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Internet Oracularities #952

Goto:
952, 952-01, 952-02, 952-03, 952-04, 952-05, 952-06, 952-07, 952-08, 952-09, 952-10


Internet Oracularities #952    (103 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 21 Oct 1997 07:36:12 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   952
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

952  103 votes 4dtEh 4nCw6 3sJk7 2oGmd 7jxvd 6jAwa 8hDrc 5jKr6 8iHs6 75qDq
952   3.2 mean  3.5   3.1   3.0   3.2   3.2   3.2   3.2   3.1   3.1   3.7


952-01    (4dtEh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh glorious Oracle...who can stop a breach in any warp
> core without batting an eye.. please tell me:
>
> Exactly how many dimensions does this question pass
> through before it finally reaches you and does it get
> distorted in any way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No problem, the recipe for broiled pigs feet can be found on page 32 of
} the book.  Thanks for asking.
}
} Betty Crocker


952-02    (4nCw6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> a deeply beloved from days long gone by has miraculously
> returned into my life. A blissful event, I assure you! But
> unfortunately, she seems to be scared by her dreams and
> desires (and my own, for that matter). So much time has
> passed, you see, and so many harsh words have fallen. How
> should I proceed to win her heart back?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bet her pancreas on 19-Red.  You'll win her heart and spleen in return.
} By the way - tell her to remember in the future that her organ donor
} card *doesn't* mean they can take them right away.


952-03    (3sJk7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful, untunafishlike Oracle,
>
> Why was the CD audio standard created with allowances for both 5 inch
> and 3 inch CDs?  There is no reason that I can fathom to use the 3
> inch rather than the 5 inch version, so why have it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Untunapianolike supplicant:
}
} Because 3-inch CD's look cool.  And it's much more important to look
} cool than to be actually useful.  Take Windows-95 for instance...
}
} You owe the Oracle 3 inch CD that will mature in five years and pay at


952-04    (2oGmd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I WONDER IF YOU CAN ANSWER A QUESTION FOR ME.
> WHY DO SOME STATES USE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME AND SOME DO NOT.
> IS IT TRUE THE ARIZONA DOES NOT DO IT?
>
>  THANKS FOR YOUR TIME.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's take this one step at a time.
}
} > I WONDER IF YOU CAN ANSWER A QUESTION FOR ME.
}
} This isn't the best opener. . .a more complicated combo would have been
} more appropriate for an omniscient being with a delicate ego.  I mean,
} do you think your lack of faith in me is inspiring?
}
} > WHY DO SOME STATES USE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME AND SOME DO NOT.
}
} Daylight Savings Time?  Ah. . .you mean British Summer Time.  Silly
} American.
}
} Anyway, in 1972, various influential Americans got together in order to
} face a growing threat: you.  It was already obvious by then, O wormiest
} of supplicants, that you, with your breathtakingly unbridled stupidity,
} would cause the end of human existence if left unchecked.  So several
} ingenious plans were devised to contain you.
}
} First of all, the Caps Lock key on any keyboard you touched would be
} permanently enacted, so that everyone would have adequate warning as to
} be able to flee before you caused them harm.  (I can safely handle your
} drivel, but only because I'm immortal.)
}
} Second, you were never taught proper grammar.  This way, even if some
} poor soul should happen to fall into your clutches, he or she would not
} be able to understand your feeble attempts at communication, and not
} absorb any of your "thoughts."
}
} Thirdly--and here we reach the crux of the issue--all sorts of little
} idiosyncrasies were scattered about to puzzle you and occupy your mind
} (or your closest facsimile thereto).  The case of the lack of universal
} DST is a prime example.
}
} > IS IT TRUE THE ARIZONA DOES NOT DO IT?
}
} Didn't you ever watch that movie?  You *missed* a Holly Hunter movie?
} For shame.  I'm not going to tell you.  If you really care, rent the
} movie yourself.  By the way, if your writing were less
} stream-of-consciousness and antecedent-dependent, you'd be able to find
} out what you wanted to.  But wait!  That would counteract the 1972
} plans, wouldn't it?
}
} >  THANKS FOR YOUR TIME.
}
} You're welcome.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mirror and/or a copy of _The Ugly American_.  The
} experience is much the same. . .


