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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, You who could tie your shoelaces in less than two > seconds, please enlighten this humble supplicant who is not worthy > to grovel before you... > > Where exactly are Zadoc and Lisa right now, and what are > they doing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, I really should ZOT! you where you sit right now.  I assume } you're going by what some pathetic incarnate has used to illustrate his } response.  Believe me supplicant, it just don't work that way.  You } know...I wish incarnates couldn't invent strange storylines. } (HARP MUSIC) } POOF! An angel appears. } ORACLE: Who are you? } CLAIROL: I'm Clairol, your guardian angel. } ORACLE: Well, get out of here!  You have no right to invade the } Oracular quarters! } CLAIROL:  What Oracular quarters? } (The Oracle looks around and sees that his vast mansion has } disappeared.) ORACLE: What's going on? } CLAIROL: You wished that incarnates couldn't make up things. } Therefore, there was no incarnate to have made up a mansion for you. } ORACLE: Well where do I answer all of my pathetic questions? } (The scene changes to a small desk, at which another Internet Oracle is } seated.) } ORACLE:  Hey-you--er, me--hey Orrie butt! } CLAIROL: You can't hear you.  You don't exist in this timeline, because } there was no incarnate to make you the way you are. } OTHER ORACLE:  Hmmm...I think I'll check my } mail..doodeedoodeedooooooo...... } GET MAIL } Question #1 } > } > } ORACLE:  A null question!  Get him! } OTHER ORACLE: Dear sir, I am afraid that in your hurry to have your } questions answered, you forgot to include it, silly!  Please write } back, question included, so I can do my best to serve you.  Your } friend, Orrie. } ORACLE: WHAT?!?!?!?! } CLAIROL: Well, there were no incarnates to develop your personality. } Your attitude.  Your evil ways. } QUESTION #2 } >How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck >could chuck } >wood? } ORACLE:  AAAAGH!  Get him!  ZOT HIS BRAINS OUT! } OTHER ORACLE: Why, as much wood as a woodchuck could, silly!  I like } woodchucks.  So waaaarm and fuuuuzzy! } ORACLE: (hyperventilating)  AGH!  No...supplicants... to.. } create...my....hatred...of...."GASP".....woodchucks!  That's it, I'm } gonna ZOT this guy into oblivion- } ZzzZzzZzzzzzz-ppphhht! } wha happened? } CLAIROL: The "zot" hasn't been created! } ORACLE:  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  ZADOOOOC! } CLAIROL: nope. } ORACLE: So that means there's no...... } CLAIROL: nope. } ORACLE: LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISA! } Clairol: Nope, and no Delphi, no Dark and Sinister Minds, no Salad Fork } man, and you... } ORACLE: no... } CLAIROL:  You promote Windows95. } ORACLE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! } (The Oracle looks around and sees that all is back to normal.) } "Whew!" I sure am glad for stupid incarnates. } LISA!  I'm back?  Lisa?  Lisa!!! } (Oracle picks up a note) } Dear Orrie, } I have run away with Zadoc. } Lisa. } } You owe the Oracle a way to make it so he had never said he liked "It's } a Wonderful Life".

