953-08 (6bkxj dist, 3.5 mean)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> Oh Oracle most wise, I'm having some difficulty with an
> extremely important scientific project. Can you help me
> solve it, please? Let me explain...
> As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1
> degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this
> means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally
> consisting of water in large part), the natural processes
> which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during
> the digestive cycle literally suck the calories out of the
> only available source, your body fat.
> For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C
> (32.2 degrees F) will, in a short time, be raised to the
> normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 degrees F).
> For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes
> approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average
> dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by
> operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1
> cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body
> fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.
> Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the
> net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.
> Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you
> are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your
> This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer
> in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent
> calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz.
> portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the
> net calorie lss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It
> doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240
> calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the
> body in the process of drinking a can of beer.
> Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial,
> since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to
> 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them
> to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable,
> and it beats running hands down.
> Well, I've been experimenting for several years, and I'm sad
> to report that my experimental results do not agree with the
> theory above at all. What went wrong?
} [The Internet Oracle walks up to the gates of Heaven...]
} <knock, knock>
} [Saint Pete sez] "Myeeeezzzzzz?"
} "I've got question for the big guy, Pete. Run along and fetch
} him, won't you?"
} "Right away, sir."
} "YES, MR. ORACLE, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TODAY?"
} "I'm a bit irked about the current version of Humanitas,
} actually; it's still not fully case sensitive, you know."
} "YES, THE PATCH IS A BIT SKETCHY. I'M STILL NOT QUITE SURE WHY
} YOU THOUGHT THEY NEEDED TWO CASES, ANYWAY; I DO FINE WITH JUST ONE."
} "Well, they *are* made in your image, but they aren't quite up to
} the original standard. F'rinstance, I've got one supplicant right now
} who can't tell the difference between a calorie and a Calorie.
} "OH, IS THAT SO? THAT'S OK, THERE'S A RUNTIME KLUDGE FOR THAT:
} CALL THE LATTER A 'FOOD CALORIE'."
} "Well, yeah, but that's hardly a general solution to the problem.
} I expect you to get to work on that right away, bud, or maybe I'll have
} to think about transfering control of the Humanitas project to Zeus.
} *He*, at least, got stuff done."
} "I'LL DO MY BEST, MR. ORACLE."
} [The Internet Oracle tramps back upstairs to His computer]
} Okay, so anyway: the food Calorie is 1000 heat calories, so if
} you eat a 1,200 Calorie dessert, you need to use up 1.2 million heat
} calories to cancel it out. At 83 cal/gm to melt, and 37 cal/gm to
} heat, your typical frozen dessert uses up only 20,160 cal on its way to
} body temperature. That leaves you with a good 1,179,840 cal to burn
} Of course, you could repeat the same argument at a lower
} temperature; let's see how cold your ice cream would have to be to
} cancel out its fat and sugar content, Caloriewise:
} You need to get rid of 1.2 million heat calories by warming your
} 168-gm mostly-water dessert. Melting it takes care of 13,944 cal,
} leaving you with 1,186,056 cal to burn. Dividing that by the 168 gm
} present, assuming 1 cal/(gm*degree), we get a required change in
} temperature of approximately 7060 degrees Celsius, for an initial
} temperature of -6750 K if you want to raise it to body temperature. So
} take heart! All you have to do to lose weight by eating ice cream is
} chill it to several thousand degrees below absolute zero. Get to work!
} You owe the Oracle an argument using quantum field theory to
} nullify the laws of thermodynamics, a heat sink at -6751 K, a perfect
} heat engine, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.