952-05    (7jxvd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who needs some brushing up on his grammar,
>
> You often talk about how most of your "supplicants" have a problem with
> not groveling enough.  So, wouldn't the use of the term "supplicant" be
> an oxymoron, since a supplicant is "one who grovels?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry, supplicant, you must be using a mortal dictionary.
} In the Oracular Dictionary, the word "supplicant" is defined as "a
} sniveling little smart-assed worm who dares to bring its pathetic
} concerns before a greater being, typically an Oracle, without showing
} anything near the appropriate amount of respect, and often not even
} able to formulate its question correctly."
}
} So you can see that if there is a moron involved anywhere in the
} process, it's you, and others like you, who fail to grovel, or worse,
} cop an attitude with me.
}
} **** ZOT!!!! ****
}
} You owe the Oracle a picture of yourself as a little pile of ashes,
} so I can illustrate my entry for "supplicant".


952-06    (6jAwa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most onomatopoetic, whose every self-deprecating grumble is
> fraught with wisdom beyond mortals' understanding, please answer this
> for me:
>
> What goes "boing-thump-boing-thump-boing-thump-SPLAT"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh.... the sound of a W**dchuck bungee jumping,
} with too much cord and /somehow/.... the cord has broken.
}
} *sigh* We lose more w**dchucks that way.....
}
} You owe the Oracle more bungee cords.


952-07    (8hDrc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does "no" really mean no?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, no, "no" does *not* always mean "no".
}
} 1) Alternate Thursdays of every month, "no" means "save me".
} If you hear anyone saying "no" on an alternate Thursday, dial 911
} immediately if in an area that provides the 911 service; if not, dial
} the operator, or if the operator is unavailable or you do not have
} a phone, scream out "DOT-DOT-DOT DASH-DASH-DASH DOT-DOT-DOT" at the
} top of your lungs.  When someone answers, yell "I've been told no!"
} and hang up or run away.  They'll know where to reach you.
}
} 2) In Arizona, "no" means "I have fleas".  Curiously enough, Arizona
} also has problems with Martin Luther King Day and Daylight Savings
} Time.
}
} 3) Most of the time, however, when "no" does not mean "no", it means
} "not only no, but *hell no*, you imbecilic, drooling, sewage-smelling,
} nose-hair-growing, mannerless, desperate yard ape".  Use your own
} judgement when this alternate meaning might apply.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of whether "yes" really means "yes".


952-08    (5jKr6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wondrous oracle whose name translated into seven languages is still
> "oracle", oh keeper of the keys and guarder of the gates, oh miraculous
> heaven-sent omniscient wonder, I petition you.
>
> A green half-mask has appeared on the lab's corkboard.  Written across
> it in black marker is the legend:  "It's coming.  October 25th,
> 8pm-10pm."  I was about to set my digital watch when the obvious
> question arose:  What exactly is "it"?  I await with anxious
> clock-setting fingers.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's your next OSHA inspection.
}
} The regional inspector is a bit kinky, but *very* thorough.
} The Oracle recommends that you remove the Ant Farm from under
} your fume hood, as well as the gag sign on the water cooler reading
} "TRICHLOROETHYLENE CONTENT ~550 ppm -- DO NOT USE FOR INFANT
} FORMULA!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a Jack O'Lantern carved from a 25-pound oak
} gall growing within 10 km of Chernobyl.


952-09    (8iHs6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most perspicacious and efficacious answerer of mysteries, I grovel
> at your feet and beg for insight in this most perplexing matter, for
> which my humble mind (and Rand McMally) is no match:
>
> Where the heck *are* the Halls of Montezuma, and how far *are* they
> from the Shores of Tripoli??
>
> My unending gratitude...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, Montezuma has a beach house at Tripoli.  And he keeps the
} Halls in the medicine cabinet.  For those recurring sore throats, you
} know.  The distance is about 80 yards.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tube of Vick's vapo rub to be applied by Cindy
} Crawford.


952-10    (75qDq dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > finger Oracle@cs.indiana.edu

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} YEEEOWW!!!!  Jeez, what did you do, soak the thing in ice water?
}
} You owe the Oracle a reference for a new proctologist.


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