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Internet Oracularities #935

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935, 935-01, 935-02, 935-03, 935-04, 935-05, 935-06, 935-07, 935-08, 935-09, 935-10


Internet Oracularities #935    (83 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 24 Aug 1997 09:18:45 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   935
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

935   83 votes 5jole 9bsnc epmg6 9quh1 9jxl1 9msh7 6jvm5 9rsd6 mpkd3 4lpna
935   2.9 mean  3.2   3.2   2.7   2.7   2.8   2.9   3.0   2.8   2.4   3.2


935-01    (5jole dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best pickup line in history?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "In history" covers a lot of time, but not much space (not even as much
} space as you would find beneath the lid of a salt shaker, when you
} remove it and place it on the counter so you can refill the empty
} container...but I digress).
}
} Clearly, if you were to tear yourself away from circling the episode
} summaries of the "new" reruns of the X-Files in TV Guide and give the
} matter a bit of thought, you would see that the best pickup line in
} history is the one which started the whole shebang (the first pun is a
} freebie, the rest will cost you extra.)
}
} Back before mankind's first cerebral cortex formed, before the first
} thunder lizard glanced down as his running mate and decided to take a
} taste, even before the first nearsighted fish rammed the shoreline and
} discovered that it needed to learn how to breath and damn quick,
} ...were the microbial ancestors of all life.
}
} Random circling and nudging was the pattern of the day, until one of
} these single-celled organisms decided it might be nice, if not naughty,
} to nuzzle another nucleus.
}
} Approaching ever so slowly (it is not easy to move quickly in
} primordial ooze) the brave bit of biology uttered the first, and best,
} pickup line in history:
}
} "Flup?"  it said.
}
} And so it all began.
}
} (Oh, you want a translation?  Sorry, that's another question.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a one-night stand-up comedian.


935-02    (9bsnc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great oracle of the internet (wail, followed by 15 minutes of
> flagellation with a whip), I who am unworthy to look to the same point
> in the compass as you occupy (fall to knees, eats dirt and beat head
> with large rock), who blasts unholy furry rodents with the great Staff
> of Zot (takes effigy of woodchuck and burns it, all while muttering
> "Death to woodchucks"), who's responses are brighter than the sun
> (puts on sunglasses), who's name cannot be spoken without fear and
> trembling (falls to knees again, and trembles, and then beats head
> with rock), who's great wisdom makes Bill Gates look like a piker
> (takes windows 95 disks and burns them as sacrifice, and beats head
> with rock), who's girlfriend Lisa is the epitome of female beauty (eyes
> bug out briefly, followed by beating head with rock more fervently),
> I ask the following question:
>
>       "  Why is Bono (the lead singer of U2) have such crappy music
> these days, (anything after "Rattle and Hum" basically stinks)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nice grovel.  Keep up the good work.
}
} It is a sad but widely known fact of life that, despite their best
} intentions, people end up becoming carbon copies of their parents.
} This is one of the greatest single causes of decay and corruption
} in any modern society.  A few general examples:
}
}                   At 20                     At 40
}
}      Music      heavy metal               50's musicals
}     preference
}
}     Fashion     jeans & T-shirt         anything brown and/or
}      sense                                   plaid
}
}     Favorite    getting totally        napping during halftime
}     pasttime      shloshed
}
}     Greatest    remembering to           paying the mortgage
}  responsibility use birth control
}
}     Politics    anarchist                 Republican
}
} In order to understand the cause of Bono's musical demise, one
} only has to be aware of his true parentage.  As it turns out, although
} Bono has his roots in working-class Dublin, his personal history begins
} all the way back in the USA.  In 1962, a funny-looking California guy
} began his singing career doing bars in San Fransisco.  His popularity
} quickly rose, and the money started to roll in.  After about six
} months, he got a lucrative offer to make a record with his girlfriend.
} In celebration, the two of them went to Ireland for a month to vacation
} and visit friends.
}
} While this young singer was at a bar with a few of his friends, he met
} this really hot Irish babe.  The two of them really got it on.  Since
} his girlfriend was back at their friend's house watching TV, the two of
} them decided to have a little tryst in the back room.  The singer left
} the next day for the US, and 9 months later the baby was born.
}
} The singer never knew he was a father, but the Irish chick never forgot
} his name.  Although her parents were deadset against it, she decided to
} raise the child herself.  Remarkably, she never felt bitter about the
} whole experience, and even nicknamed the kid after his father.  He
} didn't mind it much, until a bunch of kids at school overheard his
} mother call him "Sonny" and beat him up for having such a stupid name.
} After that, he decided that "Bono" was a much cooler-sounding nickname,
} and the rest is history.
}
} As singer and songwriter for U2, Bono is very much responsible for the
} band's recent surge in mediocrity.  The bland sound of Pop is only
} the first of a string of boring releases which will ultimately result
} in U2 breaking up after their "I Got You Babe" tour in 2002.
}
} You owe the Oracle the 44th California House seat and an inflatable
} Cher doll.


