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Internet Oracularities #942

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942, 942-01, 942-02, 942-03, 942-04, 942-05, 942-06, 942-07, 942-08, 942-09, 942-10


Internet Oracularities #942    (89 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 17 Sep 1997 08:06:59 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   942
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

942   89 votes 5ceDj 5jroe 6Bwc2 69wmk 3djvn 39owl 5ixo9 6cCt4 8eyo9 4bvxa
942   3.3 mean  3.6   3.3   2.6   3.5   3.7   3.7   3.2   3.1   3.1   3.4


942-01    (5ceDj dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, You who could tie your shoelaces in less than two
> seconds, please enlighten this humble supplicant who is not worthy
> to grovel before you...
>
> Where exactly are Zadoc and Lisa right now, and what are
> they doing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, I really should ZOT! you where you sit right now.  I assume
} you're going by what some pathetic incarnate has used to illustrate his
} response.  Believe me supplicant, it just don't work that way.  You
} know...I wish incarnates couldn't invent strange storylines.
} (HARP MUSIC)
} POOF! An angel appears.
} ORACLE: Who are you?
} CLAIROL: I'm Clairol, your guardian angel.
} ORACLE: Well, get out of here!  You have no right to invade the
} Oracular quarters!
} CLAIROL:  What Oracular quarters?
} (The Oracle looks around and sees that his vast mansion has
} disappeared.) ORACLE: What's going on?
} CLAIROL: You wished that incarnates couldn't make up things.
} Therefore, there was no incarnate to have made up a mansion for you.
} ORACLE: Well where do I answer all of my pathetic questions?
} (The scene changes to a small desk, at which another Internet Oracle is
} seated.)
} ORACLE:  Hey-you--er, me--hey Orrie butt!
} CLAIROL: You can't hear you.  You don't exist in this timeline, because
} there was no incarnate to make you the way you are.
} OTHER ORACLE:  Hmmm...I think I'll check my
} mail..doodeedoodeedooooooo......
} GET MAIL
} Question #1
} >
} >
} ORACLE:  A null question!  Get him!
} OTHER ORACLE: Dear sir, I am afraid that in your hurry to have your
} questions answered, you forgot to include it, silly!  Please write
} back, question included, so I can do my best to serve you.  Your
} friend, Orrie.
} ORACLE: WHAT?!?!?!?!
} CLAIROL: Well, there were no incarnates to develop your personality.
} Your attitude.  Your evil ways.
} QUESTION #2
} >How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck >could chuck
} >wood?
} ORACLE:  AAAAGH!  Get him!  ZOT HIS BRAINS OUT!
} OTHER ORACLE: Why, as much wood as a woodchuck could, silly!  I like
} woodchucks.  So waaaarm and fuuuuzzy!
} ORACLE: (hyperventilating)  AGH!  No...supplicants... to..
} create...my....hatred...of...."GASP".....woodchucks!  That's it, I'm
} gonna ZOT this guy into oblivion-
} ZzzZzzZzzzzzz-ppphhht!
} wha happened?
} CLAIROL: The "zot" hasn't been created!
} ORACLE:  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  ZADOOOOC!
} CLAIROL: nope.
} ORACLE: So that means there's no......
} CLAIROL: nope.
} ORACLE: LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISA!
} Clairol: Nope, and no Delphi, no Dark and Sinister Minds, no Salad Fork
} man, and you...
} ORACLE: no...
} CLAIROL:  You promote Windows95.
} ORACLE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
} (The Oracle looks around and sees that all is back to normal.)
} "Whew!" I sure am glad for stupid incarnates.
} LISA!  I'm back?  Lisa?  Lisa!!!
} (Oracle picks up a note)
} Dear Orrie,
} I have run away with Zadoc.
} Lisa.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to make it so he had never said he liked "It's
} a Wonderful Life".


