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Internet Oracularities #956

Goto:
956, 956-01, 956-02, 956-03, 956-04, 956-05, 956-06, 956-07, 956-08, 956-09, 956-10


Internet Oracularities #956    (89 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 6 Nov 1997 08:13:14 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   956
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

956   89 votes 5mwo6 6eFk8 7biAh dixi7 jjkkb 5jFj5 dqwg2 cqtf7 6eIi7 fitha
956   3.0 mean  3.0   3.1   3.5   2.9   2.8   3.0   2.6   2.8   3.1   2.9


956-01    (5mwo6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wise Oracle, saver of all, keeper of wisdom, super
> great oracle, bla bla bla; I am trapped in this room and
> the fire is spreading. The notice which had the emergency
> phone number is burned, please, please, please, Oracle,
> what is the emergency number?????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, are you in luck!  You live in an area where the emergency response
} teams are hooked in to the cellular network.  Now you can reach them
} anywhere.  Just dial the emergency number.
}
} > I don't know the emergency number!  That's why I wrote you!
}
} Okay, just dial 411, that's information.
}
} *What City?*
}
} > Um... Denver.
}
} *What listing?*
}
} > Fire Department!  Hurry!
}
} *One Moment... I'm sorry I can't find Fire Department Hurry.*
}
} > What?
}
} *One moment while I connect you with a reprentative.*
}
} (sigh) "What city?
}
} > Denver!!
}
} All right, quit yelling,  What listing?
}
} > The fire department!  Please hurry!
}
} "...You're serious."
}
} >Yes!
}
} "You moron, what nimnoll told you to call 411 to get the number for
} 911?"
}
} > 911! Thank you!
}
} BOOP BEEP BEEP
}
} *I'm sorry, this cellular customer is out of the calling area.*
}
} > Argh!!!  What should I do now??
}
} I'm sorry, only one question per supplication.
}
} You owe the Oracle,  (sniff-sniff), mmm... toast.


956-02    (6eFk8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am bored!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clean your room. Do your homework. Learn how to braid your sister's
} hair into elaborate new styles. Learn to play the pennywhistle.
} Taunt the dog by reading it poetry, adding "Yes, you do!" in a
} happy, high-pitched voice at the end of every stanza.  Find out what
} Alka-Seltzer will do to the plumbing.  Carve a small gargoyle out of
} soap and glue it to the roof gutters for an experiment on erosion.
} Figure out who put the bop in the bop-shee-bop-shee- bop.  If you go
} out in the woods today, you're in for a big surprise.  Dress up like
} Andy Warhol and interview passers-by. Now ask the same questions,
} only dress like Rush Limbaugh. Compare and contrast the answers.
} Practice driving in reverse really fast. No, in a parking lot,
} you idiot!  Mow an elderly neighbor's lawn, and don't forget to do
} a nice job on the edging.  Think of the worst combination of foods
} you can, then try it -- you might be suprised.  I recommend the
} steamed rice with ketchup and seaweed/sesame sprinkle (obtainable in
} any health-food store). Put glow-in-the-dark stars in your folk's
} bedroom. Put on a Chieftains album and dance like Michael Flatley,
} including the facial expressions.  Try to guess the ingredients in
} Worchestershire sauce. Hah!  You didn't know about the anchovies,
} did you?  Swing your arms and skip down the block.
}
} You owe the Oracle a redecorated bedroom and a nicely mowed lawn.


956-03    (7biAh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> v4

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aaagh! You sank my battleship!
}
} ***ZOT!***
} (Okay, so I'm a sore loser).
}
} You owe the Oracle a rematch.


956-04    (dixi7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Avedon" <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and almighty Oracle, who's sweat I am unworthy to bathe in,
> who's toejam I am unworthy to spread on a sandwich, who's flatulance
> I am not worthy to breath, and who's underware I am not worthy to
> wear on my head.
>
> Please tell me - is there anything you need from the store while
> I'm out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why yes, in fact, there is.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Arrid Roll-on, some Dr. Scholl's, some Bean-o
} and a new pair of Jockey shorts.


956-05    (jjkkb dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just bought and installed a CD624A. Windows 95 failed to autodetect
> it. I know it's installed correctly because it works fine under DOS
> with the DOS drivers. What might be preventing the autodetect from
> working and what should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Install Linux first.


956-06    (5jFj5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Avedon" <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do cats like cooked shrimps, when it isn't a part of their
> "natural" hunting environment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know about this "natural" business!
}
} If you own a cat, you should know by now that cats *rarely* tell
} their owners what they are doing.  You put the cat out at night, and
} in the morning it comes back smelling of booze and cheap perfume.
} Well, as Oracle, I can assure you that the cat's "natural" hunting
} environment resembles Bourbon Street in New Orleans.  Why do you
} think they lie around sleeping in the sun all day long?  Because at
} night they're out struttin' their stuff with the boys, cattin' around,
} visiting the "cat house" and barbecueing shrimp over an oil can fire
} back behind the warehouse.  Your cat has you fooled with this "hunting
} mice with tooth and claw" scam.  You need to get a clue.  Better yet,
} buy one from Vanna.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice big bowl of Cajun barbecued shrimp, with
} the heads and shells on.  Meoowww!


956-07    (dqwg2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Avedon" <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who knows the difference between Naugahyde and leather,
> carob and chocolate, and the Spice Girls and the Bangles;
> Tell me, can you send WAV files in MIME, and will they still produce
> sound, or would they be stuck in an imaginary box?
>
> Thank you,
> Mr. Marceau

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The only purpose of a WAV is to create sound, and not even a mime
} could stop it.  But the WAV has to steal the mime's wallet, and beat
} the crap out of the mime, for the mime to make any noise.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mime's wallet, or at least the cash.


956-08    (cqtf7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle! Oracle! He's our man!
> If he can't do it ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Z0T! How dare you even consider the possibility, never mind suggest
} such a thing!
}
} You owe the Oracle an aphrodisiac.


956-09    (6eIi7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Avedon" <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most kind and forgiving, I want to thank you for that zotting
> you gave me a while ago.  Oh, sure, at the time I was pretty upset, but
> looking back on it, I can see that I really deserved it, and in fact
> all those months in rehab really helped me put things in perspective.
> I'm feeling much better now, and I promise never to do it again.
> Anyway, I hope there are no hard feelings.  Hey, maybe I could even
> send you a tellme again some time, eh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To: Mr. S.U.Plicant
} From: Harry Neasden, Customer Services Division, Zots'R'Us[*]
}
} We at Zots'R'Us are always pleased to get feedback from our users,
} and are especially pleased to hear from those who have positive and
} constructive comments. We are glad to hear that you consider your
} Zotting a valuable life experience.
}
} With your permission, we would like to make use of your letter as
} a testimonial in one of our advertising features. Although we are
} unable at present to give you any direct compensation for this, we
} would be able to offer substantial discounts on all Zot products and
} a variety of burn treatments.
}
} Again, many thanks for your letter. We hope you will be able to return
} for repeat zots in the future.
}
} Harry.
}
} [* - Zots'R'Us is a wholly owned subsidiary of Oracular Industries plc]


956-10    (fitha dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose geometrical knowledge is boundless, what is the
> geometrical significance of the Norman Conquest as an Algerbraic
> Operation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} y=1066


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