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Internet Oracularities #939

Goto:
939, 939-01, 939-02, 939-03, 939-04, 939-05, 939-06, 939-07, 939-08, 939-09, 939-10


Internet Oracularities #939    (84 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 10 Sep 1997 12:58:57 -0500 (EST)

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   939
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

939   84 votes 4htp9 arud4 1otl9 9kon8 8hwn4 6bsof 6nsha 3burd 4lxn3 58lpp
939   3.2 mean  3.2   2.7   3.2   3.0   3.0   3.4   3.0   3.4   3.0   3.7


939-01    (4htp9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear great, holy, magnificent Oracle, to whom I owe a great debt of
> gratitude for the advice you gave to me last time, please answer my
> question that has been bothering me lately.
>
> I am a spy for the Canadian spy agency CSIS. Recently, intelligence
> reported the advance of certain deadly technologies being developed in
> Iraq. The synopsis is that the Iraqi army has fully developed a weapon
> capable of bringing mass starvation to millions in North America.
>
> I have been assigned the mission of going over to Iraq and destroying
> this dastardly device. I am only able to bring some binder twine and 55
> ml of water, as the plane flying me there will already be severly
> overloaded. I am unsure of how to penetrate the Iraqi fortress, and
> subsequently destroy the weapon. Should I try the reknowned Beauford
> Method? (I will not bother to elaborate upon this secretive method, as
> I am sure that one of your Omniscient abilities must find this practise
> horrendously primitive in nature, although it impresses most of us mere
> mortals.). Or should I perhaps go with a less conventional method, ie.
> convincing the Iraqi army to somehow use the weapon upon themselves in
> a sort of mass suicide pact? Please help me with a plan of action.
>
> Oh yes, by the way, I do have a partner, however I cannot tell you who
> it is, as this mission is highly classified.
>
> Yours truly,
>
> EDWARD D. BLAPNOST,
> CSIS Agent and super-spy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Edward, due to the extreme nature of your situation, I have consulted
} the McGuyver Handbook of Survival in Hostile Territory.  You have
} obviously misplaced yours.  Let me see here... Hmmm... this might not
} be as difficult as you think.  Alright, I think I have a plan.
}
} A)  To penetrate the Iraqi fortress you must approach the back door
}     (you know the one) and ascertain which guard is on duty.  It will
}     be one of two guards, Slaboo or Guido.  If it is Guido, tell him I
}     sent you (he owes me).  If it is Slaboo, tell him your container
}     holding 55ml of water is a new nerve toxin you wish to sell.
}     After you have his attention, strangle him with the binder twine.
}     You're in.
}
} B)  Locate (if your intelligence hasn't already provided you with the
}     information) the device.  Drink your 55ml of water, then urinate
}     on the device.  This is considered sacrilegious to Iraqis and they
}     will no longer be able to use the device for fear of reprisals from
}     Allah.
}
} C)  If you are smart, you will have figured out what to do with your
}     twine to effect your escape unnoticed.  If not, ask your partner,
}     s/he owes me too.
}
} You owe the Oracle one Iraqi Big Mac[tm].


939-02    (arud4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle full of life, whose nits I am unworthy to pick,
> tell me please,
>
> How can I rid myself of this unhealthy preoccupation with trilobites?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like you, supplicant, trilobites are extinct marine animals which lived
} gazillions of years ago.  Of course this was several reincarnations
} ago.
}  Your unhealthy preoccupation derives from your inability to accept
} your trilobite heritage.  Noted trilobitologist, Prof. George W. Hart
} once said, "real trilobites may or may not have tasted like chicken."
} Therefore, I recommend you get in touch with your inner trilobite by
} making some of Prof. Hart's (almost) famous Trilobite Cookies.  You can
} his recipe at http://www.li.net/~george/trilobites/trilobite.html
} Have fun and remember this Trilobite Maxim:  We all die; have fun!
}
} You owe the Oracle a care package of trilobite cookies.


939-03    (1otl9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose teeth are as pearly white as the soft, naked rump of a
> newborn polar bear:
>
> Do you know the muffin man?  The muffin man?  The muffin man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Are you trying to butter me up?
}
} Ok, ok... I /knew/ a Muffin Man once.
} He lived on Drury Lane.
}
} Use to always rise to the occasion. Had a wit sharp
} as a breadknife.
}
} Unfortunatly, he got a bit nutty. Went bananas, you
} might say. Took to loafing about. Put on a few pounds.
} Moved away from the Parkerhouse. That crumb just seemed
} to dissapear.
}
} Read a while ago he was arrested for running about
} naked shouting something like, "I'm self-rising!
} I'm self-rising!"
}
} Sad, really.
}
} You owe the Oracle some cream cheese.
} (Which has less fat than baby polarbears and is just as white.)


