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Internet Oracularities #946

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Internet Oracularities #946    (84 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 07:54:04 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   946
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

946   84 votes 3fAo6 a9hvh gjnec kllf7 aoui2 nakjc 2gpw9 1oCj2 1nujb 6ftq8
946   3.0 mean  3.2   3.4   2.8   2.6   2.7   2.8   3.4   3.0   3.2   3.2


946-01    (3fAo6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to be a commodity broker.  I have been preparing for the
> liscencing exam for 3 months, and will be taking it on Thursday.  What
> I want to know from you, all-powerful Oracle, is will I pass the exam?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear oh dear oh dear.
}
} Commodity broker, eh? One of those guys in pinstripe suits and red
} braces with three mobile phones and an annual bonus that's rather
} larger than the annual income of, say, Africa? One of those blokes who
} stands in front of a VDU screaming "BUYBUYBUYBUYBUYBUY!" and (ten
} seconds later) "SELLSELLSELLSELLSELL!" ? One of those geezers who deals
} in billions and has the power to crash an entire country before
} breakfast?
}
} We have come up against one of the immutable paradoxes of the universe
} here - the fact that for many things, the people who really want to do
} something are nine times out of ten the very last people who should be
} allowed to do it.
}
} Think about this - as an example, lets take automatic weapons. In
} Britain, these were recently banned, against much protestation from the
} shooting community. "What about the rights of the genuine sportsman?"
} they cried. Genuine sportsman? With an Uzi? Doesn't give the elk much
} of a sporting chance, does it? For years, the government said "We're
} not going to ban these weapons, because we have a careful screening
} program to weed out those who are unsuitable to hold a machine gun
} license". This missed a fundamental point. There really only needs to
} be one question on the application form - "Do you want to own an
} automatic assault rifle?" and if the answer is yes, then you're clearly
} not a suitable person. Other prominent examples include Presidencies,
} accountants and people with the power to crash an entire country before
} breakfast.
}
} So yes, depressingly, you are going to pass. You'll become a
} commodities broker, you'll work hard at it, you'll relax at the golf
} club on a weekend, you'll drive a flash car, you'll develop a cocaine
} addiction and you'll have a heart attack by the time you're thirty
} five.
}
} Satisfied?
}
} You owe The Oracle another option


946-02    (a9hvh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> **

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ma'am, I'm afraid not even a Miracle Bra will get you a date.


946-03    (gjnec dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> UUCP

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, II don't see pee.


946-04    (kllf7 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> >>>>>And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } Pit one of my incarnations against another, will you?  Project this!
> }
> } *** ZOT! ***<<<<<<
>
> I think you will have to "ZOT" another yourself in your own little
> brain!  Oracles are spending too much time trying NOT to ZOT
> you!
>
> ----(hey, Mezda, why do I get all the strange ones?)
>
> ---(don't know, Most High One - beats me..........)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I never meta question I liked.


946-05    (aoui2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just forgot the keyboard! What do I do???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quick! Grab your rat-- er, mouse-- and drag it out of the trash can!
} What's that? You're using a -real- OS? Oh. No problem then... just log
} in from your dumb terminal. You -do- have a dumb terminal, don't you?
} You don't. *sigh*
}
} Okay, Supplicant, here's where things get tricky. You're going to have
} to connect the pins of your keyboard connector manually to send signals
} to the controller. Now then... What's that? You're lost?
}
} Well, Supplicant, I can only think of one good solution to your
} problem. See that big button on the front of your computer? Push it.
}
} You owe the Oracle-- ()*#&RH(*)#&(J)*F(* NO CARRIER


