Zadoc the priest
> Was zotted in the temple and buried along with his name
> Nobody came
> Father McKinzler
> Wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
> No one was saved.
>
> All the lonely priests
> Where do they all come from?
> All the lonely priests
> Where do they all belong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Time for the Oracular Song Contest again, is it?
} Oh, well...
}
} Good evening, Indiana. This is Olympus calling. Here are the votes of
} the  oracular jury:
}
} In love with a woodchuck: One point.
} Zot me tender: Two points.
} Zot around the clock: Three points.
} Woodchuck boogie: Four points.
} Living next door to Lisa: Five points.
} Look at all the zotted woodchucks: Six points.
} The Oracle had a little priest: Eight points.
} Merry zotting: Ten points.
}
} And finally......
}
} Rule Oracle: Twelve points!
}
} That were the votes of the oracular jury. Good bye from Olympus.


934-04    (8kri6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HEY 0RAKEL D00D YUR REELY K00L!!1!1!!!!111!!!!!!!!1!!!1!1!
> NEWAY MY NAME IZ B1FF AND 1 WUZ WUNDERIN 1F U KUD TEL ME WER 2 F1ND SUM
> K00L WAREZ!?!?1//!??!/!?!/1/!?!?!?!??!?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Depends on what kind of warez you're looking for... try
} ftp://tupperware.com or http://bobs-silverware.com.
}
} You owe me underwarez.


934-05    (29pxa dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Oracle,
>
> While I appreciate your offer dated 8/17/97 of a chance to receive a
> copy of your new guidebook "101 uses for dryer lint" at the
> introductory price of $12.99 with the set of Ginsu Noodle Shredders
> included as my free gift, I am sorry to inform you that I am not the
> least bit interested.  Please remove my name from any/all marketing
> lists you have, as I find dryer lint most disgusting and fee that
> references to it constitute fashion harassment.
>
> Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Supli Cant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr. Cant,
}
} Thank you for your order of "101 Uses for Dryer Lint". Your credit card
} has been debited for $12.99 plus $19.99 shipping and handling (the UPS
} rates have gone *way* up recently). The book, along with the set of
} Ginsu Noodle Shredders, will be shipped to you within 6 weeks.
}
} We also appreciate your standing order for future volumes in our "101"
} series. Each costs only $19.99 (plus $29.99 shipping and handling) and
} each comes with a free gift. These volumes will be shipped to you at
} one-week intervals. And don't worry about the bills! Your credit card
} will automatically be debited by our trained staff!
}
} The future volumes you can expect are:
}
} 101 Uses for a 55-Gallon Drum of Polyvinylacetate (with free tuxedo
} tie) 101 Uses for an Old Cookie Sheet (with free tin snips)
} 101 Uses for Windows 95 Installation Disks (with free shotgun)
} 101 Uses for Cats (with free ballpeen hammer)
} 101 Uses for Dogs (with free frisbees)
} 101 Uses for Bill Gates (with free cattle prod)
} 101 Uses for Bill Clinton (with free cattle prod)
} 101 Ways to Annoy Queue Drainers (with free can of Draino (tm))
} 101 Ways to Get Back at Spammers (with free software virus disk)
} 101 Ways to Get in the Oracular Digests (with free red Siamese fighting
} fish)
}
} and 90 more titles in the series!
}
} Collect 'em all! And you will, because no cancellations will be
} accepted.
}
} You owe the Oracle, oh, about $5,000.00.


934-06    (bmue2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I went to the bathroom. I had to go poo. I hate it when people
> walk in on me while I'm pooing. I went to the unfinished wing of
> the building.
>
> Someone walked in. The janitor. Great. Clean. Clean clean. Clean.
> I was in the last stall. The first stall opened. Clean clean.
> The next stall opened. Clean, clean. My stall door was attempted
> to be opened. It was locked.
>
> "Hello?" asked the Janitor. The *female* janitor.
> "Uhm, somebody's in here," I intoned.
> "eek!" cried the cleaning lady.
>
> And she ran out of the bathroom. I wsa like "great, I'm gonna
> get busted for taking a poo in an area I'm not authorized to
> be in. Won't this be great. I *still* havne't lived down
> falling asleep in the john last year. blargh"
>
> I hurrily wipe and and exit the stall. And then I notice
> the wallpaer. It's pink. And there's plants on the sink.
> ANd they're aren't any urinals. Great, I'm in the women's
> bathroom. Since it was in the opposite wing, it was on
> the opposite side. I thought it was a universal thing
> to put the little boy's room on the right?
>
> Anyhoo, I'm debating how to get out without getting spotted.
> The cleaning lady is outside the door, talking anxiously to someone.
> (security gaurd?) What do I do?
>
> humbly awaiting your reply,
> hymie