939-04    (9kon8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, film critic to the gods. Oh ye who could
> sit through a John Agar film festival and remain
> awake and interested, I beg of you an answer to my
> question.
>
> I just got back from watching _Event_Horizon_, and
> boy are my eyes tired.  I was monumentally unimpressed.
> It's not that I don't like _generic_climax_no._17_,
> it's just that I've seen it three times this week
> already.  Anyway, in the movie that guy from Jurassic
> Park calls _The_Big_Scary_Thing_We_Run_From_
> (tm, Ed Wood) "pure evil".
>
> "Pure Evil"?  That's a little silly, isn't it?  I mean,
> have you ever even seen concentrated evil?  Refined and
> processed evil?  Pure evil is so cliche, but I have
> never once heard anyone say:
> "It's 78 percent evil!"
> or
> "Well, it's mostly evil, but it's also got some nasty
>  bits that look like bratwurst."
> "The sausage?"
> "Yes, we're not sure what it is, but we're pretty certain
>  that it's not evil."
> "Well, that's good."
> "Now this gooey stuff, here, that's evil."
> "Awful lot of it, isn't there?"
>
> Well anyway, my question to you is this:  Is there anything
> that really exists that really is pure evil?  And if it's
> 78 percent evil, is that by weight or volume?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Sci-fi Jockey of fury:
}
} Evil. Well. Interesting. To tell the truth, I have never really
} considered the question of evil. Too bad I'm not a magic 8-ball. "The
} Answer eludes me. Ask later."
}
} Ahem. Well now. To answer your question, we must first look at the
} nature of evil itself. "What is evil?", is a question mortals have
} pondered for endless centuries. "I mean, is Ted Kennedy REALLY evil, or
} just a bit of a booze-hound??" "What about Elvis? Is a man who makes
} more money dead than alive evil, or just a bit silly in nature??"
}
} Well, child, ask no more. For evil DOES in fact exist in a pure form.
} It is manufactured by Hershey Inc., and comes in the form of a spray
} can bearing the insideous label "PURE EVIL IN A CAN". It comes in both
} 250 ml and 550 ml sizes, and has a handy applicator. It states that
} spreading evil around has never been easier, and more fun! In fact,
} this wise and benevolent Oracle saw an infomercial just the other day.
} You get PURE EVIL IN A CAN for only $29.95! And for only $10.00 more,
} you get a second can! WHAT VALUE!!
}
} Evil, however, must be sold by weight, not volume. Due to an F.D.A
} ruling just last year, it is unlawful for evil to be marketed in any
} other way. Some neo-nazis were apparently having a hoe-down (or
} whatever it is that neo-nazis partake in), and tried to pass 7.5 kg of
} evil off as 22 kgs, simply by inflating the evil somewhat. This is
} UNFAIR TRADE PRACTICES, and "Will not be tolerated" in the words of
} labour minister Dr. Harold Pickering. Remeber though, some settling may
} occur during shipping.
}
} Anyways, the guy from the movie, "Event horizon" was apparently a bit
} shaken after being chased aroung by large lizards, which is
} understandable. In many situations such as this, old cliches are
} utilized. Perhaps he should have looked before he leaped. Then again,
} you should never look a gift horse in the mouth.
}
} Well, I certainly hope that I have been of some assistance. For
} additional information send 6 pounds of backbacon to:
}
} The Salvation Army's "Creation of Evil" division;
} 4548 Damnation Dr. SE
} New York, NY
} 1548613
}
} This is a worthy charity dedicated to providing evil, free of charge,
} to children who might not otherwise have a chance to experience it.
}
} You owe the oracle some deep-fried battered evil and 2 tickets to see
} "Event horizon".
}
} Finis


939-05    (8hwn4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You looking for import-export businnes ?
> i am in Switzerland. give me your email.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for your kind offer, supplicant, but I'm already on the board
} of directors of a little import/export business started by my old
} friend Hermes, Messenger of the Gods.  We offer one-hour delivery
} anywhere on the earth, above, or under it.  Everything we sell is
} duty-free. (Who would dare to tax the Gods?)  We specialize in those
} hard-to-get items, such as Cuban Cigars, African Rhinocerous Horn[*],
} and Persian Heroin[**].
}
} I'm afraid we don't get much call for chocolate or watches or even
} those nifty little multi-purpose pocket knives.  On the other hand, we
} will have an order coming in soon (I know these things -- I'm the
} Oracle) for a large quantity of gold.  Yahoowah needs to re-pave the
} streets of his tacky little heaven again.  And our usual supplier,
} Alberich, is a real pain to deal with, always going on about his stupid
} ring, and how he could have been king, yadda, yadda.  So, if you could
} have a megatonne ready to ship in exactly 27 hours, I imagine we could
} do some business.
}
} You owe the Oracle a navy.
}
} [*]  No, we don't kill Rhinos, nor do we condone or support those who
} kill them.  We grow our own Rhinocerous Horns.  On our own noses.
}
} [**]  Yes, heroin, no you can't have any.  We're Gods, we don't have
} these little problems with addictions like you mortals do.


