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Internet Oracularities #953

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953, 953-01, 953-02, 953-03, 953-04, 953-05, 953-06, 953-07, 953-08, 953-09, 953-10


Internet Oracularities #953    (89 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 25 Oct 1997 11:22:41 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   953
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

953   89 votes 2jxs7 3hCo7 6hGn1 55lEi aqmeh 4epth 8irlf 6bkxj 5mCk4 6jDfa
953   3.2 mean  3.2   3.2   3.0   3.7   3.0   3.5   3.2   3.5   3.0   3.0


953-01    (2jxs7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose knowledge and greatness spans the infinite number of
> space-time continuum infinities, please answer the query of this lowly
> one ...
>
> Amongst the rules for a recent contest, I heard this clause ... "If you
> are at least 21 years of age, or older ..." Is this just a redundancy,
> or is there some deeper hidden meaning I cannot ascertain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O detail-conscious supplicant,
}
} It is not a redundancy, but a "year 2000" issue.  Think how lousy you
} would feel holding a winning ticket on your 22nd birthday in the year
} 2004, for instance, and being ruled ineligible because, due to computer
} error, you were only -82 years old.  The "or older" clause allows for
} those who are of negative age but are older than someone who is 21.
} (21-year old people will exist only in theory until January 1, 2021,
} but why split hairs?)  Good thing someone's planning ahead.
}
} You owe the Oracle a year 10,000 patch.  Gotta start early in case
} programmers become extinct.


953-02    (3hCo7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, darling, my true love!
>
> This Christmas, I was thinking of sending you, over a twelve-day
> period, the following:
>
> 12 Drummers Drumming,
> 22 Pipers Piping,
> 30 Lords-a-Leaping,
> 36 Ladies Dancing
> 40 Maids-a-Milking,
> 42 Swans-a-Swimming,
> 42 Geese-a-Laying,
> 40 Gold Rings,
> 36 Calling Birds,
> 30 French Hens,
> 22 Turtle Doves,
>    -and-
> 12 Partridges in 12 Pear Trees.
>
> Do you have room for all of this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh future partner and light of my life etc.
}
} I have previously been sent such assemblages of gifts, and had no
} trouble stowing them in my Oracular palace. Unfortunately we had the
} Norse Pantheon over for Christmas dinner (a rather cheerful secular
} holiday, considering the populations preference for worship here) and
} they killed and roasted the animals right there in the lounge room,
} pulling apart a few of the tables for firewood. The Pipers, Lords and
} Drummers were used for throwing practice, the maidens and ladies
} provided tabletop, floor and anywhere-the-damned-Vikings-could-lie-down
} entertainment and the gold rings were used as egg-cups for the
} hard-boiled goose eggs.
}
} Those Vikings really know how to have a good time, but they left
} feathers and entrails on the carpet.
}
} Something in rubber might be nice as an alternative.


953-03    (6hGn1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Astute one,
>
> Is Carbon Dating anything like Military Dating?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are quite different, but with similar results.
}
} Carbon date:  Your date pours concentrated sulphuric acid on you, and
} all that is left is a smelly chunk of carbon.  This technique is not
} recommended for any but the most desperate.
}
} Military date:  You begin manoevres at precisely 2045, and engage the
} enemy (your date) at 2105.  Unexpected troops arrive at 2145, just as
} action was starting to get interesting.  You try to sneak away, but
} instead are buried at half-staff with full honours.  Explanation is
} unnecessary and impossible.
}
} You owe the Oracle reports on your next two dates.


953-04    (55lEi dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose hangovers rival the famed Garden of Babylon,
> please tell me...
>
> Why don't corn flakes taste good with bourbon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's because you're mixing incompatible grains.  If you really want
} cereal to go with your bourbon, I suggest you stick to Rye Chex.  Corn
} flakes don't really go with anything much, other than some really
} horrible whiskey which you probably wouldn't want to waste your money
} on.
}
} In case you were wondering, here's what the experts recommend you put
} on various other types of cereal:
}
}         Rice Krispies                   Sake
}
}         Froot Loops                     Various liqueurs or schnapps
}
}         Raisin Bran                     Wine (Bordeaux recommended)
}
}         Sugar Snaps (or any other       Rum
}         sugar-frosted cereal)
}
}         Cocoa Krispies                  Creme de cacao
}
}         Barley Puffs                    Scotch (single-malt for
}                                         name-brand cereal; blended is
}                                         fine for the generic
}                                         supermarket brand)
}
} Note that beer should never be poured on cereal.  Beer is meant to be
} served with cold leftover pizza.  Tequila should be saved and used on
} that really old cereal at the back of the cabinet that's got weevils
} living in it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cookbook for bachelors.


