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Internet Oracularities #950

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950, 950-01, 950-02, 950-03, 950-04, 950-05, 950-06, 950-07, 950-08, 950-09, 950-10


Internet Oracularities #950    (100 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 14 Oct 1997 07:59:47 -0500 (EST)

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   950
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

950  100 votes 6mMg8 7lqom 3dyF9 6cDqh 68vov fqxi8 kwwb5 5fBud 9vDd8 fqsgf
950   3.1 mean  3.0   3.3   3.4   3.4   3.7   2.8   2.5   3.3   2.8   2.9


950-01    (6mMg8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderful Oracle, whose souffles never fall, who knows how
> many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, please tell
> me:
> How old are you? I was under the impression that your omnipotence has
> guided many throughout the centuries, but Digest #949 informed me that
> you are a mere eight years old! I find it difficult to believe that my
> car is older than you, so could you clear up the confusion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've been around much longer than the internet, that's for sure!  I
} wasn't always the Internet Oracle, you know.  Before that I was the
} Postal Oracle, and a while before that the Pony Express Oracle.  In
} fact, just looking at my resume you can trace me back past Smoke Signal
} Oracle, Word Of Mouth oracle, and Throw Carved Slab Of Stone In Ocean
} And Wait For Response Oracle.  The truth is, I'm much older than your
} car, sonny Jim, and I've still got my original teeth!


