948-04 (5prf6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> O Oracle, you great, big, lovable lug, you, please tell me...
> Well, I did what you said, but things still aren't quite worked out. My
> wife didn't like the live rat coat I got her (and, yes, I did what you
> said and told her that wearing dead fur was inhumane). Her mother is
> still angry at me for placing that ad in the Village Voice (although
> I'm impressed at the number of telephone calls she's been getting; who
> would thought that so many people would have a Janet Reno fetish). And,
> finally, my sister has sworn out a warrant for my arrest, despite all
> the effort I've taken to explain that the IRS *always* checks out these
> anonymous reports before they start seizing houses and cars and things.
> I mean, it was a *joke*, right?
> So, what else should I do to bring my family closer together?
} Well, sheesh, there's just no pleasing some people, is there? At
} least they're all finally agreeing on something, *and* they're
} all paying attention to you. That was what you asked for; it's
} not *my* fault you weren't more clear about what you wanted.
} But now you want to bring them closer together, too? Okay.
} First, rent a building. Remove the handle from the inside of the
} front door. Nail all other doors and windows closed.
} Send a letter to your wife, apologizing for the mistake. Tell
} her you've got a (dead) mink fur coat waiting for her. Give her
} the address of the building you rented, and tell her to be there
} at precisely 7:15 PM.
} Call your mother-in-law. Impersonate Robert Redford's voice, and
} tell her that you've read the ad in the paper, and that you'll
} give her a million dollars if she'll sleep with you. Tell her
} to be at the address of the building you rented, at precisely
} 7:15 PM.
} Call your sister. Tell her you're a police sargeant, and that
} her brother has just been killed in a shoot-out with the police,
} and that she's needed to identify the body. Give her the address
} of the building you rented, and ask her to be there at precisely
} 7:15 PM.
} Hide in the alley across the street. As soon as all three of
} them have entered, engage the industrial-size trash compactor you
} installed just inside the front door. I guarantee that they'll
} be closer than they've ever been before.
} You owe the Oracle a rubber hose, a vacuum pump, and a 55-gallon
} drum of butter-flavored instant grits.