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Internet Oracularities #94

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Usenet Oracularities #94
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 7 Jan 90 18:30:16 GMT

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Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!


94-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I sing in the shower, and the notes wash down the drain, do they
> get caught in the drain trap?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  They disolve in water and wash down until they eventually reach the
} ocean, where they accumulate.  Residual notes are very quiet, and silent
} when not under stress.  However, over the centuries, the density of
} notes in ocean water has reached high levels, and the faint sounds can
} be heard using highly sophisticated instruments, called "seashells" to
} amplify the sound.  These instruments have been widely distributed along
} beaches in order for the curious public to hear the sound of the ocean.


94-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeYAH!  HWAH!  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYUH!
}
} The secret is the breathe deeply and think THROUGH the target, think
} BEYOND it.
}
} It is not, Grasshopper, what the woodchuck can carry:
}
} it is that it MUST.
}
} You owe the Oracle a few splints for my hand and an obscure aphorism.


94-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did Noriega give himself up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh...  Well...  Why don't we ask him?
}
} dialing...  1-317-214-1414 "White house, may I help you?"
}
} This is the Usenet Oracle, can you get me a line to Noriega?
}
} "Yes SIR!  Right away SIR...  I'll use the White House's special out
} line to connect you..."
}
} "Yeah what?"
}
} (Goddamn Penetentary guards...) This is the Usenet Oracle Speaking.  Put
} Noriega on.
}
} "YES SIR!"
}
} "Hey man!  Dees ees Noriega, man!  Have you decided to be my Lawyer?"
}
} No, I'm fielding a question that is probably big on a lot of American
} minds -- Why did you give your self up?
}
} "Well, man, it was two tings, man...  First it was all that top 40
}  music that the army kept blasting into the Mission, man.  Dees is
}  top 40 music:  'Beat it!  Beat it!' dees is Noriega's brain on
}  top 40 music:  'Psssssssssssfsfsssst!'
}
}  Also, that Sister Rose Tersia, man.  She was insane!  Whenever she
}  though I had bad posture, she'd whack me with a yardstick!  Of
}  course I gave myself up."
}
} Thank you.
}
} "No problem, man."
}
} Click.  Buzzz.
}
} There you have it.
}
} You owe the oracle your first born son.


94-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> May I have a loan?  About $5,000?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Gracious, I can't give loans to every mortal who asks, however, I can
} do something to help you out.  Since this has come up before, (every
} Autumn to be exact, right in line with tuition increases), we at the
} Oracle main office have instituted a new mortal-work-study program.
}
}  Duties include answering questions from mortals involving, sexual:
} (hands on experience of Lisa required), meaning of life:  (How many
} angels can dance on the head of a pin.  They prefer the atmosphere of a
} good leatherbar, actually), directional guidance:  (Who should I marry.
} What shirt should I wear today.  Honestly, some people have way too much
} free time), and a general category we call stupid oracle tricks:  (What
} am I thinking.  Find out what they're doing with their hands, it's a
} dead give away.  Why do you make so many spelling/grammar mistakes.
} Huh, now you know).
}
}  So that's it.  You get a paycheck every other Friday.  You start at 15
} Quixels an hour with option to move to 25 Quixels based upon job
} evaluation and piece work.  Oh, a Quixel is about 0.26514 of one U.S.
} dollar.  Hmmmmm, let's see, there's a phone number of the Oracle golf
} and Raquetball club.  You shouldn't need it, that's why we give you guys
} a database.  Oh, and most important, unnecessary calls to the Elder
} Gods, or to Hell are strictly forbidden.  If you have a problem see the
} shift supervisor and for goodness sake use the MCI card, those calls are
} expensive.
}
}  Well, that's it.  Pick up an iridescent robe at the front desk.  I see
} you already have sandals, (cough).
}
}  You owe the Oracle an eagle on the back nine.


94-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sometimes I hear my forefathers singing in the upper octaves of my
> genetic memory, but they're all out of key.  I try to tell them, really
> I do, but I keep getting arrested in restaurants for shouting and
> pounding on the table.  My wife thinks I need to drink more, but she
> just wants power of attorney.  I can't even get their attention!  (My
> forefathers', that is.) When I call my Dad on the phone, there's just
> this insipid answering machine message.  I get so angry and twisted, all
> I can do is sob into the receiver.  Then I watch "Who's the Boss" -- it
> helps me relax.  Okay, okay, so here's my question.  Can I administer my
> own electro-convulsive therapy if I just hop in the bathtub with my 120V
> clock radio?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Before I address your question directly, I'd like to discuss this
} problem of your forefathers singing off key.  It would suggest, since
} they are singing in a higher key than they should, that you are moving
} toward them at a high velocity, thus Doppler-shifting their voices in
} odd ways.  This would seem to indicate a self- destructive tendency in
} yourself, rapidly moving to meet them.  I would avoid this course by
} building some sort of apparatus (utilizing genetic-sub-etha
} communications systems) to speak with them and tell them to bugger off
} before solving any more serious problems.
}
} Then, after the next plot complication, hang a left.  There, you will
} find the solution to your wife-problem, a gun.  You'll figure it out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tuning fork and 820ml of raw human plasma.


94-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When the waves of mighty oceans
}       Cross the desert without sound,
}
} When skies release a million golden
}       feathers to the ground,
}
} When water bison rise from lakes and
}       rent a satin tux,
}
} When snowballs rule in hell, my son,
}       you'll have your million bucks.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle one petameter (iambic, please).


