935-02 (9bsnc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
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> Great oracle of the internet (wail, followed by 15 minutes of
> flagellation with a whip), I who am unworthy to look to the same point
> in the compass as you occupy (fall to knees, eats dirt and beat head
> with large rock), who blasts unholy furry rodents with the great Staff
> of Zot (takes effigy of woodchuck and burns it, all while muttering
> "Death to woodchucks"), who's responses are brighter than the sun
> (puts on sunglasses), who's name cannot be spoken without fear and
> trembling (falls to knees again, and trembles, and then beats head
> with rock), who's great wisdom makes Bill Gates look like a piker
> (takes windows 95 disks and burns them as sacrifice, and beats head
> with rock), who's girlfriend Lisa is the epitome of female beauty (eyes
> bug out briefly, followed by beating head with rock more fervently),
> I ask the following question:
>
> " Why is Bono (the lead singer of U2) have such crappy music
> these days, (anything after "Rattle and Hum" basically stinks)?
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And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
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} Nice grovel. Keep up the good work.
}
} It is a sad but widely known fact of life that, despite their best
} intentions, people end up becoming carbon copies of their parents.
} This is one of the greatest single causes of decay and corruption
} in any modern society. A few general examples:
}
} At 20 At 40
}
} Music heavy metal 50's musicals
} preference
}
} Fashion jeans & T-shirt anything brown and/or
} sense plaid
}
} Favorite getting totally napping during halftime
} pasttime shloshed
}
} Greatest remembering to paying the mortgage
} responsibility use birth control
}
} Politics anarchist Republican
}
} In order to understand the cause of Bono's musical demise, one
} only has to be aware of his true parentage. As it turns out, although
} Bono has his roots in working-class Dublin, his personal history begins
} all the way back in the USA. In 1962, a funny-looking California guy
} began his singing career doing bars in San Fransisco. His popularity
} quickly rose, and the money started to roll in. After about six
} months, he got a lucrative offer to make a record with his girlfriend.
} In celebration, the two of them went to Ireland for a month to vacation
} and visit friends.
}
} While this young singer was at a bar with a few of his friends, he met
} this really hot Irish babe. The two of them really got it on. Since
} his girlfriend was back at their friend's house watching TV, the two of
} them decided to have a little tryst in the back room. The singer left
} the next day for the US, and 9 months later the baby was born.
}
} The singer never knew he was a father, but the Irish chick never forgot
} his name. Although her parents were deadset against it, she decided to
} raise the child herself. Remarkably, she never felt bitter about the
} whole experience, and even nicknamed the kid after his father. He
} didn't mind it much, until a bunch of kids at school overheard his
} mother call him "Sonny" and beat him up for having such a stupid name.
} After that, he decided that "Bono" was a much cooler-sounding nickname,
} and the rest is history.
}
} As singer and songwriter for U2, Bono is very much responsible for the
} band's recent surge in mediocrity. The bland sound of Pop is only
} the first of a string of boring releases which will ultimately result
} in U2 breaking up after their "I Got You Babe" tour in 2002.
}
} You owe the Oracle the 44th California House seat and an inflatable
} Cher doll.
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