[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:18:40 GMT

Internet Oracularities #943

Goto:
943, 943-01, 943-02, 943-03, 943-04, 943-05, 943-06, 943-07, 943-08, 943-09, 943-10


Internet Oracularities #943    (83 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 1997 15:41:39 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   943
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

943   83 votes 5ajsl 2kwo5 fDfc2 bmmee 5exid 5hEf6 1qqn7 8jpla bdpoa 6kAf6
943   3.1 mean  3.6   3.1   2.4   3.0   3.2   3.0   3.1   3.1   3.1   2.9


943-01    (5ajsl dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do they do laundry in Iceland?
> Wouldn't the boiling water make the clothes shrink too much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Where do you people come *up* with these questions? I mean, really,
} just how boring must your day be for you to start wondering about
} Icelandic laundry techniques? This is just so weird...
}
} Well, a deal is a deal. You grovel and ask a question and I... hey,
} wait a minute... NO GROVEL! Why, I ought to...
}
} No, if I ZOT you, then I probably won't get around to finding out
} exactly how Icelanders really do their laundry and, frankly, I'm
} intrigued.
}
} Well, let's call in an expert.
}
} [POOF!]
}
} ORACLE: [with lots of reverb] Bjorn Steffansdoghttirsson, you have been
} summoned before the great Usenet Oracle to answer a question!
}
} BJORN: Ja, okay, sure...
}
} ORACLE: How do you do laundry?
}
} BJORN: [peers at the Oracle] How do I do vat?
}
} ORACLE: In a vat?
}
} BJORN: Vat in a vat?
}
} ORACLE: What?
}
} BJORN: Vat?
}
} ORACLE: No, not "vat", "what"!
}
} BJORN: Ja, dot's vat I say!
}
} ORACLE: [sighs. Leans over and presses a button on the desk marked
} "Icelandic Accent Filter"] Look, we just want to know about laundry in
} Iceland... Do you beat it against a rock? Boil it in those hot springs?
} Does the hot water make the clothes shrink?
}
} BJORN: I don't do laundry.
}
} ORACLE: Okay, so your *wife* does the laundry. What's her name? Helga
} Livssonsdoghttir? Something like that...
}
} BJORN: No, you don't understand. No one in Iceland does laundry.
}
} ORACLE: What? You mean, you go around in dirty clothes all the time?
}
} BJORN: Hell, no! What do you think we are? Slobs? No, after we wear a
} shirt for one day, we throw it away.
}
} ORACLE: But that's horribly wasteful! How can you afford to buy new
} clothes every day?
}
} BJORN: Oh, that's no problem. Everyone in Iceland is very rich.
}
} ORACLE: What do you mean, "rich"? You guys are perched on a small pile
} of rock on the edge of the Arctic Ocean. Basically, all you have is
} some small-scale sheep farming and cod fishing. How rich can you be?
}
} BJORN: Oh, screw the cod. For that matter, screw the...
}
} ORACLE: Watch it!
}
} BJORN: Okay, okay, just point that staff in another direction? All
} right? Okay, I shouldn't be telling you this, but... Do you remember
} that series of articles in the San Jose Mercury-News a while back,
} blaming the CIA for introducing crack cocaine into Los Angeles?
}
} ORACLE: Yeah...
}
} BJORN: And then the paper stopped running the articles and backed off
} from the story?
}
} ORACLE: Yeah...
}
} BJORN: Well, did you ever wonder why, even after the Medellin Cartel
} and the Cali Cartel were both broken up, the source of cocaine didn't
} dry up?
}
} ORACLE: Well, I thought that... Hey! Wait a minute! You don't mean...
}
} BJORN: Yeah. Right. The Reijkavik Cartel. Or, some call it, the "Cod
} Connection".
}
} ORACLE: "The Cod Connection"?
}
} BJORN: Sure! How do you think we smuggle the stuff into the States?
} Just think about it: All those cod dinners served every Friday night
} all across the United States! And do you think the U.S. Customs Service
} is going to go wading through five million tons of smelly fish to look
} for crack? Hell, no! It's a perfect set-up.
}
} ORACLE: I had no idea!
}
} BJORN: Of course not. That's the whole point! Who is going to suspect
} that the entire country of Iceland is a drug-smuggling ring? We're like
} Bhutan... small, a little exotic, friendly... and damned good at
} smuggling. Of course, not as good as the Bhutanese, but, then, their
} heroin-smuggling operation...
}
} ORACLE: Heroin? Bhutan?
}
} BJORN: Look at a map! They're just north of the Golden Triangle! What
} do you think they're going to smuggle? LSD? Naw, the Samoans have got
} *that* tied up! You don't want to mess with the Samoans!
}
} ORACLE: LSD! Why, you disgusting little man! All of these little
} countries are involved in the drug trade!
}
} BJORN: Not just drugs, Orrie. Yemen runs the football bookie operation,
} Madagascar deals in stolen credit cards, Latvia runs the best fencing
} operation for luxury car parts and Guyana... [laughs] *they've* got the
} protection racket down pat!
}
} ORACLE: How can you do this? This is horrible!
}
} BJORN: Look, Orrie, it's just business. The United States has millions
} of square miles of land. They have oil deposits, gold and silver mines,
} coal seams, a huge industrial base, a large population and a great
} communications and transportation network. What do the little countries
} like Honduras have? A few square miles of stinking jungle! And, of
} course, a really good blackmail operation... What we lack in natural
} resources, we make up for in a willingness to adapt. Think about it:
} Sicily is a small, barren rock in the middle of the Mediterranian Sea.
} They've got nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. And yet, for a century they ran
} most of the rackets in Europe *and* America! The other small countries
} of the world took notice and slowly, over the years, we've moved into
} the same, uh, field. It's a natural! And, of course, Iceland is the
} best at this. We lead the other small countries!
}
} ORACLE: Why?
}
} BJORN: We're the decendants of Vikings, of course!
}
} ORACLE: Get out of here!
}
} [POOF!]
}
} Well, there you have it: Icelanders *don't* do laundry. Now, if you'll
} excuse me, I have to make a quick call to the Strategic Air Command.
}
} You owe the Oracle some ICBMs.


