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Internet Oracularities #941

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941, 941-01, 941-02, 941-03, 941-04, 941-05, 941-06, 941-07, 941-08, 941-09, 941-10


Internet Oracularities #941    (98 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 1997 08:01:02 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   941
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

941   98 votes 8pxkc bwAf4 buyi5 5jtB8 6bhlH 47oIj 8fwqh 57nBq 6lqtg 5apvr
941   3.3 mean  3.0   2.7   2.8   3.2   3.9   3.7   3.3   3.7   3.3   3.7


941-01    (8pxkc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I humble myself before your greatness.  I pick a booger from my nose
> and stick it in my ear to honor you.  Please answer me this...
>
> When I grow up, I want to be a great, wise Oracle like you.  What can I
> start doing now to prepare myself for life as an Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop picking your nose.
}
} You owe the Oracle an industrial strength Q-tip.


941-02    (bwAf4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who can dawdle in the dark without attcacting
> grues, please tell me:
>
> I am standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded
> front door. There is a small mailbox here.
>
> What do I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Personally speaking I would dig a hole under the mailbox and enter
} the realm of Zork, here you will find a whole new meaning to text
} adventure games, or .........
}
} you could open the mail box and take out the letter from terrorists
} stating that the President has been kidnapped in his plane and you
} want your demands met..   What do you do now,
}
} 1)    Reseal the letter and post it again.
} 2)    Tell someone
} 3)    Keep the letter as a momento so when the President is dead you
}       can sell the letter for $500,000.


941-03    (buyi5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I have a choice to make here.  I can do boring
> paperwork for my job, or I can surf the net for nude pictures of
> movie stars.  Is this an obvious choice, or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you can:
}
} A) Lock your office door
} B) keep everyone else out of your office
} C) immediately stop what your doing when your boss arrives
}
} Then go ahead.
}
} If not, go ahead and surf.
} One can't let one's bosses see one actually doing work, can one...


941-04    (5jtB8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Orrie.
>
> It's been raining for 3 days. Will it ever stop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SEATTLE, WA--Bill Gates announced yesterday that the weather generator
} and it's software, Microsoft Sunshine 98tm, is nearing completion.
} "It's great," Bill told reporters this morning. "Soon we will be able
} to control weather patterns all over the world. Initially we faced many
} problems, getting people to associate sunshine with Micro$oft, and
} several territorial disputes and patent battles with Indra, Apollo,
} Poseidon, Aeolus, Helios, Ra, Mithras... you get the picture."
}
} Gates went on to say, "Many people think that controlling the weather
} patterns would be hard, but when you have hundreds of departments, you
} can sell a group of minions' souls to the Devil, and boom, you've got
} yourself some more power. Weather, money, whatever you want!" Bill
} Gates' autobiography explains in detail his early beginnings with the
} Devil, the sale of his mother, and Bill and Satan's ongoing deal.
}
} As mentioned before, the weather generation is _nearing_ completion.
} Until then, it will be rainy. Reporters spoke to Noah for information
} on just when and how this rain will stop. "The rain ought to continue,"
} he said grimly, "causing flooding and destruction, for just about 37
} more days and nights." He then stopped suddenly and got onboard a weird
} shaped boat with some donkeys. Whatever this means, the rain will
} continue.
}                               --Reuters.