950-02    (7lqom dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <HTML><PRE><BODY BGCOLOR="#ffffff"> <FONT COLOR="#ff0000"
> SIZE=3>"PLEASE DO NOT REPLY
> REMOVE"</FONT><FONT COLOR="#000000" SIZE=3>
>
> LEARN HOW TO START A BUSINESS </P><P ALIGN=JUSTIFY> A Business is built
> with your efforts and
> hard labour. The first and most important is advertisement, because
> without that you have no
> business. Second, you have to be willing to take that chance. Everyone
> is afraid of being beat,
> even myself. What I have learned throughout the years of operating a
> business is that "Nothing
> is Free". Sometimes you may wonder why some businesses are successful
> and some are not. The
> reason is that; the successful businesses took that chance. So my
> advice to you is, if you are the
> one that is afraid to take a chance to make your business successful,
> do not participate in this
> one time offer. I have put together this unique plan that does not
> require no special skills. All
> for only $10.00 and it's 100% guaranteed. I am offering 100,000 E-MAIL
> ADDRESSES (ALL CURRENT
> LISTING) along with ! The Mass Mailer Demo that would let you send your
> 100,000 E-mail Addresses
> out (NO SPECIAL SOFTWARE REQUIRED). ALL FOR ONLY $10.00. 100%
> Guaranteed. The reason why this
> is so low-priced is that I want you to be able to take that chance. I
> strongly believed that you
> have to invest to see how prosperous your return could be. So, if you
> want to advertise your
> business through the internet exchange, start with only $10.00. Order
> now and save, it's an
> offer that you want regret. Make CHECK or MONEY ORDER payable to:
> </P><P ALIGN=LEFT>EDWARD
> MUENSTRE 3131 MOCKINGBIRD ROAD. SARASOTA, FL FOR FASTER
> SERVICE SEND $10.00 CASH OR
> MONEY ORDER!!!! YOUR PRODUCT WILL BE SEND VIA E-MAIL, SO PLEASE INCLUDE
> ALL INFORMATION.
>
> TITLE 18 SECTIONS 1302 AND 1341 SPECIFICALLY STATES: "PRODUCTS OR
> SERVICES MUST BE EXCHANGED
> FOR MONEY RECIEVED."
>
> <FONT COLOR="#0f0f0f" BACK="#fffffe" SIZE=3> </FONT></FONT><FONT
> COLOR="#000000"
> BACK="#FFFFFF" SIZE=3>
>
> <FONT COLOR="#000000" SIZE=3> </PRE></HTML>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In-class Essay #3
} 10 October 1997
} Oracular Studies 310: Oracular Technical Communications
} Graded by TA #: 007
} Graded by TA Name: Zadoc Worm
}
} FORM (15 points possible)
}
} 0 1 2 3 4 5  The essay has accurate spelling and grammar throughout.
}     ^
}       Comments: Generally okay, but far too many idiosyncracies in an
}                 essay for a class at this level, such as "recieved,"
}                 "an offer that you want regret," (even Freudian slips
}                 are unacceptable), "does not require no special
}                 skills."  In addition, Silly British Spellings, such as
}                 "labour," are maintained throughout.  You really need
}                 work in this area; a 2 in this category is inexcusable.
}
} 0 1 2 3 4 5  The essay is neat and easy to read.
}   ^
}       Comments: Unacceptable.  The margins are all over the place.
}                 There is flagrant over-use of capital letters.
}                 Exclamation points are also abused.  In addition,
}                 there are several irrelevant and obscure markings on
}                 the page (e.g. </PRE>).  Your last two essays were much
}                 better in this regard.  What happened?
}
} 0 1 2 3 4 5  The essay meets all the requirements of the assignment.
}       ^
}       Comments: I realize that you were pressed for time, this being an
}                 in-class essay and all, but you could have done
}                 better.  On the very first line of your assignment
}                 sheet you'll note that it requests "a five paragraph
}                 essay, with a clear introduction, body, and
}                 conclusion."  While you made some efforts at
}                 conclusion, and "five paragraph" is probably too
}                 constrictive of a requirement, a one-paragraph essay is
}                 really inadequate.
}
} CONTENT (30 points possible)
}
} 0 1 2 3 4 5  The essay has a gripping opening and summarizing
}       ^      conclusion.
}       Comments: Probably your weakest contentual areas.  Even ignoring
}                 those irrelevant and almost surrealistic asides which
}                 are concentrated most heavily at either end of the
}                 paper, a sentence (well, a fragment, really) like
}                 "Learn how to start a business" is not a very
}                 compelling opener. Perhaps a more narrative
}                 introduction, featuring the reader wallowing in his or
}                 her new-found wealth after following the techniques
}                 outlined in the essay, would be more effective.  Also,
}                 the closing section, where the conclusion would
}                 presumably be located, discusses "Title 18," which is
}                 not referred to in the body of the work at all--this
}                 clearly does not fulfill the requirement for a
}                 "summarizing conclusion."
}
} 0 1 2 3 4 5  The essay has a clear thesis, which is stated concisely in
} 6 7 8 9 10   the introduction of the work and restated in the
} ^            conclusion.
}       Comments: This is problematic.  I do not want to deduct any more
}                 points for things you were penalized for elsewhere.
}                 However, your lack of a clear introduction and definite
}                 conclusion make this a difficult area to grade.  I
}                 don't think your thesis ever *is* stated, but that may
}                 only be a function of your formal difficulties.
}
} 0 1 2 3 4 5  The essay's arguments are intrinsically strong.
}   ^
}       Comments: Again, other faults of the essay make this
}                 difficult to grade.  Being uncertain as to what your
}                 thesis is, your arguments are difficult to determine.
}
} 0 1 2 3 4 5  The arguments contained within the essay are thoroughly and
} 6 7 8 9 10   logically developed.
} ^
}       Comments: I'm tempted to give this area an even lower score, but
}                 given what arguments you have, I suppose they're
}                 well-developed.
}
} GRADER DISCRETION (5 points possible)
}
} 0 1 2 3 4 5  Miscellaneous components of this essay are satisfactory.
}   ^
}       Comments: Here, I'm going to concentrate on the title.  While
}                 "Please Do Not Reply Remove" is creative--I'll give you
}                 a point for that--it has little bearing on the essay.
}                 If this were a creative writing class, I might accept
}                 it (as well as those bizarre "</HTML>"'s and the like)
}                 as some sort of surrealist commentary on the futility
}                 of man's life.  However, in Oracular Communication,
}                 something more concrete and less nonsensical (Is that
}                 supposed to be, "Please Do Not Reply, 'Remove?'") is
}                 required.
}
} Overall Grade: 23/50 points  A A- B+ B B- C+ C C- D+ D D- F
}                                                           ^
}       Comments: This is a very poor essay.  Another effort this bad and
}                 I'm afraid that you shall be removed from the Oracle
}                 program and into the Priest/TA/SysAdmin program.  And
}                 believe me, you *don't* want that to happen.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better essay.


950-03    (3dyF9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mmoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
>
> Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmooooooooooooooooooo!
>
> Mmoooo mooo moo moo mooooooooo mmmmmmmmmoo moo mooomoo.  Mmmmmmmoooooo!
> Mmooo!  Moooooo moo moo mooo mmmmooo mooo mmoo  mmmooooo, mmmmmooo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, well!  A cow who knows Morse code.  Just goes to show, if you
} wait long enough, you'll see everything.  Okay, let's translate this
} question into regular ASCII.
}
} T
} T
} HMS T E BDT T
}
} Oh well.  You got the Morse code OK, but your spelling still leaves a
} little to be desired.  Nevertheless, that's not bad at all for a cow.
} Keep at it--I'm sure you'll be able to master this language thing in
} time.
}
} The answer to your question, though, is no.  The daisies on the other
} side of the fence actually taste exactly the same as the ones in your
} own meadow.  Pay no attention to that old goat; he's just trying to
} make you envious.
}
} You owe the Oracle a game of bullhockey.


