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Internet Oracularities #936

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936, 936-01, 936-02, 936-03, 936-04, 936-05, 936-06, 936-07, 936-08, 936-09, 936-10


Internet Oracularities #936    (83 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 1997 12:52:31 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   936
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

936   83 votes 9jpq4 0aqvg 7pon4 3gvkd 5gwl9 49xs9 6cnoi oopa0 5okgi 7cBha
936   3.1 mean  3.0   3.6   2.9   3.3   3.2   3.3   3.4   2.3   3.2   3.1


936-01    (9jpq4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, master of the culinary sciences:
>
> I need to impress a chick.  What kind of wine goes best with TV dinners
> you know, those microwavable ones?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Raisins, water and a pinch of yeast.  2 1/2 minutes, then chill.


936-02    (0aqvg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh infallible Oracle, accountant to the Gods, whose columns are roman
> and error-free, whose rows by any other name would smell as sweet,
> tell me:
>
> Does dismantling a computer with a sledgehammer count as research,
> and can I deduct it as a business expense?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but, if you're running Windows 95, it does count as an upgrade.


936-03    (7pon4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How, oh great one, who's intelligence goes beyond all other mortal
> beings, and how omnicool you are for it, please let this humble and
> unworthy piddle of a supplicant know...
>
> A foxy lady walks into a bar, and she sit by me.  What do I say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Why, that's a big, bushy tail you've got there."
}
} When her head is turned, douse yourself in male fox urine. All foxy
} ladies love this.
}
} You owe the Oracle non-species-specific Rohypnol.


936-04    (3gvkd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hercules rules !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want to know the Hercules Rules? Well, there are too many to list
} all of them, but I can give you a selection:
}
} 1. Despite being the strongest man in the world, nobody's head will
} explode when he hits them.
} ...
} 13. Hera's elite guards could be taken by a couple of Boy Scouts and
} a cranky badger.
} ...
} 24. Despite this being Ancient Greece, women will not walk around
} with their breasts exposed.
} ...
} 33. Amazons will have two (2) breasts at all times.
} ...
} 40. Slaves? What slaves? Nobody here but us farmers and traders.
} ...
} 44. Everybody will speak the same language, even Romans.
} ...
} 50. All men will be heterosexual, whatever the history books say
} about the Greeks.
} ...
} 62. Legendary monsters and people are quite commonplace and are met
} on a regular basis, no matter how far separated in time and space
} they were in reality.
} ...
} 94. Mr Sorbo is not to be referred to as "the big nancy".
}
} That enough to be going on with?
}
} You owe the Oracle a little work on your question construction.
} And your grovelling.


936-05    (5gwl9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       If the Oracle is truly an all-powerful, omniscient being who
> answers questions from all over the world for all, why is there such an
> amazingly high percentage of computer-related questions in the
> Oracularites?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are ten schools of thought on the subject. They're all wrong, but
} you wouldn't be able to understand the real answer.
}
} 1. The Priests are androids.
} 2. The Internet Oracle likes computer users and is more willing to
}    answer their questions.
} 3. Computers object to having non-computer-related questions e-mailed
}    through them and substitute computer-related ones.
} 4. People need more computer advice than other advice.
} 5. There are two sets of Digests; the computer-related ones are on
}    Usenet, the others are in Delphi.
} 6. Non-computer-related questions get forwarded to the Amish Oracle,
}    who has never once bothered to e-mail so much as an acknowledgement.
} 7. The Internet Oracle gets a larger consultant's fee for
}    computer-related questions.
} 8. Only computer-related questions are truly questions; all others are
}    anthropomorphisms.
} 9. Wet steamy monkey sex.
} A. Computers are funny.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of school of thought number 011.


936-06    (49xs9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most entrepreneurial Oracle,
>
> What do you get when you cross Microsoft and Apple?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer lies within the question.  If you assemble the letters of
} "Microsoft and Apple" in the correct order you will see what you get
} when you cross them:
}
}       A lot of crap impends.
}
} You owe the Oracle a jumbo pack of Charmin.