939-06    (6bsof dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> void main(void)
> {
>     char *words_of_wisdom;
>
>     grovel();
>     grovel();
>     extra_grovel();
>
>     send_tellme("oracle@cs.indiana.edu",
>                 "How can you tell when you've been "
>                 "programming in C for way too long?");
>
>     do {
>         write_code();
>         write_code();
>         get_coffee();
>         write_code();
>     } while (!check_mail("oracle@cs.indiana.edu", &words_of_wisdom));
>
>     change_life_accordingly(words_of_wisdom);
> }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} class Answerer
} {
}   public:
}     const char* AnswerQuestion(ifstream& q);
}   private:
}     void NagSpelling();
}     void NagGrovel();
}     void Zot(long severity);
}     void Void(toilet&);
}     void RequestPayment(const char* YouOwe);
}     ifstream& quest;
} }
}
} char* AnswerQuestion(ifstream& q)
} {
}   if(GetNumber(q)==11454)
}   {
}     RequestPayment("An optimizer that doesn't fundamentally alter the "
}                    "meaning of basic language constructs.";)
}     return "Same way you know you've been programming in C++ for way
}            "too long, but with less run-time overhead.\n";
}   }
}   //...
} }


939-07    (6nsha dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I you looking something in Switzerland, send me your e-mail

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (banjo music starts playing)
}
} Hey you boy, I say, what's that you say?  (spit)  I say, boy, you
} askin' me if I be lookin' for somethin'?  (spits again)  I'll tell you
} what Ah'm lookin for heah.  (thumbs in overalls).  Ah'm a 100%
} red-blooded 'merican man, and Ah'm lookin' to eddicate the likes of you
} in proper In-ter-net ett-i-cat.  So if you's listen up heah boy, you
} see we heah 'mericans don't do like you fancy-dancy 'peans, askin' for
} a girl's what's it called, ayee-mail?  We do it the old-fashioned way.
} Buy her somethin' purdy.  They like those little flowers n' such,
} petunias, n' they love 'em chocolates n' those purdy li'l sparklin'
} dia-monds, like that fifty carrot one I bought fer my missus, bought it
} fandaggled fer 25 bucks from a guy in a truck for half-price.  Take 'er
} out to a good time.  Monster truck rally n' such.  Go fishin wid her r'
} somethin'.  N' wash yer face boy.  No girl likes a durty boy.  But
} don't be such a pansy or nuthin' either.  None of this doodly daddly
} 'pean pretty boy, wearin' purfume n' such.  Woman likes a real man.
} Buy a truck.  N' a gun.  N' a big dawg.  Yep.  (spits again).  You's
} gots lots to lurn 'bout women, boy.  N' English too.  Even I know "I
} you lookin' somethin'" ain't much of a phraseologic or nothin'.
}
} (walks away muttering "pansy 'pean, fandaggled email")


939-08    (3burd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle: (who knows more than Fred (I think))
>
> Is the universe one vast Rube Goldberg device, and
> how does it work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sadly, dear supplicant, it is not. Things would be much simpler that
} way. For instance, wars wouldn't involve thousands of people dying
} while trying to kill thousands of other people they don't even know.
} Instead, wars would be fought as follows:
}
} Nation A wants to annex Nation B.
} A builds a giant seesaw, C.
} A invents invisible paint, D.
} A sells a slightly defective communications satellite, E, to B (through
} a third party of course).
} A puts a cow, F, on one end of C.
} A paints F with D.
} A's head of state invites B's heaviest diplomat, G, to come play on C.
} G sits on the C, launching F.
} F hits E, causing it to explode. The bits of E rain down on B's
} capital, killing off its entire government.
}
} See? Only B gets hurt. No muss, no fuss, no bother.
}
} You owe the Oracle, H, the recipe for D.


939-09    (4lxn3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Responsable Oracle, please tell me:
>       What's the meaning about: "Em terra de cego, quem tem um olho e
>       caolho"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a message which would be in a Portuguese fortune cookie, if
} Portuguese restaurants gave out fortune cookies. Here are some
} translations of typical Portuguese fortunes:
}
}     You will soon seek riches, which will elude you.
}
}     I hope you didn't order the fish.
}
}     Avoid using power tools this week.
}
}     In matters of the heart, argue your point loudly.
}
}     Luck will follow you, like a fishing boat with a torn net.
}
}     Wear plenty of sunscreen.
}
}     You make friends easily. One of them will kill you.
}
}     Expect romance from an unlikely source.
}
}     The Surgeon General has determined that
}     smoking is hazardous for your health.
}
}     Keep hands and feet from beneath mower.
}
}     On all the earth, no one really loves okra.
}
} Your fortune was that last one.
}
} You owe the Oracle the bacalhau.


939-10    (58lpp dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose wisdom exceeds only your patience,
>
> what is "damning through faint praise"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are the most intelligent supplicant I know.
} You owe the oracle a complimentary beverage.


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