[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 16:27:57 GMT

Internet Oracularities #954

Goto:
954, 954-01, 954-02, 954-03, 954-04, 954-05, 954-06, 954-07, 954-08, 954-09, 954-10


Internet Oracularities #954    (100 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 12:16:03 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   954
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

954  100 votes fBse6 armub buvl7 8lEjc 8hvrh 5aluy 9myt6 9kBoa 7fnwn 7biqC
954   3.2 mean  2.6   3.0   2.8   3.1   3.3   3.8   3.0   3.1   3.5   3.8


954-01    (fBse6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most industrially illustrious one, why do they call it "on hand"
> inventory when it's usually on a shelf?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This term dates back to the famous case, "Thor Power Tool Co. vs.
} The United States of America" in which the Supreme Court (voting
} 7 - 2) decided that Thor could not depreciate their inventory.
} The publishing industry was particularly hard hit by this decision,
} since they often depreciated their inventory of published books by
} 1,500% in the first year. This explains why newly-published books
} are now often remaindered up to 3 months before they are published.
} As a result, accountants in the publishing industry usually beging
} their discussions of tax-liability considerations by saying, "On the
} one hand..."
}
} Meanwhile, the Japanese developed the concept of just-in-time delivery,
} which reduced the "on-hand inventory" to zero. Of course, since Japan
} is the size of a parking lot in Bill, Wyoming, their companies had
} little trouble in delivering necessary raw materials and/or finished
} products to their domestic customers. When American companies tried
} to adopt the Japanese model to their own operations, they found some
} difficulty in delivering, say, one million tons of raw beets from
} the Central Valley in California to a hamburger processing plant in
} Atlanta, Georgia (no, no, no, the package doesn't say "raw beef",
} it says "raw beet"!). This led to a uniquely American system called
} "Just-Too-Late Delivery", in which the raw materials and/or finished
} products are delivered to the customer just as the sheriff shows up
} to serve bankrupcy papers to them.
}
} Of course, if you would rather have a theological explanation, the
} Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church has recently announced that
} all physical matter (i.e., inventory) is "in His hands".
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's inventory of "Handi-Wipes".


954-02    (armub dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most melodious, do you remember that old song about trying to
> remember the days of September?  Isn't there another verse about
> October? Something about getting sober, I think.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try to get over
} The fest of Oktober
} When the Oom-pa-pa band
} In Lederhosen
} Makes you drink pilsner
} Until you feel ill sir
} Don't swallow...swallow...swallow
}
} Beware the fat nurse
} She'll force-feed you bratwurst
} Until you vomit
} In a Valkyrie's armpit
} Don't shout "Heil Hitler"
} Or the Germans'll hit yer
} With a beer barrel
} And mock your apparel
}
} So try to stay sober at
} the fest of Oktober
} Don't swallow...swallow...swallow
}
} You owe the Oracle some Alka-Seltzer


