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Internet Oracularities #955

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955, 955-01, 955-02, 955-03, 955-04, 955-05, 955-06, 955-07, 955-08, 955-09, 955-10


Internet Oracularities #955    (96 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 1 Nov 1997 15:52:33 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   955
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

955   96 votes 7fnvk cnId4 7vvn4 bhupd 28pDm 7iIk7 buDc4 9wBd5 8jww5 6oouc
955   3.1 mean  3.4   2.7   2.9   3.1   3.7   3.0   2.7   2.7   3.1   3.2


955-01    (7fnvk dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Trick or treat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gah!  *** ZOT!!! ***
}
} Oh ... sorry, kid.  That was a nice woodchuck costume, though.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mop.


955-02    (cnId4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great one of the greats, he who knows all and says it too, what the
> hell bit me on the back of my leg?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      AP WIRE - 10/16/97 6:52 AM EST:
}      Doctors at the Johnny Walker Center for Workplace
}      Ailments have recently released research findings
}      that a new dilemma is currently facing workers
}      throughout the country.  Numerous calls and
}      inquiries by employees and employers have lead
}      JWCWA doctors to believe that a new species of
}      arthropod is responsible for bites and lesions
}      found on workers housed in workspace cubicles.
}      The new species, Dilbertimus cubicus, inflicts
}      itself upon cubicle bound workers.  Workers more
}      commonly call the new critter's infliction the
}      "cubicle crabs".  No further information is
}      available at this time.  Doctors warn that
}      unusually long durations of time spent in
}      cubicles will undoubtedly increase the number
}      of occurrences.  One doctor was quoted,
}      "...we can only hope that workers will move
}      about more or at the very least, keep their
}      cubicle areas clean.."
}
}      you owe the Oracle a Dogbert Halloween costume


955-03    (7vvn4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle,
> Who art in heaven
> Hallowed by thy name
> thy Lisa come,
> thy will be done
> here on earth as in heaven
> etc. etc.
>
> Are you aware of the fact that pi is not:
> 3.14159265358979323
> but infact is exactly equal to 3

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Short-circuited Supplicant, I've asked Benny to reply
} to your query.
}
} Benny says:
}                 *************
} Look, when us guys in the casting shop made up that
} big bronze hot tub, we did the usual thing and put
} a lip around the top rim, OK?  That's why the 3:1 ratio,
} and it's got nothin' to do with PI.  I mean, you just
} gotta stop reading things so literally.  I mean, you
} start building circles with a diameter of 1, but you
} got only enough material for a circumference of 3,
} you're makin' piston rings, you know what I'm saying?
} A Perfect Circle<tm>, but not a perfect circle.  Donuts
} with a bite out.  You got a gap, man.  Discontinuity.
} Incompletion.   A failure of closure.   You start
} building glassware, usin' your figures, you got spilt
} beer on the table.  We can't have that, right?
} We used ta have a guy made chariot wheels, got himself
} all confused, just like you.  Damn chariots were forever
} goin' "thump-thump","thump-thump", ya know?
}
} Yo, nice talkin' ta ya.
}
} Your friend, Benny
}                 *************
}
} Well, there it is, Supplicant, directly from the source.
}
} You owe the Oracle 95.555% of a Hula Hoop


955-04    (bhupd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Orrie, this is your cousin Borrie, the Internet Boracle.  I'll bet
> you didn't expect me so close to Halloween.  Did you know that I bought
> a see-through ghost costume?  I don't know what it looks like.  I hope
> I didn't waste my money.  Last night we had peas for dinner.  They were
> good.  Next week I'm going shopping for Xmas.  I bet I'll run out of
> money like I did last year.  My hand turns grey if I hold it up in the
> air too long.  Trenton is the Capital of New Jersey.  I would be so
> bored if I had to sit around all day and listen to myself.  Thank
> goodness I have you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, hello, Cousin Boracle.  Welcome to the family reunion.
}
} You're one of the first ones here.  As you can see, Snoracle is over
} there, sleeping the corner, and Sporacle is around here
} somewhere--watch where you step; you may get athlete's foot.  Hee hee!
} That Sporacle! Always a kidder.
}
} Anyway, we can talk later--I'd hate to steal you away from the other
} guests.  Here, let me introduce you to our distant cousin Manacle.  He
} wants to shake your hand.  (*click*)  Oh!  Looks like we're getting low
} on punch. . .I'd better go get that filled?  Say, could you be a dear
} and greet any new guests?  You can keep entertaining Manacle for a
} while, too.  Thanks.  You're a real pal.  Anyway, I'm expecting Waracle
} any minute now. . .if he's a little violent, well, try to calm him
} down, you know how he gets when he can't find his wife Whoracle. .
} .I'll be right back. . .
}
} Hee hee!
} ----------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a family reunion with an even happier ending.