943-02    (2kwo5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> And how would Sir like his steak this evening?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A little less argumentative this time, Henri.  Last week
} I think Chef took me a little too literally when I said
} "very rare."  It brought a whole new meaning to "food
} fight."  Damn thing nearly gored me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of A1 sauce.


943-03    (fDfc2 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Bountiful one, who can complete crosswords quicker than Inspector
> Morse: 28 Across. Obscure prophecy: O for a clear section! (6)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O pitiful supplicant, who can't :
}
} I am the answer to your question and to all questions. If this pattern
} were to continue, hmm, let's see.....
}
} 6 down. Irritating supplicant: Cigarette end contains French bread, in
} a disordered THIN PANTIE TUBE!(4,2,3,4)


943-04    (bmmee dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ain't it a shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy
> like that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, yes it is.  There are plenty of good uses for them.  In fact there
} are...
}
}               101 uses for a "perfectly good white boy"
}
} 1.  Blood donor
} 2.  Liver donor
} 3.  Dinner guest (If you invite him)
} 4.  Dinner companion (if you're sleeping with him)
} 5.  Dinner server (If he's your waiter)
} 6.  Dinner (If you're Jeffery Dahmer)
} 7.  Give him a hat, boots, and a horse - Cow boy
} 8.  Take off his shirt and give him sunscreen - Cabana boy
} 9.  Give him khakis and a Polo shirt - Frat boy
} 10. Slap a big S on his chest - Super boy
} 11. Give him a large wood club - Bat boy
} 12. Get him drunk, and him his girlfriend is cheating
} 13. Dare him to do any thing
} 14. Peer pressure is always fun too.
} 15. I think this list is a little weird
} 16. Turn him over and use his head like a mop.
} 17. I hate 101 lists.
} 18. I should just stop the list right here
} 19. But then it wouldn't be a 101 list, would it?
} 20. So?
} 21. We promised 101 uses for a perfectly good white boy,
} 22. We can't back out now
} 23. Why not?
} 24. False advertising.
} 25. We didn't advertise anything.
} 26. You know what I mean.
} 27. Look at the list so far,
} 28. How much of it has been an actual list?
} 29. A couple of jokes, one or two which were actually funny
} 30. Then this meaningless dialog.
} 31. It's almost like the author ran out of ideas,
} 32. And is trying to write his way out of a hole
} 33. But the self-aware writing is one of the oldest tricks around.
} 34. I know, I think this guy's a hack.
} 35. How do we get him too stop?
} 36. I don't think we can.
} 37. He looks like he's determined to reach 101.
} 38. Lord help us.
} 39. Let's see where he is.
} 40. Scrunch him up, and use him as a golf ball.
} 41. God that's terrible.
} 42. He's completely run out of ideas.
} 43. That was apparent at number 12.
} 44. I've got an idea!
} 45. We'll sing the most annoying song in the world.
} 46. He'll get it suck in his head, and he'll stop.
} 47. Good plan...  Ready?
} 48. Doooo do do do do do da do da doo
} 49. Do da do da do d-do
} 50. Do da do da do
} 51. Don't worry. Be happy.
