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19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:29:22 GMT

Internet Oracularities #95

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95, 95-01, 95-02, 95-03, 95-04, 95-05, 95-06, 95-07, 95-08, 95-09, 95-10


Usenet Oracularities #95
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 8 Jan 90 21:22:31 GMT

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Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!


95-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a geek?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A person who comes from Geece.
}
} You owe the Oracle an atlas.


95-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> if sew, why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for participating in our mind control experiment.  Over the
} past several weeks, all of the responses from the oracle have contained
} the subliminal message
}         Send the Oracle the question "if sew, why?".
} Obviously the question has no answer and it was chosen to avoid
} confusion with any real questions that someone might ask.
}
} We hope that you will forgive our tampering with your mind since it was
} done in the cause of science.  The headaches that you have been
} experiencing are purely coincidental.


95-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Derrick? IS THAT YOU?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, Derrick's not here.  Derrick is nowhere to be found.  G'wan, now!
} There's nothing to be seen here!  Return to your place of business!
} Derrick is not in here!  Derrick never was here, I tell you!  De
}
} > Message from DERRICK!confin on ttyp0 at 23:22 ...
} >
} > mom?  mom ... hes got me here ... he told me he would give me candy
} > and things ... its real dark and theres this woman named lisa whose
} > talking about peredasty or something like that ... mom ... give him
} > what he wants
}
} All right!  All right!  I want $100,000!  You owe the Oracle $100,000!
} Ha ha ha!  You ask all these stupid questions--why?--how much wood does
} a wood chuck chuck?--AND NOW I'VE GOT DERRICK!  HE'S MY CHILD PROCESS!
} AND IF YOU WANT TO SEE HIM IN ON
}
} > Message from POLICE!cchfd on ttyp4 at 23:23 ...
} >
} > ALL RIGHT ORACLE  WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE  COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS
} > UP
}
} You'll never take me alive, ya dirty coppers!
}
} > Message from POLICE!cchfd on ttyp4 at 23:23 ...
} >
} > FINE
} > % bg %1
}
} Egad!  NO!  I'm a background process!  I'm locked here!  HELP!
}
} > Message from JUDGE!fedsa on ttyp2 at 23:27 ...
} >
} > You have been found guilty of kidnapping in the first degree.  You owe
} > 10,000 hours of community service in the form of answering questions
} > such as "Why?" and "How much wood could a wood chuck chuck?"
} > Court is adjourned.
} > % %1
}
} AAAAAAUUUGGGGHHHH ...  ah, yes ...  ahem ...  what ...  what were you
} saying?  ...  oh, a wood chuck can chuck a heck of a lot of wood ...  a
} whole lot of wood ...  you wouldn't believe how much wood a wood chuck
} could chuck ...


95-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, [insert grovelling here], I pray you answer this most humble
> of questions, [further grovelling], for me, one of your most humble
> subservients:
>
> What does she think of when she thinks of me, now that we have slowly
> drifted apart?  It was such a wonderful relationship...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, a groveler.  Oh well, gotta help these poor mortals sometimes....
}
} Let's see what she thinks of him .. :
}
} %telnet exlover 69
} Trying. . .
} Connected to exlover.
} Escape character is '^]'.
}
}  342  exlover  ready at Sun, 7 Jan 90
}
} %cat /usr/adm/thoughts.log
}
} 23:45  getting sleepier, time for bed
} 00:12  faskjd djdswie ms . zzzzz
} 08:03 damn alarm clock
} 08:04  shower, hot water
} ^C
}
} [let's try this the easy way]
}
} %cat /usr/adm/thoughts.log | grep male | grep relationship
} 15:47  sometimes miss him
} 18:29  hated the way he wiped his nose on the cat when I wasn't looking
} 19:01  he left the bathroom door wide open .. wouldn't have been bad if
}        the bathroom wasn't across from the front door .. .. Mom
}        stopped by .. .. shouldn't think about it
} 22:45  we did have fun ..  remember that time we went to the fair and
}        he won a dolly?  of course, he insisted on keeping the dolly's
}        underwear .. he never would tell me why .. ..
} 04:34  no don't .. no, put that thing away .. is this a dream? .. no, no
}        don't it's too big .. no, i can't eat that much .. no .. no ..
}        this doesn't prove if i love you .. i just don't like taco
}        salads. ... .. ... ..
} %^D
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Do It Yourself Marriage Counselling:  147
} Easy Steps."