941-05    (6bhlH dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Internet Supplicant has pondered your question deeply.
> Your question was:
>
> } Hey, Supplicant, have you forgotten how to grovel?
>
> And in response, thus spake the Supplicant:
>
> > Yes.  Could you show me how?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                     THE INTERNET SUPPLICANT
}
}                          also known as
}                      The Usenet Supplicant
}
} The Internet Supplicant is available to ask you irritating questions.
} You may mail them to:
}
}                     supplicant@cs.purdoo.edu
}
} The "Subject:" of the message must be something like "Supplicant Most
} Vacuous, please ask me ...".  Actually, all it has to have is "ask me"
} or "askme" somewhere in it.  Capitalization doesn't matter.  Spelling
} certainly doesn't matter, as many Supplicants can't tell the
} difference. The body of the mail can contain anything you want; the
} question you receive will be irrelevant to whatever you write.  You
} should receive a question within a few days, perhaps, possibly longer,
} or occasionally never, if the Supplicant forgets how to use mail.
}
} In the meantime, the Supplicant may require that you ask an irritating
} question for it as payment for its services.  You should randomly send
} the most unoriginal and uninteresting question you can think of to
} supplicant@cs.purdoo.edu, preserving the message's "Subject:" line.
} This process results in your message being forwarded to
} oracle@cs.indiana.edu. Most Supplicants are not concerned with what
} happens after that.
}
} Mailing the Supplicant with the word "help" in the "Subject:" line will
} get you a reply consisting of "No thanks, I'm fine."  If you mail the
} Supplicant with "tell me" or "tellme" somewhere in the subject, the
} Supplicant will not reply, but may forward a slightly garbled version
} of your question to oracle@cs.indiana.edu.  If you pay attention, you
} may receive a reply from there, or, not infrequently, a good sound
} zotting.
}
} Your questions, comments and even complaints about the Supplicant will
} be ignored.  Please address them to supplicant-people@cs.purdoo.edu.
}
}                           ETIQUETTE
}
} The Internet Supplicant is intended primarily as an annoyance device
} and is especially good at feeding Oracles.  Since its main purpose is
} to clog up mail systems and newsgroups, a large document containing
} rambling thoughts on etiquette will be spammed across the universe
} whenever this document is accessed.
}
}                  THE INTERNET SUPPLICANTARIES
}
} The Supplicant's priesthood receives a duplicate copy of all irritating
} questions asked, or Supplicantaries as they're called.  This is so that
} they can be distributed yet again around the world for no apparent
} reason. They are regularly published via postings to
} rec.humor.supplicant, the World-Wide Web and a mail distribution list,
} as well as occasionally via other media, such as toilet paper.
}
} Rec.humor.supplicant is a moderated newsgroup.  If your news system is
} properly configured, you are probably too intelligent to be interested.
} Rec.humor.supplicant.d is unmoderated and anyone may post to it.  And
} they usually do!
}
}                          HISTORY
}
} Throughout the history of mankind, there have been many Supplicants who
} have consulted many Oracles.  The great Hercules, in his not-so-great
} years, was actually a Supplicant of the Delphic Oracle, and survived
} zotting only by his legendary strength.  King Cepheus, the nut who
} chained his daughter Andromeda to the rocks of Joppa to appease an
} alleged sea monster, was also a Supplicant.  He misunderstood the
} Oracle of Ammon's wise advice, which was to send a chain letter to the
} sea monster, thus keeping it busy for ages.  Fortunately, Perseus saved
} the girl in the nick of time.
}
} With the advent of the electronic age, and especially high-speed e-mail
} communication, the spirit of the Supplicants found a new outhouse, and
} we now recognize another extremely productive and constantly annoying
} Supplicant, the Internet Supplicant.
}
} Local Supplicant programs have existed in various places for many
} years. Most can trace their origin to bored freshman computer science
} students typing "why?" into their terminals.  There is a long and
} completely pointless history of such programs, but no one has asked the
} correct question to figure out how to read it.
}
} Of course, it is the thousands of Supplicant participants over the
} years who have created the personality, if you can call it that, of the
} Internet Supplicant.  Long live the Internet Supplicant (in all its
} incarnations)!
}
} Steev Kinzler
} kinzler@cs.purdoo.edu


