939-04 (9kon8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: email@example.com (Kirsten Chevalier)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> Oh Oracle, film critic to the gods. Oh ye who could
> sit through a John Agar film festival and remain
> awake and interested, I beg of you an answer to my
> I just got back from watching _Event_Horizon_, and
> boy are my eyes tired. I was monumentally unimpressed.
> It's not that I don't like _generic_climax_no._17_,
> it's just that I've seen it three times this week
> already. Anyway, in the movie that guy from Jurassic
> Park calls _The_Big_Scary_Thing_We_Run_From_
> (tm, Ed Wood) "pure evil".
> "Pure Evil"? That's a little silly, isn't it? I mean,
> have you ever even seen concentrated evil? Refined and
> processed evil? Pure evil is so cliche, but I have
> never once heard anyone say:
> "It's 78 percent evil!"
> "Well, it's mostly evil, but it's also got some nasty
> bits that look like bratwurst."
> "The sausage?"
> "Yes, we're not sure what it is, but we're pretty certain
> that it's not evil."
> "Well, that's good."
> "Now this gooey stuff, here, that's evil."
> "Awful lot of it, isn't there?"
> Well anyway, my question to you is this: Is there anything
> that really exists that really is pure evil? And if it's
> 78 percent evil, is that by weight or volume?
} Dear Sci-fi Jockey of fury:
} Evil. Well. Interesting. To tell the truth, I have never really
} considered the question of evil. Too bad I'm not a magic 8-ball. "The
} Answer eludes me. Ask later."
} Ahem. Well now. To answer your question, we must first look at the
} nature of evil itself. "What is evil?", is a question mortals have
} pondered for endless centuries. "I mean, is Ted Kennedy REALLY evil, or
} just a bit of a booze-hound??" "What about Elvis? Is a man who makes
} more money dead than alive evil, or just a bit silly in nature??"
} Well, child, ask no more. For evil DOES in fact exist in a pure form.
} It is manufactured by Hershey Inc., and comes in the form of a spray
} can bearing the insideous label "PURE EVIL IN A CAN". It comes in both
} 250 ml and 550 ml sizes, and has a handy applicator. It states that
} spreading evil around has never been easier, and more fun! In fact,
} this wise and benevolent Oracle saw an infomercial just the other day.
} You get PURE EVIL IN A CAN for only $29.95! And for only $10.00 more,
} you get a second can! WHAT VALUE!!
} Evil, however, must be sold by weight, not volume. Due to an F.D.A
} ruling just last year, it is unlawful for evil to be marketed in any
} other way. Some neo-nazis were apparently having a hoe-down (or
} whatever it is that neo-nazis partake in), and tried to pass 7.5 kg of
} evil off as 22 kgs, simply by inflating the evil somewhat. This is
} UNFAIR TRADE PRACTICES, and "Will not be tolerated" in the words of
} labour minister Dr. Harold Pickering. Remeber though, some settling may
} occur during shipping.
} Anyways, the guy from the movie, "Event horizon" was apparently a bit
} shaken after being chased aroung by large lizards, which is
} understandable. In many situations such as this, old cliches are
} utilized. Perhaps he should have looked before he leaped. Then again,
} you should never look a gift horse in the mouth.
} Well, I certainly hope that I have been of some assistance. For
} additional information send 6 pounds of backbacon to:
} The Salvation Army's "Creation of Evil" division;
} 4548 Damnation Dr. SE
} New York, NY
} This is a worthy charity dedicated to providing evil, free of charge,
} to children who might not otherwise have a chance to experience it.
} You owe the oracle some deep-fried battered evil and 2 tickets to see
} "Event horizon".