953-05    (aqmeh dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most academically-ept, who never procrastinates and always
> gets 100%,
> ***
>       You are in a home office.  The exit is to the east.  In the
> northwest corner there is a Pentium running Win95, with 17" monitor and
> color Deskjet, currently off.  In the southwest corner, you see a
> 486dx-33, currently displaying PROCOMM PLUS for Windows (3.11) on its
> 14" monitor; the lights on the modem indicate that a connection is
> active, although you can't tell what it is from here.  The B&W inkjet
> connected to the 486 is on, and a small pile of papers rests atop it.
>       You have a headache from caffeine withdrawal.
> >I
> In your hand:
>       a pile of papers
>       a 20-oz bottle of Jolt
> In your pockets:
>       7 cents (pennies)
>       wad of tissue, partly used
>       Uniball Vision pen
>       2 cheap Bic clicky-pencils
> >READ PAPERS
>       The papers are lab handouts and spectrophotometer data for five
> Chemical Structure labs, due this Tuesday, next Tuesday, and the
> previous three Tuesdays.  You remember that one point is being deducted
> for each day, from each lab grade, and shudder.
> >DRINK JOLT
>       Your headache vanishes as you open the bottle, and you feel a
> caffeine rush immediately after drinking.  Note well the conditioned
> response of the caffeine-dependent body.  It will be on some test, some
> time, you can be sure.
>       You feel hungry.
> >DISCARD TISSUES
>       You throw the wad of tissue in the office trash can.
> >EAST
>       You are in the living room.  Exits are to the east (front
> hallway) and to the west (office).
> >EAST
>       You are in the front hallway.  Exits are to the south (front
> door) and to the east (dining room).
> >EAST
>       You are in the dining room.  Exits are to the north (kitchen) and
> to the east (front hallway).
> >NORTH
>       You are in the kitchen.  The exit is to the south (dining room).
> Stairs lead down to the basement.
> >LOOK
>       You are in the kitchen.  To the south, a swinging door leads to
> the dining room.  Stairs lead down to the basement.
>       There are three cabinets and three drawers.
> Appliances here:
>       Telephone
>       Stove
>       Oven
>       Dishwasher
>       Sink
>       Microwave
>       Toaster
>       Coffee Maker
>       Refridgerator
> On the kitchen counter:
>       Full bag of uncooked whole-wheat Rotelli
>       A box of tomato soup mix, two packets remaining
> >COOK NOODLES WITH SOUP
>       (10 minutes later)
>       You have prepared a delicious meal of tomato & noodle soup.
> >EAT SOUP
>       Mmmm.  You no longer feel hungry.
> >RETURN OFFICE
>       You are in a home office.  The exit is to the east.
> >LOOK COMPUTER
>       Which computer?
> >486
>       The 486 is running PROCOMM PLUS for Windows.  The modem is
> connected at 24000bps, REL/LAPM to UMB dialup.  On the screen is the
> email program "Pine", displaying a message to The Internet Oracle
> written in a generic text-adventure format.  You feel an urge to
> complete the message, but a voice in your head (perhaps your ex) nags
> at you to do your lab reports before playing.
> >
> ***
> What now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >TYPE R
}       The machine flutters and yawks for a while, then it shows the
}     following message:
}     [supplicants question included]
}     ***
}     What now?
}     > TYPE R
}           The machine flutters and yawks for a while, then it shows the
}       following message:
}       [supplicants question included]
}       ***
}       What now?
}       > TYPE R
}               The machine flutters and yawks for a while, then it shows
}           the following message:
}           [supplicants question included]
}           ***
}           What now?
}           > TYPE R
}                   The machine flutters and yawks for a while, then it
}               shows the following message:
}               [supplicants question included]
}               ***
}               What now?
}               > TYPE R
}                       The machine flutters and yawks for a while, then
}                   it shows the following message:
}                   [supplicants question included]
}                   ***
}                   What now?
}                   > TYPE R
}                           The machine flutters and yawks for a while,
}                       then it shows the following message:
}                       [supplicants question included]
}                       ***
}                       What now?
}                       > TYPE R
}                               The machine flutters and yawks for a
}                           while, then it shows the following message:
}                           [supplicants question included]
}                           ***
}                           What now?
}                           > TYPE R
}                                   The machine flutters and yawks for
}                               a while, then it shows the following
}                               message:
}                               [supplicants question included]
}                               ***
}                               What now?
}                               > TYPE R
}                               .
}                                   .
}                                       .
}                                          .
}                                             .
}                                               .
}                                                 .
}                                                  .
}                                                  .
}                       [ By now you've eaten so much soup, that you ]
}                       [ will likely burst into a supernova or      ]
}                       [ collapse into a black hole. Let's take a   ]
}                       [ step beyond infinity and see the outcome   ]
}                       [ of this adventure...                       ]
}                                                  .
}                                                  .
}                                                 .
}                                               .
}                                             .
}                                          .
}                                       .
}                                   .
}                               .
}                               Just as you finish your very witty
}                               reply, the screen suddenly goes blank.
}                               A single message pops up:
}                               Stack overflow
}                               >PRESS RESET
}                           Just as you finish your very witty
}                           reply, the screen suddenly goes blank.
}                           A single message pops up:
}                           Stack overflow
}                           >PRESS RESET
}                       Just as you finish your very witty
}                       reply, the screen suddenly goes blank.
}                       A single message pops up:
}                       Stack overflow
}                       >PRESS RESET
}                   Just as you finish your very witty
}                   reply, the screen suddenly goes blank.
}                   A single message pops up:
}                   Stack overflow
}                   >PRESS RESET
}               Just as you finish your very witty
}               reply, the screen suddenly goes blank.
}               A single message pops up:
}               Stack overflow
}               >PRESS RESET
}           Just as you finish your very witty
}           reply, the screen suddenly goes blank.
}           A single message pops up:
}           Stack overflow
}           >PRESS RESET
}       Just as you finish your very witty
}       reply, the screen suddenly goes blank.
}       A single message pops up:
}       Stack overflow
}       >PRESS RESET
}     Just as you finish your very witty
}     reply, the screen suddenly goes blank.
}     A single message pops up:
}     Stack overflow
}     >PRESS RESET
} Just as you finish your very witty
} reply, the screen suddenly goes blank.
} A single message pops up:
} Stack overflow
} >PRESS RESET
} The screen now shows:
}     Keyboard not found -- Press F1
} You hear an old laughing-machine from Cheers in the distance.
} >LOOK COMPUTER
} Which computer?
} >PENTIUM
} The Pentium is turned off.
} >TURN ON PENTIUM
} With a pleasing hum, the machine starts to boot. After the usual
} unreadable gibberish, A lightly clouded sky shows up with the Win95
} logo. A message pops up:
}       McAfee's AntiVirus warning: Win95 virus found: removing...
} >CLICK CANCEL
} There is no "CANCEL" key
} >PRESS ESC
} Nothing happens. You suddenly notice the date on your computer. It
} says: Jan 1, 1981
} You realise that the strange course of events took you back through
} time. You may still be on time to finish your reports!
} >LOOK CLOCK
} The clock on the desk says: jan 1, 2081  7:31 am
} Bummer. With a grin you picture that old hag of an ex of yours, that is
} now 120.
} >EAST
} You don't fit through the door.
} >BARF
} You squeeze up a gallon of tomato-soup with noodles
} >EAST
} You still don't fit through the door.
} All of a sudden, the dungeon collapses.
}
} --
} You owe the Oracle the recipe for that soup


