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Internet Oracularities #948

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948, 948-01, 948-02, 948-03, 948-04, 948-05, 948-06, 948-07, 948-08, 948-09, 948-10


Internet Oracularities #948    (78 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 7 Oct 1997 08:04:59 -0500 (EST)

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   948
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

948   78 votes bppf2 3lui6 ftma2 5prf6 7kph9 5mAf0 4bukd 9ntf2 5klma bnqf3
948   2.9 mean  2.6   3.0   2.4   2.9   3.0   2.8   3.3   2.7   3.2   2.7


948-01    (bppf2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's an excellent source of dietary fiber. Ask Mikey, he likes it...
}
} You owe the Oracle 3 solid hours of grovelling, and the meaning of
} Froot Loops.


948-02    (3lui6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, your worshipfulness, I am sorry to say it didn't work quite
> like you said it would.
>
> Oh, sure, it started out fine -- but the leeches decided they'd
> rather stick to me than to the ocelot, and I've got one hanging
> from my forehead and it won't let go.  (I had a bit of trouble
> with the acetylene torch earlier, so I can't even comb my hair
> down over the leech to hide it; you should see the strange looks
> people give me when I have to go out in public.)  And to top it
> all off, the duct tape wouldn't stick, because I all of my
> cookware is Teflon-coated.
>
> Any more ideas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh brother.  You've really gotten yourself into a mess.
}
} I said, while you're on vacation, stick to the beaches, avoid the
} boss a lot, and if you can't, torture yourself with duct tape.  At
} least you got the last thing right.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good inner-ear cleaning.


948-03    (ftma2 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I go to Paris?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only in April. It's a feeling no one can ever reprise.
}
}   You owe The Oracle a solo.


948-04    (5prf6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, you great, big, lovable lug, you, please tell me...
>
> Well, I did what you said, but things still aren't quite worked out. My
> wife didn't like the live rat coat I got her (and, yes, I did what you
> said and told her that wearing dead fur was inhumane). Her mother is
> still angry at me for placing that ad in the Village Voice (although
> I'm impressed at the number of telephone calls she's been getting; who
> would thought that so many people would have a Janet Reno fetish). And,
> finally, my sister has sworn out a warrant for my arrest, despite all
> the effort I've taken to explain that the IRS *always* checks out these
> anonymous reports before they start seizing houses and cars and things.
> I mean, it was a *joke*, right?
>
> So, what else should I do to bring my family closer together?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, sheesh, there's just no pleasing some people, is there?  At
} least they're all finally agreeing on something, *and* they're
} all paying attention to you.  That was what you asked for; it's
} not *my* fault you weren't more clear about what you wanted.
}
} But now you want to bring them closer together, too?  Okay.
}
} First, rent a building.  Remove the handle from the inside of the
} front door.  Nail all other doors and windows closed.
}
} Send a letter to your wife, apologizing for the mistake.  Tell
} her you've got a (dead) mink fur coat waiting for her.  Give her
} the address of the building you rented, and tell her to be there
} at precisely 7:15 PM.
}
} Call your mother-in-law.  Impersonate Robert Redford's voice, and
} tell her that you've read the ad in the paper, and that you'll
} give her a million dollars if she'll sleep with you.  Tell her
} to be at the address of the building you rented, at precisely
} 7:15 PM.
}
} Call your sister.  Tell her you're a police sargeant, and that
} her brother has just been killed in a shoot-out with the police,
} and that she's needed to identify the body.  Give her the address
} of the building you rented, and ask her to be there at precisely
} 7:15 PM.
}
} Hide in the alley across the street.  As soon as all three of
} them have entered, engage the industrial-size trash compactor you
} installed just inside the front door.  I guarantee that they'll
} be closer than they've ever been before.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rubber hose, a vacuum pump, and a 55-gallon
} drum of butter-flavored instant grits.


948-05    (7kph9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did I do well?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not quite. It's a little shallow, yet.
} Keep digging.
}
} You owe the Oracle something Chinese, when you get back.


948-06    (5mAf0 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most wise, who taught Volta all about volts, and Mr. Ampere
> about amps, and Mr. Farad about farads, and, oh, who can forget Mr.
> Henry and Henries,
>
> Recently, I've begun to learn electronics.  I'm stuck on one question
> in particular.
>
> What would the equivilant resistance be of a series-paralell circiut
> that looked like this?
>
>            |----R1----|---R2---|----R3---|
>            |    10k   |   2k   |    1k   |
>         Va -          c1       c2        c3
>        10v -          | 1pf    | 2pf     | 3pf
>            |          |        |         |
>            -----------|--------|---------|
>
> Your humble Suplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, far be it from me to tell you what two consenting circuits do in
} the privacy of the workshop, but this series-paralell stuff is a good
} way to get hurt. Not that I can really judge.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation for the etymology of "daisy-chain"
} that doesn't involve a porno flick.


948-07    (4bukd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Father, I have sinned.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey hey!  Do you mind?  The confessional is the next stall down!
} Geez...
}
} You owe the Oracle a little privacy.


948-08    (9ntf2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> what are newsgroups and howdo i use them????????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Throughout history, people have constantly made attempts to make money
} quickly, without much work. For years it was assumed the that only way
} to make money is to actually work. Only recently, with the development
} of high-level mathematics, a new technique has been found which enables
} ANYONE to make heaps and heaps of gold.
} Yes. You have heard right. Is is possible to make FIFTY THOUSAND
} DOLLARS in just a few minutes time, with an initial investment of only
} FIVE DOLLARS. It works great, and every person involved in it will earn
} a very large amount of money. It has even been implemented as a
} state-wide money producing technique in Albania, and they had to fake a
} rebellion just so the rest of the world will not envy their newly-found
} riches.
}
} So, "wheredo newsgroups fit in all of this??????", you are probably
} wondering by now. The answer is simple.
}
} This amazing money-making technique was discovered by mathematicians,
} working in universities. They decided to use the computer network
} linking all the universities - The Internet - to move their discovery
} from theory to practice. A new body inside the Internet has been
} created - the USENET. The Usenet is a large "bulletin board" with many
} folders. These folders are especially designed to accommodate messages
} with the subjects of "GET RICH QUICK", "MAKE $50,000 IN 5 MINUTES" and
} "MAKE MONEY FROM YOUR OWN HOME". These are the common names of the
} money-making messages developed. The scientists then proceeded to use
} the Usenet in order to pass these messages among themselves to
} exponentially increase their gain of profits.
} The reason that the Usenet was devided into so many newsgroups was that
} they didn't want any single group to be filled with too many
} money-making messages.
}
} To use the UseNet, simply obtain one of the money-making messages. You
} can obtain one from any AOL or Hotmail user. Inside the message you
} will have detailed information on how to access UseNet from your
} favorite browser and how to post your message in at least 200
} newsgroups.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mail filter.


948-09    (5klma dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                     This question intentionally left blank

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, oui, ze classic example of ze futility of ze modern age. It is
} almost Kantian in ze way it conveys sterility and emptiness, ze
} lack of information in information systems. Language as anti-
} language, meaning both nossing and everysing. Truly ze work of a
} giant of modern writing.
}
} This answer intentionally Left Bank.


948-10    (bnqf3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, there, Orrie, babe.
>
> Yes, you!
>
> *prod* Hello?
>
> Ah! THERE you are.
>
> <question mode>
> Oh, Oracle, most wise, please tell me why two consecutive digests
> contained the same question, with different answers.
>
> Many thanks!
> </question mode>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because two answers are better than one!
} Because two answers are better than one!


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