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Internet Oracularities #945

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Internet Oracularities #945    (88 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 1997 08:32:56 -0500 (EST)

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

945   88 votes 6iCi8 7jur5 7lyj7 4rugb 8kxfc bhklj 7ipt9 3lEj5 6uxf4 4gEj9
945   3.0 mean  3.0   3.0   3.0   3.0   3.0   3.2   3.2   3.0   2.8   3.1


945-01    (6iCi8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most green,
>
> Got stuck behind a rusty pickup with blown rings today. It had a bumper
> sticker that said "jesus is the answer".
>
> So what was the question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Who does the owner of this vehicle pray to every year at state
} inspection time?"
}
} You owe the Oracle a lube and filter job.


945-02    (7jur5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Orrie, who's this Charles M. Hannum guy?  You seem to be getting
> an awful lot of new priests these days.  What happened - you wear the
> old ones out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle User Guide
} Chapter 4 Sub-section c.01
} Priests - Location and Removal
}
} On the mark 1 Oracle, priests are located under the sub-frame at
} points A B and C as per diagram. These should be checked for wear
} regularly. A worn priest will be easily rotated and will display
} lateral movement within its retaining grommet.
} To remove a worn priest, undo retaining clips 1 to 15 using the
} supplied specialist tool, or a screwdriver and soft hammer. The
} circlip should now be visible, remove and lift out the underlying 'o'
} ring. The priest can now be lifted free of its mounting and
} discarded. In the case of the Zadoc type 004 priest immerse in water
} for 6 hours after removal to stop any unwanted complaining. Charles
} M Hannum guys are not recommended for Oracular priest replacement
} unless they have been pre-fitted with a Zadoc conversion device,
} avilable from your Oracle main dealer. The use of non-Oracle Japanese
} import 'clone' spares is not recommended.
} Addition of optional extra priests should only be carried out by
} trained Oracle maintenance staff.


945-03    (7lyj7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>             "The World is probably funnier to people who don't live
> here."
>                          --Hobbes

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed it is, and I probably shouldn't be telling you this, it's
} against Oracular policy you see, so let's just keep between us, ok?
}
} It's a little known fact that the events on our little planet are quite
} popular to the other species in the galaxy.  It all started when
} General No'der'donkee, leader of the galactic armed forces in this
} sector of the galaxy stumbled across a little planet called Earth,
} about 500 years ago.
}
} At first, they thought it was just your average life-giving planet, you
} know, animals not far removed from amoebae, mindlessly running around
} killing each other, but a chance incident alerted them to the
} possibilities this little planet held.
}
} After landing their mothership in a place where they wouldn't be
} found they sent out a landing party to explore the planet.  They had to
} collect a variety of information such as the types of life present,
} planet composition, weather patterns, etc.  They like doing that sort
} of thing, it gives them yet another piece of useless information to
} teach their children in school which they'll never use.  Also, there
} was always the remote possibility the little creatures would discover
} space travel some time in the following million years, so it was best
} for them to be prepared.
}
} Anyway, to cut a long story short, they were about to leave the planet
} in disgust when all of the sudden the General looked of the window and
} said ...
}
} "What the $*#! is that?"
}
} "The computer says that's called a giraffe, sir."
}
} By this time everyone was peering outside the window and they had soon
} all burst out into a fit of outrageous laughter.  None of them could
} believe that such a stupid thing could exist.  "Look at the neck, if it
} was any longer it might knock a few of our ships out of orbit!"  I
} guess alien humour isn't quite the same as human humour.
}
} So, they stayed longer and had a closer look at the planet.  To their
} amazement, they found such hilarious things as men wearing tights,
} rubber chickens and Windows 95.
}
} Galactic interest rapidly grew in Earth, which led to the establishment
} of many TV shows devoted to the events on Earth.  Examples include
} "Earth's Funniest Home Videos", which consists of footage taken from
} orbit of what people do when they think there's no camera around, and
} "Earth TV", which catered to the aliens which were more interested in
} the human-interest stories.
}
} There has even been a few stories on "Galaxy's Dumbest Criminals",
} including one on some kids who stole a flying saucer and went for a
} joyride over Roswell.
}
} You owe the Oracle a toy giraffe.


