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Internet Oracularities #938

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938, 938-01, 938-02, 938-03, 938-04, 938-05, 938-06, 938-07, 938-08, 938-09, 938-10


Internet Oracularities #938    (95 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 4 Sep 1997 09:34:48 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   938
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

938   95 votes 9uxh6 dpEc5 7dqAd 6tvn6 9gznc 5iwv9 5fwsf bjpqe dBsd4 7jumh
938   3.0 mean  2.8   2.7   3.4   2.9   3.1   3.2   3.3   3.1   2.6   3.2


938-01    (9uxh6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much wo...<ZOT> aaarghh!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Ah, getting closer.  Next time I'll have it for
}      sure.  Once this beta version of the new Oracle
}      gateway is running correctly, I will no longer
}      be bothered by those annoying woodchuck questions.
}
}      Supplicants who merely ~think~ of asking the
}      ever tiring woodchuck question will be zotted!!!
}
}      You owe the Oracle two sparrows and some twine.


938-02    (dpEc5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does embryology recapitulate ontogeny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not exactly...phrenology implicates psychology, though.
}
} You owe the oracle a lump on the head.


938-03    (7dqAd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I you looking something in Switzerland, send me your e-mail

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ugh.  Thag get mail.  Oracle say Thag answer question.  Oracle say
} question at Thag's level.
}
} Thag think Switzerland have many things.  Much chocolate.  Many great
} mountains.  Sometimes when rain comes, Thag hear mountain gods
} fighting, see flashes of light in sky.  Thag think, why mountain
} gods fight?  If Thag have mountain, Thag not fight.
}
} Thag think mountains have caves.  Thag like caves.  Cave protect Thag
} from many things, like mountain gods.  Many mountains mean many caves.
}
} Thag looking for inexpensive cave in Switzerland mountains.  Thag send
} mail to get brochures on cave.  Send brochures to Thag, care of Oracle.
}
} Thag notice you no grovel.  Thag hit you with spiky club, take your
} woman if happens again.
}
} You owe Oracle picture of mountain gods fighting and owe Thag spare
} spiky club.


938-04    (6tvn6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Orrie, there's something which has been bothering me for quite
> a while. You may not know the sensation, but sometimes I have something
> on the tip of my tongue, but just can't quite recall it. Anyway,
> I went and got your contract and job description - you remember,
> the one you signed in blood when we hired you all those centuries
> ago - and went over it with a fine-tooth comb. Finally, I found what
> had been bothering me on page 327. Do you have your copy there? Ah,
> I see you do. Good. Take a look at paragraph 1384c. The one labeled
> "Mandatory Celibacy".
>
> Have a nice day.
>             -Thor

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh Thor.  Back debating the small print again, eh?  Yes I'm quite
} familiar with the paragraph in question, and I'm not about to let
} you revoke or amend it.  You and your cronies are stuck with it,
} and celibate you will all stay.  Let it be a lesson to you to read
} things before you sign them.  Now get me another Margarita (less salt
} this time), then get back to washing those floors.


938-05    (9gznc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle!   Bill Gates!   Oracle!   Bill Gates!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As they enter the arena, every head turns and every eye is upon them.
} Clad in neon orange spandex, the scrawny underdog from Seattle climbs
} into the ring and begins to jump about in a furious and ill-advised
} parody of a warm-up.  Wearing his Sunday-best halo and a cloud of
} glory, the all-knowing Oracle enters the ring; bowing to supplicants
} on each hand and radiating that peaceful charisma that is the hallmark
} of divinity, he turns to face his pathetic opponent.  The bell rings.
}
} ZOT!!!
}
} The mighty Oracle shrugs into his dressing robe and climbs out of the
} ring and into his gold-appointed chariot.  As he leaves in a burst of
} effervescent light, the crowd takes one last look at the stain upon
} the canvas where late a proud  challenger stood, then rises to depart.
}
} You owe the Oracle a really nice belt.