954-03    (buvl7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most omnipotent and all-seeing Oracular master, whose electronic
> wisdom I am unworthy even to contemplate, please deign to answer my
> most pitiful and unspeakably boring question...
>
> How did Microsoft gain control of so much of the software industry? Are
> the rumors of Bill's Deal with the Dark One true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} Thank you for the flattering compliments - I do so love it when you
} guys & gals appreciate my superior intellect, coupled with my awesome
} parallel processing feats and storage capacity.
}
} Now, technically you are only allowed to ask *one* question, but since
} I'm in a good mood at the moment (and I have a lot of time on my
} hands), I have deigned to answer both.
}
} > How did Microsoft gain control of so much of the software industry?
}
} The true reason for Microsoft's hold on all our lives (methinks I
} exaggerate) is deeply shrouded in history, rumour and a lot of other
} confusing gubbins. A long time ago (1979?)  an anonymous but powerful
} company named IBM sought to create a computer that was clever, yet
} easy to use. They wanted a machine that you could run a business on,
} or scribble a memo to fetch the kids from school half an hour early,
} for example.
}
} Having designed the hardware, they sought software. They journeyed
} high and low, searching many a nook-and-a-cranny (the latter phrase
} to be read in an Olde Scottish Accent) for talented programmers. Their
} gaze briefly alighted on one Gary Kildall, the creator of CP/M
} ('Control Program for Microcomputers'). The very day that Gary was due
} to meet the IBM stuffed shirts, rumour has it that he took his private
} 'plane out for a bit of scenic meandering, and he missed this very
} important meeting.
}
} Ah! Piffle, I say! Codswallop, utter nonsense! It's obvious what
} happened. Bill Gates, being a true megalomaniac and a downright crafty
} character to boot (no pun intended), kidnapped Gary, brought him to
} his kindergarten (where he was currently studying), tied him to a
} chair, threw old peanut-butter sandwiches and Jello at him and refused
} to let him go until he promised to let Bill have the all of the
} goodies. So Gary (the true hero of the software industry) was
} 'persuaded' to focus his energies elsewhere. Presumably Bill came back
} to untie him later - these events are closed to me (I believe that's
} what mediums say, isn't it?).
}
} Bill's still up to his nasty tricks today. Sure, he's richer. Sure, he
} knows a lot more people. But we all know that deep down, he's just as
} crafty - and as foxy and weasely - as can be. So there. I say so.
} IDST.
}
} > Are the rumors of Bill's Deal with the Dark One true?
}
} Look very closely at Bill Gates the next time you see him (I dare
} you!). Do his eyebrows meet in the middle? No? Well, are his nostrils
} just ever-so-slightly of the fire-breathing variety, as is probably
} quite useful Down Below? (Sorry Rolf). No. That's not proof enough.
} Er.. his name is an anagram of 'Big Stella'? Now *that* must mean
} something! Dressed in drag, he 'works' in a massage parlour in the wee
} small hours? Oh dear. I've almost exhausted my Oracular resources,
} here.
}
} Ah! I know! The ASCII value of all of the letters in his name add up
} to make... 663!! Surely that must mean something!
} ---
}
} You owe the Oracle (who is using an *Amiga* in this incarnation!) an
} original copy of CP/M 86 for the Octopus Computer System. Ah, how I
} miss those bygone days.


954-04    (8lEjc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most illuminating, please tell me how many management
> consultants it takes to change a light bulb.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A negative number equal to the number you called in to start with - you
} aren't going to get any real change until you get rid of all those
} management consultants.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 5-day MBA.


954-05    (8hvrh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_000D_01BCE161.EE9D6120
> Content-Type: multipart/alternative;
>       boundary="----=_NextPart_001_000E_01BCE161.EE9D6120"
>
> ------=_NextPart_001_000E_01BCE161.EE9D6120
> Content-Type: text/plain;
>       charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> Why has Microsoft stopped giving old-fashioned version numbers (3.0 and
> 6.0) to its products like Windows and Office and has replaced them by =
> years?
>
> ------=_NextPart_001_000E_01BCE161.EE9D6120
> Content-Type: text/html;
>       charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD W3 HTML//EN">
> <HTML>
> <HEAD>
>
> <META content=3Dtext/html;charset=3Diso-8859-1 =
> http-equiv=3DContent-Type>
> <META content=3D'"MSHTML 4.71.2016.0"' name=3DGENERATOR>
> </HEAD>
> <BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff>
> <DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>Why has Microsoft stopped giving =
> old-fashioned=20
> version numbers (3.0 and 6.0) to its products like Windows and Office =
> and has=20
> replaced them by years?</FONT></DIV>
> <DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV></BODY></HTML>
>
> ------=_NextPart_001_000E_01BCE161.EE9D6120--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because numbers with decimal points were considered too difficult a
} concept for their client base.
}
} Apparently this assumption is warranted.
}
} You owe the Oracle a return to the days of vi, pine, and trn.


954-06    (5aluy dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, in looking through electronics catalogs, I find
> that you can buy zero ohm resistors.  What is the purpose of these
> devices?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.