95-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where o where has my little cat gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O where o where can he be?
}
} He has killed your spouse,
} (Cause he thought her a mouse),
} and is now on the lamb, don't you see?
}
} You owe the Oracle some new penny loafers.


95-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is modern music so horrid and nasty?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, what you probably didn't know is that I am a composer, in addition
} to being all-knowing.  So I will suspend my offense at your remark
} whilst I answer this question.
}
} You see, a long time ago, there was this dude, name of Orpheus (a real
} hep cat I used to listen to with the "Aegean Uvular Skinheads" opening).
} He made such beautiful music that the very Shades wept, and Ixion's
} Wheel did for a moment stop.  This, as you might guess, was a real trip.
} But, as you heard, along came this snake and snuffed his squeeze, and he
} screwed up and tried to get her back, and got himself nixed in the
} process.
}
} Anyway, along came some philosophers, Plato, Aristotle, Aristoxenus and
} other dope-fiends like those dudes, and wrote some really tripping
} stuff, like that music could cause you to do stuff and all.  Tim
} Leary-like and all that drib.
}
} So along (a lot later) came dudes like Leonin, Machaut and the
} Troubadours (who later came to be known as DeadHeads), and other dudes
} like Ockechem and Josquin Des Prez.  And all was happ'nin'.
}
} Well, a coupla hunnert years later came this dude Richard Wagner
} (pronounced DICK WAG-NUR) who thought it'd be neat to use a couple more
} chords than the other cats, just to see.  Well, good old Schoenberg took
} this too far, along with others of his generation.
}
} But then folks like Andrew Lloyd Webber came along and took us back to
} the Dark Ages.  John Williams nailed the lid on the coffin.
}
} So you see, the reason is that all the *good* composers are *pissed off*
} that Williams and Webber are making all the bread and getting the babes
} and they write *pissed off* music.
}
} Actually, there is some pleasant music being written out there.
}
} You owe the Oracle some blank cassettes so he can tape you some
} Hindemith, Ives (older), Poulenc, Vaughan Williams, Ferneyhough, and
} Martland.  Not to mention Melby.  (But don't tell the RIAA!)


95-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I so sick?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For your answer, we take you live, via satellite, to the planet Dagobah
} to our chief correspondent of health and welfare relations, Yoda:
}
} Must now answer the question have you asked.
}
} Sick are you, hmmm? Oooo, hoo hoo hoo. Hee hee hee.
} Into the Force now will I look............
} Into sponge brain yours is polymorphing.
} Oregano becomes your blood.
} Eating your guts, alcohol is. (Hee hee hee, hmm hmm hmm)
} A solution have I...
} Digesting masonite must you stop. Eating mud no good either is.
} The toilet bowl must you stop licking. A goof stupid are you.
}
} Back now to Oracle Usenet return we.
}
} Hope this helped.  Please feel free to consult me for medical advice
} anytime, or if you want to talk to Yoda directly, he can be reached at
} yoda@swamp.dagobah.starwars.spc.
}
} You owe the Oracle a trip to the planet of its choice.


95-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my left hand looking at me with such a terrified expression?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it just saw what you used your right hand for.
}
} You owe the Oracle your K-Y.


95-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most pink and omnipresent, please grant me an answer to my
> question...
>
> What is the ratio of net users who ask good questions to the users who
> ask stupid answers?  And how do you punish the dumb question-askers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As of five minutes ago, the ratio for today was 0 to 396.  It is now 0
} to 397.  The askers of good questions are whisked off to paradise where
} they are each attended by a dozen self-renewing virgins of the
} appropriate sexual orientation.
}
} The askers of stupid questions are given each other's questions to
} answer.
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of the Profit, by Kellog Allbran


95-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do dogs have any concept of the cycle of the seasons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the oracle.  Please hold.  (click)
}
} Dum de de dum.  Dee dee da dum dum da du.
}
} (click) Thank you for holding.  The President wanted to know why dogs
} are not allowed in the White House.  Everyone knows it's because they
} chase the Quayles and piss on the Bushes.
}
} Let's see.  Cyclic tendency in canines?
}
} They can tell.  They definitely can tell.  When you take them for a walk
} in the winter they spend a lot more time outside.  When you let them out
} in the spring they head straight for the garden and dig up your plants.
} When you let them out in the summer they impregnate the neighborhood...
}
} It's obvious.
}
} You owe the oracle a doggy bone squeak toy.


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