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Internet Oracularities #937

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Internet Oracularities #937    (84 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 19:53:30 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   937
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

937   84 votes 3hwn9 ctra6 7fym6 5hosa eroc7 5bfqr aholc 6bDl7 miv94 7ksl8
937   3.0 mean  3.2   2.6   3.1   3.2   2.7   3.7   3.1   3.1   2.5   3.0


937-01    (3hwn9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and well-integrated oracle, whose derivative is
> always greater than zero and whose grandeur is monotonically
> increasing, deign to shed some photons of reasonably high energy
> state upon this humble EE senior, who is indeed unworthy of being
> differentiated from the masses.
>
> I've been working on my thesis project this month, and I've run
> into a problem.  Naturally, I immediately thought of you.  I was
> working, and I ran out of Jolt.  Normally, this isn't a problem,
> but the Mountain Dew stockpile was dry, the Coke cans were all
> empty, and I already ate all the teabags and coffee grounds (even
> the old used ones.)  One of my lab partners told me I should get
> some sleep.  After I found the store (turns out it was OUTSIDE),
> the clerk told me he didn't stock it, since anyone could get
> plenty without leaving home.  I've turned my house upside down
> looking for it, but I can't find any!  What should I do?
>
> Drew D. Supplicant, whose bright red Beretta (OK so it's more
> of a dingy unwashed red) has a bad starter safety switch and
> keeps stranding him places he doesn't want to be!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Given your name and writing style I construe that you belong to the
} miserable gender. I suggest you find sleep by borrowing from those who
} have plenty. How you ask?
}
} Easy. Just find a member of the better sex and sleep with her. As of
} magic, trasfer of sleep will ensue. You will irresistibly be drawn to
} profound sleep whereas she will experience growing awareness and
} increasing energy. The process is also referred to as Sleep EXchange
} or SEX in short.
}
} If you cannot find sleep the first time around, try again. (No there
} is nothing wrong with you. It's not a bug but rather a feature.) In
} case you are still awake after the 4th attempt, stop immediately.
} Consult a medical doctor on emergency basis.
}
} This process is known to have numerous side effects on certain
} subjects and is recommended against for teenagers. There are
} innumerable books and articles on the subject. Be sure you you
} understand the basics before trying.


937-02    (ctra6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thank you for you resume and job application.  Unfortunately, the ABC
> corporation is currently unable to consider your employment with us.
> Reasons for this include, but are not limited to, the following:
>
> * Your references (from a Mr. Kinzler in India) clearly reflect a
>   manager trying to get rid of an employee at all costs.  You current
>   work (at India's Customer Support division) is clearly
>   unsatisfactory.
>
> * Personal familiarity with Zeus, Odin and Shiva, while desirable in
>   themselves, are irrelevant to the ABC corporation's daily affairs.
>
> * A previous conviction in Mexico raises doubts about your ability to
>   represent the ABC corporation abroad.
>
> * Your answer to question 4a ("How much wood...") on the interview
>   test was unsatisfactory.
>
> Please apply elsewhere for an opening, as we feel that while your
> abilities might lead to your employment, the ABC corporation requires
> a far higher standard in Human Resources.
>
> Yours,
>
> I. L. Egible
> Human Resources division
> ABC corporation

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for your kind letter of refusal.  Unfortunately, I am
} currently unable to consider any submission which does not include a
} preamble of at least 256 bytes of groveling.
} While I regret that you have not appreciated my work in the past, I
} feel it necessary to inquire where the Hades you get off, questioning
} an omniscient being?!?  Your background check staff clearly need
} to remove their cranial appendages from their glutineal regions.
} Have you checked *their* references?  Most of them were lying, anyway.
} (Except the bit about the squirrels.)
}
} I wasn't talking about *that* kind of personal familiarity!  Odin and
} Zeus...sorry, not my style - and have you seen Shiva lately?  Scary.
} I agree wholeheartedly that I shouldn't be involved in the daily
} affairs of your corporation...management-mandated orgies are not my
} style.
}
} Will you drop the Mexico bit already?  I was cleared of all charges
} by the third jury (the first two all suffered tragic accidents,
} proving lightning does strike the same place twice sometimes.)
}
} Could you be a little clearer on which answer was unsatisfactory?
} I've answered that question hundreds of times, you know, and
} many of my answers were of such quality that they are preserved
} in published works.
}
} Please allow me to tear you a new opening, as I feel that while your
} insolence might lead to your incineration, the Oracle priesthood
} requires far lower standards.
}
} You owe the oracle two hours of commercial-free late night movie.