942-02    (5jroe dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I must warn you of the most fiendish, insidious plot ever conceived. It
> is already underway and cannot be stopped. An unholy alliance of the
> two most evil forces in the world has made complete subjugation of the
> human race and destruction of anything resembling civilization
> inevitable.
>
> Tickle-Me-Elmo was only the advance scout.
>
> Microsoft is already the world's most powerful software company, but
> that's not good enough for Gates and his minions. Their latest product,
> all purple and fuzzy, is sitting on my desk leering at me as I,
> quivering in terror, write this. It's a 16-inch clone of everyone's
> favorite TV buddy, Barney the purple dinosaur.
>
> We are all doomed! There is no escape!
>
> Barney has a vocabulary of thousands of words and a repertoire of
> dozens of songs and games. Its head and arms move as it talks and
> sings. It interacts with CD-ROM games on a PC or videotapes on a TV.
> When you squeeze Barney's hand, it offers to play a game, like
> "pretending" to eat lunch (while actually chewing up your intellect).
> Squeeze its feet and it cycles through its songs, including not only
> Barney's trademark treacly tunes, but standards like "The Wheels on the
> Bus." If you cover its eyes, Barney says something like "It sure is
> dark!" or "Where did you go?" and then responds with "Peekaboo!" or
> "Oh, there you are!" when you uncover them. Barney speaks in
> exclamation points a lot.
>
> The paranoids were right: Barney's squishy head contains a radio
> transmitter and receiver, which allows it to communicate with computers
> and TVs. And, yes, once you allow Barney access to your computer, you
> will realize that we were right all along: he is a virus. Barney
> installs Internet Explorer, whether you want it or not.
>
> It's ... it's moving again! It's waddling toward me! It's loggin^&)DDL
>
>      LET'S SING A SONG!!!
>
>      I love you...
>      You love me....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're right. There is no time to lose!
} Too bad for Uncle "Laughing Boy" Bill Gates and his Evil
} Plan, but all that CD/TV/Computer compatibility will
} prove to be their downfall.
}
} Here's what you can do:
}
} 1) Snag a videocamera and flee to the nearest university
}       computer lab.
}
} 2) Give the Sysop this code: ELNEYOOM.
}       S/He will know what to do and will start booting up
}       terminals left and right.
}
} 3) Baracade yourself and the Sysop in the lab. Soon you will
}       hear the soft padding footsteps and happy little
}       voices raised in song and giggling as the purple and
}       red menaces draw ever nearere to the lab.
}
} 4) PANIC.
}       I know.
}       This sounds like a bad time to lose your head, but
}       the noise of you screaming in terror will draw them
}       like a magnet right to you. Look, have I steered
}       you wrong yet? Trust me!
}
} 5) Wait for the furry-cute bastards to break down the door,
}       then grab them, and put them into the chairs before
}       the computer terminals, and cue the Sysop to hit
}       BEGIN on the master terminal.
}
} 6) Relax. They'll be playing Net-Duke Nukem against each
}       other for a loooong time. This game can change any
}       mild-mannered Nettizen into a fanatical trigger
}       happy game-addict. Especially terrible is the fact
}       that since the system is on Win'95, it will keep
}       the game hamstrung and hard to load.
}
}       Start the videotape about the 4th time it crashes.
}       Having a tape of Barney and Elmo throwing tantrums
}       and cursing should be worth it's weight in gold,
}       and will guarantee you will not be bothered again.
}
} You owe the Oracle an extra Med Kit, 10 pipe bombs, and
} a conveyer belt ride.