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I must warn you of the most fiendish, insidious plot ever conceived. It > is already underway and cannot be stopped. An unholy alliance of the > two most evil forces in the world has made complete subjugation of the > human race and destruction of anything resembling civilization > inevitable. > > Tickle-Me-Elmo was only the advance scout. > > Microsoft is already the world's most powerful software company, but > that's not good enough for Gates and his minions. Their latest product, > all purple and fuzzy, is sitting on my desk leering at me as I, > quivering in terror, write this. It's a 16-inch clone of everyone's > favorite TV buddy, Barney the purple dinosaur. > > We are all doomed! There is no escape! > > Barney has a vocabulary of thousands of words and a repertoire of > dozens of songs and games. Its head and arms move as it talks and > sings. It interacts with CD-ROM games on a PC or videotapes on a TV. > When you squeeze Barney's hand, it offers to play a game, like > "pretending" to eat lunch (while actually chewing up your intellect). > Squeeze its feet and it cycles through its songs, including not only > Barney's trademark treacly tunes, but standards like "The Wheels on the > Bus." If you cover its eyes, Barney says something like "It sure is > dark!" or "Where did you go?" and then responds with "Peekaboo!" or > "Oh, there you are!" when you uncover them. Barney speaks in > exclamation points a lot. > > The paranoids were right: Barney's squishy head contains a radio > transmitter and receiver, which allows it to communicate with computers > and TVs. And, yes, once you allow Barney access to your computer, you > will realize that we were right all along: he is a virus. Barney > installs Internet Explorer, whether you want it or not. > > It's ... it's moving again! It's waddling toward me! It's loggin^&)DDL > >      LET'S SING A SONG!!! > >      I love you... >      You love me....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're right. There is no time to lose! } Too bad for Uncle "Laughing Boy" Bill Gates and his Evil } Plan, but all that CD/TV/Computer compatibility will } prove to be their downfall. } } Here's what you can do: } } 1) Snag a videocamera and flee to the nearest university }       computer lab. } } 2) Give the Sysop this code: ELNEYOOM. }       S/He will know what to do and will start booting up }       terminals left and right. } } 3) Baracade yourself and the Sysop in the lab. Soon you will }       hear the soft padding footsteps and happy little }       voices raised in song and giggling as the purple and }       red menaces draw ever nearere to the lab. } } 4) PANIC. }       I know. }       This sounds like a bad time to lose your head, but }       the noise of you screaming in terror will draw them }       like a magnet right to you. Look, have I steered }       you wrong yet? Trust me! } } 5) Wait for the furry-cute bastards to break down the door, }       then grab them, and put them into the chairs before }       the computer terminals, and cue the Sysop to hit }       BEGIN on the master terminal. } } 6) Relax. They'll be playing Net-Duke Nukem against each }       other for a loooong time. This game can change any }       mild-mannered Nettizen into a fanatical trigger }       happy game-addict. Especially terrible is the fact }       that since the system is on Win'95, it will keep }       the game hamstrung and hard to load. } }       Start the videotape about the 4th time it crashes. }       Having a tape of Barney and Elmo throwing tantrums }       and cursing should be worth it's weight in gold, }       and will guarantee you will not be bothered again. } } You owe the Oracle an extra Med Kit, 10 pipe bombs, and } a conveyer belt ride.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who can undrum all conundrums, I have a few > questions which are related to each other. > > 1.  What exactly does a pieman do? > > 2.  Why was this one dealing in warez? > > 3.  Why did he insist on seeing Simple Simon's money before he'd even >     show him what he'd got?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's look at your questions one at a time, shall we? } } 1.  What exactly does a pieman do? } } He throws pies at innocent people like this: } }            (pies)         {] } \o/   {] {] {] {] {] {]  0/ }  H                      /H  (pieman) } / \ (innocent person)   / \ } } 2.  Why was this one dealing in warez? } } Easy.  He was an AOL user. } } 3.  Why did he insist on seeing Simple Simon's money before he'd even } show him what he'd got? } } If you owned an XXX theater, would you let people see the movie before } you make them buy their tickets? I don't think so. } } You owe the Oracle lemon meringue, 500 credit card numbers, and tickets } to "No Man's Land."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, please tell > this grovelling supplicant: > > What was the "constant" that Einstein added > to his theory of General Relativity, only > to find out later the theory more correct > without it. What did he call it? > > I'm drafting a theory of my own and > wouldn't like to do the same mistake.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well you really don't want to know what Einstein called it, since he } was in fact merely repeating somebody else's mistake.  Better that you } should know what the constant was *originally* called. } } It all goes back to the latter half of the nineteenth century, when } many great discoveries were being made about the nature of heat and } energy.  One well known figure of the time was William Thomson, who } among other things made the discovery that food contains heat } (calories), which is transfered to the human body during the process of } digestion. } } Thomson spent a great deal of his time determining exactly how many } calories there are in various types of food, a practice which continues } to this day in some circles.  However, he had a particular personal } problem, which unfortunately influenced his results. } } William Thomson was addicted to chocolate, in all its forms. } } And so, when he saw the huge number of calories which his experiments } showed were present in chocolate products, Thomson simply couldn't } believe it.  It didn't agree with his theories at all.  On the other } hand, he couldn't find any flaw in his experiments, so the only } recourse open to him was a modification of his original theories.  This } modification took the form of the addition of a single constant to one } of Thomson's equations. In light of the type of chocolate-bearing food } first tested by Thomson, this constant has become known as the fudge } factor. } } You owe the Oracle a plate of brownies.  Make sure you've baked all the } calories out of them.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> :o)   :oO   :k=)   :@