941-06    (47oIj dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, most masterful and all-knowing Oracle, whose advice I trust more
> that Dear Abby, please answer this most simple and humble
> supplicant's feeble question:
>
> FYI:  I do technical support for and ISP
>
> Why do people, whom know NOTHING about computers, go out and buy the
> most expensive computer they can find (You know the one that takes a
> Ph.D. from MIT), and expect to take it home, plug it in, and it will
> "magically" do everything they want without having to do anything
> themselves.  Why can't they understand what a "right-click" is, or
> what "double-click" is, or what speed the modem is, or what "brand"
> of computer they have, or - well, the list goes on and on and on.
>
> Is there a law that says stupid people can't own a computer?  Is
> there any legal recourse I can follow to have these people put up
> against a wall and shot?
>
> I'm going crazy!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *ring*
}
} Orrie: Welcome to Oracle tech. support, where the Oracle has all the
} answers, this is the Oracle himself, how can I help you?
}
} Customer: Yes, I just purchased "Internet in a box". How do I use it?
}
} Orrie: Well, do you have an ISP?
}
} Customer: A what? Hey, I just bought the internet. Isn't that enough?
}
} Orrie: Well, you didn't buy the internet..you just
}
} Customer: Listen. Are you stupid? I just bought Internet in a box. Hear
} me? Internet...in...a....box. That means the Internet is in the box.
}
} Orrie: Fine, you bought the internet. Do you have a computer?
}
} Customer: Do I need one? Perhaps I could sell this box...I hear the
} internet is worth quite a bit. Has anyone ever thought of the marketing
} possibilities?
}
} Orrie: Sir? I wish you luck on your investment. I suggest not using the
} internet, then. It tends to depreciate. Sell it while you can.
}
} Customer: Oooh, good idea. Thanks. *click*
}
} *ring*
}
} Orrie: Welcome to Oracle tech. support, where the Oracle has all the
} answers, this is the Oracle himself, how can I help you?
}
} Customer: Hey, how many woodchucks.....
}
} *ZOT*
}
} You owe the Oracle a 12X cup holder.


941-07    (8fwqh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       All-Knowing Oracle, I'm in kind of a dark mood, so please humor
> this humble supplicant (enlightenment or good advice would be nice, but
> I know better).
>       I got this creaky old 486/80 system about a year ago, with the
> intent of, at least in part, using it to find someone.
>       I should probably say that I'm male, straight, white, 28, never
> married, and have no children.  What I'm looking for in a woman is
> probably quite a bit different from what most men my age are looking
> for.
>  I don't care much about looks or weight.  Age doesn't greatly matter
> to me, as long as she's at least 21.  Race is a not an issue with me.
>       You may be wondering why I don't just look out the window; I
> don't do that because I'm looking for something very rare.  I'm not
> capable of feeling desire for a woman unless I perceive her to be an
> intellectual equal--and, while IQ tests are rather a blunt instrument,
> according to most tests, my own IQ is approximately 160.  I haven't met
> a woman whom I could accept as an intellectual equal in about five
> years now--and the last one was twice my age and an alcoholic.  This is
> neither boasting nor vainglory, just simple fact--there are few, damn
> few, human beings in this range; they're almost nonexistent, even in
> groups like Mensa.
>       So I tried a couple of the Internet alt.personals newsgroups; I
> found two extremely ditzy nineteen-year-old college girls, one fairly
> articulate woman in South Africa who stopped writing to me suddenly
> (from her descriptions of what was happening locally at the time, I
> wouldn't be surprised to learn that she's dead), and one very, very
> persistent gay man.
>       I tried IRC, and learned that IRC is full of high-school kids.
> If you go to channels oriented towards an audience of single adults,
> you will find that, on IRC, actual women are heavily outnumbered by gay
> men pretending to be women, and make up less than 5% of the IRC
> population in any event.  Computers, it would seem, are a guy thing,
> and most women, for whatever reason, don't like computers (maybe it's
> hormonal, testosterone and transistors maybe, I really don't know).  I
> _did_ manage to find one very articulate, very funny, very attractive
> woman; she lives on the opposite side of the planet, in Hong Kong.  Oh,
> and she's engaged to a man who lives in New York.
>       Then I tried a few different Internet newsgroups related to
> certain of my interests.  I found most of them to be utterly devoid of
> women and nearly devoid of worthwhile content; a few of them had a few
> regular female contributors, who were invariably either a) married or
> b) really, really screwed up, usually both at once.
>       Then, in something approaching desperation, I went to DejaNews
> and did searches of their databases based on words almost, but not
> quite, chosen at random, and got a few tentative leads, many months
> old.  I tried several addresses; my email invariably bounced.
>       Finally, in desperation, I tried several singles chat rooms and
> Web-based singles boards.  I found lots of high-school kids,
> uncountable hordes of bored married women, and one fairly articulate
> single woman who was on the far end of the continent and who quit
> writing back to me after two weeks.
>       So I'm close to wits' end with the whole thing; it is, perhaps,
> fortunate that my libido is not what it was ten years ago.  I'm looking
> for someone with whom to build a life, not a one-night stand; but I'm
> out of ideas, and any suggestions that you can offer will be
> appreciated.
>       Thank you very much.
>       And since I can't think of anything else to say, perhaps I should
> just

