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Internet Oracularities #940

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940, 940-01, 940-02, 940-03, 940-04, 940-05, 940-06, 940-07, 940-08, 940-09, 940-10


Internet Oracularities #940    (91 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 1997 00:10:35 -0500 (EST)

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   940
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

940   91 votes 5eBkf kzff6 dung9 ciyk7 0awpo bmpo9 9lDk2 alnv6 7fyhi beose
940   3.0 mean  3.3   2.5   2.8   2.9   3.7   3.0   2.8   3.0   3.3   3.2


940-01    (5eBkf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, I trust you.  You are a kind and sagacious omniscient being,
> as well as a swell all-around guy.  A model of decency for the
> children, yet virile enough to satisfy the pulpiest of males.  So I
> know that you will kindly deign to answer my humble query.
>
> Recently, I went to a performance of Tschaikovsky's _Caise-Nosette_
> (or something like that. . .it's _The Nutcracker_ in English).  The
> ballet proceeded beautifully, as always, until we got to the series
> of ethnic dances always included in the Nutcracker Suite when the
> ballet is presented orchestrally.  You know, the Chinese Dance, and
> the Arab Dance, and the Russian Dance (Trepak), and so forth.
> Anyway, instead of being the aforementioned dances like I expected
> them to be, it was entirely different.
>
> First came the "Waltz of the Heavily Sedated Squid."  There was all
> sorts of bizarre, minimalistic music, and sure enough about 3 dozen
> squid drowsily plodded about the stage, before a (human) knight rode
> on a pure-white charger squid onto the stage, shouted something in
> French, and beat all the other squid to death with his lance.  Then
> there was the "Brussels Sprout Watusi."  All the members of the
> orchestra, except the bassoonists (who sat there sullenly and played
> Vivace molto scales in A minor), started hurling thousands upon
> thousands of rotten old Brussels Sprouts at the audience.  Meanwhile,
> the ballerinas and ballerinos all came back and did weird 60's dances
> in time with the bassoonists' scales.  When that finally concluded,
> the "Drunken Ditchdiggers' Disco" ensued.  (I'll leave the
> description of that to your imagination.)
>
> Then, suddenly, we were back to the Dance of the Reed Flutes, as
> though nothing had happened.  I looked through the program notes, but
> it didn't mention the relevant dances at all--either the missing ones
> or the inserted ones.
>
> So, were these dances really written by Tschaikovsky?  Has there been
> some giant coverup all these years to make us think that Tschaikovsky
> was just a composer of trifling if beautiful miniatures, when he was
> actually a radical avant-gardiste?
>
> Please condescend to answer the questions of even this miserable
> slimy worm of a supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, most uninformed wormy supplicant, you must get your composers
} straight.
}
} Piotr Ilyitch Tchaikovsky 1840-1893 was indeed the writer
} of The Nutcraker, but Peter-Ill-Itch Tschaikovsky 1940-1993 was a
} completely different sort of musician.
}
} Both had similar origins, but whereas Tchaikovsky had a mining
} official in Tsarist Russia for a father, Tschaikovsky's father was
} an official in the agricultural inspections directorate of the USSR.
} Thus the rotten Brussel Sprouts and the squid.
}
} His torrid affair and subsequent parting with Yorrik Milkykoma, an
} alcoholic canal worker was the inspiration for that last movement.
}
} His other works, Swine Lake (don't go there), Sleeping Booty  and
} his Symphony #69 (Pathetic), were manifestations of his admittedly
} odd desires.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lock of hair from a drunken ditchdigger.


940-02    (kzff6 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle who lives in Delphi and programs Delphi, and
> eats Delphi,
>
> The master browser has received a server announcement from the computer
> LEIF that believes that it is the master browser for the domain on
> transport NwlnkNb. The master browser is stopping or an election is
> being forced.
>
> What's this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lunch time.


940-03    (dung9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, who is the rtle model for all reservoirs of knowledge
> throughout Known Space, and whose perfect benefactions makes as nothing
> of any act a human mind could ever concieve of, can you help me with
> the following problem:
>
> Will Larry Nivens new works, having seen a decline in quality in the
> last years, eventually rise to match the splendor and power of his
> earlier makings, or should I save my money for some other author?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, Mr. Niven's work will continue to deteriorate, until it
} resembles this:
}       Ring around the planet
}       Dressing up like Janet
}       Weightless, weightless
}       We all fall down.
} Frightening, isn't it?


