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Internet Oracularities #951

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951, 951-01, 951-02, 951-03, 951-04, 951-05, 951-06, 951-07, 951-08, 951-09, 951-10


Internet Oracularities #951    (100 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 16 Oct 1997 11:44:40 -0500 (EST)

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

951  100 votes 7Iwc5 2qBle 6jCra 8mtz6 4hzya 6byBc jxoi6 3orth 7nCp7 3crwq
951   3.1 mean  2.6   3.2   3.2   3.1   3.3   3.4   2.6   3.3   3.0   3.7


951-01    (7Iwc5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest Oracle, whose wealth of knowledge knows no bounds, I have a
> strange question that could use your guidance.
>       I am the creator of the comic strip Pet Peeves, and I am a friend
> of Vic Lee, the creator of I Need Help.  I have this little way of
> honoring the cartoonists who have had an impact on my life by using
> pictures from the backgrounds of their comics in mine.  I Need Help
> always uses the same picture of a cow in the background, which Vic says
> is his "understated ode to The Far Side".  So we know it has appeared
> in Pet Peeves, and I Need Help.
>       Then, a month later, I was looking at Far Side cartoons, and saw
> the SAME PICTURE in there.  I told Vic about it, and he didn't even
> know.
>       That was odd enough, but now I have found out it is even older
> than THAT.  I was looking through a book of Ancient Egyptian art, and
> the SAME PICTURE was in the background of a mural created thousands of
> years ago.
>       So what is up with this cow picture?  Why has it appeared in so
> many plaes, by artists who didn't even know it?  And has it appeared
> elsewhere?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yowza!  I've had to answer college freshmen's questions about the
} ubiquity of dead sheep in French literature for far too long, and now
} you give me cow pictures.  Honestly, supplicant, the symbolism you
} mortals are so concerned with baffles me.  Sometimes a cigar is just a
} cigar; likewise a cow is often just a vacuous cud-chewing potential
} hamburger and maybe a nice pair of boots.
}
} Okay, maybe for the Egyptians the cow was symbolic; it was a symbol
} that they were about to eat until they puked.  I mean you eat lentils
} and chickpeas all year 'round a little red meat can be kinda rich,
} knowhudimean?
}
} Well all right, symbolism has been discarded.  Now, cow pictures
} beyond symbolism: is there any meaning to this?  That is, this
} fixation on cows could have some cosmic significance.  Perhaps you,
} Larson, your pal Lee and the Egyptians have some weird connection that
} will either enlighten the world to the ancient mysteries or possibly
} send us all into distant depths of madness.  Perhaps the Pyramids
} weren't built just to sharpen razor blades.  Could be.
}
} You could just chalk it all up to the Infinite Lattice O' Coincidence.
} Or perhaps the Fundamental Inter-connectedness of All Things (tm).
} Whatever suits your fancy.
}
} Other than that, give or take a fatted calf or two, most cows are just
} your garden variety cloven-hoofed ruminators, good at producing
} flatulence and milk-shakes but not so strong on cosmic mysteries.
} Even in comix. Or else you guys need to stop "borrowing" from each
} other so much.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cartoon of himself slam-dunking a basketball.