945-04    (4rugb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tremendous Oracle, who is even smarter than I, please help me, fast!
>
> I sent away for some Acme Helium Balloons that I could use to fly up to
> an astounding height out here on the desert, so that I could catch the
> Roadrunner.  Unfortunately Mr. Chuck Jones saw fit to have Acme deliver
> me anvils instead of balloons.  Here I am, trying to fly with a load of
> Acme Anvils.  Help!  I'm sinking fast, especially now that I just
> looked down.
>
> Very Truly Yours,
> W. Coyote

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, first thing to do is stop looking down. Look up, quick!
}
} You're hovering? Good. Now... keep looking up... Do you have painting
} supplies on you? Good. Paint a picture of a balloon on one of the anv--
} NO! Do NOT look down! Keep looking up and PAINT! That's a balloon?
} Looks more like a squirrel... it'll do. Now we wait. When Mealius
} Speedius shows up, he'll look at you and see the balloon. As you know
} from the train tunnel incident, he has eerie powers that will make the
} painted balloon-- NO! DON'T LOOK DOWN!!! that will make the painting
} rise, carrying you with it. (Unless he thinks it looks more like a
} squirrel, in which case you're out of luck.)
}
} You owe me a promise to read the package before opening it from now on.


945-05    (8kxfc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>           What is the answer to the problem 2+2?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BeFOUR I give you an answer FOUR the aFOURmentioned question, ask
} yourself:  What do I do this service FOUR?  FOUR the money?  FOUR the
} fame and FOURtune?  Not at all.  I do it FOUR the honor of having
} supplicants grovel and FOURm pleas to me that I may inFOURm them with
} my FOURsight.  FOUR that to happen, you need to grovel beFOUR me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a FOURk.


945-06    (bhklj dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Two guys walked into a bar...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And four women walked out.


945-07    (7ipt9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of the ages, father of my babies, please tell me this:
>
> Why don't the stars fall out of the sky at night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They do.  Why do you think you can't see them during the day?
}
} You owe the Oracle some better star adhesive.
} And a DNA test, just to prove that father of your babies thing...


945-08    (3lEj5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Ben and I going to get together?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I won't sugar coat it.
}
} No.
}
} There are a myriad of reasons, but will list only the most serious
} ones:
}
} First, there's religion. You see, Ben's a strict Grammarian, while
} you... are not.
} Then there's civility. Ben is an old romantic. He believes in the old
} courtesies, the "please", the "thank you". When he finds the right
} woman, he's going to balls-out with the gentlemanly behavior,
} culminating in a proposal that would make Danielle Steele weep. I just
} don't see him being able to take much from someone who can't adress a
} millenia old Oracle without so much as a civil greeting.
} Finally, he's allergic to one of your cats. Fluffy, not Muffin. (Heck,
} it could simply be the _name_ he's allergic to)
}
} You owe the oracle a really racy Victorian novel.


945-09    (6uxf4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wiser-than-Wise Oracle (does that make you a wiseguy?), I am in a
> quandry, and seek your ever-knowing, ever-correct, Everready(tm)
> advice.
>
> My girlfriend did not get much sleep last night.  By the day's end, she
> will have transformed into a knife-and-cleaver wielding medusa.  How
> can I reduce my future injuries?  Flowers, maybe?  Perhaps I could wait
> until she goes to sleep before returning, and come sneaking in late at
> night.  On second thought, that may not be such a good idea . . .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First off, avoid eye contact at all costs until we can get this
} resolved!  The knives and cleaver's won't mean squat if you're stone.
}
} The Pre Medusa Syndrome (PMS) you describe is not an easy thing to live
} with, and it only go's away after she reaches mid-life, and her body
} stops creating an egg/month.
}
} My advice is to breed like white mice, always have her pregnant, and
} avoid the Mr. Monthly Visitor problem.  I know this is a sacrifice and
} committment, but fatherhood will also keep you out of the house,
} working 5-6 jobs to keep up with the expenses.
}
} Or, RUN, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!!!!!
}
} You owe the oracle earplugs - all those screaming babies are giving me
} a headache


945-10    (4gEj9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> % cat talk
> MEOW
> %
>
> Is this what that program is supposed to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NO, NO, NO!!!  You must wipe your disk clean while there is still
} time.  Your computer has somehow become infected with the infamous
} Purina virus.  This virus starts by just printing MEOW on the
} infected machine.  But, as time goes by, it starts using its more
} insidious features.  Next it will start jumping into your lap every
} time you try to read Usenet news.  Before you know it, your computer
} will be scratching all your furniture, unloading data on your carpet,
} and wailing at all hours of the night.  It will become the total lord
} and master of your home.  Be afraid, be very afraid.
}
} You owe the Oracle (whose Siamese cat is, ounce for ounce, the most
} neurotic creature on the planet) a new upholstery job for his sofa.


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