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Don't do that or your keyboard will get stuck that way.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, witty and wonderful (and any other good "w" words > that I missed), please tell me... > > When I sent you the previous question, I got back an e-mail message > telling me that you were pondering my question. That's good, that's > good. The problem is that the message also said to expect an answer in > a day or two. That's not so good. > > You see, since I sent that other question, things have gotten worse. > The orang utan's contractions are coming closer together and she's > looking really annoyed. Also, the fire has moved up to the second floor > and the guy with the shotgun is still outside the only fire exit from > this part of the building. > > Any suggestions? Like, *fast* suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for calling the Internet Oracle Help Line.  Please enter your } Supplicant Registration Number, followed by the pound sign now.  If you } do not have a Supplicant Registration Number, please press star now to } go to the Registration menu. } } [beep] } } You have reached the Supplicant Registration menu.  Please enter your } area code and phone number, followed by the pound sign now. } } [beep boop beep beep boop boop beep brrp boop beep brrp] } } Thank you.  Please enter your e-mail address now, followed by the pound } sign.  Use the numbers on your phone dial to represent the } corresponding letters; the omniscient Oracle will figure out which } letter you mean for each.  Use the star key for the "at" sign, zero for } periods, and one for any other punctuation. } } [beep brrp boop boop brrp boop boop beep blat brrp boop blat beep brrp } boop beep blat boop boop beep brrp] } } Thank you. Your Supplicant Registration number is 2557.  Please make a } note of it.  Press the pound sign now to return to the previous menu. } } [brrp] } } Thank you for calling the Internet Oracle Help Line.  Please enter your } Supplicant Registration Number, followed by the pound sign now.  If you } do not have a Supplicant Registration Number, please press star now to } go to the Registration menu. } } [beep boop boop beep brrp] } } You have reached the Main Menu.  You may enter your choice at this } time, or listen to the following list of choices and select the one you } wish. You may return to this menu at any time by pressing zero.  For } advice on your love life, press one now.  For non-internet related } computer advice, press two now.  For internet related computer advice, } press three now. For academic advice, press four now.  For career } advice, press five now. For the plots of upcoming television shows or } movies, press six now.  For random and irrelevant throw-away questions, } press seven now.  For other options, press the pound key. } } [brrp] } } Other options.  For a copy of the Oracle's pamphlet, "How to Win at } Blackjack," press one now.  If your question involves fire, press two } now. If your quest-- } } [beep] } } If you want to know how to set something on fire, press one now.  If a } loved one or pet is currently on fire, press two now.  If you yourself } are on fire or threatened by fire, press three now.  If you-- } } [boop] } } If you are currently on fire, press one now.  If you are threatened by } fire, but have a ready means of escape, press two now.  If you are } threatened by fire with no ready means of escape, or your escape path } is blocked-- } } <PLEASE DEPOSIT ADDITIONAL COINS TO CONTINUE THIS CALL.  IF YOU DO NOT } DEPOSIT ADDITIONAL COINS WITHIN THE NEXT FIFTEEN SECONDS, YOUR CALL } WILL BE TERMINATED.> } } <BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, most fantastic, please tell me... > > Why are the lines at the banks so long?  The people up front aren't > doing anything.  They're just standing there.  What I mean is: would it > be all right if I just WHIPPED OUT AN UZI AND SPRAYED THE ROOM, or do > you think that would be rude?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the days when only the rich had need for a bank, the lines were } quite small. Service was quick and the clerks most helpful.  Now the } masses have grown to an unmanageable size and the banks have decided to } help Darwinian Evolution. } } It is a double pronged approach. } } The clerks work slower than ever in order to let the lines grow. When } the line grows to a predetermined size, half of the clerks take off for } lunch. The remaining clerks will then proceed with one of two actions: } Slow down even further, or claim their computer-terminal is off-line. } } Sometime after that, it is well documented that someone will, indeed, } pull out an uzi and spray the room. Those smart enough to know this } will happen will have already left. Those less smart but still smarter } than sheep will manage to duck for cover the second the Uzi-Wielder } theatrically opens his over-coat to retrieve said weapon. } } Those unfortunate enough to get hit will die, thinning the population } and saving the gene-pool from their less-than-desirable genes. } } The bank tellers are of course, protected by bullet-proof glass. } } The second prong of this is that the Uzi-Wielder will be put to death } as soon as they are caught, convicted, sentenced  and waste millions of } dollars on their Court Appeals. This saves the gene-pool from } overly-aggressive and impatient genes. } } So, impatient Supplicant, you have Three Choices: }    Wait as long as you can tolerate it and hope the clerks get to you } before someone draws their Uzi. }    Wait as long as you can tolerate it and make sure you draw your Uzi } first. }    Bank by Modem. } } You owe the Oracle a 1st Edition copy of "Origin of the Species".