935-03    (epmg6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are hotmail.com'ers really cluelesser than aol.com'ers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu> writes:
}
} > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >
} > > Are hotmail.com'ers really cluelesser than aol.com'ers?
}
} WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DORK!
}
} You owe the Oracle an account at Europe OnLine (EOL)
} ______________________________________________________
} Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com


935-04    (9quh1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, oh so wise, blah blah blah, tell me
>
> Is it a social faux pas to eat a bag of Oreo Cookies (tm, no doubt)
> before heading to the Dentist for a cleaning? I pay good money for
> their service, I think I should be getting my moneies worth!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, it's perfectly okay.  Just don't say "Hydrox!" when you see the
} doc.
}
} Okay, okay, I know.  It's a weak pun.  You owe the Oracle a tube of
} industrial strength pun reinforcement.
}
} Let's try this again...
}
} A far greater faux pas would be to eat an entire loaf of garlic bread.
} If you try that once, the dentist'll be glad of the Oreos.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bowl of garlic soup and a gallon of mouthwash.


935-05    (9jxl1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It says here that "when the queen of Sheba heard of the fame of
> Solomon, she came to prove Solomon with hard questions at Jerusalem,
> with a very great company, and camels that bare spices, and gold in
> abundance, and precious stones: and when she was come to Solomon, she
> communed with him of all that was in her heart.  And Solomon told her
> all her questions: and there was nothing hid from Solomon which he told
> her not."
>
> Now obviously Solomon was one of Your Incarnations, and the queen one
> of your earlier supplicants (and You were doing that "you owe the
> Oracle" thing even then, tho not with so much imagination -- the
> bathtub full of lime Jell-O and Alicia Silverstone I understand, but
> why the Siamese cat and the Windows 97 installation floppies?), but
> what I really want to know is: what were those "hard questions" that
> she (the queen of Sheba, not Alicia Silverstone) proved You with?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes, clever supplicant.  You have found me out (was it all those
} halbabies I left lying around?)  Sheba was a pretty hot babe, but she
} was a few camels shy of a caravan, if you get my meaning.  So it wasn't
} such a big thing to anticipate the answers to all her questions, and
} simply act mysterious on the toughies.  But what you wanted was the
} questions she asked.  If I recall accurately, she asked me 101
} questions (imagine that!) And here they are:
}
} 1.  Just kidding.  I'm pretty much over the "101" thing, aren't you?
}
} Anyway, she asked me all the usual drivel, about chickens and eggs,
} chickens crossing roads, the blue sky thing, where to bury survivors,
} woodchucks chucking wood (I smacked her whipping girl really hard for
} that one,) and bunches of other nonsense.  In short, all the same stuff
} people ask me about nowadays.  I know this isn't very exciting, but you
} asked about Sheba.  If you had asked about Alicia, well that would have
} been a much different story.
}
} You owe the Oracle a map to the lost city of Zinge.


935-06    (9msh7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, turn turn turn,
> Tell me the lesson that I must learn.
> Orrie, is watching to much tv bad for
> your health?  Can I call you dadoo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, Mr. Supplicant man,
} Drag your eyes away.
} For that show that you've been watching
} Has been bad for you.
}
} Hey, Mr. Supplicant man,
} Drag your eyes away,
} On this bright and sunny morning
} There's so much else to do.
}
} Take a walk out in the park
} Or plant a stout oak tree.
} Take your puppy for a walk.
} Find someone with whom to talk.
} Don't fill your mind with tripe
} From NBC-TV.
}
} Today you can go anywhere.
} Be free and take control.
} You know you're on a roll.
} Find someplace worthwhile to go.
} Don't live your life vicariously.
}
} Hey, Mr. Supplicant man,
} Drag your eyes away.
} For that show that you've been watching
} Has been bad for you.
}
} Hey, Mr. Supplicant man,
} Drag your eyes away,
} On this bright and sunny morning
} There's so much else to do.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of The Birds' Greatest Hits--on LP of course!
} Dadoo? Can I call you Zot-meat?