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant - you should learn to be a bit more focused and less
} verbose. Really. Wasting some time chatting and reading alt.*
} newsgroups - fine with me.
} But even most of the guys 'n gals on the 'net with two-digits IQ
} wouldn't spent a WHOLE YEAR searching for someone without even once
} thinking about using a search engine! I think that is (excusez le mot)
} pretty stupid.
}
} But hey, I'm not the worst of deities. For you, my self-declared
} genius, I
} - connected to Yahoo
} - typed 'woman with IQ >= 160'
} - clicked 'Search'.
}
} This gave me plenty of hits; as usual, some of them completely useless
} like http://www.gaycafe.com/nifty/transgender/Magic-ScFi/prisoners-of-ti
} resias(really) and some of them only sideways related to the problem at
} hand like http://www.loveadvice.com/COL_4496.HTM
} but then, there she was, with a shy, lovely smile:
} http://prfdec.natur.cuni.cz/~fikacek/husakova.htm
}
} To save you the trouble of actually launching Netscape on your 486,
} I'll give you an excerpt of this page (plain text; no pictures). It's
} in Czech, but that's not a problem, you'll master it in a few days,
} won't you?
}
} >>>>>
}                               Husakova Gabriela
}
}                                    [Image]
}
}    o Narozena: 29.4.1972 v Praze
}    o IQ / obvod hlavy: 160 / 56 cm
}    o Datum testovani : 25.4.1993
}    o Vyska / vaha : 175 cm / 55 kg
}    o Prsa / pas / boky:
}
}         Chcete-li Gabine poslat e-mail tuknete si sem.
}
}    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
}
}      Nasleduji clanky, ktere vysly o zminene dame v casopisech Mensy
} c.5 a 6 /1995 na stranach 20-21 resp. 22 :
}
}                                    Gabina
}
}      Kdysi davno (to mi bylo snad 18?) se mi libila jedna holka a ta se
} jmenovala Gabina. Vedel jsem jen, ve kterem dome bydlela. A tak jsem
} napsal dopis, vyrobil spoustu kopii, vlozil do obalek a na ne napsal
} Gabina. Ten dopis zacinal vysvetlenim, ze jestli se neoctne v tech
} spravnych rukou, prosim o jeho zniceni. Odpoved jsem tenkrat nedostal.
} <<<<<
}
} Don't you worry about the 'Datum testovani' part; that's when she
} graduated.
}
} You owe the Oracle the URLs of the 'two extremely ditzy
} nineteen-year-old college girls' home pages.  I'm not that picky about
} age.


941-08    (57nBq dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of fabulous minty-fresh breath!
>
> Is Darkmage Single?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. The plural is Darkmagi.
}
} You owe the Oracle a collection of O. Henry short stories.


941-09    (6lqtg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 10 REM *** QUESTION FOR THE INTERNET ORACLE ***
> 20 CLS
> 30 REM GROVEL
> 40 PRINT "Oh great Oracle, whose knowledge is far from basic,"
> 50 REM QUESTION
> 60 PRINT "Do you think I'm learning enough from my college's computer"
> 70 PRINT "courses";
> 80 INPUT ANSWER$

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dartmouth, right?