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This afternoon I'm planning to go and watch the movie 'Volcano'. Will > it be any good? > > BTW, when will there be a movie made about you, Great Oracle? I imagine > it would be a great movie. (Could I have 25% of the income, seeing it > was my idea?) I'm sure old Steven S. would make you look good.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I, the Great and Powerful Oracle will personally guarantee that } 'Volcano' will be a blast, a lava fun, a conical magmapiece. } } As far as "The Internet Oracle:  The Motion Picture" is concerned, we } are currently finalizing the casting.  The Oracle will be performed by } Frank Oz:  "You seek the Oracle!  Take you to him I will!  Ignore that } man behind the Usenet you must!".  Uma Thurman will play the sultry } Lisa and Jim Carrey's zany antics will bring Zadoc the High Priest to } life. } } Many Hollywood greats will be performing cameos as the various and } sundry Supplicants:  Mel Brooks, Diane Keaton, Sean Connery, Val } Kilmer, Glenn Close, Jackie Chan, Sylvester Stallone, Alicia } Silverstone, Harvey Korman, Nikki Cox, Tim Conway, Cloris Leachman, } Marlon Brando, Jane Curtain, Rick Moranis, and Jenny McCarthy to name } just a few.  Also, Bill Murray and Puxatawney Phil will make a special, } recursive, appearance for the woodchuck question as it gets asked over } and over again. } } With regard to your request for 25% of the income:  you should be aware } that normally an agent gets 10%.  But then, real agents know how to } grovel and debase themselves for their clients, so how about I just } give you 100% of the output from the Staff of Zot and we'll call it } even . . . } } You owe the Oracle a "2 Thumbs-Up" from Siskel and Ebert.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, please tell me... > > I sent you a question about the meaning of life and the universe and > everything. In your wisdom, you demanded that I answer a question posed > by a bunch of drunken Australian college students. > > Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's called "getting even." } } You owe the Oracle an answer to the drunken Australian question.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I think I've figured out what happened to all > those ancient gods.  You know, the ones we never hear about any more, > the Greek, Roman, Norse, Egyptians, and so on. > > Inbreeding. > > I mean, look at the situation.  There were only so many gods and > godesses to go around, and they were all related within a couple of > generations of one another.  It was bound to happen, wasn't it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, kid, you've touched on a real sore point with us gods. Sure, at } first it seemed like a good idea. After all, none of us wanted to marry } outside the faith and, besides, mortal wives (and husbands) have this } nasty habit of trying to "reform" us. "Zeus! Stop eating your children! } Put them down! I mean it..." How many times have I heard *that* one! } } And, besides, what could a half-human/half-god child do with their } sort-of omniscience? Fortell what the next item would be on the Home } Shopping Network? No, it seemed to be best to keep it in the family, so } to speak. } } For the first eon or two, it was okay. It had a deliciously naughty } feeling to marry your sister's daughter's mother's brother... until you } realized that you had managed to marry yourself! } } Once we got that straightened out, though, some of the offspring seemed } to be a little... odd. Take the god Harold The Not-So-Swift (from the } Norse side of the family). At first, he seemed to be fine, until we } noticed that he had begun to instruct the people of Britain to build } these circles of really big, I mean *huge*, stones. Sure, it was a } chuckle, but a *calendar*? Really. I mean, their local building } association (so to speak) could have given them a nice one with } photographs of the Cotswold hills for free... Then there was } Qwetzimotizumickle (well, something like that) who got a bug up his } butt about hearts. No, not bridge, but red, raw, bleeding hearts. As } the Valley Girls say, "E-e-e-e-e-www!" Just what the Hades are we going } to do with 10,000,000 beating and lightly-toasted hearts, anyway? } } We finally realized that the god-head gene pool was really getting } watered down when Vishra (a } great-great-cousin-brother-something-or-other of Vishnu and Ra) decided } as a giggle to materialize to some Harvard undergrad and tell him to } create a screen-saver that features flying toasters! } } Quite frankly, that was enough for me. I'm an Episcopalian, now. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Book of Common Prayer translated into } Norse runes.