955-05    (28pDm dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Mr. Oracle, Sir,
>
>  I'm doing a school project on the Elizabethan period and I was
>  wondering, could you tell me some points of interest that are 'must
>  have' facts for my report?
>
>  Yours,
>  Sherman

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Sherman, step into the Wayback machine...
}
} Oops, I forgot; Zadoc made off with it.  Okay, how about the 3D-BB?
} No, I loaned that to the POV-Ray folks.  Atavachron's broken; I can't
} find the TARDIS...  Oh well, I'll just have to tell you.
}
} Men wore hose and garters, and proudly displayed their genitalia by
} wearing "codpieces", which were often padded or stuffed (except for
} the Spanish, who for some reason preferred small codpieces).  Their
} breeches were often so large that they could put tablecloths,
} candlesticks, pistols, and other large objects in them.  Women
} wore corsets to give them the figures of twelve-year-old boys.
} "Nice" women didn't wear underwear, but prostitutes did.  Dennis
} Rodman, therefore, would not have been viewed as a freak.  Mary,
} Queen of Scots, was *not* Elizabeth's sister -- "Bloody Mary" was.
} Both were beheaded.  Women were not allowed to act; boys or young
} men played female parts on the stage.  And kissed the men.
} Elizabethans were fond of fart jokes; Beavis and Butthead would
} have been considered comic geniuses.  Syphilis was a sign of social
} status; some people even wore fake sores to make it look like they
} were infected.  People spelled words however they thought they
} sounded, and would even spell the same word three different ways
} in the same sentence; a single sentence could take up an entire
} printed page (if the Internet had existed then, there would have
} been no such thing as a "spelling flame" or "grammar flame").
} Elizabethans thought potatoes were horrible, because they tried
} to eat the greens rather than the roots.  They brushed their teeth
} with sugar and honey.  They had pencils, but since rubber hadn't
} been invented yet, erased their lines with bread.  To guard their
} noses against the foul odours of peasants, Elizabethan ladies made
} "pomanders" or "sweet bags" with substances as varied as weasel
} squeezings and whale snot.
}
} And the worst part of it is, I'm not making any of this up.
}
} Well, except that part about Rodman not being a freak.
}
} An thou wouldst pay thy tribute to the Oracle, then pull thou the
} Oracles Ffingre, (& thou shalt receeve a Surprize for thyne Efforts).


955-06    (7iIk7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who I have failed to visit in such a long time i may have
> forgotten your email address...
>
> Why does the world revolve around Microsoft?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because Microsoft provides superior technology at the best value, and
} has an excellent understanding of the needs of its customers.  Thank
} you for consulting The Microsoft Oracle 98.
}
} Boy, it has been a while, hasn't it?


955-07    (buDc4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tar zcfv oracle.tar.gz oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no. Feather is spelt f-e-a-t-h-e-r.  Wait a second.  "Tar and
} feather The Oracle."
} I didn't do anything to you, sure, the Medicine was snake oil.  You
} didn't have to buy it.  Put that rope down.  Come on, Zadoc, time to
} hit the road!


955-08    (9wBd5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderful oracle please tell me does intellegent life
> exist anywhere on earth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, both elegant and inelegant life exists on earth.  The form that
} dominates at any given time depends upon the party in power.  We could
} always use more spell checkers though.
}
} You owe the Oracle a trip through the dictionary.


955-09    (8jww5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most poetic, what is a sonnet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A sonnet is a poem that you say;
} The meter is iambic and it rhymes--
} I composed you a sonnet now today,
} Like all good sonnets, length of fourteen lines.
}
} I tell you these things for I know they're true;
} The Oracle knows all things, you should know...
} This poem is much more than you could do,
} Dear Supplicant it's time for you to go.
}
} For I've answered your question clear and plain,
} I hope that you will carry on this fad--
} For woodch*ck questions you were not insane;
} And this has made me quite exceeding glad.
}
} You owe the Oracle four engineers
} To model for the world orange brassieres.


955-10    (6oouc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wise and Omniscient Oracle, who has a personal acquaintance with
> Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, tell me please:  Ever since I was a
> very little boy I have always wanted to get a beautiful yellow dress
> for Christmas, will it ever come?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, and it's REALLY going to change your opinion of Uncle Carl.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mention on whatever daytime talk show you appear
} on.


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