942-03    (6Bwc2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who can undrum all conundrums, I have a few
> questions which are related to each other.
>
> 1.  What exactly does a pieman do?
>
> 2.  Why was this one dealing in warez?
>
> 3.  Why did he insist on seeing Simple Simon's money before he'd even
>     show him what he'd got?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's look at your questions one at a time, shall we?
}
} 1.  What exactly does a pieman do?
}
} He throws pies at innocent people like this:
}
}            (pies)         {]
} \o/   {] {] {] {] {] {]  0/
}  H                      /H  (pieman)
} / \ (innocent person)   / \
}
} 2.  Why was this one dealing in warez?
}
} Easy.  He was an AOL user.
}
} 3.  Why did he insist on seeing Simple Simon's money before he'd even
} show him what he'd got?
}
} If you owned an XXX theater, would you let people see the movie before
} you make them buy their tickets? I don't think so.
}
} You owe the Oracle lemon meringue, 500 credit card numbers, and tickets
} to "No Man's Land."


942-04    (69wmk dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, please tell
> this grovelling supplicant:
>
> What was the "constant" that Einstein added
> to his theory of General Relativity, only
> to find out later the theory more correct
> without it. What did he call it?
>
> I'm drafting a theory of my own and
> wouldn't like to do the same mistake.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well you really don't want to know what Einstein called it, since he
} was in fact merely repeating somebody else's mistake.  Better that you
} should know what the constant was *originally* called.
}
} It all goes back to the latter half of the nineteenth century, when
} many great discoveries were being made about the nature of heat and
} energy.  One well known figure of the time was William Thomson, who
} among other things made the discovery that food contains heat
} (calories), which is transfered to the human body during the process of
} digestion.
}
} Thomson spent a great deal of his time determining exactly how many
} calories there are in various types of food, a practice which continues
} to this day in some circles.  However, he had a particular personal
} problem, which unfortunately influenced his results.
}
} William Thomson was addicted to chocolate, in all its forms.
}
} And so, when he saw the huge number of calories which his experiments
} showed were present in chocolate products, Thomson simply couldn't
} believe it.  It didn't agree with his theories at all.  On the other
} hand, he couldn't find any flaw in his experiments, so the only
} recourse open to him was a modification of his original theories.  This
} modification took the form of the addition of a single constant to one
} of Thomson's equations. In light of the type of chocolate-bearing food
} first tested by Thomson, this constant has become known as the fudge
} factor.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plate of brownies.  Make sure you've baked all the
} calories out of them.


942-05    (3djvn dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> :o)   :oO   :k=)   :@

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Don't do that or your keyboard will get stuck that way.


942-06    (39owl dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, witty and wonderful (and any other good "w" words
> that I missed), please tell me...
>
> When I sent you the previous question, I got back an e-mail message
> telling me that you were pondering my question. That's good, that's
> good. The problem is that the message also said to expect an answer in
> a day or two. That's not so good.
>
> You see, since I sent that other question, things have gotten worse.
> The orang utan's contractions are coming closer together and she's
> looking really annoyed. Also, the fire has moved up to the second floor
> and the guy with the shotgun is still outside the only fire exit from
> this part of the building.
>
> Any suggestions? Like, *fast* suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for calling the Internet Oracle Help Line.  Please enter your
} Supplicant Registration Number, followed by the pound sign now.  If you
} do not have a Supplicant Registration Number, please press star now to
} go to the Registration menu.
}
} [beep]
}
} You have reached the Supplicant Registration menu.  Please enter your
} area code and phone number, followed by the pound sign now.
}
} [beep boop beep beep boop boop beep brrp boop beep brrp]
}
} Thank you.  Please enter your e-mail address now, followed by the pound
} sign.  Use the numbers on your phone dial to represent the
} corresponding letters; the omniscient Oracle will figure out which
} letter you mean for each.  Use the star key for the "at" sign, zero for
} periods, and one for any other punctuation.
}
} [beep brrp boop boop brrp boop boop beep blat brrp boop blat beep brrp
} boop beep blat boop boop beep brrp]
}
} Thank you. Your Supplicant Registration number is 2557.  Please make a
} note of it.  Press the pound sign now to return to the previous menu.
}
} [brrp]
}
} Thank you for calling the Internet Oracle Help Line.  Please enter your
} Supplicant Registration Number, followed by the pound sign now.  If you
} do not have a Supplicant Registration Number, please press star now to
} go to the Registration menu.
}
} [beep boop boop beep brrp]
}
} You have reached the Main Menu.  You may enter your choice at this
} time, or listen to the following list of choices and select the one you
} wish. You may return to this menu at any time by pressing zero.  For
} advice on your love life, press one now.  For non-internet related
} computer advice, press two now.  For internet related computer advice,
} press three now. For academic advice, press four now.  For career
} advice, press five now. For the plots of upcoming television shows or
} movies, press six now.  For random and irrelevant throw-away questions,
} press seven now.  For other options, press the pound key.
}
} [brrp]
}
} Other options.  For a copy of the Oracle's pamphlet, "How to Win at
} Blackjack," press one now.  If your question involves fire, press two
} now. If your quest--
}
} [beep]
}
} If you want to know how to set something on fire, press one now.  If a
} loved one or pet is currently on fire, press two now.  If you yourself
} are on fire or threatened by fire, press three now.  If you--
}
} [boop]
}
} If you are currently on fire, press one now.  If you are threatened by
} fire, but have a ready means of escape, press two now.  If you are
} threatened by fire with no ready means of escape, or your escape path
} is blocked--
}
} <PLEASE DEPOSIT ADDITIONAL COINS TO CONTINUE THIS CALL.  IF YOU DO NOT
} DEPOSIT ADDITIONAL COINS WITHIN THE NEXT FIFTEEN SECONDS, YOUR CALL
} WILL BE TERMINATED.>
}
} <BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP>