} 52. Doooo do do do do do da do da doo
} 53. Do da do da do d-do
} 54. Do da do da do
} 55. Don't worry. Be happy
} 56. Did it work?
} 57. No, he likes the song.
} 58. My God, what a loser.
} 59. Tell me about it.
} 60. Any more bright ideas?
} 61. Let's see where he is.
} 62. Two more and you can have a jug band.
} 63. What the hell is he talking about?
} 64. Who knows.
} 65. Oo oo! I've got it.
} 66. He's been drinking a lot water, right?
} 67. Yes?
} 68. Activate those kidneys.
} 69. You mean like this?
} 70. Exactly.
} 71. Any second now, he'll tearing out of here lik


943-05    (5exid dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mycroft@mit.edu (Charles M. Hannum)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Oracle, who knows more than Bill Gates, can you
> identify these quotes:
>
> 1.  "Dreams all drown when sugar is brown"
> 2.  "And that's when the strange virus came..."
> 3.  "On the road of life, there are drivers..."
> 4.  "Warning:  Not for Mono Devices"
> 5.  "blank willow..."
>
> Should you be so kind as to answer me, I would forever be in debt.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's their source, in the order in which I worked them out:
}
} > 1.  "Dreams all drown when sugar is brown"
}
}     That's the easiest.  It's a line from the first verse of the
}     anthem of the shadowy NutraSweet (TM) Development Council:
}
}       "Dreams all drown when sugar is brown,
}        And terror at night if the sugar is white.
}        Oh, Calorie Free! Calorie Free!
}        In my bed-time drink it's the sweetener for me!"
}
} > 3.  "On the road of life, there are drivers..."
}
}     The first words of an unofficial statement made by an
}     employee of the Hotel Ritz in Paris last week.  He didn't
}     get much more out before the Anglophiles in his audience
}     shouted him down and gave chase.  He's still running and is
}     expected to reach the Spanish border by Thursday.
}
} > 5.  "blank willow..."
}
}     From of a bowdlerised version of "The Mikado", (Act II) with
}     the words disapproved of by the Moral Majority blanked-out:
}
}       "On a tree by a river a little tom-blank
}            Sang "Willow, blank willow, blank willow!"
}        And I said to him, "Blanky-bird, why do you sit
}            Singing 'Willow, blank willow, blank willow'?"
}
} > 4.  "Warning:  Not for Mono Devices"
}
}     This is stamped on the underside of the Great Pyramid at
}     Giza, along with a giant letter "L" and an input socket 50
}     feet across.  A similar arrangement (except with an "R") can
}     be found on an identical pyramid at Cydonia.  You really
}     need that Earth-Mars separation for a good stereo image.
}
} > 2.  "And that's when the strange virus came..."
}
}     This was the hardest.  I eventually realised that it is
}     part of a desperate explanation given by a programmer (based
}     somewhere in the northern-hemisphere) to his boss, on being
}     asked what has happened to the new project code; said
}     programmer having been incarnating rather than implementing.
}
} You indeed owe the Oracle a debt that can never be repaid.  And
} since I've got control of your bank's computers you are going to
} find that easy, as you won't be seeing a penny of your own earnings
} for the next twenty years.