941-10    (5apvr dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I doing this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's right!  Its time for everybody's favorite game show... Why Am I
} Doing This?!  With your host... the Internet Oracle!
}
} Oracle:  Thank you, and welcome to Why Am I Doing This?!   The game
} show where the question on everybody's mind is: Why am I doing this?
} Welcome contestants.  Our first contestant is Karen!  Karen is a
} Quantum Biologist and world-class Banana Bread baker from West
} Virginia.  What does a Quantum Biologist do, Karen?
}
} Karen:  A Quantum Biologist studies living organisms as they interact
} with high concentrations of radiation, magnetism and all types of
} energy, such as "how does a woodchuck function in an atomic
} accelerator."
}
} Oracle:  And how does a woodch... a woo... a wood... one of those
} little, furry devils function in an atomic accelerator, Karen?"
}
} Karen:  Haha... They function extremely fast, Orrie.
}
} Oracle:  Haha... And our second contestant today is Bob!  Bob is a
} house husband from Texas, with two children.  Bob enjoys gardening,
} needlepoint and socio-anti-social philosophy.  Bob, what's it like
} being a house husband with two children?
}
} Bob:  Karen, how do children function in an atomic accelerator?
}
} Oracle:  Well, let's get started, shall we?  Now remember, the first
} player to "buzz in" with the correct answer to Why Am I Doing This?
} wins $1000 for a correct answer.  However, you lose $1000 for every
} incorrect answer.  Is everybody ready?  Then here we go... Scenario #1:
} I'm putting the jack under the car...
} I'm jacking up the car...
} I'm removing some lug nuts... [BEEP! BEEP!]
} Bob!  Why Am I Doing This?
}
} Bob:  Because you're changing a flat tire?
}
} Oracle:  That's correct!  Bob takes the lead with $1000.  But don't
} worry Karen, because here's the next scenario...
} I'm walking down an aisle... [BEEP! BEEP!]
} Bob!  Why Am I Doing This?
}
} Bob:  Because you're getting married?
}
} Oracle:  I'm sorry, Bob.  That's not correct.  But Karen can still get
} it.  Let's continue...
} I'm taking items from the shelf...
} I'm standing in a line... [BEEP! BEEP!]
} Karen, Why Am I Doing This?
}
} Karen:  Because you're shopping, Orrie.
}
} Oracle:  That's correct!  That takes Karen to $1000.  Bob, I'm afraid,
} back to $0.  And here's our next scenario:
} I'm digging a hole... [BEEP! BEEP!]
} Bob!  Why Am I Doing This?
}
} Bob:  Because you're planting a garden!
}
} Oracle:  That's correct!  Well, I guess that gardening paid off, huh?
} Okay, we're tied at $1000 apiece for our contestants.  This scenario
} will decide the winner... and here we go:
} I'm typing at a computer...
} I'm sending an email...
} I'm trying to gain wisdom...
} I DON'T know why I'm doing this...
} I'm writing to someone omniscient... [BEEP! BEEP!]
} Karen!  Why Am I Doing This?
}
} Karen:  Because you're trying to find out why you are doing this from
} the Internet Oracle?!
}
} Oracle:  That's correct! [ding!ding!ding!ding!ding!]  And Karen, you're
} our winner for today with $2000!  I wasn't sure if you were going to
} "pull that one off," but you did it.  What are you going to do with the
} money?
}
} Karen:  Oh!  Oh!  Oh, I'm not sure... Maybe I'll buy some bananas and
} bake some bread!
}
} Oracle:  With $2000 you can even buy a few extra bananas to test in the
} atomic accelerator!  Haha.  Bob, it was great to have you on the show.
} But you won't be leaving empty handed.  Just for being on our show
} you'll get a copy of my new book, "Why Am I Doing This?  Tales of an
} Omniscient Oracle."  Thanks for being with us.
}
} Bob:  Yeah, whatever...
}
} Oracle:  And to our Internet audience, thank YOU for being with us for
} another edition of... WHY AM I DOING THIS?  I'm your host, the Internet
} Oracle... I'm standing here, saying goodbye to everyone... hey!  Why Am
} I Doing This?!  Haha... See you next time!
}
} The Internet Oracle's wardrobe supplied by Warner Bros. Inc.
} Portions of this show not affecting the outcome have been edited.
} This program has been modified to fit your toaster.
} All contestants must pass strict eligibility requirements.
} If you would like tickets to be in the WHY AM I DOING THIS? studio
} audience, write to:
} WHY AM I DOING THIS? Tickets
} Omniscience Studios
} Infinity, Dimensions  88888
} All rights reserved under law.  Copyright (C) 1997  Oracle Productions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a guest spot on Jeopardy.


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