94-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I know when I've found true love.  I think I do but I have to be
> sure before I make a fool out of myself.  (I would hate to make a fool
> out of myself for love that wasn't real.)
>
> Signed, a happy man who wants to bring happiness to another.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Litmus paper or other pH tests.  Love has a pH of 4 or below.


94-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The girl who lives next door to me is convinced that all of her stuffed
> animals are alive, they talk to her, and they all have their own
> personalities and voices.  In fact, they are all related somehow.  Is
> she all right?  Can she be cured?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No she is not alright.  It's only the hedgehog and the third tiger from
} the left that can talk.  The hedgehog is, in fact, a very good
} ventriloquist.
}
} Clearly the young lady in question, can be cured.  Vigourously rub salt
} into her flesh and suspend her upside down for a week or two in a cool
} dry place.


94-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is Pokey orange, and Gumby green?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, I haven't been asked an interesting question such as this one in a
} long while.  Thanks go out to you from the Oracle, you obsequious
} smidgeon of blowfish shit.
}
} THEY ARE FAKE!  Gumby and Pokey were NOT real!  What the hell does it
} even matter what colour they were?  Get a grip.
}
} In payment, you must submit yourself for psychiatric evaluation, and
} drink nineteen pints of motor oil.  You must then construct a large
} high-rise apartment building, 412 cubits by 103 cubits by 1298 cubits.
} Then, place yourself in the centre of the nearest major roadway, and run
} at 67 furlongs per fortnight for a period of 11 days.  Turn right, and
} strike the nearest person with a fish or large bird.  Jump on the spot
} and flap your arms, while making chicken noises.  You are then required
} to sing "The Ballad of the Eggplant Invasion" (see Oracle back issues)
} three times backwards with full orchestrations and in five part
} harmonies.
}
} Rest for exactly 4 seconds.  Not 5, not 3, excepting that you then
} proceed to 4.
}
} Remove whatever you are wearing on your feet, and eat those items.  Give
} yourself a hickey on your right knee.  Another.  Another.  Another.
} Join the Alice's Restaurant Massacree Movement.  Become their leader,
} and claim the Hyatt Regency Hotel in Dearborn, Michigan in the name of
} Allah.  You may not use firearms.  You may use VW Microbuses, and one
} half-ton of garbage.
}
} Inhale.  Enjoy this air, because you must now stop breathing until the
} end of this list of tasks is reached.  The colours your skin will become
} reveal your personality and the content of your blood, but that's
} another story.
}
} Now, on with the fun part.  Obtain a meat thermometer using any means
} you select.  Place it in your ear, and push until it will go no further.
} Turn your body until you are facing the nearest immobile, solid object.
} Run.  Faster.  Faster.  Faster.  Run until you have impacted.  Remove
} and eat the meat thermometer.  Strike your head upon the solid object
} until Marlon Brando appears in front of you and says "green eggs and
} ham" or something to that effect.  He will polymorph into Dan Quayle.
} He will begin to babble pointlessly, and to no end.  Shut him up by
} offering him a borscht-flavoured ice-cream cone, telling him it's at a
} store down the street.  You will witness near-light-speed travel in his
} reaction, as he heads for the store.
}
} Get on a bus to the Bronx.  Get out, and start asking people on the
} street where you might find Mr.  Kotter.  This will get you various
} strange looks.  Mimic all of them back at the passersby.
}
} Go back to your hometown.  Install a subway system, running from your
} backyard to the nearest swimming pool.  Declare loudly that 2+2=5, and
} that nobody can tell you different.  Coin the phrase "Pretty as an
} airport", and force it into general use by your peers, who are no longer
} your peers, since they are now thoroughly convinced that you have been
} messing around with your home lobotomy kit again.
}
} Buy a chemistry set.  Invent a new substance which can be used as
} shampoo, salad dressing, motor oil, rocket fuel, soft drink, laxative,
} paperweight, floppy disk, photographic film, writing ink, or
} prophylactic.  Eat it.  Rub it all over yourself.
}
} Run to a toy store.  Name each and every Care Bear.  Failure to do so
} will result in you having to lick the floors clean.  Assign a
} personality to each stuffed item in the store.  Initiate a debate among
} them about polydimensional calculus, in which you prove that Einstein
} was a homosexual.
}
} Pick up a phone.  Dial 911, and tell the operator that there is some
} half-naked lunatic coated in some weird ooze with foot odour on his
} breath debating higher mathematics among the stuffed toys, and he's
} scaring off the customers.  Tell her that even though there is now
} general panic, there is also a nice, sparkling floor.  Tell her to send
} the psychiatric people over immediately.
}
} When the men in white arrive, do not resist, but greet them with a weird
} salute and tell hem you are Zarton from Saturn.
}
} Have a pleasant stay at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, home for the
} flamboyantly insane.  And don't ever bother me again.
}
} The Oracle has spoken.  So there.


94-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I always get the shit programming jobs, huh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Programming shit is very very important, sir!  Immense amounts of shit
} are produced in this country, with only very small and virtually useless
} programming.  For some reason, IBM (International Bowel Movement)
} includes only "ISH401H" and "ISH402H" (colloquially called "SIT THERE"
} and "STINK") as bundled software.  (Advanced users may get a BASIC
} interpreter, but let's not worry about that.)
}
} You are in a priveleged position!  You, like almost nobody else, are
} permitted to program this large supply of processing power.  Admittedly,
} each individual unit has almost no processing power, but you must thing
} Networking!  Think Parallelism!  Think Distributed Computation!  There
} is so much shit in the world that the total processing power at your
} disposal is simply staggering!
}
} You owe the oracle ten CPU-hours (Crap Processing Units).


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