943-06    (5hEf6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Illustrious Oracle, answer me this:
>
>          What is a question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, a question can be many things, of which below are
} listed but a few.
}
} 1.  An expression of inquiry that invites or calls for a reply; an
} interrogative sentence, phrase or gesture.  ("Listen, you little
} wisecracking jerk, can you give me 3 good reasons why I should not ZOT
} you?")
}
} 2.  A subject or point under discussion or consideration; an issue; a
} difficult matter; a problem.  ("Should I set the Staff of ZOT to 'stun'
} or 'kill'?")
}
} 3.  A proposition brought up for consideration by an assembly; the act
} of bringing a proposal to a vote.  ("Will all priests who think I
} should ZOT this miserable smart-alecky supplicant into the middle of
} next week please raise their hands?")
}
} 4.  Uncertainty or doubt.  ("Hmmm, I wonder if I should also ZOT those
} priests who did not vote the way I wanted them to just now?")
}
} You owe the Oracle the answer to Question Number One.


943-07    (1qqn7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wonderful, beautiful, radiant, smart, and a snappy
> dresser:
>
> What's the difference between good and evil?  Do you have any examples?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny you should ask!  Good and Evil are the names of my cats.
} Good is a black short-hair generic cat, while Evil is a long
} haired white cat with orange spots.  Both sleep most of the time.
} Good likes to be scratched behind the ears while Evil prefers
} under the chin.  Evil tends to gack up hair balls, which is
} really anoying.  Good will only drink from a running faucet,
} while Evil will drink water from a pan left to soak in the sink.
} Evil also likes to use my sofa as a scratching post and has ripped
} it to shreds.
}
} Sorry, I'm not giving out examples, as both cats have been
} spayed/nutered.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new scratching post and a pound of catnip.


943-08    (8jpla dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is baseball America's sport?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who told you it was? Didn't you see that commercial -- which turns out,
} for some reason, to be for AT&T -- wherein a lonely American player is
} depressed because he plays in a Japanese baseball league? No one there
} understands a single word he says, and what's more, it is raining
} buckets, and people are being knocked unconscious all around the
} stadium. No, wait. It isn't raining buckets, it is simply raining, and
} the depressed American baseball player calls his brother -- this must
} be the AT&T link -- who tells him to "have fun." The depressed American
} baseball player interprets this to mean he should go out in the pouring
} rain and run around the bases and slide all over the muddy infield and
} do cartwheels. The stands come alive with people laughing at him, as we
} see the now-gladdened American baseball player's Japanese manager roll
} his eyes. So we see that baseball is the sport of whosoever cares to
} play it. Running around, acting like an idiot -- *that* is America's
} sport.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of cleats and a rubber chicken.


943-09    (bdpoa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mycroft@mit.edu (Charles M. Hannum)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What state capital is known as the "Moistened City"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um... the state of arousal.
}
} You owe the Oracle a password to the Swedish Erotica home page. One
} that works.


943-10    (6kAf6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it irritating me like that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no!  Didn't anyone tell you how to recognize poison ivy?  You're
} supposed to use some OTHER kind of leaves after going to the latrine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Boy Scout handbook.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org