937-03    (7fym6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr Oracle,
>
> I speak on behalf of the people from Olympus. I need a favor.
>
> You remember Old Zeus, from G.O.D. University? Well, he's starting to
> get forgetful. He's not to blame, because he can't help it either (his
> age, you know). But before it's too late, I need to take care of many
> things.
>
> One of those things, concerns his workload. At his age, he's just not
> capable of doing things like this anymore. He's starting to talk to
> himself, and stops talking to others. And because we have to keep up
> our competition (this asshole from Delphi is trying to take away Zeus'
> suplicants).....
>
> We want to ask you if you'd want to take over Zeus' workload. We're in
> great trouble. We MUST find a solution before this Delphi Oracle takes
> over.
>
> Your sincerely,
>
> <unreadable scribble>
>
> G.A. Young
>
> P.S.: we came to you before Zeus' told us he used to sit next to you in
> university. It's just a shot in the dark, but it's worth the effort.
> Please be so kind to respond to the following email address:
> Zeus@olympus.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sit next to me? Trust him to play it down! The two of us were
} inseperable! What we used to pull.... I remember the time we faked up
} an entire student, passed him through the program, got him a job! And
} no-one noticed! We even gave him some really stupid, unpronouncable
} name. (All consonants. Yhwh or something, I think.)  And the time we
} got Kali (she was going with ol' Z at the time, before he hooked up
} with Hera) to do the Lady Godiva (of course, it wasn't called that at
} the time, but you know what I mean) around the campus! Even got Odin to
} loan us his eight-legged horse. What a riot that was!
}
} Yeah, GOD used to be a great university, back then. But then all that
} stuff happened, about three Ages after we graduated, with all of those
} younger students. (I'd have to check back in my scrapbook for the
} details, but some of them were apparently real troublemakers. One of
} them, Yog something or other, and his buddy Cthula, I think, were the
} worst of the bunch.) The reputation of the university just plummeted,
} and it's never been the same since. *sigh*
}
} But the old school tie never fades. I'll help out my old buddy.
} Whatever he can't handle, just send over here. My Priesthood are
} getting lazy anyways, and they could use a shakeup.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the G.O.D. University yearbook from his
} graduating year. He had a five-billion year hangover after the
} celebrations and lost track of his original copy.


937-04    (5hosa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the.. ?
>
> -Andrey

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A somewhat interestingly put question semantically, Andrey, but it's a
} start, and your grasp of the English language will continually improve
} if you keep consulting the Oracle about questions like this.
}
} "The" is the definite article of the English language; i.e., that
} adjective used when one is referring to a specific member of a class of
} things.  It is distinguished from "a" (which, incidentally, is a Dutch
} letter) in that the specificity of "the" is limited to an inferred
} antecedent, which may be different for speaker and listener.
}
} For example, in the sentence
}
}       I skinned the woodchuck who ate my Dutch apple ice cream in three
}               different yet equally snarky ways.
}
} "The" is referring to a specific woodchuck, one which can (by
} implication) known to both the speaker and the listener before the
} sentence is spoken or, as in this case, a specified woodchuck (the one
} who ate my Dutch apple ice cream).
}
} If, on the other hand, the sentence read
}
}       I skinned a woodchuck who ate my Dutch apple ice cream in pi
}               different yet equally snarky ways.
}
} The woodchuck referred to could be *any* woodchuck who happened to eat
} my Dutch apple ice cream.
}
} "The," thus, is highly subjective, in that its meaning can depend on
} the person with whom you are speaking.  For example, when you say
}
}       I gave the woodchuck a Dutch rub.
}
} to me, I could assume that "the woodchuck" is the Giant Scary Woodchuck
} of Doom, while if you said
}
}       I gave the woodchuck a Dutch rub.
}
} to Zadoc, he might assume that "the woodchuck" to which you referred
} was the dead one under the porch.
}
} While in the above sentences, "the" was always more specific than "a,"
} there are some contexts in which "the" can be properly used, but "a"
} can not, i.e.
}
}       The Flying Dutchmen own six airplanes and three woodchucks.
}
} Furthermore, "the" is sometimes used to give special emphasis to a word
} or phrase, as in
}
}       The Giant Scary Woodchuck of Doom is The Dutch Uncle.
}
} as opposed to
}
}       The Giant Scary Woodchuck of Doom is a Dutch uncle.
}
} The equivalent of "the" in most languages is more complex, for example,
} in various contexts, the English word "the" can be equivalent to the
} German words "der," "die," "das," "des," "den," and "dem," or in
} Spanish, "el," "la," "los," etc.  As an added bonus to your knowledge,
} supplicant, I'll throw in as a free bonus the Flemish equivalents (this
} is sort of like a Dutch treat): "de" and "het."  So, though there is
} only a single English word for this concept, there are treble that in
} Kazakh, sextuple German, and double Dutch.
}
} As a final note, it should be pointed out that "the" sometimes is used
} as an acronym, for example for TetraHydroxyEther.  When it is used in
} this context, however, it is almost invariably capitalised.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Dutch woodchuck.


