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Internet Oracularities #947

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Internet Oracularities #947    (89 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 00:10:33 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   947
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

947   89 votes 3alup bsxf2 bxvb3 9tlm8 3dnuk 7fvs8 3myl9 9cynb 7hyq5 dgkmi
947   3.1 mean  3.7   2.7   2.6   2.9   3.6   3.2   3.1   3.2   3.1   3.2


947-01    (3alup dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> >look
>
> Room 316
> Your dorm room is a mess.  But then again, whose isn't?  It's outfitted
> with your standard bunkbeds, two desks, closets, and a sink.  Just like
> your average hotel room.
>      The door to your room is west.
> >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >i
}
} You are carrying:
}       a paper clip
}       your lucky woodchuck's foot
}       a barbell
} >west
}
} As you approach the door, it crashes open violently and your football-
} playing, South Park-watching, mouth-breathing, dumber-than-dirt
} roommate, Mac, stomps in giving you a dirty look.  I think he's found
} out about you and his bimbo girlfriend.
} >west
}
} Mac is blocking the exit.
}
} Mac lumbers towards you with a snarl, "You're a dead man."
} >kill mac
}
} With what?  Your bare hands?
} >yes
}
} I don't understand that.
} >look mac
}
} Your roommate Mac is big, dumb and ugly.  He also has enough muscle to
} break you in half.  He doesn't look happy to see you.
} Mac is giving you the evil eye.
} >take eye
}
} I don't see any "eye" here.
} >look eye
}
} Mac's evil eye is a tiny pinhole full of hatred.
} >poke eye
}
} Deftly wielding your paper clip, you poke Mac in the eye.  Bellowing
} with rage, he ejects a floppy disk and flees the room crashing through
} the north wall.  You hear shrieks of protest as he passes through the
} next room.
} >take disk
}
} You pick up the floppy disk.
} (You score has increased by five points.)
} >exits
}
} There is a door to the west.
} There is a Mac-shaped hole to the north.
} >north
}
} Women's Bathroom
} You have entered the ladies room.  Unfortunately, you are not a lady.
} An attractive co-ed, wrapped in a towel screams as you enter and,
} almost immediately, Mac arrives, picks you up by the throat in one
} beefy hand and proceeds to shape you into a football.  As he punts you
} into oblivion, you recognize the co-ed as his bimbo girlfriend.
}
} You have died.
}
} Would you like to R)estore, S)tart Over, or Q)uit?
} >Q
}
} Your score is 5 (out of a possible 169).
} This gives you the rank of Supplicant.
} ----
}
} *sigh*  You owe the Oracle a lucky woodchuck's foot.


947-02    (bsxf2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who understands all languages on earth:
>
> I've noticed some people speaking about the 'F-word', the 'N-word',
> the 'S-word' and so on.  Does this mean that there are only room for
> 26 bad words in English?  What a boring language!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       no, there is only room for 21. vowels are not allowed as curse
} words according to the Newly-Revised Anglo-Saxxon Laws Abiding Vulgar
} and Obscene Words in the Modern English Genre.
}       who says english is boring?


947-03    (bxvb3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the difference between a geometry textbook and a
> straightened-out paper clip?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Minuscule supplicant (who probably cannot spell minuscule correctly
} without looking it up), you are indeed troubled.  What you were trying
} to ask was how many angles (not angels) could dance on a pin, and not
} having one handy you used a paper clip, but you ruined it.  Geometry
} won't help you on this one, because you missed the point, and you need
} two points for a line, and three non-colinear ones for an angle.  This
} leaves you pointless, like leftover angels that cannot fit on the pin.
} You are vexed by riddles that you cannot answer and by the backlash of
} the many puns you inflict upon the unsuspecting.
}
} Be careful where you put your unbent paper clip, or you'll be like that
} poor angel who has to sit on top of the Xmas tree.


947-04    (9tlm8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most indescribable, can you think of any one-word oxymorons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.
}
} Oh, you want to know them?  Well, I'm afraid that describing me as
} 'indescribable' simply isn't a sufficient grovel. Also, the plural of
} oxymoron is oxymora ...
}
} You owe the oracle a semiretired, telepresent spendthrift skilled at
} playing the pianoforte.


947-05    (3dnuk dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mostly incredible Oracle, who knows all the words to Louie Louie,
>
> What's this big bright red fish doing in my swimming pool??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am going to have to go to the judges on this one.
}
} _Obvious_:       The backstroke.
}
} _Freud_:         Hmmmm...big...red...
}
} _Guido_:         You wants that I should "remove" yo liddle fish
}                  problem here?
}
} _Piratical_:     Aaaarrrrr, methinks tis the great red fish I be
}                  seeking.
}
} _Ebonics_:       What be fish?
}
} _Eliza_:         How do you feel about this big bright red fish doing
}                  in my swimming pool??
}
} _Seuss_:         One fish, red fish, soonish, dead fish
}
} _Mime_:
}
} _Naturalistic_:  That is the Biggus Bright-Reddus, known for it's
}                  affinity for chlorine and cheap patio furniture.
}
} _Text_Based_Adventure_:  I see no big bright red fish here.
}
} _Fratboy_:       Dude!  You gotta swallow that thing if you want in.
}                  Go Betas! (get it?)
}
} _Preteen_:       What's Louie Louie?
}
} _Homer_:         MMMmmmmmmm ... fish.
}
} You owe the oracle a large bag of swedish fish candies, red ones only.