951-02    (2qBle dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Darling Oracle,
>
> Please help me.
>
> I'm being chased by this mythical creature, only I don't want to be.
> How do I stop it ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dearest Supply-Wupply,
}
} Mythical creatures, eh? That used to be a pretty common problem a
} couple of millennia ago,  not so much call for info on those, these
} days. Let me dig out my notes.
}
} Oh dear. There seems to be rather a lot of advice, I'm afraid. Let's
} take a look at some of these.
}
} "Don't try and fight it, take off all your clothes, lie back and enjoy
} the experience".
} Hmmm, well that might work well enough if it's an Incubus or Succubus,
} but no use at all if you're facing the dreaded double-deccubus. No,
} come to think of it, it'll stop your underwear getting stained.
} Probably not what you're after though.
}
} Here's another one: "Find the part of the underbelly that doesn't have
} a jewel encrusted upon it, then fire an arrow at the exact spot".
} Heaven alone knows what beast this is supposed to kill. The barbarous
} Barbara Cartland monster, I suspect.
}
} What else have we got. Stuff it inside a lamp? Tricky... Put on a
} blindfold so it thinks it can't see you? Risky...There's something
} here about some vicious flying women from the north, blaring out
} Wagner, but I think that may have got cross-seeded with the
} how-to-write-a-Coppolla-movie oracularity.
}
} OK, here goes. I've combined the better looking advice into an easy to
} follow recipe.
}  You'll need:
}
} 1 fire brand,
} 1 large ball of twine,
} Some fishing nets,
} 1 sharp weapon made of silver,
} 1 sling
} 3 small stones,
} 1 12 oz Stake
} Garlic, to taste
}
} Pre-heat your brand to 260 degrees Celsius (gas mark 8)
}
} Making sure you don't meet  the mythical creature's gaze, use your
} sling to fire a small stone at its single eye, and when it is blinded
} use your fishing nets to bring it to the ground.
} After it has fallen, drive a stake through its heart, and decapitate
} it with your silver blade, branding the stump of the head after you've
} cut it off. Once it's dead, take it's head, and gallumph back the way
} you came, following the trail of string you remembered to leave on the
} way.
}
} There. Easy.
}
} You owe the Oracle the head you brought back.
}
} No... second thoughts you can keep it.


951-03    (6jCra dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me you sexy wee lassie,
>
> what're you wearing underneath all that finery ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While I don't quite know how to take being called a small collie dog,
} I'll tell you.
}
} Of course, the traditional garb of any self-respecting oracle is a
} flowing white robe. There has always been much speculation as to what
} is worn underneath. Guesses have ranged from "nothing" to "a nice tweed
} blazer" to "a kilt" (although that last one just leads to more
} questions).
}
} But the truth can be summed up in one word: WonderJock.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to keep your "Staff of ZOT" jokes to
} yourself.


951-04    (8mtz6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the solution to spam?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Probably 1 part SPAM to two parts HCl (hydrochloric acid).
}
} You owe the Oracle the solution to Barney the Dinosaur.


951-05    (4hzya dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sigh, ok once again.  Listen closely this time.
}
} First, you take the paper and hold it over an open flame.  A candle
} will do.  Don't get the paper too close to the flame; you're just
} trying to warm it gently not set fire to your house.
}
} After a few seconds, the lemon juice will start to turn brown and you
} can read the message.
}
} Now you can send messages in "invisible ink" to all of your friends!
}
} You owe the Oracle a lemon juice cartridge for my inkjet printer.


951-06    (6byBc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@U.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Orrie
>
> If I said you had a beautiful body,
> would you hold it against me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Such cheek.  So, what's a Supplicant like you doing in a place like
} this?
}
} No, I don't come here very often myself.  Occasionally, just
} to get away from it all after a hard day's work.  You know.
}
} For a living?  Well, it's difficult to explain.  You see, people
} ask me questions -- mostly about woodchucks, as it happens -- and
} I answer them.
}
} No, no it's not my first drink, actually.  Why do you ask?
}
} Thanks, I'd love another one.  So, what do you do?
}
} You ASK woodchuck questions?  Well, that's quite a coincidence,
} isn't--  oh, I see, that's, uh, that's very funny.  You had me
} going for a minute there.
}
} Sure, one more.  But that's my limit.  Two more and I'd be under
} the table.  Three and I'd be under the host.
}
} No, you see: I gave HER that line.  That's how it works, it's what
} I do.
}
} Yes, quite a few years ago.  I'm a bit older than I look, to be
} honest.
}
} Older than that, even.  I'd really rather not go into it.  Look, do
} you want to go back to my place?
}
} Great.  By the way, what did you say your name was?
}
} That's a nice name.  Lisa.  It rolls off the tongue.
}
} [And the rest is history.]
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Portable Dorothy Parker.


951-07    (jxoi6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@U.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise one who certainly doesn't need assistance but for those menial
> office chores of sorting and such...
>
> Tell me about those priest fellows who work for you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *sniffle*
} *sniffle*
}
} Whoa! You think just cutting them up is bad? Even thinking about
} minions makes me cry.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large order of McMinion Rings.