937-05    (eroc7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty and most Kibological Oracle, I have need of thy guidance.
>
> There are some threads in alt.religion.kibology that I'd like to
> killfile, but I'm afraid that if I do that I might miss something
> posted by Kibo, since he reads EVERY post in the group. What is the
> solution to my dillemma, O Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To answer this one, I'll hand you over to (drum roll) Kibo!
}
} Kibo: Yes? Oh, Damn Orrie, do you have to refer EVERY question to me?
}
}       Hmmm, ok, to answer the question....
}       Truth is, I haven't read the group in years, is it still there?
}       You mean...AH HA HA HA HA HA!! ROFL <getting up off floor> people
}       actually POST to that thing?!! AH HA HA HA!!!  Heh, I created
}       <giggle> that thing years ago <giggle> just to see if I could
}       send a fake control message.  Ah, man , I need a drink of water.
}       <laughs his way out of the room>


937-06    (5bfqr dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, wherefore art thou, Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LISA
}      O Oracle, Oracle! wherefore art thou Oracle?
}      Forswear thy domain name and be mine alone;
}      Or but email me thy confirmation,
}      And I shall renounce all woodchucks that are in my family.
}
} ORACLE
}      [Aside] Odds bodkins!  What nonstandard protocol is this?
}
} LISA
}      'Tis but a matter of a few bytes
}      That doth separate our hearts.
}      This eternal battle betwixt Woodchuck
}      And Oracle doth make me grieve;
}      For I love one and yet - alas!
}      Am of the blood of the other.
}      Oracle!  Would that thou could bear
}      Some other name, or I
}      Could, with this dagger, free myself
}      Of the name thou endurest not.
}
} ORACLE
}      I cannot remain silent any longer!
}      I shall grant you superuser access
}      To every portion of my heart and soul;
}      Log on, if thou wilt, and delete my name
}      If that is what keeps us apart.
}
} LISA
}      What manner of packet-sniffer
}      Decrypts my most sensitive private data?
}
} ORACLE
}      For now, my love, I am but a guest user;
}      I would rather reformat my drives
}      Than repeat again that name
}      Which causes thee such strife.
}
} LISA
}      As if thou couldst deceive me!  Thy voice
}      Is like a hundred-line .sig
}      Which identifies thee as surely
}      As though I had fingered thee.
}      Art thou not the Oracle?
}
} ORACLE
}      I would rather not harm thy sensibilities
}      With my reply.
}
} LISA
}      How darest thou lurk silent, spying me
}      While I muse here, wearing only
}      That skimpy negligee that revealeth much?
}
} ORACLE
}      Fair Lisa, I must confess that when I saw thee
}      Bedecked in lacy underthings,
}      I tarried here, bewitched.  And how much greater
}      Than a woodchuck was my joy
}      At thine appearance.
}
} LISA
}      Likest thou this?  It was on sale.  But alas!
}      I fear it does no good to be enticing thusly
}      For thou shalt surely ZOT me
}      In the presence of my woodchuck kin.
}
} ORACLE
}      Stay thy tongue, O vision of beauty!
}      Thou shalt come with me and under my protection
}      Thy woodchuck past shall be forgotten.
}      And with my staff of ZOT
}      Thy loathsome relatives
}      Shall hinder our eternal love no more.
}
} LISA
}      Can'st be true?  Say thou again
}      That thee shall have me for thine own!
}
} ORACLE
}      By Kinzler I do swear it!
}
} LISA
}      My joy is complete!  I may slumber now
}      Assured of thy constant love.
}
} ORACLE
}      Then let us fly together tonight, my love
}      And leave these wretched woodchucks behind.
}
} ZADOC
}      Lisa?  Art thou ready for bed yet?
}
} ORACLE
}      What intrusion is this?
}
} LISA
}      'Tis but my companion and servant,
}      The faithful Zadoc.  If we are to elope
}      My dearest friend must join us.
}
} ORACLE
}      Aye, but make haste!  Time grows late
}      And we must be away from here at once!
}
} LISA
}      At once it shall be, my dearest love.
}      I go now to pack - just a few things I need;
}      My makeup case, and my clothes,
}      And of course my jewelry, and this case
}      Of my favorite romance novels.
}      Zadoc!  Tonight we join
}      My beloved Oracle for all our lives
}      Henceforth.
}
} { enter ZADOC }
} ZADOC
}      I am overjoyed, my lady.  Canst thou carry
}      Just ONE of thy bags?  I fear my back
}      My break under the strain
}      Of thy belongings.
}
} ORACLE
}      Enough!  We leave now, 'ere 'tis too late;
}      Good Zadoc (thou miserable worm), be quick.
}
} ZADOC
}      As thou wish, thy zotfulness.
}
} {exeunt}


937-07    (aholc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can .VOC files be MIME encoded?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, you fool, you can't vocalize something AND mime at the same time,
} that's why it's called miming!