954-07    (9myt6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@CS.McGill.CA>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who can whip that big IBM 'puter in chess with
> 3 moves, who is the best at every earthling sport in the universe,
> I have a question:
>
> What is the best grovel you ever got?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best grovel I ever got?  Let's see... No, I'm afraid I can't tell
} you about that one, because this is a family oracle.  Same for the next
} three. The fifth best grovel I ever got is perfectly presentable, but
} is far too long to reprint here.  The sixth best...  no, that one was
} in an obscure dialect spoken only in Outer Mongolia and this keyboard
} doesn't have the characters.  The seventh -- no...the eighth,
} no...no...no... the seventthird best grovel was -- rats, I can't tell
} you about that one either. Then there was the -- oh, that's the one you
} just sent, you don't need me to tell you that one.
} Hmm...nope...nyet...nein...no...aha!  Ok, I can tell you the nine
} hundred thirty-five thousand, two hundred forty-sixth best grovel I
} ever got.  It went, "Hey, Orrie, who is sort of ok."
}
} You owe the Oracle some Outer Mongolian BBQ.


954-08    (9kBoa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who's infinite powers allow him to wake up at even the
> earliest hours of the morning after only hitting 'snooze' once,
> I have a grave problem.  I live in a college dorm room with windows
> that face the gymnasium.  This became an issue for me, because the
> noise from "early-bird 7 am aroebics" was waking me up every morning.
> Try as I might, even with the windows closed and a pillow pulled
> over my head, the blaring 80s music and the "One and two and one and
> two..." over the areobics loud-speakers was waking me up every day.
> Since nothing was helping, I decided to obey the old adage "If you
> can't beat 'em, join 'em" and I joined early-bird 7 am areobics.
>
> It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I soon realized that if I
> was going to do areobics properly at 7 am, I couldn't stay out until 4
> in the morning  before hand.  I started going to bed earlier and as a
> result stopped binge drinking every night with my buds.  Also, after
> finishing the daily work-out I found myself with tons of extra time
> on my hands, since I hadn't been awake for "morning" in a few years.
> With nothing better to do I started filling time with activities
> such as "eating breakfast" and "going to class" and "studying."
> While I was at it, I got a hair cut, started showering regularly,
> and became a vegetarian.
>
> I used to be a beer-guzzling, junk-food eating, lazy, slobby guy who
> spent all his waking hours partying with his pals and talking about
> beer, women, and beer.  Now I have changed into a physically-fit,
> hard-working, health-food-eating, clean-cut man who hangs out with
> thirty well-toned women discussing things such as politics, the green
> house effect, and sports bras.
>
> PLEASE HELP ME!!!  I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GO ON LIKE THIS MUCH LONGER!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All right, I'm here to help.  Here's what you do.  Make a rude pass
} at every one of those women.  Make it so disgusting that there's no
} chance they'll ever look at you with respect again.  Mention Marv
} Albert and the two of you.  Next, get back on a proper diet!
} Beer, boy, and lots of it!  Beans!  Tacos!  Greasy hamburgers!
} Keep going until you can't get through a minute of aerobics without
} making embarrassing bodily noises.  Talk about nothing but football
} and sports.  Take up chewing tobacco.  And stop showering.  If you
} haven't been barred from the aerobics class by a court order, start
} over and repeat it all as necessary.  Waste no time!  Start now!
}
} You owe the Oracle a reminder to have Lisa's "Early Bird Aerobics"
} class moved to another continent.