951-08    (3orth dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where do you come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Prepositionland is where I come from.  It's a place I'm very proud of.
} The people are nice and the families are large--there are lots of
} children to play with.  But that's probably not all you want to hear
} about.
}
} The scenery is gorgeous; it's the kind of beauty I go for.  The trees,
} after all, are healthy throughout.  This makes them very old, and very
} fun to play in.  The terrain is rather rugged, and tiring to climb on.
} However, this makes for many lovely scenes to look at.  The especially
} dramatic cliffs (which many of the trees rest upon) are breathtakingly
} steep, and would probably kill you if you jumped off.  Fortunately, the
} health care in Prepositionland is wonderful, and if you survived, they
} could probably heal you up.  If you didn't, well, they could always
} wheel you away.
}
} So, why don't you stop by?  Or at least drive through.  I'm sure that
} all the Prepositionateers would love to have you drop in.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more grammatically correct question to give the
} answer to.


951-09    (7nCp7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who deserves many more grovels than are delivered,
>
> Where did the phrase "keyed up" originate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you know, "keyed up" now carries connotations of excitement, energy,
} and enthusiasm beyond reasonable levels.  A little known fact is that
} the meaning carries over from the original design of the computer
} keyboard.  In 1695, the great Polish mathematician Dr. Wilhelm
} Gatschezky created several prototypes of a computational machine he
} called "Calculus 95".  One of his sources of trouble was the design of
} what we would now call the input mechanism.  Early experiments with
} mice resulted only in bites, disease, and an embarrassing overrun of
} the cheese budget.  A stained glass "Touchenzeskreene" proved too
} fragile.  Finally, borrowing concepts from Gutenberg's printing press
} and Marco Polo's trips to the Orient, Gatschezky invented a set of
} "keys" which could be depressed to set the machine's gears correctly.
} After several attempts, the optimal combination of comfort and
} responsiveness was attained by forming the keys from compressed opiate
} powder.
}
} For a brief time, Gatschezky's invention functioned brilliantly, but
} the machine's results were never published coherently.  His
} contemporaries recorded his sad propensity for working on the machine
} at all hours of the day and night, his hands flying furiously over the
} keys.  He would often be seen wandering about the university licking
} his fingers and snorting, loudly proclaiming the outrageous benefits of
} the next version of his machine.  As you might suppose, Gatschezky's
} state began to be known as "keyed up", and very little attention was
} paid to him.
}
} The whereabouts of Gatschezky's machines and writings are unknown
} today, and what success he might have had with later efforts is
} uncertain.  At least the legacy of the phrase "keyed up", coined in his
} honor, is alive and well in many of the marketing efforts we see today.
}
} You owe the Oracle an antidote for the "keyed up" marketeers of the
} world.


951-10    (3crwq dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, really wiser than the wisest of the wise, and wiser
> still, your wisdom is really wise.  Please help me.  I want to write my
> girlfriend something romantic.  Which programming language should I
> use?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to your question depends on which operating system your
} girlfriend is running.
}
} For girlfriends running xlife, the obvious answer is 'c'.  You may be
} tempted to use a shell script, but girlfriends are notoriously good at
} sensing shallowness.
}
} If your girlfriend runs off LOS (Life Operating System), you should
} look at using BASIC (Beginners All purpose Symbolic Intimacy Code).
} The speed of love exchange will not be high, but this is unavoidable.
}
} Girlfriends running VMS (Very Mild Sensuality) tend to be a bit
} old-fashioned, and will resist easy interface, but you can try COBOL
} (Common Old Boring Old Love)
}
} If you happen to come accross a girlfriend running Life95, you should
} be extremely careful.  Such a girlfriend may initially appear very
} attractive, but you will find yourself being gradually sucked into a
} vortex of failures and despair.
}
} Girlfriends running other operating systems do exist, but in this case
} it is reccomended that you consult their user manual before operating.
} Personal injury can occur if insufficient care is used.
}
} You owe the Oracle the latest version of LISA (Love In Sublime
} Abundance)


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