942-07    (5ixo9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, most fantastic, please tell me...
>
> Why are the lines at the banks so long?  The people up front aren't
> doing anything.  They're just standing there.  What I mean is: would it
> be all right if I just WHIPPED OUT AN UZI AND SPRAYED THE ROOM, or do
> you think that would be rude?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the days when only the rich had need for a bank, the lines were
} quite small. Service was quick and the clerks most helpful.  Now the
} masses have grown to an unmanageable size and the banks have decided to
} help Darwinian Evolution.
}
} It is a double pronged approach.
}
} The clerks work slower than ever in order to let the lines grow. When
} the line grows to a predetermined size, half of the clerks take off for
} lunch. The remaining clerks will then proceed with one of two actions:
} Slow down even further, or claim their computer-terminal is off-line.
}
} Sometime after that, it is well documented that someone will, indeed,
} pull out an uzi and spray the room. Those smart enough to know this
} will happen will have already left. Those less smart but still smarter
} than sheep will manage to duck for cover the second the Uzi-Wielder
} theatrically opens his over-coat to retrieve said weapon.
}
} Those unfortunate enough to get hit will die, thinning the population
} and saving the gene-pool from their less-than-desirable genes.
}
} The bank tellers are of course, protected by bullet-proof glass.
}
} The second prong of this is that the Uzi-Wielder will be put to death
} as soon as they are caught, convicted, sentenced  and waste millions of
} dollars on their Court Appeals. This saves the gene-pool from
} overly-aggressive and impatient genes.
}
} So, impatient Supplicant, you have Three Choices:
}    Wait as long as you can tolerate it and hope the clerks get to you
} before someone draws their Uzi.
}    Wait as long as you can tolerate it and make sure you draw your Uzi
} first.
}    Bank by Modem.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 1st Edition copy of "Origin of the Species".