935-07    (6jvm5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and magnificently deep Oracle, who knows the real reason Bill
> Gates bought Apple stock.  Tell this inquiring supplicant's humble
> question.
>
> How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah!  A very interesting proposition.  I've told many jokes in the past,
} but I've never really tried telling a *question*.  Let's see now...it's
} all in the delivery, I just need to pick a style...
}
} >Monty Python Constable:
} >  An' just 'OW much deeper would the ocean be wi''out sponges, then?
}
} Hmmmm.  Nah, been done.
}
} >AOL user:
} >  |-|0\/\/ /\/\uC|-| d33p3r W00d t|-|3 0c3a/\/ B w/0 sp0/\/gz?!!1?!1
}
} Also seen *far* too often on the 'net.
}
} >William Shatner:
} >  HOW...much DEEPER...wouldtheocean BE...without, errrrmmmm, SPONGES?
}
} Nope.  Too dramatic.
}
} >Robin Williams:
} >  Intheeventthattheoceanweretosuddenlyriditselfofthoseindigenousforms
} >  oflifeheretoforeknownas"sponges"thenhowdeepwouldtheoceanbe?ARRARR!!
}
} Way too spastic.
}
} >Henny Youngman:
} >  Take my sponge.  Please.
}
} Better, but still not as funny as it could be.
}
} >Gallagher:
} >  Look out!!!  It's SPONGE-O-MATIC!!!!   *splat*
}
} Hmmmm.  Not quite as exciting as the watermelon, was it?
}
} >Billy Ocean:
} >  I ain't got no sponge, man.  Cut the crap.
}
} I guess puns are out, then.
}
} Well, after a lot of trial and error, I guess that you really can't
} tell a question.  If you could, it wouldn't be a question any more,
} it would be a joke.
}
} You owe the Oracle the most recent version of MacUser's Talking
} Mouse, set to Bobo's face and Ralph's voice (the REAL reason Bill
} Gates bought Apple stock).


935-08    (9rsd6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me, O great Oracle, mighty answerer of the unanswerable!
>
> I was sitting at my computer, working on a lab assignment for my
> programming languages class, when suddenly a spirit appeared above my
> monitor.  As I sat frozen in terror, the ghost began its story:
>   "I was sitting at my computer, working on a lab assignment for my
>   compilers class, when suddenly a spirit appeared above my
>   monitor.  As I sat frozen in terror, the ghost began its story:
>     "I was sitting at my computer, working on a lab assignment for my
>     AI class, when suddeny a spirit appeared above my
>     monitor.  As I sat frozen in terror, the ghost began its story:
>       "I was sitting at my computer, working on a lab assignment for my
>       theory of computation class, when suddenly a spirit appeared
>       above my monitor.  As I sat frozen in terror, the ghost began its
>       story:
>          "I was sitting at my computer, working on a lab assignment for
>          my machine architecture class, when suddenly a spirit
>          appeared...
>
> Fortunately, I managed to escape to another console to contact you, oh
> all-knowing Oracle.  I be of you to help me.  How do I stop the
> infinite regress?  Is there a base case, or am I going to be haunted by
> the stories of an infinite number of programmers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Someone, somewhere, has slept through their entire class.  This is not
} just a high probability, it is a certainty.  When the spirits try to
} appear to this person, they won't even notice, and the loop will halt.
} Therefore there is at least one terminating condition, and probably
} several.
}
} If you had been paying attention at all in your programming class, you
} would have been able to figure this out for yourself.  But at least you
} weren't sleeping, which I guess is all we can ask for.
}
} You owe the Oracle a list of all the people connecting Kevin Bacon to
} Douglas Hofstader.


935-09    (mpkd3 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise oracle, can I be funny, too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but you're not there yet.
}
} You owe the Oracle some postings in rec.humor.funny


935-10    (4lpna dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "But the lazy dog bites the hand that feeds it."
} "Greetings to our CIA comrade."
} "And a big Hi to you, KGB buddy. Is it going as planned?"
} "Da. Our agent is in place amongst the Oracle Hierarchy. Only the
}  poor and nondescript answers will be digested from now on."
} "And our sleepers at AOL will ensure a steady supply of those."
} "Soon the people will turn away from the Oracle and rely on their
}  governments for answers, as they should."
} "I couldn't agree more. Here's to more interagency co-operation.
}  Cheers!"
} "Nasdrovya!"
}
} ...
} Is there a mole at Oracle HQ? Will the Oracle smell a rat? Is
} Richard Wilson being just a little too obvious? Tune in next week
} for the next exciting installment of "The Oracle Protocols".
}
} You owe The Oracle casting control over the movie version.


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