938-06    (5iwv9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most fashion-conscious, please advise me...
>
> ...Why do we wear neckties? What's the point?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I draw your attention to Oracular bylaw number MMCDII, Paragraph 6,
} Clause 9:
}
} "If the supplicant shall ask more than one question, and expect to get
} by with fewer grovels than questions, the Oracle shall be obligated
} to answer only a number of questions equal to the number of grovels,
} and the Supplicant shall be liable for the full penalties of the law,
} as described in Oracular bylaw number LXXIV (q.v). . ."
}
} So:
}
} The point is the really narrow thing at each end.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Moebius necktie.
}
} And a new set of bylaws.


938-07    (5fwsf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose wisdom extends above and below the seas, who knows the
> name and URL of every web page, smiter of B1FF, whose ZOT is mighty,
> please tell me...
>
> I just got an e-mail from my web provider saying that they planned to
> have an outrage about 2:00 a.m. Tuesday morning. This is terrible!
> It's bad enough that outrages occur, but to *plan* one -- and then
> brag about it -- that's too much. Who should I call to report them
> before they commit this outrage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh ignorant supplicant, I would have thought that you'd know better
} but obviously not. This is nothing to complain about, on the contrary,
} it's perfectly normal and if anything you should be thanking your ISP!
}
} What happens in an outrage is that the main server temporarily screams
} at the top of its voice to release the anger which it has built up
} over the preceding week.
} This anger is due to many things, mainly ignorant users who mistype
} email addresses or urls, people who do not maintain the links on
} their web sites. But most of all this anger is caused by the "newbie".
} You know the type, sees a space at the top of their browser for the
} url and thinks "hey if I type sex (or anything else similarly smutty)
} in that box, I'll get cool pictures".
} <sigh>
} Why no one bothers to give these people half an education about
} computers when they buy one, I'll never know.
} Before you know it they'll be onto usenet and starting a flamewar of
} global proportions.
}
} So back to the outrages - if the server didn't release the frustration
} built up by these ignoramii then every time you sent a mail  to
} the wrong address, it would most likely be returned, not with an
} unintelligible message from the server but with a string of expletives
} and with viruses attached.
}
} So be thankful, ring your isp and take some cookies round for the
} good folks that work there to let them know they're doing a swell job.
} *Unless* you use aol, then just tell them they suck.
}
} You owe the Oracle a punchbag to release anger built up by stupid
} questions like this.


938-08    (bjpqe dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Zog here. Students pick Zog for time stuff again. Zog taking dump
> at time. Zog real mad. Students run away, leave big grey boxes.
> Zog know how use big grey boxes to ask Oracle, always students pick
> Zog for time stuff. Reg never picked. Reg too tall, head shaped
> funny. Him make round things all day, bang flints, not got woman.
>
> Reg geek.
>
> Why pick Zog all time? Why Reg not picked?
>
> Ummm... need grovel. Hokay. Oracle fleas more big tasty than Zog
> fleas.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zog, me Oracle speak.
}
} Students learn, by the study thing.
} Students look at Reg, look at Zog.
} Students see geek, see guy good at time stuff.
}
} Students not stupid, don't like geek.
} So students pick Zog.
}
} Nother thing, Zog.
} You got woman, students not got woman.
} You away doing time stuff, students alone with woman.
} Maybe nothing happen, but maybe something do.
}
} me the Oracle has spoke.
} Zog owe Oracle proof of Big Bang.  (Mean doing more time stuff, Zog)


938-09    (dBsd4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Omni-Present Oracle,
> Seeing as we are coming to the end of the what has been another
> Summer of "Highbrow" and "Intellectually Stimulating" blockbuster
> films. Could you answer these queries.
>
> 1) Which actor would you like to the play yourself in a forthcoming
>    film bio-pic?
> 2) Who would be your romantic lead?
> 3) What part would Jeff Goldblum play?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actor?
}   Oh, you think I'm *male*... well... I'm femail this time around, so
} I'd say... mmmm... oh, Miss Piggy. Inevitably, my romantic lead would
} be Kermie, and Jeff Goldblum would fill in for Bunsen (the regular
} would have a... beaker accident). Incidentally, the title is "Jurassic
} Pork"... I'll let you guess the plot.


938-10    (7jumh dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me great and magnificent Oracle :
>
> What is Norway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try to imagine a country where the typical inhabitant has:
} * The haughtiness of an English Lord.
} * The generosity of a Scot
} * The refinement of a redneck.
}
} That's Norway.
}
} For more information on Norway, please contact any Swede.


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