940-04    (ciyk7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wise, and musically inclined Oracle, please answer this
> unworthy supplicant's feeble question...
> What is the name of the classical piece in the DeBeer's
> diamond commercial?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the third movement of Wagner's Die Drunkenfratenboyens,
} from the opera Die Tricksentogettenagirlenintoenbeden.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shipment of 5,000 6-carat cubic zirconias.


940-05    (0awpo dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey buddy, can you spare a minus sign?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} negative.


940-06    (bmpo9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I M 31it3. T3ll |\/|3 wh3r3 1 (A|\|  F1n|) +]-[E Be5t w@r3Z s8e 0|\|
> +Ie |\|E+, 0r 1 \/\/i\\ bl0w up Ur c0|\/||>U+3R.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} \/p ^/0UrZ


940-07    (9lDk2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  [addresses altered to protect the guilty --D.S.]
>
>                            !%$%!+*...*+!%$%!
>                            !   ,d88888b.   !
>                            ! ,d88p888q88b. !
> .-*+!%$%!+*-o0o-*+!%$%!+*-.!,88p' 888 `q88.!-.-*+!%$%!+*-o0o-*+!%$%!+*-.
> !   xxxxxxxx xx xxxxx      !d8p' ,d8b.  q8b! E-MAIL: xxxxx@xxxxxxx.com !
> !   b computer science     !88' ,d888b. `88! xxxxxx@xxx.xxx.xxx.edu.ph !
> !   u.p. diliman, q.c.,    !88.,dp888qb.,88! URL:                      !
> !   philippines            !q8bdp'888`qbd8p! www.xxxxxxx.com/home/xxxxx!
> .-*+!%$%!+*-o0o-*+!%$%!+*-.!`88p. 888 ,q88'!-.-*+!%$%!+*-o0o-*+!%$%!+*-.
>                            ! `q88b888d88p' !
>                            !   `q88888p'   !
>                            !%$%!+*"""*+!%$%!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's an airplane...no, wait, a Mercedes...or maybe Spiderman's head
} nailed on a cross?  A castle with walls and a tower?  A big giant
} robot? A satellite?  An overhead view of a road with two knocked-over
} billboards? A ticket to a rock concert lying on top of a capped pen?  A
} two-handled hammmer?  A tower with a rotating observation deck that
} fell over in the wind?  A wheel in the middle of an axle?  The front
} view of a crossbow? A hockey mask mounted on a piece of wood?  The top
} view of a secret decoder ring?  A cigar band?  A band-aid with a really
} puffy center part?  A nut on a bolt lying on its side?
}
} You owe the Oracle some clouds...real ones, not ASCII.


940-08    (alnv6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh sublime oracle, kindly heed this lowest of all scum your worthy
> attention:
>
> Why is Ronald Reagan's nose hair so long?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He didn't read the instructions on the Hair Club for Men box.