953-06    (4epth dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@U.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most momentous majestical maharajah, what really happens when an
> irresistible force meets an immovable object?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa and I tire each other out.
}
} You owe the Oracle some PRIVACY.


953-07    (8irlf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, le plus de formidble!  Ce supplicateur plus mauvais se
> demande-vous ce question.  Repondez s'il vous plait!
>
> Comment allez-vous?  Et avec Lisa?  Comment va Zadoc?  Qu'est-ce que
> vous fait ce soir?  Voulez-vous venir a chez moi?  Nous peuvons jouer
> de poker, avons un peu du bieres.  Est-ce que il sonne bien?  A 8
> heures?  Bon!  A bientot.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh great, another one in French ... Where is that dictionary? ... I
} don't know why they can't just take Jerry Lewis and keep to themselves
} ... Zadoc! Where's my French-English dictionary? Zadoc! ... Who do I
} look, like, L'Oracle d'Internette or something? ... Zadoc! ... Oh,
} forget it.
}
} Let's see ... I'm formidable ... good ... The supplicant is wearing a
} plus-size mauve outfit and demands a question ... hmm ... something
} about repossessing a silver plate ...
}
} Do I comment all my code? ... Do I have Lisa? ... Pretty cheeky little
} supplicant here ... Are my comments written by Zadoc? Incredible! ... A
} queue is a queue, it's fate, sir ... hmm ... Cheese with veneer ...
} Nose peons form a poker jury ... Avon lady brings bad-smelling beer ...
} My good son waits in the queue ... with eight prostitues ... a good
} lad.
}
} Well, supplicant, it seems as though your son has fallen in with a bad
} crowd.  Perhaps the lacquered cheese and the Avon lady's beer have
} gotten to his senses.  That would explain the nose peons, and possibly
} the gambling indictment.  Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I don't
} understand why, when your son needs you, you're concerned about my
} programming style and my intimate affairs.  But then, you didn't ask
} for an answer, you demanded a question.  So here you go:
}
} Where did you get that mauve number?  It makes you look like a loose
} woman yourself.
}
} You owe the Oracle that silver platter.