947-06    (7fvs8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> .___________________________________________________.
> |                                                   |
> |                                   ----------O     |
> |   B'l-arja -- BY AIR MAIL         |#/\/\#  /|     |
> |                                   |/####\   |     |
> |           To:  T.I. Oracle        ||####| 47|     |
> |                Oracular Techs     -----------     |
> |                Olympus                            |
> |                                                   |
> |  Hi Oracle,                                       |
> |    I'm having a lot of fun here far away from     |
> | my Oracular duties. The sea is wonderful and      |
> | the nights are exciting. Thanks for giving me     |
> | this time off with Zadoc; We are enjoying it so   |
> | much that we have decided to stay here a bit      |
> | longer...                                         |
> |                                                   |
> |               Love,                               |
> |                 Lisa                              |
> |___________________________________________________|

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Marketing Department
} Times-Tribune
}
} 1 October 1997
}
} Dear Sir or Madam,
}
} Please find enclosed a check for the following ad to be placed in the
} classified section of your paper.
}
} Thank you,
}
} The Internet Oracle
} ================================
}
} IMMEDIATE NEED!
}
} Internet Oracle Inc. has an immediate need for 2 special individuals to
} fill critical openings at our headquarters operation:
}
} 1)  Miserable Worm:  The ideal candidate will be able to perform
}                      various duties including answer mail, light
}                      cleaning and answering rhetorical questions.
}                      Previous experience with ZOT! technology is
}                      helpful but not required.
}
} 2)  Companion:  You are smart, unashamed and a good conversationalist,
}                 and are unafraid to tell your boss exactly what you
}                 think. NOTE:  Partial and/or full nudity is REQUIRED
}                 for this job.
}
} Candidates for both positions will need to deal with a fast-paced
} environment and be computer-savvy.  To be considered for one of these
} exciting openings, please forward your resume and salary requirements
} to Internet Oracle Inc, Department 5472, Indiana.  Internet Oracle Inc.
} is an equal opportunity employer.


947-07    (3myl9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the answer to 2+2?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nice try, O Supplicant of the Non-existent Grovel.  But I'm not
} falling for that.
}
} The answer, of course, depends on the value of the variable, ?.
} For example, if ?=2, then the problem becomes 2+2(2), which equals 6.
} For ?=3, the value is 8, and so forth.  So, I'm afraid the only
} accurate answer I can provide is this:
}
} 2+2? = 2+2?
}
} Your question IS your answer.  Kinda like Jeopardy, but, well, no,
} not really like Jeopardy at all.
}
} You owe the Oracle a value for ?.


947-08    (9cynb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh EverPresent Oracle, who possesses more knowledge than all the
> engineers put together, I have noticed a strange thing.
>
> North of the Equator, water runs counter-clockwise down the drain,
> while South of the Equator is runs clockwise.  At the Equator it
> doesn't run down at all (probably since the drains are clogged).
> Why does this happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant:
}
} At the equator, the coriolis force becomes entangled with the
} Heisenberg principle. The water does not drain because you're looking
} at it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book on solipism.


947-09    (7hyq5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All knowing one, "Tell me why El Ninyo is pestering the farmers in
> southwest Oklahom?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but if you hum a few bars I can...oh, wait, I see what you mean.
} Well, the scientific explanation to that is pretty technical, but if
} you really want to know...
}
} Basically, the weather gods are angry. You can't blame them, really.
} Nobody takes them seriously anymore. I mean, it used to be them and
} nobody else.  Oh, sure, everybody went around waving and building
} statues of those fellows with far too many arms and heads and knees
} and whatnot, but who do you think they _really_ prayed to at night
} with the wind whistling in the cracks (this is before the Age of
} Spackle I'm talking about here) and the crops not ready to harvest
} so it'll be dried turnips all winter if ol' Jack [not his real name]
} Frost should happen to drop by, much less if it should happen to
} start raining industrial strength ice cubes or fish or frogs or
} some other damned thing? Not Mr. Gnurg Of The Thousand Elbows,
} I can tell you that. No, the weather gods were always the ones who
} got the real respect, not to mention endorsement contracts. But all
} that's changed since then. Now people spend all their time inside
} their central heating and air conditioning and indoor plumbing.
} For a while the weather gods didn't do much about it, spending their
} time playing "Zap the Golfer" and idly aiming continuous streams
} of high-powered cosmic rays into the heads of local TV weathermen,
} which is why they talk like that.  But computers were the last straw.
} Now people hardly need to go outside at all, and they hardly ever
} even _talk_ about the weather. Well, the weather gods are fed up,
} and this time they intend to do something about it. They're going to
} keep getting meaner until they start getting some real respect. Oh,
} sure, you laugh now, but will you be amused when your house is crushed
} beneath ten tons of assorted seaweed? Your neighbors will be, though.
} So I guess it's not a total loss.
}
} You owe the Oracle an umbrella, and a videotape of that whole
} house-crushing thing.


947-10    (dgkmi dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, what is the recipe for (sorry, can't do it
> properly in pure ASCII, imagine the o and / are overlaid) glo/gg?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.


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