950-04    (6cDqh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle eruditer than any other, when you answered my question about
> cricket (which was brillianter than any other sports answer ever
> given, of course) you said that I owed you a little easier question to
> explain, like particle physics or the infield fly rule in baseball.
>
> Particle physics I understand, but baseball has always been an
> impenetrable mystery to me; so, would you please explain the infield
> fly rule in baseball?  As I'm sure one of your omniscience knows, I
> know *nothing* about baseball except what I saw in the movie "Rudy."
>
> Thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The infield fly rule is actually quite simple.  Since the advent of
} televised games, only players in the outfield are permitted to scratch
} their crotches.
}
} You owe the Oracle an infield spitting rule.


950-05    (68vov dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Zadoc lunged for the controls.  The Wayback Machine was working all
> right, but it wasn't going in the direction he'd planned:  Instead of
> going backward through time, it was going sideways across the Indiana
> University campus.  Startled coeds dodged left and right as Zadoc
> struggled to master the machine.  Then, with a cry of triumph, he
> grabbed the "direction" lever and twisted hard, sending the machine to

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} the middle of a clearing in a primordial jungle he could never have
} imagined.  As the machine's fusion power unit bubbled to a halt, Zadoc
} looked around slowly, taking in his new surroundings.  With a growing
} fear, he realized his error in twisting the direction lever so quickly.
} His preprogrammed setting for the day before his Biology exam had been
} overridden.  As his darting eyes found the chronometer, the Biology
} answer sheet slipped from his fingers and drifted to the ground, now
} useless. Zadoc had transported himself to the year 10,000,000 BC.  And
} it would be a while before his familiar IU campus would appear on this
} spot.
}
} Desperate now, Zadoc leapt from the machine and dashed around the
} clearing. At first he tried thinking, then screaming, and finally
} simply panicking. In the end, he collapsed on the mossy ground and
} gasped in the humid air with wrenching sobs.
}
} Then, suddenly, Zadoc was aware that he was being watched.  Carefully
} he looked up, and his eyes met the small beady eyes of a primitive
} rodent. The animal sat motionless, observing Zadoc.  Another animal
} appeared beside it.  As Zadoc watched, rodent after rodent scampered
} silently into the clearing, as if waiting for him to do something.
}
} Uncertainly, Zadoc rose.  The animals regarded him coolly.  He shouted,
} "I am your leader!"  A few noses twitched, but the rodents kept their
} positions.  Zadoc smiled at their acceptance of his rule.  Gaining
} confidence, he began to march around the clearing.  "We will rebuild
} the campus!" he shouted.  "You, by the ferns, you will cut down trees.
} You, by the rocks, will move the timber into the clearing.  You, by the
} stream, will stack the timber to make a suitable university for me,
} your master!"
}
} Unfortunately, the rodents seemed not to understand English.  Zadoc
} snorted, then led them in groups and demonstrated their tasks.  He
} gnawed at a small tree until it toppled over.  He carried the tree in
} his mouth to the clearing.  Then he brought another tree and stacked it
} on top of the first.
}
} Gradually, the rodents understood.  First one, then another, followed
} Zadoc's lead and began the work he had mandated.  Rodents swarmed
} around the forest and the clearing, cutting, hauling, and stacking
} lumber.  Zadoc paced around the growing structures, directing the
} construction.  "Faster!" he shouted.  More and more rodents came to
} join the others.  Still Zadoc cried, "Faster!  Faster!"  He showed them
} how to fell the trees in half the time.  "And don't drag that wood!
} Chuck it!" he screamed.  "Toss it right over here!"  Soon logs were
} flying past him at a dizzying pace, the rodents learning rapidly how to
} chuck the wood efficiently.
}
} A smile began to appear on Zadoc's face as he recognized the shapes of
} the buildings where he had spent his wretched life.  But just as he
} began to enjoy the results of the rodents' labor, he sensed a distant
} bubbling sound nearby.  The sound grew louder and closer until he
} realized that another Wayback Machine was materializing right next to
} his.  His mouth hung open as he watched the second machine coalesce
} into solid matter.  Finally, he could identify the operator of the
} machine as -- Lisa!
}
} "Hop on, you worm," she said, before he could speak.  "Orrie just
} finished inventing the two-way machine, and is he ever ticked at you
} for making off with the one-way prototype!"
}
} The rodents had ceased their work when Lisa arrived.  It was in
} silence, then, that Zadoc trudged to the new machine and swung his leg
} over the seat behind Lisa.  As she deftly manipulated the controls, he
} watched the rodents' expressions.  Though his prehistoric campus might
} never be complete, he sensed that the skills he had taught the animals
} would remain locked away somewhere deep in their DNA, so that even
} millions of years from now, the rodents would know how to ...
}
} "By the way, what in the world were you doing with those animals?" Lisa
} asked over the noise of the fusion unit.
}
} "Um, nothing," said Zadoc.  "Nothing at all."
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to send the staff of Zot back in time.


