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Internet Oracularities #949

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Internet Oracularities #949    (93 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 09:26:49 -0500 (EST)

@@@ Happy Birthday, Internet Oracle!
@@@
@@@ The Internet Oracle celebrated it's 8th birthday Wednesday, 8 October
@@@ 1997.  Best wishes to all the supplicants, incarnations, priests
@@@ voters, and readers -- you are the Oracle.

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   949
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

949   93 votes bCtc3 aosn8 6wqq3 4cqwj btvg6 37Evc 6bzub 5szg9 5eqBb 6gmpo
949   3.1 mean  2.5   2.9   2.9   3.5   2.8   3.5   3.3   3.0   3.4   3.5


949-01    (bCtc3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I am soon going to the gynecologist for the first
> time.  What is going to happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A gymecologist, hmm?
}
} Well, when I was in Oracular graduate school, I knew somebody who was
} studying the ecology of gyms.  His major interest was in the molds and
} fungi growing in the showers.  Not to mention the staph cultures you
} could find growing in the lockers.  Then there was the air flow
} problems you got from the guys punching holes in the partitions to see
} into the girls' side.  I personally was horrified to learn that the
} effects of the UV radiation from gymnasium lighting were just...
}
} What's that, Zadoc?  A GYNecologist?  Oh, well...
}
} When I was in Oracular divinity school, my roomate was studying the
} ecological niches occupied by gyns...
}
} You owe the Oracle a better hearing aid.


949-02    (aosn8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great keeper of the cheese, finder of lost gloves, stitcher of time,
> etc:
>
> Why is that chicken in the bread pan, kicking out dough?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To get to the other side?    [rimshot]
}
} Seriously, though, that chicken is venting its frustration at the
} sad turn of events its life has taken.  Born and raised in the
} Vatican City, it was purchased by a visiting baker and taken to
} its new home in America.  The chicken had heard many tales of
} America: its streets paved with golden corn, sports stadiums
} and publishers named after its species (such as Henway Park and
} Bantam Books), and so on; so it looked forward with anticipation
} to the new life it was to have.
}
} But to its dismay, it soon found that its life was confined to
} wandering around the baker's kitchen, being warned not to cross
} the road, and hearing the baker and his wife speak with concern
} about the possibility that their young boy (just entering
} puberty) would soon begin choking it!
}
} As you can imagine, this was quite a different turn of events
} than it expected, so in its bitterness it decided to ruin the
} livelihood of the baker who had devastated its life.  It wanted
} to turn to a life of crime as an evil supervillain, but (lacking
} hands) it had no way to put a capon.  [rimshot]
}
} So it has to content itself with its meager revenge, ruining
} batch after batch of dough by kicking it out of the bread pans.
}
} After all, you shouldn't mistreat the Chicken of the See...


949-03    (6wqq3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, obscenely Oracular:
>
>       I just received a supplication which I submitted a perfectly good
> answer to a couple days ago.  However, the supplicant had the nerve to
> resubmit the question!  Isn't that an outrage?
>
>       Anyway, I was just wondering what the proper response is when one
> receives a metaphorical slap in the face of this sort.  Should I:
>
>    * commit hara-kiri?
>    * dedicate my life to the destruction of the fiendish fool?
>    * get in a RoyalRage (tm) and WHIP OUT AN UZI and spray the place?
>    * do 100 Hail Orries and promise never to offend again?
>    * eat a quart of Ben and Jerry's and forget the whole thing?
>
> Thus far, my inclination is towards the last response, but then, that's
> *always* my inclination.  So, what should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} I understand your rage.  However you must understand that some people
} are not as intellectually equipped as yourself and therefore must ask
} the same question over and over again in order to understand the
} answer.
}
} In future when you happen across a similar situation, conduct the
} following ceremony:
}
} 1. Stand up.
} 2. Take the nearest cylindrical object and insert it up your left
}    nostril.
} 3. Run around a tight circle shouting "whoop, whoop, look at my
}    grapefruit".  Repeat three times.
} 4. Stand completely still. Place your right hand in the air and scream
}    "Jello" at your PC\Mac
} 5. Sit down.
}
} This process with either; (i) cause the sender of the recurring
} question to lose control of their bladder, or (ii) make you so
} embarrassed that you forget about the stuttering supplicant.
}
} You owe the oracle three hundred words on the relationship between
} stupidity and ones' proximity to a senator at the time of birth.
}
} BTW Stay away from the B&J.  Its been proven to increase navel lint.