953-08    (6bkxj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I'm having some difficulty with an
> extremely important scientific project.  Can you help me
> solve it, please?  Let me explain...
>
> As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1
> degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this
> means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally
> consisting of water in large part), the natural processes
> which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during
> the digestive cycle literally suck the calories out of the
> only available source, your body fat.
>
> For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C
> (32.2 degrees F) will, in a short time, be raised to the
> normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 degrees F).
> For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes
> approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average
> dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by
> operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1
> cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body
> fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.
>
> Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the
> net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.
>
> Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you
> are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your
> goal.
>
> This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer
> in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent
> calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz.
> portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the
> net calorie lss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It
> doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240
> calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the
> body in the process of drinking a can of beer.
>
> Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial,
> since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to
> 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them
> to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable,
> and it beats running hands down.
>
> Well, I've been experimenting for several years, and I'm sad
> to report that my experimental results do not agree with the
> theory above at all.  What went wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       [The Internet Oracle walks up to the gates of Heaven...]
}       <knock, knock>
}       [Saint Pete sez] "Myeeeezzzzzz?"
}       "I've got question for the big guy, Pete.  Run along and fetch
} him, won't you?"
}       "Right away, sir."
}       ...
}       "YES, MR. ORACLE, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TODAY?"
}       "I'm a bit irked about the current version of Humanitas,
} actually;  it's still not fully case sensitive, you know."
}       "YES, THE PATCH IS A BIT SKETCHY.  I'M STILL NOT QUITE SURE WHY
} YOU THOUGHT THEY NEEDED TWO CASES, ANYWAY;  I DO FINE WITH JUST ONE."
}       "Well, they *are* made in your image, but they aren't quite up to
} the original standard.  F'rinstance, I've got one supplicant right now
} who can't tell the difference between a calorie and a Calorie.
}       "OH, IS THAT SO?  THAT'S OK, THERE'S A RUNTIME KLUDGE FOR THAT:
} CALL THE LATTER A 'FOOD CALORIE'."
}       "Well, yeah, but that's hardly a general solution to the problem.
} I expect you to get to work on that right away, bud, or maybe I'll have
} to think about transfering control of the Humanitas project to Zeus.
} *He*, at least, got stuff done."
}       "I'LL DO MY BEST, MR. ORACLE."
}       [The Internet Oracle tramps back upstairs to His computer]
}
}       Okay, so anyway: the food Calorie is 1000 heat calories, so if
} you eat a 1,200 Calorie dessert, you need to use up 1.2 million heat
} calories to cancel it out.  At 83 cal/gm to melt, and 37 cal/gm to
} heat, your typical frozen dessert uses up only 20,160 cal on its way to
} body temperature.  That leaves you with a good 1,179,840 cal to burn
} off.
}       Of course, you could repeat the same argument at a lower
} temperature;  let's see how cold your ice cream would have to be to
} cancel out its fat and sugar content, Caloriewise:
}       You need to get rid of 1.2 million heat calories by warming your
} 168-gm mostly-water dessert.  Melting it takes care of 13,944 cal,
} leaving you with 1,186,056 cal to burn.  Dividing that by the 168 gm
} present, assuming 1 cal/(gm*degree), we get a required change in
} temperature of approximately 7060 degrees Celsius, for an initial
} temperature of -6750 K if you want to raise it to body temperature.  So
} take heart!  All you have to do to lose weight by eating ice cream is
} chill it to several thousand degrees below absolute zero.  Get to work!
}
}       You owe the Oracle an argument using quantum field theory to
} nullify the laws of thermodynamics, a heat sink at -6751 K, a perfect
} heat engine, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.


953-09    (5mCk4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why she don't love me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your poor grammar perhaps it is?
}
} You owe the Oracle an exam on the current state of the English language
} in urban environments and how it has been modified over time.  Ready?
} You may begin.


953-10    (6jDfa dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  When I erase a word with a eraser, where does it go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in
} the wind.  (It's also getting into your computer and clogging things
} up real good.)
}
} You owe the Oracle an air filter.


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