946-06    (nakjc dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, can you tell me 101 uses for a used
> colostomy bag?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1.      Pillow for the congested.
} 2.      Batting practice.
} 3.      Cutting board.
} 4.      Theft deterrent.
} 5.      The new Sony Shitman!
} 6.      EZ Fertilizer Packet.
} 7.      Deodorant for Andre the Giant.
} 8.      Water balloons at Republican fund-raisers.
} 9.      Women can use them to write their names in the snow.
} 10.     Keep one on your desk so no one asks you questions.
} 11.     Keep one on your desk so people do ask you questions.
} 12.     Floats for fishing.
} 13.     Cleaning your floors (admittedly, not a very effective use,
}         but . . . .)
} 14.     3 words: Poor man's Tupperware.
} 15.     A keen hat.
} 16.     Weather balloon.
} 17.     Inflate for a booster seat.
} 18.     Airbag in GM cars.
} 19.     A travel pillow.
} 20.     Goldfish transportation.
} 21.     Emergency replacement bladder for bagpipes.
} 22.     Emergency replacement kneepads.
} 23.     Life-raft for cats.
} 24.     Stitch together for a smart line of evening-wear.
} 25.     Chew toy for the family dog.
} 26.     Lick-and-stick wallpaper.
} 27.     Use it again (just for fun).
} 28.     Beer brewing carboy.
} 29.     Keen Christmas wrapping-paper.
} 30.     Pour remaining contents over DSS just before you throw
}         it in the garbage.
} 31.     Jell-O mold.
} 32.     Respirator/re-breather.
} 33.     Chop it up for a calamari substitute.
} 34.     Salt and/or Pepper Shaker.
} 35.     Attach a nipple for instant baby bottle!
} 36.     Real life Whoopee cushion.
} 37.     Salad dressing.
} 38.     Room deodorizer.
} 39.     Hot water bottle.
} 40.     Sham-poo dispenser.
} 41.     Body pillow for Barbie.
} 42.     Party favors.
} 43.     Holy wafer substitute at Satanic Rituals.
} 44.     Tote bag.
} 45.     Wallet.
} 46.     An exceptionally stylish purse.
} 47.     Ballast.
} 48.     Punching bag.
} 49.     Mousepad.
} 50.     Travel mug.
} 51.     Humidifier.
} 52.     Christmas tree ornament.
} 53.     Nasal spray.
} 54.     Mouthwash container.
} 55.     Microwave dish - for extra flavor.
} 56.     Gravy dispenser.
} 57.     Tea cosey.
} 58.     Hat.
} 59.     Filled with marbles - bizarre torture device.
} 60.     Falsies.
} 61.     Codpiece.
} 62.     Looking glass.
} 63.     Crunch-'n-Munch.
} 64.     Very small particle accelerator.
} 65.     When filled - Volleyball.
} 66.     Ex-skeet shooting.
} 67.     Medicine bag.
} 68.     Woodchuck holder.
} 69.     Wood chucking device.
} 70.     Hot air balloon.
} 71.     Hockey puck.
} 72.     Not-very-edible underwear.
} 73.     Salad garnish.
} 74.     Salad plate.
} 75.     Toner cartridge.
} 76.     Sun dial.
} 77.     Decorative vase.
} 78.     Ear muffs.
} 79.     Protective goggles.
} 80.     Bar-b-q!
} 81.     CD-Rom storage case.
} 82.     Telephone de-sanitizer.
} 83.     ZOT proof shield.
} 84.     Diaper bag.
} 85.     Tortilla warmer.
} 86.     Condom for Andre the Giant.
} 87.     Nacho-cheese dispenser.
} 88.     Goldfish carrier.
} 89.     Shake-n-bake!  (Thicker & more reliable!)
} 90.     Fill it full of helium for the kids!
} 91.     Fill it full of helium for the grown-ups!
} 92.     Barf bag.
} 93.     Diet aid.
} 94.     Beer bong.
} 95.     A unique way to serve chili.
} 96.     Molotov cocktail.
} 97.     Swimming cap.
} 98.     Great place to put meat drippings!
} 99.     Towing device.
} 100.    Sausage extruder.
} 101.    Shoving in the mouth of annoying Supplicants.
}
} You owe the Oracle an enema.


946-07    (2gpw9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose pens never run out of ink, especially when he's
> writing a check, and the cashier doesn't have a pen of her own, please
> tell me...
>
> How can I get rid of all this paper work, without just throwing it
> away? I may need it later.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if you didn't need it later, I could give you a hundred and
} one ways to get rid of it.  That little condition complicates
} matters, however.
}
} Oh, I know what you could do.  Go find one of those photocopiers
} that can handle 11-by-17 paper.  Put two sheets of your paperwork
} side by side, then copy them at half size, so they'll fit on one
} piece of letter paper.  Throw away the originals, and do the same
} thing to the next two sheets of your paperwork.  Then take the two
} photocopies, put them side by side, and reduce them.  With a little
} bit of work, you can jam all your paperwork onto a single piece of
} paper.  When you need the paperwork back again, just reverse the
} process!  (Sure, it'll be a little grainy, but it's well worth the
} convenience, wouldn't you say?)
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of _The Decline and Fall of the Roman
} Empire_ on a postage stamp.


946-08    (1oCj2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do I have a chance to pass this class?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Everybody has a chance at just about anything. Linus Torvalds had a
} chance to write an operating system kernel. Bill Gates had a chance
} to flood the world with inferior software. Steve Kinzler had a chance
} to become my right-hand man (and a marvellous job he's done too,
} I might add. Remind me to make a note to give him a raise, will you?)
}
} You, however...
}
} You think you've got everything sewn up, and taken care of. You think
} that, because you've blackmailed the class geek into giving you written
} answers to everything, all your worries have been taken care of.
} You think that the teacher won't dare fail you, because your father
} is going to underwrite her latest business venture. You think that,
} if worst comes to worst, that you can hack into the school computer,
} as happened in "Wargames".
}
} Guess again.
}
} The class geek set things up so you would find out something "juicy"
} about him - when in actual fact, everybody except you knows that it's
} a put up job. All those assignments he did for you are just about
} guaranteed to get 100% - at the wrong end of the scale.
}
} The teacher just inherited a large fortune from her uncle. That puts
} paid to your father's investment.
}
} Your modem is near the end of its warranty. The day that the results
} are entered into the computer is the same day that the warranty
} expires - and we all know what happens to equipment on the day that
} the warranty expires, don't we?
}
} Besides, the school computer isn't connected to the phone network.
}
} In short, the answer's "No".
}
} But don't worry. You've still got a job option open to you. Zadoc's
} been pestering me for some leave; I was going to refuse. On second
} thoughts, though, I think you'll do just fine in his place. At the
} least, it'll give me a chance at some zotting practice. Zadoc's no
} fun anymore.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lifetime of servitude. Don't forget - you're
} here forever!


946-09    (1nujb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Sir / Madam, I really need an answer:
>
> when will my brass hand be ready?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh my, did you say "brass HAND"?  You, um, may have a bit of a surprise
} when your Day With John Philip Sousa kicks in at 6 a.m. tomorrow.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better grovel next time, or you'll be hearing the
} Stars and Stripes, and I do mean Forever.


946-10    (6ftq8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, I have this really tough question to ask you, and
> I'd appreciate some help.  You see, I've really got no idea
> as to what sort of kite I should buy.  Do you have any
> idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I recommend malachite. It's nice, green, and will fly great. If you
} throw it hard enough.


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