949-04    (4cqwj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Powerful Oracle, who can get himself out of anything he gets into
> without breaking a sweat, please answer my humble question.
>
> I am a British secret agent. So far I have:
>
> - Been in a knife fight on the outside of an airborne aircraft (3
>      times).
>
> - Disarmed 15 bombs (5 nuclear) within 5 seconds of detonation by
>      yanking a wire and praying.
>
> - Been captured by the enemy on every single mission. However, they
>      decide not to just shoot me, but explain their evil plan, and then
>      kill me creatively, for example, chaining me to a nuclear bomb.
>      (see previous note)
>
> - Jumped from an airplane seconds before impact 12 times.
>
> - Been in four fist fights with guys who keep smiling when you hit them
>      in the head with a steel bar (I think they like it).
>
> - Had sex with hundreds of women without getting any nasty diseases.
>
> - Had over 47,000,000 bullets, 500 rockets, and a heat seeking missile
>      shot at me. (They all missed)
>
> - (lots of other stuff, I could go on all day)
>
> - I have yet to get my hair messed up.
>
> Am I pushing my luck?
>
>                               Sincerely, James Bond 007.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So, meester Bond, we meet at last.
}
} I have heard much of your illustrious career.
} Such a shame you must soon be taking early retirement. Mu ha ha ha.
}
} Would you care for a drink? My personal assistant Zadoc is expert at
} mixing dry martinis.
} A cigarette? A - ah. No, I insist, have one of mine.
}
} Let me tell you a little of my operations here, before Zadoc
} introduces you to my pet Behemoth.
}
} Behind you, in this vast room, my operations staff are controlling the
} release of my oracularities to the world.
} Each incomprehensible flashing light represents another message
} winging its way to an unsuspecting supplicant.
}
} Little do they know that the pattern made by the contents spread
} across the globe, form an intricate circuit that in five minutes time
} will cause the sea level to rise by 9000 feet, killing everyone except
} those of us here in my subterranean headquarters!
}
} Incidentally, this console here with the prominent red button is
} connected to a large self-destruct device, just in case I need to blow
} up my hideout for any reason. Not that any reasons spring to mind, you
} understand.
}
} Anyhow, enough of this idle chit-chat. It is feeding time in my
} mythical menagerie. Perhaps you would care to take part in the feeding
} process? Mu ha ha ha.
}
} Zadoc, Take him away.
} Wait!  Don't unlock his handcuffs yet! No! You fool!
}
} Aaach! Not the red button! You madman, Bond! Now we shall all be
} killed!
} (excepting those of us who have a personal escape submarine, naturally)
}
} Curses! Foiled again! No matter, I will return!
}
} You owe the Oracle a brand new island paradise, and a course of acting
} lessons.


949-05    (btvg6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Really you supplicants are losing your respect for me.  No grovel no
} decent question.  Anyway I will answer it.
}
} The imagery seen in this question harks back to the Nazca lines in the
} Mexican desert.  These lines were put down to guide the gods from other
} planets to Earth to dispense knowledge and wisdom.  Or so people think.
} Supplicant, you may already know that these lines are in fact a hoax.
} Like the crop circles in the UK I put these lines here, it's kind of an
} etch-a-sketch for the gods, just we forgot to shake the planet around
} to remove them.  Last time we did clear the lines away so we could have
} another game of battleships all the dinosaurs disappeared so we figured
} we'd better not do it again.  That's why they appear all over the
} place.
}
} You owe the Oracle a minature of Stonehenge.


949-06    (37Evc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most/least and otherwise.
> Explain this to me.
>
> Considering Entropy, why does life exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suppose there's really only one way to find out:  Hold on a sec --
}
} [click]
}
} Okay, entropy's off.  Let's see what effects we can discover.
}
} [The Oracle walks outside to the IU campus, where a flustered motorist
} is sitting in his car.]
}
} Oracle:  Good day, sir!  Have you noticed any unusual side effects
}     that might be explained by a sudden lack of entropy?
}
} Motorist:  A lack of what?
}
} O:  Entropy.  The stuff that makes perpetual motion impossible?
}
} M:  Never heard of it.  All I know is that my car won't shut off.
}
} O:  Well, of course!  Without any entropy, it --
}
} M:  Look, I'd love to sit and talk, but I'm wasting gas here.
}
} O:  You're not really burning the gas any more.  See, the pistons --
}
} M:  [drives off]
}
} O:  How rude!  Here comes another student now, coasting along on her
}     rollerblades.  Excuse me, miss, I wonder if I might have a minute
}
} Rollerblader:  HELP!  I CAN'T SLOW DOWN!  AIYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
}     [skates past the Oracle]
}
} O:  What's gotten *in* to these people?  Maybe this fellow will help:
}
} Physics student:  Hey dude, what's with the toga?
}
} O:  Never mind what I'm wearing.  Have you noticed any unusual effects
}     lately?
}
} P:  You mean like things being frictionless and stuff?
}
} O:  Yes!  Now, how does that relate to your existence?  Does it give
}     you any existential sense of meaning?
}
} P:  Yeah, it makes my physics homework a lot easier.
}
} O:  Come again?
}
} P:  Look at this problem:  "A 50kg mass is attached to a frictionless
}     pulley at the top of a 60 degree slope...."  Before I would have
}     had to do a bunch of math to solve this problem.  Now all I need is
}     a 50kg mass and a steep hill.
}
} O:  I suppose that's something.
}
} To answer your question, supplicant, it appears that, without entropy,
} things would be even more chaotic than before -- unless you're a
} physics student, in which case they'd be easier.  I don't know if that
} answers your question, but there it is.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reminder to turn entropy back on.