937-08    (6bDl7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                               U L T I M A T U M
>
> TO: Internet Oracle
> FR: Law Offices of Smith, Beelzebub, and Cohen
> RE: Breach of Contract
>
> Dear Sir:
>
>       It has come to the attention of the Law Offices of Smith,
> Beelzebub, and Cohen that you, the Internet Oracle ("Oracle") have
> breached contract with our client, one Prince of Darkness ("Devil").
> You have a copy of the contract, so we will not bother with the details
> presently.  The main thrust of the contract was for Mr. Devil to
> deliver to Mr. Oracle omniscience, omnipotence, and an undying
> following, the price of which was to be Mr. Oracle's soul.  Mr. Oracle,
> you have sold your soul to the devil, but you have not delivered.  We
> are waiting impatiently for your immediate reply.
>
>                               Sincerely,
>                               Smith, Beelzebub, and Jones

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Messrs. Smith, Cohen and Bub,
}
} Closer examination of my contract with the "devil" as you call him will
} reveal to you that while I have in fact sold my soul to the dear little
} chap, no mention is made of any requirement to deliver it to him. He
} owns it, have no doubt, but he will have to find it for himself. If he
} encounters any difficulty with this, he may have to whomp up another
} batch of omniscience for his own self.
}
} In addition, all of the popular literature has clearly represented D as
} coming and collecting in person. It would be reasonable for him to do
} me the courtesy of doing so, especially in my case, since My Omniscient
} and Omnipotent soul is doubtless worth a bit of formality on his part
} which might not normally be due to pitiful mortals such as yourselves,
} groping in the dark wandering the halls of delusion as you are.
}
}                                               Cheerfully Yours
}                                               (come and get me)
}
}                                               The Oracle.


937-09    (miv94 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Is Diana really dead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh supplicant of the completely non-existent grovel, the
} earth-shatteringly absent honorific and the bloody brief question.
}
} Not completely (assuming you count the symbiotes as part of the *whole*
} organism), but pretty much so. Wouldn't pass a turing test, for
} instance.
}
} You owe The Oracle a better crash-proof Mercedes.


937-10    (7ksl8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I become the Nobele Prize?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since the Nobel prize consists of a gold medal, a certificate, and
} a sum of money, the answer is unfortunately "no".  Luckily, the
} Oracle is aware of several prizes which you are fully capable of
} becoming:
}
} 1. The L. Ron Hubbard Memorial Good and Faithful Censor Award
}
}    Awarded every year to the individual who has done the most to
}    prevent dissemination of copyrighted religious material while
}    striving to make people take Tom Cruise seriously as a spokesperson,
}    the prize consists of one Fully Cleared human being. You may qualify
}    for becoming the prize by moving to Clearwater, Florida, with a sum
}    of $748,000 in small-denomination bills, and having your brain
}    scanned by a pair of tin cans connected to the innards of a Radio
}    Shack Learning About Electronics kit.
}
} 2. The Northern Minnesota Bundling Award
}
}    Awarded annually to the farmer in the counties of Kittson, Roseau,
}    or Lake of the Woods who records the highest number of bushels
}    of winter wheat per acre, the prize consists of one young
}    person with whom the winner may "bundle" during the six-month
}    winter season, for purposes of mutual warmth only. (Since both
}    bundler and bundlee are sewn into burlap bags every evening,
}    the injunction is rather a moot point.) You may qualify for
}    the award by moving to East Grand Forks and learning to postpend
}    "Yah?" to every sentence.
}
} 3. The Harvard Oligarchs Slave-For-A-Day Award
}
}    Presented at the yearly banquet to the member who has exhibited
}    the best taste in cigars, Scotch, and neoconservative ideology,
}    the prize consists of a "slave" who is required to do the
}    recipient's bidding for 24 hours. You may qualify for the award
}    by investing in a can of black shoe polish with which to apply
}    the traditional Humorous Blackface.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Germanic language with more sense than to
} use "bekommen" when it means "get".


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