942-08    (6cCt4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This afternoon I'm planning to go and watch the movie 'Volcano'. Will
> it be any good?
>
> BTW, when will there be a movie made about you, Great Oracle? I imagine
> it would be a great movie. (Could I have 25% of the income, seeing it
> was my idea?) I'm sure old Steven S. would make you look good.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I, the Great and Powerful Oracle will personally guarantee that
} 'Volcano' will be a blast, a lava fun, a conical magmapiece.
}
} As far as "The Internet Oracle:  The Motion Picture" is concerned, we
} are currently finalizing the casting.  The Oracle will be performed by
} Frank Oz:  "You seek the Oracle!  Take you to him I will!  Ignore that
} man behind the Usenet you must!".  Uma Thurman will play the sultry
} Lisa and Jim Carrey's zany antics will bring Zadoc the High Priest to
} life.
}
} Many Hollywood greats will be performing cameos as the various and
} sundry Supplicants:  Mel Brooks, Diane Keaton, Sean Connery, Val
} Kilmer, Glenn Close, Jackie Chan, Sylvester Stallone, Alicia
} Silverstone, Harvey Korman, Nikki Cox, Tim Conway, Cloris Leachman,
} Marlon Brando, Jane Curtain, Rick Moranis, and Jenny McCarthy to name
} just a few.  Also, Bill Murray and Puxatawney Phil will make a special,
} recursive, appearance for the woodchuck question as it gets asked over
} and over again.
}
} With regard to your request for 25% of the income:  you should be aware
} that normally an agent gets 10%.  But then, real agents know how to
} grovel and debase themselves for their clients, so how about I just
} give you 100% of the output from the Staff of Zot and we'll call it
} even . . .
}
} You owe the Oracle a "2 Thumbs-Up" from Siskel and Ebert.


942-09    (8eyo9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, please tell me...
>
> I sent you a question about the meaning of life and the universe and
> everything. In your wisdom, you demanded that I answer a question posed
> by a bunch of drunken Australian college students.
>
> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's called "getting even."
}
} You owe the Oracle an answer to the drunken Australian question.


942-10    (4bvxa dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I think I've figured out what happened to all
> those ancient gods.  You know, the ones we never hear about any more,
> the Greek, Roman, Norse, Egyptians, and so on.
>
> Inbreeding.
>
> I mean, look at the situation.  There were only so many gods and
> godesses to go around, and they were all related within a couple of
> generations of one another.  It was bound to happen, wasn't it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, kid, you've touched on a real sore point with us gods. Sure, at
} first it seemed like a good idea. After all, none of us wanted to marry
} outside the faith and, besides, mortal wives (and husbands) have this
} nasty habit of trying to "reform" us. "Zeus! Stop eating your children!
} Put them down! I mean it..." How many times have I heard *that* one!
}
} And, besides, what could a half-human/half-god child do with their
} sort-of omniscience? Fortell what the next item would be on the Home
} Shopping Network? No, it seemed to be best to keep it in the family, so
} to speak.
}
} For the first eon or two, it was okay. It had a deliciously naughty
} feeling to marry your sister's daughter's mother's brother... until you
} realized that you had managed to marry yourself!
}
} Once we got that straightened out, though, some of the offspring seemed
} to be a little... odd. Take the god Harold The Not-So-Swift (from the
} Norse side of the family). At first, he seemed to be fine, until we
} noticed that he had begun to instruct the people of Britain to build
} these circles of really big, I mean *huge*, stones. Sure, it was a
} chuckle, but a *calendar*? Really. I mean, their local building
} association (so to speak) could have given them a nice one with
} photographs of the Cotswold hills for free... Then there was
} Qwetzimotizumickle (well, something like that) who got a bug up his
} butt about hearts. No, not bridge, but red, raw, bleeding hearts. As
} the Valley Girls say, "E-e-e-e-e-www!" Just what the Hades are we going
} to do with 10,000,000 beating and lightly-toasted hearts, anyway?
}
} We finally realized that the god-head gene pool was really getting
} watered down when Vishra (a
} great-great-cousin-brother-something-or-other of Vishnu and Ra) decided
} as a giggle to materialize to some Harvard undergrad and tell him to
} create a screen-saver that features flying toasters!
}
} Quite frankly, that was enough for me. I'm an Episcopalian, now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Book of Common Prayer translated into
} Norse runes.


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