949-07    (6bzub dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty meteorological one, why is it so hot in Texas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hell is outsourcing, and Texas put in the lowest bid.
}
} Many of the damned are complaining, however, that they would never
} have sinned had they known that they would be condemned to eternal
} Texas. Sartre's comment, "Hell is other people", is nowhere more
} true than there. Satan has promised a full review, but since his
} demons are currently being Facilities Managed by Andersen
} Consulting, don't expect any quick decisions. Or indeed, any
} decision at all.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ticket out of "The Morning Star State".


949-08    (5szg9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most high, please tell me how one can bring an end to the
> 'TellyTubbies'.
>
> Alternatively, if you're incarnated as one of our colonial friends,
> 'Barney' would be a good substitute for disposal.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, it can't be done.  I received this exact question from someone
} last year sometime.  The "colonial friends" comment got me thinking.
} I realized, much to my surprise, that the Limeys do still have a few
} minor colonies scattered here and there that they haven't lost yet.  So
} I rounded up the TellyTubbies AND Barney, took them to my favorite
} British colony, and buried them alive.
}
} In retrospect, Mount Soufriere was probably not the best location.
}
} At the first eruption of this supposedly-extinct volcano, the victims
} were forcibly ejected from their tombs.  They nearly achieved a
} geosynchronous orbit before landing in Japan.  Splashdown was
} in the middle of a highway, directly between an electronics plant
} and the place that makes all the "Hello Kitty" stuff.  They were
} bruised and itching for revenge.
}
} Six months later, the first Tamagotchi hit the market.  Now they've
} reached the USA.  If they're not in Britain yet, it's surely only
} a matter of a very small amount of time.
}
} Be afraid, supplicant, be very afraid.
}
} The worst part is that I can never show my face in Monserrat (what's
} left of it) again.
}
} You owe the Oracle a British colony, someplace warm and volcano-free.


949-09    (5eqBb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Omniscient Oracle who knows my question before it has even formed
>      in my mind, answer this. What will my third next question be?
>
>      Please accept my fourth question in payment.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ********************** OERT Advisory Bulletin *********************
}
} The Oracle Emergency Response Team (OERT) has become aware of the
} following security threat to all Oracle versions.
}
} Summary
} -------
}
} A program known as 'Lobotomize_Oracle' has been detected in one
} of our Oracle systems. This program exploits a bug common to all
} Oracle versions resulting in a compulsive desire to answer any and all
} questions posed by a 'supplicant'. Programs such as 'Lobotomize_Oracle'
} are so sophisticated as to pass the Turing Test, resulting in grave
} security vulnerabilities in the target Oracle. The program in question
} will frame a question in the form of a payment; 'Lobotomize_Oracle'
} has been decompiled and the resulting code ('supplicant.c') has been
} found to contain an infinitely iterating loop in which the 'payment'
} question will pose another (n+1) question along with a payment in
} the form of yet another (n+2) question.
}
} Impact
} -------
}
} This program will result in a denial-of-service attack against the
} target Oracle, preventing it from answering legitimate questions.
} Older generation Oracles may as well dump core, resulting in a further
} security breach, allowing the supplicant-hacker Oracle root access.
}
} Fixes
} ------
}
} A patch has been designed which will provide the target Oracle with
} the following code: 'According to the Oracle Systems Manual, Version
} 132e+12 (Patch Level 12058), the Oracle is not obliged to answer any
} questions posed to him/her which are framed in the form of a payment.
} This directive supercedes all previous versions of the OSM.'
}
} Upon application of this patch, a copy of this bulletin will be sent
} in reply to the suppicant-hacker as well as to all oracle.security.*
} newsgroups. In addition, the following line will be appended to the
} message: 'Payment: You owe the Oracle a cure for the 'Good Times!'
} virus.'
}
} It is also recommended that the supplicant-hacker be sent a rousing
} ZOT! up the ol' IO-port.
}
} ****************** End of Bulletin ********************************
}
} Payment: You owe the Oracle a cure for the 'Good Times!' virus.


949-10    (6gmpo dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle,
>   Why O Why is it so hard to find a good nickel candy bar anymore?
>
> Perplexed and Poor

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There never has been a good nickel candy bar.  You just end up breaking
} your teeth.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good cobalt lollipop.


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