950-06    (fqxi8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is an automated information message from Oracle, Inc.
} Your attempted mail delivery has failed due to the following reason(s):
}
}   [ ] Incorrect Email Address
}   [ ] No/Insulting grovel
}   [X] No/Stupid question
}   [ ] Stupid hotmail footer
}   [ ] Quoted question in answer
}   [ ] Real name/email in signature
}   [ ] I just don't like you
}
} Please remedy the above situation(s) for future mails, which will
} ensure the Oracle recieves all mail promptly and properly. Thank you.


950-07    (kwwb5 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pants.
> Hanson
>
> <if you can make something funny out of
> that you are ace-er-er than I thought>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O, joy! An opportunity to demonstrate that I am ace-er-er than a
} supplicant --- and I use the following term _very_ loosely -- thought.
} A supplicant who, it might be pointed out, failed not only to grovel,
} but to ask a question, thus managing to score 0 on both style and
} content -- a mark seldom accomplished by other than the null question,
} which is arguably more creative than the one at hand. Oh, I suppose
} there exist some circles in which taking the catch word from The Late
} Show's production credits and juxtaposing it with the last word in a
} series of mundane commercials which recently innundated US prime-time
} broadcast TV is considered clever. Be advised that this is not one
} of them.
}
} Tell ya what, lad. Try this:
}
} 1,2,3,4,5,__
}
} ...if you can fill in the blank, then _you_ are "ace-er-er" than _I_
} thought. You owe the Oracle a question and your undying gratitude
} for restraint of ZOT.


950-08    (5fBud dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the driving forces of earthquakes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quite weak, I'm afraid. The longest drive ever recorded by an
} earthquake was a shot off the tee at the fourth hole of the
} Rancho Mirage Country Club in Palm Springs, California, measured
} at 27 1/4 inches.
}
} (With the subsequent aftershocks, the quake managed a 317+ bogey.)
}
} You owe the Oracle Bob Hope's underwear.


950-09    (9vDd8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ?ssergorp yna ekam ot mees t'nod I taht ti si yhw ,elcarO ythgim hO

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} STEP PETS PETS
}
} For the "enlightened", that means, "One step forward, two steps back."
} (Which also happens to be the normal human condition.)  For the
} "unenlightened", that means, "Step on both of your pets."
}
} PETS PETS PETS
}
} This is you.  You are making less ssergorp because your three pets are
} eating all the ingredients.  I recommend you start stepping on them;
} that'll put them in their place. Heh.
}
} You owe the Oracle a veterinary degree.


950-10    (fqsgf dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think I am about to go insane.  What do you think, o violet Oracle?
> Should I go with the purple or the yuppie-flavored version of insanity,
> or simply load my brain with Windoze-95 like the aliens want?
>
> YOu owE the SUPPlicant an Oracle! yahahahaha!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <THUMP!><CRASH!>
}
} ZADOC!!! Here! Now!
}
} Quick, hold him down! No, don't sit on his head, fool! Sit on his
} crotch, he doesn't feel anything anyway. Yeah, right there, that's it.
}
} OK. Lisa! Brainzotter! Now! Zot him. Zot him good. We'll teach him to
} get high and insult me. OK, looks good, everything's in place. Now put
} that probe in there, down there. Move over, Zadoc. Just push a little
} harder... right. Give me that remote.
}
} <ZZZZZZZZOTTTTT!>
}
} Heavens. He's still twitching. Once more...
}
} <ZZZZZZZZZoTTTTTTTTTTT>... <ZOT!>
}
} That'll do the job. Let him go, Zadoc.
}
} Now, Mr. Gates, can you get up? That's it, easy does it. Can you me
} tell me your first name? No? That's OK, it'll come back real soon. You
} know the name of your company? No I guessed not. Well, you'd better go
} home now, don't you think? You don't know where home is? Somebody'll
} tell you, I'm sure. You'll be fine. In a century or so.
}
} Goodbye, Mr. Gates. Mind the windows.
}
} You owe the Oracle $ 75.000.000.000.


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