940-09    (7fyhi dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Orrie,
>
> Last night I had a strange dream.  I saw the world from the tip of
> Uranus, and ant-like people swarming around on the surface.  When I got
> closer, I felt afraid.  They were eating away at my reason, destroying
> my thoughts and mangling my mind.  When I woke up, I still had an
> uneasy feeling that thing were not quite right.  Outside my window an
> army of ants had devoured my lollipop, and left only the wrapping.
> Could the dream have been a foreboding if this disastrous event, or
> does it hint at something more sinister?
>
> Please sent your lightning,
> Globbbb.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, dreams have traditionally been considered to have an Oracular
} connection, so I suppose I can give an interpretation a try.
}
} Firstly, I'm ignoring the rather obviously Freudian references to
} that Outer Planet and the licking of lollipops - these are quite
} clearly your own problems to work out - take some cold showers for
} starters.
}
} No, it's these ants that worry me; eating the lollipop on your
} windowsill is one thing, but from your lucid description they
} also appear to have carried off the stick.
}
} What does a nest of ants want with a lolly-stick?  I'm not in the
} mood for a "101-uses-for" breakdown right now, but I can think of
} some disturbing possibilities.  It all depends on whether it was
} one of those flat sticks or a round one.
}
} If it was a flat stick, did it have a joke printed on it?  If our
} little friends are developing a sense of humour I might be in
} danger of competition from "rec.humor.ant" and the spawning of
} endless spam groups with antish names like "rec.humor.ant.eater"
} and "rec.humor.ants.in.your.pants"  Be on the lookout for domain
} names that end in ".nest".
}
} A flat stick could also be teaching them anything from basic
} bridge-building to powered flight (if they've got hold of at
} least one more plus an elastic band)
}
} If they've rolled a round stick away, then they'll be learning
} about the wheel.  Look out for ant-hills coasting down main
} street, with the occupants throwing very small beer cans and
} flashing the rear end of their exoskeletons at passers-by.
}
} Or they may be learning pole-vaulting.  Visit your local sports
} outfitters and ask about recent sales of size 0.0005 trainers.
}
} But the real meaning of your dream is that you Globbbb, You have
} Been Chosen!  The Gods have selected you as our Watchman to Await
} and Proclaim to the nations the forthcoming Time of the Ant.
}
} So be vigilant!  Keep alert!  If you start seeing ant-based
} newsgroups, very small aircraft with little leggy pilots,
} speeding ant-hills, or if you spot tiny athletes on minority
} sports channels, then It Is Time!  Dash out into the street
} shouting "The Ants! The Ants! The Ants are taking over!"
}
} Keep running until you find someone who is shouting the same thing
} (no more than a half-block in any large city).  Join forces.  Print
} up some leaflets together and hand them out at bus stations.  Write
} the message on walls.  Tell everyone in the nearest convenience
} store about it.  Tell them again and show them a can of beans that
} the Ants have contaminated with radioactive ant-eggs.  Grow a beard
} and keep brushing it out to get rid of the Invisible Ants.  Stick
} with the name Globbbb.
}
} You are our only hope!
}
} Oh, and by the way, I'll happily scent my lightning - you owe the
} Oracle a slot-in cartridge of Chanel No 5 for the Wand of Zot.


940-10    (beose dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle who art mighty and awsome.
>
> Please explain

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Such a small amount of grovelling for such an enormous question?
} Oh, very well, just this once -
}
} The Explanation you have no doubt been taught is thus -
}
} "In the beginning, there was the Word."
}
} This is not true. Before the Word, there was the Intake of Breath,
} and before that there was the Clearing Of The Throat.  This was
} shortly followed by the Cough, then The Slightly Bigger Cough, then
} The Enormous Great Heaving Chest Rattle and The Expulsion Of Phlegm.
} Each of the globules of Phlegm congealed, settled down to a stable
} spinning state, and became known as Galaxies. This was the way things
} remained for several thousand million years. Now, as anyone knows,
} leave a globule of Phlegm for too long, and it starts to grow mouldy.
} This is indeed what happened with the Great Gobbets of Primordial
} Phlegm - they began to grow things. Primitive things at first,
} like mould. However, these things were left uninterrupted for
} many millions of years, and began to change. Evolution was slow,
} and though the outward appearance of these beings eventually became
} almost indistinguishable from humans, remnants of their furry past
} can still be seen (hairy palms, etc.)  The brain is yet to evolve
} into an intelligence comparable even to a lower invertebrate - say,
} a jellyfish.
}
} Now, as time passed, the Great Gobbets of Primordial Phlegm began to
} collapse under their own gravity and stickiness. As they contracted,
} their rate of spin increased, like an ice skater pulling in their
} arms, until the Things were thrown off at great velocity. They hurtled
} through space at incredible speeds, before colliding with the Earth
} about sixty five million years ago, wiping out the dinosaurs and
} eighty percent of the species alive at the time. Their evolution
} ended there, and they faced an agonising wait until other beings
} had evolved to the point of looking similar enough to accept them,
} during which time they carefully formulated the plan of consuming all
} available natural resources, destroying humankind, and using human
} technology to escape to another world. They now live in human society
} in small close-knit groups, under various pseudonyms - Republicans,
} Conservatives, Fundamentalists, Rugby players - and are currently on
} Phase IV of their plan.
}
} Good Luck - You'll need it.
}
} You owe the Oracle the head of Billy Graham


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