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pitiful supplicant:
}
} For failure to even attempt to grovel before me, I will not bother to
} give you the solution to your dilemma, which I myself was in the
} unfortunate position of discovering one day when Lisa was, umm,
} nevermind.
}
} Rather, the best options available to you would be one of the
} following:
}
} - Wrap toilet paper around you in a trashy attempt at an evening gown,
} and put on your best Klinger voice as you walk out, complaining about
} the dearth of quality in the fashion world.
}
} - If there is a large supply of toliet paper, wet it down and mold it
} to the openings in the stall, sealing yourself inside with your
} oblivion.
}
} - Get creative with the poo itself, claim you're a performance artist.
}
} - Give in to your gender confusion.  I think Zadoc can get you a deal
} with a good surgeon.
}
} You owe the Oracle a year supply of White Cloud, and a rendition of
} "The Time Warp"


934-07    (68upa dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grovel. Grovel. Grovel some more.
> Long boring explanation. Obscure woodchuck reference. Risque Lisa
> reference. Random Microsoft insult. Especially stupid question.
> Insufficient thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Snarl. Snarl. Threat of ZOT because of woodchuck reference. Shouting
} for Zadoc. Long, pointless discussion with Zadoc. 101 list. Demand for
} some outrageous and impossible-to-obtain object.
}
} You owe the Oracle the promise to lay off e-mailing the Oracle for a
} couple of days, or until you get your sense of humor back.


934-08    (3dsnc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most RAM-abundant Oracle whose chips have more MIPS and whose hard
> disk is never scuzzy and never goes floppy...
>
> I've been working in the computer industry for 8.5 years now, and I'm
> doing reasonably well, but my problem is that I'm just not cool enough
> to be a guru, and not nerdy enough to be a geek. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your qualifications are a textbook case for MANAGEMENT.
}
} You owe the Oracle a raise.


934-09    (5kqj9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all-knowing one, the twinkle of whose eyes outshine the very sun
> itself:
>
> What is it that a "bread machine" does, that makes it worth $100 to
> $150?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple.  It makes lots of money for its manufacturer.
}
} You owe The Oracle two new bread pans and a cup of flour.


934-10    (4lqhb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, I find your eye sockets to be a wondrous amusement
> park filled with neo-plastic pleasures and oncogenic delights.  (Love
> that surrealist complement generator!)  What would it be like, if Van
> Gogh had painted those melting watches, instead of Salvador Dali?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm not sure that *I* particularly like the surrealist complement
} generator. Eye sockets? Oncogenic delights? At least it doesn't involve
} spleens, like that guy in the U.P. is constantly talking about.
}
} Anyway, good question. Glad you asked. Since I'm feeling lazy, however,
} I'm not going to answer it. Instead (surprise!) I'm going to get
} someone else to answer it.
}
} [POOF!]
}
} [An elderly man in a tweed jacket with leather patches appears in a
} puff of smoke.]
}
} ORACLE: I am the great Internet Oracle! You, William Westerforce, are
} an art critic that I have summoned here to answer a simple queston.
}
} WESTERFORCE: I hope that "poof" business wasn't meant to imply...
}
} O: No, no, not at all. Now, the question at hand is, what it have been
} like if Van Gogh had painted the melting watch paintings instead of
} Salvador Dali?
}
} W: Hmm... Good question...
}
} O: [smirks] Thank you.
}
} W: Probably something like screaming melting watches with their ears
} cut off.
}
} O: [peers closely] You haven't been sampling the surrealist complement
} generator, have you?
}
} W: What on earth is that?
}
} O: Never mind. Thank you for your help.
}
} [POOF!]
}
} VOICE: And watch that "poof" stuff!
}
} And there you have it, supplicant. Screaming melting watches with their
} ears cut off. The National Endowment for the Arts would probably have
} scrambled like mad to fund it, too.
}
} You owe the Oracle Fragonard's "A Girl Reading". The original.


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