936-07    (6cnoi dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> I have a passion for theoretical physics.  It is theorized that as
> we continue discovering/man making elements, they will again become
> stable.  The theorized element number when they will become stable
> again is 115.  The only problem, to create element 115, you would
> need to bombard element 114 with an infinite number of protons,
> for an infinite amount of time, with an infinite amount of force.
> The only place that 115 would be able to be produced therefore, would
> be in a white dwarf, or near a black hole.  So theorizing that this
> element could in fact exist, let's analyze the properties.  If such
> a dense metal were to exist, it could have many uses.  First of all,
> if you were to take element 115 and create a reactor that could pelt
> it with protons (much less needed in this process), it would become
> unstable element 116, thus.  It is theorized that this process would
> first create anti matter, and also as a bi-product create gravity
> waves.  The anti-matter created could react with the left-over matter,
> which would create a HUGE electrical reaction, causing mass amounts
> of electricity to be given off, able to be harnessed for the use of
> powering electrical equipment.  After that reaction, the anti-matter
> and matter would essentially cancel each other out (assuming this
> reaction took place in a vaccum), thus leaving only gravity waves.
> This would be a 100% efficient reaction, and source of energy.
> The gravity waves could be tapped off, and amplified, thus creating
> a gravity field around a ship.  This could allow your vehicle to
> literally "fall" any direction you want, harnessing Gravity A waves,
> instead of the much weaker Gravity B waves that the earth utilizes.
> Being able to go against earth's gravity as if it didn't exist would
> open up a whole new world of travel, including inter-stellar space.
> Why do I say that?  Because Gravity can distort time & space.
> So instead of travelling linearly, you completely by-pass Einstein's
> law of velocity (not being able to travel greater than the speed of
> light), because you would be not travelling towards something, yet
> you could have your gravity waves pull something to YOU, and then
> once you bring it to you, you snap back to it's original location.
> A good diagram of this is to put a piece latex on a table, and
> put one button on one end, and another button on the other end.
> Pinch the bottom of the rubber near the first button (which could be a
> planet), and pull it to the 2nd button (which could be your vehicle).
> Finally, release, and the "planet" goes back into place, and brings
> the 'vehicle' with it.  Your speed would be infinite, because you
> wouldn't really have a speed.  This concept is very outrageous, and
> possibly sounds insane.  However, physics says that it IS possible,
> given the right conditions, such as the element 115, and making sure
> it has these properties.  My question to you however, is could you
> please give me blueprints and specific instructions on how to create
> the reactor necessary for the 115 to be converted into element 116,
> causing the release of anti-matter and gravity waves?
>
> Thank you SO much,
> Supplicant #644a33312lmnop4146

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One of the major hazards of space travel is those pesky clouds of
} an infinite number of protons you find near white dwarfs. Finally,
} someone's found a use for them! Good for you.
}
} <The Oracle picks up a jar labelled "Centoquindecium" and
} absent-mindedly stirs some into his coffee>
}
} Now, you're looking to leapfrog 100-150 years ahead of current science.
} One of the hazards of this is that you just won't have the support
} infrastructure in place. Sure, I can give you the plans, but where are
} you going to get a gluon compresser? Or a plasma de-linker? And those
} are just the little things. There are two new branches of Structural
} Engineering required to stop your electricity generator shooting
} off at right-angles to the local gravity, and you need a thorough
} grounding in Tachyon Physics to stop it travelling backwards in time.
} Of course, you never get rid of all the centosextadecium (there's no
} such thing as a 100% efficient reaction, a free lunch or an accurate
} economist), so you need a Waste Disposal technology several orders
} of magnitude better than the ones you have now. Unless, of course,
} you want the local wildlife to grow to 100 times normal size and head
} for downtown Tokyo.
}
} In summary, I think you'd be better off forgetting about building
} this reactor, and try increasing your medication instead.
}
} You owe the Oracle a non-dairy creamer better than centoquindecium.


936-08    (oopa0 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the most beautiful thing about an accordion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Judy Tenuta playing it.  "Worship me, pigs!"


936-09    (5okgi dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Here is my PGP public key block:
>
> KAS(DOIASJKD*A*SDA*SDHAJFHAGFAHFTA&FYAT
> AHSDFTA&ISDFYADFYAUSDFYUAUf
>
> WHY, please, why ?!?!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want to know how your PGP key is worked out? That's confidential
} company information.
}
} On the other hand, I do it all the time with Microsoft and I really
} shouldn't play favourites...
}
} It actually contains a variety of personal information about you,
} which the makers of PGP can use in their plot to take over the world
} (oops, I think that part was supposed to be secret too).
} Here's how it breaks down:
}
} > KAS(DO
} Your Credit Card Number (encrypted).
}
} > IA
} You are currently under investigation by Internal Affairs.
}
} > SJ
} GURPS Game system information found on hard drive.
}
} > KD*A*
} The CD-ROM drive contains a kd lang CD. It's a good one, though.
}
} > SD
} Severely Disturbed. Based on your JPG collection.
}
} > A*S
} You have that annoying habit of using asterisks to hide dirty words.
}
} >DHA
} Downloaded Humour Archives. You have over 2Mb of copyrighted
} humour material on your hard drive.
}
} > J
} Your physical attractiveness, on a scale from A-J. Sorry about that.
}
} > FHAG
} Flames Horribly and Grins. Insults people on Usenet and thinks
} putting a smiley at the end makes it alright.
}
} > FAHFTA&FYATA
} The codenames of your Iraqi spymasters.
}
} >HSDF
} Your modified Myers Briggs personality indicators (using PGP's
} special system)
}
} > TA&IS
} Your hobbies and interests. Tits'n'Ass and Information Systems.
}
} > DFYA
} Done First Year Again - indicating those problems you had at
} college.
}
} > DFYA
} Wow! You really struggled!
}
} > USDF
} What your personality indicators would be if you underwent
} extensive therapy. Not much change, really.
}
} > YUAU
} The number of articles read from alt.sex.fetish.hamsters.duct-tape.
} That's an impressive total...
}
} > f
} Check Digit.
}
} You owe the Oracle your private PGP key, where they keep all the
} _real_ dirt.


936-10    (7cBha dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is my email working?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not at the moment.  It's playing.
}
} You owe the Oracle time and a half.


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