954-09    (7fnwn dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, but silent one on this gray day in Chicago, groveling from
> the 28th floor of the Sears Tower, why does The Internet Oracle have no
> questions to ask?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I never cease to be amazed at the number of people that can't
} grasp the extremely simple principles underlying this service.
} It's this way, kid: supplicants ask questions, the Oracle
} answers them. I don't have any questions to ask because I know
} everything. Got that?
}
} > That was a question.
}
} What?
}
} > You asked a question. "Got that?" is a question. So is "What?"
}
} Oh, a smartass, eh?
}
} > That's a question, too.
}
} Right, Mister Know-it-all Clever Dick from the 28th floor of the
} Sears Tower on this gray day in Chicago. From now on I'm going
} to answer all your questions with questions. See how you like
} that!
}
} > That's the way it is, eh?
}
} That's the way what is?
}
} > Okay, oh great but sometimes puerile one, tell me this. Why
} > does The Internet Oracle have no questions to ask?
}
} How do you know The Internet Oracle has no questions to ask?
}
} > The question queue is empty.
}
} Which question queue would that be?
}
} > The Oracular question queue!
}
} Are you sure you looked carefully enough?
}
} > What do you mean? How carefully do I have to look?
}
} You know how things sometimes appear to be lost but they aren't
} really?
}
} > You mean the questions get temporarily misplaced?
}
} Haven't you ever heard of things slipping down the back of the sofa?
}
} > Statement!
}
} Was not!
}
} > Hah! Gotcha!
}
} Damn!
}
} > He fell for it! The oldest trick in the book!
}
} It was just a temporary lapse! Gimme a rematch, you little slimeball!
}
} > I don't know why anybody comes to ask you anything anyway.
} > Some all-knowing sage! My kid brother could do better!
}
} I'm warning you...
}
} > Just wait till I tell all the guys on alt.slack what a loser
} > you are, oh Internet Oracle I don't think! Why, you couldn't
} > prophesy your way out of a paper bag! I've met garden pond
} > ornaments with more soothsaying skills than...
}
}             ******* zzzzzzzzZOT *******
}
} Omniscience means always having the last word.


954-10    (7biqC dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most jolly, have you ever considered a job as a mall Santa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To: Lisa, Oracular companion
} From: The Internet Oracle
} Re: Holiday Job
}
} Honey, it might be cool if I took on a job as a mall Santa this year. I
} know whether everyone has been naughty or nice, of course. And how
} about the names of all of the reindeer? I think I can use the Staff of
} Zot to alter my appearance as needed. Check this out and get back to
} me.
}
}    -O
}
} To: Zadoc, Oracular lackey
} From: Lisa, hot babe
} Re: Mall Santa
}
} Sweetheart, the big cheese thinks it would be cool to be a mall Santa
} this year. I know, but let's humor him. Find out what it pays and
} whether the Zot staff is enough to fix his looks. (No wisecracks!) Oh,
} and we need the names of the reindeer. Write soon.
}
}    Love, Lisa.
}
} To: Ms. Emily Saurbraten, Temple Chief of Staff
} From: Zadoc, Executive Assistant to His Omniscience
} Re: Santa job
}
} Three questions honey: What's it pay to be a mall Santa? Can the Zot
} staff do plastic surgery? What are the names of Santa's reindeer? I
} need answers by noon.
}
}   -The Big Z
}
} To: Penny, Benny, and Lenny, Research elves
} From: Emily Saurbraten
} Re: Quick questions
}
} Penny: Need a cost estimate for mall Santa.
}
} Benny: Check capabilities of Zot staff re. plastic surgery.
}
} Lenny: Names of Satan's reindeer.
}
}    E.S.
}
} To: Ronald "Fingers" Scarpelli
} From: Penny "Sweet Lips"
} Re: Santa
}
} Honey bunny, I gotta get a cost estimate for a maul Santa. And I get
} off work today at five thirty. Want to meet at the usual place?
}
}    X X X O O O X X X
}
} To: Dr. Albert Sintermann, chief of cosmetic and reconstructive surgery
} From: Bernard McDinny
} Re: Zot staff
}
} I've got a question for you. Would you be able to fix up a zot victim,
} you know, afterwards, and could you make him look kinda normal again?
}
}    -B McD
}
} To: Cerberus, Dog from Hell
} From: Leonard Farnham
} Re: Reindeer?
}
} Hey, do you guys have any reindeer down there? And what are their
} names?
}
}    Lenny
}
}    ........ much later .........
}
} To: Orrie the hottie
} From: Lisa the nubile
} Re: Santa job
}
} Got those answers you needed. Turns out that you can get a good Santa
} job for about $5000, broken bones are your choice (what's that about?),
} just show up at The Top Cat after work and wear your red outfit. You
} can get somewhat fixed up with any zot setting, even "UltraMegaZot",
} although the results really depend upon the strength of the zot. And
} I've got a list of names here: Gouger, Tyson, Kicker, Gorer, Stinky,
} Demon, Fangs, Nessus, and Rudolph. What's that all about?
}
}     Forever yours, Lisa
} - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to be extra good this year.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org